To think that I am clearly an unlikeable person as people don't warm to me and are less nice to me than they are to others?

[PinkAndWhiteWafers]

Title is self explanatory really.

I have friends and get invited to things but everyone seems to warm to me less than they do to others, and whilst people are all lovely and nicey nice to others, I never get that treatment from them and they are abrupt with me. I am a quietly spoken person, I'm not loud or gobby or abrupt, I'm kind and gentle with how I speak to others yet I get spoken to like dirt.

It has just happened to me tonight on Facebook. I did a status about having the heating on today as it's cold (yes, boring I know). Someone who is always very nice and lovely to others posted a really abrupt reply, just in a tone as though she finds me irritating. Actually that's the tone lots of people speak to me in; irritation.

I have tried treating people as they treat me and all it meant was that friends stopped talking to me. No one actually seems bothered about my feelings.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Well I went out today on a day out with a group of friends and 2 new women were invited along, whom I hadn't met before.

I was perfectly nice and friendly to them but they both were doing things like asking all the others questions and ignoring me and when we all went to go home they all hugged the rest of the group and ignored me! Nice! Felt like it illustrated it even better to me about how people just don't take to me!

Presumably they knew the other people better? Could mean that made it easier to talk to them rather than get to know you on top of days activities..

Could could be giving out unconscious - leave me along vibes ? though only someone in RL could confirm or deny that one for you - possibly self fulfilling thinking there - people don't warm to me so you are subconsciously reflecting that view point and they are picking up in body language.

On the bright side you were included on the day out bit - it's really not nice when your not.

People rarely hug me either, if that is any comfort, certainly not people I've only just met. Don't confuse being popular with having good friends. The two are very different. A good friendship takes a lot of cultivating, but first you have to sort through all those who obviously aren't good friend material for you. I made the mistake of trying to change myself in order to fit in better and it really isn't a good idea. I know that at work I'm regarded as a bit odd, but in my hobby group as perfectly ordinary - it is just a matter of environment. You'll get there, keep going out and persisting and eventually you' ll find some kindred spirits.

No, they hadn't met several of the others before too but showed interest in them, even asking them a specific question at one point about themselves and ignoring me!

This is so difficult to read, because of your hurt and confusion, but I can't see how we can do anything but guess at the reasons

Why do you think this happened yesterday?

I think you are focusing on the wrong things. Did you speak to them? Did you show interest in them and ask them questions? Did you feel warm towards them? Did you feel like you liked them?

Or did you sit quietly/ignore them/didn't like them?

Its weird to hug people you've just met IMO. Did they know the other women already?

I was thinking of people I know (or have known in the past) who don't quite fit in with the group in the way you describe.

The main reason is bad personal hygiene, people just avoided their company because the smell was so off-putting.

Another person is quite rude, makes sharp comments and generally looks as though she's chewing on a lemon. We think she's probably quite lonely and insecure so we try to include her but don't go out of our way to seek her company.

The third is a colleague who likes the sound of her own voice and is very bossy and a bit of a know-it-all. She often volunteers her services for joint projects but I couldn't face having to spend more time with her.

In all of the cases they are treated civilly, but nothing more than that.

I guess this doesn't help at all

I think that shortcut's right too. There's a danger that you can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You get hurt by shoddy behaviour so in future you are extra-sensitive to it and focus on it and secondly you but up defensive barriers to stop yourself being hurt.

I think you should picture yourself as you and the happy, friendly person you are inside. Go out there and be you. If they don't like it, it's their loss.

Op did the 2 women have something in common with the others but not you? Are their kids all in the same class? They all live in the same area?
I don't understand why 2 new people would talk to everyone but ignore one person in the group.
I agree with shortcut too - are they picking something up from you? Are you as warm and approachable as you think you're being?

I'm not sure what the issue is op but you say in your initial posts that the facebook woman seems to find you irritating. I have mixed in big groups of women over the years and yes, some people somehow don't fit in and irritate everyone.

Thinking about it, the women who seem to irritate are a bit socially unaware eg childish giggling at things other people don't find funny or me, me, me or changing the subject in a random way or just not on the same wavelength as everyone else.

I am not a warm person or a hugger and people take a while to get to know me. I am probably a bit aloof. But I am never on the outskirts of a group. I use humour a lot, even when I'm moaning, which people seem to like.

On a night out with one group I mix with, the only person I don't want to be stuck next to is one who does not contribute at all. I mean, she has no opinion on anything whatsoever. Chatting to her is like getting blood out of a stone. Having said that, everyone accepts her as she is. The one I want to be next to is loud and fun. There is always a quiet one in a group, a loud over-the-top one, a serious one. It's ok. We're all different.

You don't sound particularly like any of my examples so sorry if that's no help at all.

OP, I think what you describe is actually a thing. I totally get where you're coming from. People are like this with me too, but I think it's because you get what see with me - I act myself, I don't fall for this "hun" "love him/her" "mwah sweetie darling" "blah blah blah" superficial clap-trap. People know where they stand with me & if that makes me less likeable to others, then I don't actually give a tiny weeny shiny shit!

Why does it matter that these people didn't hug you? I seem to attract friends like flies on shit and in that situation it wouldn't even register if someone hugged others and not me. How I feel about myself is not related to how other people behave. I know who I am. Hug me, don't hug ms, who cares?

Get square with yourself. You're the only person it's sort really being friends with, given how much time you spend together!

worth

Are you comfortable in groups of people or afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing?

I really dislike the assertion that come up on threads like thesthese always; that those of us that aren't insecure and don't struggle with friendships are fake

None of my friends air kiss or hug in necessarily, no one Hun's each other or serves up empty platitudes. My friendships are authentic, longstanding and heartfelt thank you

I think what you refer to are acquaintances. In any case, you won't improve your own situations by criticising other peoples relationships

OP what was your body language like? Was it warm, open and inviting or did you unconsciously fold your arms, hunch shoulders, put physical barriers between you and the group? Little things, even things like which way your feet point, give others cues about how to relate to you.

Did you allow the right amount of personal space when chatting? (about a metre from people you don't know well)? Eye contact is important too- not enough and you appear shifty/disinterested/cold, too much and people feel uncomfortable/intimidated. One of my friends makes very intense eye contact and it puts a lot of people off.
I don't really like hugging new people but I'm receptive to it as it's important in many social situations. But I know some people hate it. If a group are hugging and one person does not look like they want to hug, I wouldn't initiate it. If they seem stiff, closed body language, anxious, or they don't step forward/make eye contact while the hugging is going on, I don't go to hug them!

I hope you find some more friends soon. Give it time. Be chatty, be yourself, listen attentively and practice small talk until you get good at it. Try to find common ground with people, remember their names and things about them, express interest in them (even if you don't find them interesting at first). Most people love attention even if they're shy. I used to be socially awkward but worked at it and now have lots of friends.

And as a pp said, good personal hygiene is important too (I'm sure yours is fine but it's the single most off-putting thing when meeting new people)... Make sure you smell nice (but not drenched in perfume), clean clothes, clean teeth etc. One of the women I once worked with used to eat raw garlic in her salad every lunchtime- she used to joke about it but really it wasn't funny and she wasn't popular.

In groups I'm often drawn to the person who doesn't fit in. Many of my friends are a bit odd or eccentric or socially awkward and I find them interesting because of it.

Please read noclueses post .i thinkshe has it spot on.dh is like this he is too cheerful,too long winded and abov e all comes over as unnatural and unrelaxed

I wish I had words of wisdom for you OP, but I just wanted to let you know I'm in a similar boat. I notice it most often at work when colleagues will become pally pally around me and go out socially but I always seem to miss out on an invite. It's happened on a couple of occasions, but those people have now moved on in terms of employment.

I sometimes wish I could ask people why they find me unapproachable in that sense without alienating people even more. I think I am possibly the opposite to you op in that sometimes I can be a bit full on, talk too much, a bit excitable etc.

Totally agree, Shortcut. In fact, that's not even 'acquaintance' behaviour, it's a personality type.

OP, I used to be in a similar situation. I had a lot of "friends" from work, hobbies, that sort of thing. I always made a huge effort with all of them, inviting them to things, always remembered their birthdays, bought them drinks on nights out, etc. Then I used to feel hurt and sad when I noticed a lot of them didn't give the same back to me.

It took me years to finally see the light and go, do you know what, these people aren't my "friends," they are colleagues and acquaintances . Why am I going to all this effort to please them when actually they couldn't give a toss about whether I'm there or not?

So after that bombshell hit me, I stopped all the effort, made my Facebook private (and refused any further friend requests), and focussed on my close friends instead. Oh my god, what a difference its made - I feel so much happier, and don't actually give a shit about whether people "like" me or not. I will still say hello and have the general chit-chat, but that's where I draw the line at. Its bloody marvellous.

OP I'm not sure what the answer is but I just wanted to say: hugs. It's not a nice feeling and I can totally relate to it. Try not to be too hard on yourself or to think it's a fault in you. Everyone's different and maybe you just need to meet some more like-minded friends who are nicer. A piece of advice springs to mind: "Before diagnosing yourself with depression or low self esteem, check first you're not, in fact, surrounded by bastards." :)

DIY - You describe my situation so perfectly, I think and feel exactly the same as this in social situations. Sadly being self-aware enough to know this doesn't help me change it!

I wonder OP (and may be completely wrong here), but do you or have you ever had self esteem issues?

I had counselling last year. I know I have real struggles that stem from my early childhood and one of the results of it are I will always see and look for the negative in how people treat me and I will assume the worst. It comes from the treatment of a particular family member but it has left me with very low self esteem and a low opinion of myself. As a result, I automatically think others think the same. They may not, but I will see any slight as confirmation that I am right. Plus I would like to be treated how I treat and this k about others. I am considerate to the hilt, too much and when I don't get the same back, it hurts me all over again.

My counsellor said something about putting my barriers up which is what I do. I describe it as a semi circular wall between me and everyone else, if I like you, I invite you around to my side, when that person then hurts me in some way (and it can be something very simple), it causes me to put them back around the other side of my wall and it's unlikely they would be able to come back again. When that happens I always see the bad things about their behaviour.

Or, the people you may know may just be knobheads and it is nothing to do with you.

As an aside, I'd hate to be hugged. I think people would know this though as I'm pretty sure I give out a 'don't come in to my personal space' vibe. I wouldn't read too much in to that at all.

Perhaps you are socialising in the wrong places - I realised late in life that 'fun' night outs ie sitting in a pub, getting pissed is just totally boring for me. Likewise coffee mornings.I need to be doing something when I socialise - so I go to hobby groups. So there is a little chatting but mostly doing.

Then there's walking groups, sport etc.

What was the day out??

check first you're not, in fact, surrounded by bastards

and this is very relevant. Would you, when out with friends pointedly ignore an outsider?
It can be them - not you.