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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I am clearly an unlikeable person as people don't warm to me and are less nice to me than they are to others?

150 replies

PinkAndWhiteWafers · 06/11/2015 20:44

Title is self explanatory really.

I have friends and get invited to things but everyone seems to warm to me less than they do to others, and whilst people are all lovely and nicey nice to others, I never get that treatment from them and they are abrupt with me. I am a quietly spoken person, I'm not loud or gobby or abrupt, I'm kind and gentle with how I speak to others yet I get spoken to like dirt.

It has just happened to me tonight on Facebook. I did a status about having the heating on today as it's cold (yes, boring I know). Someone who is always very nice and lovely to others posted a really abrupt reply, just in a tone as though she finds me irritating. Actually that's the tone lots of people speak to me in; irritation.

I have tried treating people as they treat me and all it meant was that friends stopped talking to me. No one actually seems bothered about my feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkAndWhiteWafers · 06/11/2015 21:30

Yes we should, U2 Grin

Ooh is there, goodnightdarth? What's it called, I wouldn't mind having a nosey at it?

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 06/11/2015 21:31

Pretty short at the moment, but come and commiserate with us!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2503099-I-dont-have-a-single-friend-in-the-world

Original poster
PinkAndWhiteWafers · 06/11/2015 21:32

Thanks Darth! x

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 06/11/2015 21:32

Honestly, I know how it feels.

My best friend of 12 years and I recently had a massive argument over camping (yes bloody camping!) and I decided I let her put me down for far too long.

Started a new job a few months ago and I thought I might find a nice new friend. I don't fit in really. People are nice to me but I can't break through their social circle. Despite my lack of confidence I am really outgoing and will chat to anyone. Sometimes I meet a person who just gets me, gets my SOH and it's amazing to feel that connection, but it never really goes further.

I can't even pretend it's because I'm hot and they are jealous.

noclueses · 06/11/2015 21:32

being artificially upbeat and positive can also be irritating - I'm not a great example of social interaction but I've learned that being more relaxed/natural/yourself comes across as confident whereas in your face annoying cheerful for no reason is seen either nervous or trying too hard (or both).

whatlifestylechoice · 06/11/2015 21:32

Hmm. I don't know so. You sound nice. Maybe the friend was just in a bad mood or something.

Original poster
PinkAndWhiteWafers · 06/11/2015 21:32

DH thinks I should just ditch all of my friends and start again

OP posts:
noclueses · 06/11/2015 21:33

*annoyingly

Original poster
PinkAndWhiteWafers · 06/11/2015 21:34

I can totally see what you are saying noclueses

If I'm ever not upbeat people don't seem to like it

OP posts:
laffymeal · 06/11/2015 21:35

Maybe just stay off fb, it's not rl you know.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 06/11/2015 21:36

I am quite a negative person (shocker, I know) but I try to rein it in in person and not moan too much, I also find people don;t really know how to deal with it. So I scare people off Grin

Original poster
PinkAndWhiteWafers · 06/11/2015 21:39

I think people also just don't find me very interesting. I don't think I have a boring life; I have an interesting job, we travel, I have hobbies, do things with my DCs etc. But people always seem totally focussed and interested in other people with no interest in me.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 06/11/2015 21:41

I think a lot of it might be because I'm not myself.

Naturally, I am really quite odd. Which people who have known me for years find endearing and they love me for it. I rein it in because I think people won't understand me. Perhaps it comes across that I'm not being real.

I worked with someone who was on agency and I could tell she was like me and we had such a great laugh. I was just myself and she said she would love to work with me again. I think because I knew I wouldn't see her a lot I didn't try to fit in and I was just my natural self.

The problem is, when I have been my natural self around some people they look at me like I have two heads Hmm

2rebecca · 06/11/2015 21:45

Hmm, suspect I'm a shit friend as any of my facebook friends moaning about being cold would be advised to put on a jumper (although I'd probably retrain myself and not post anything as I don't have many facebook friends to lose). It seems a rather pointless post though.
Suspect most of my "friends" would tell me to put on a jumper and man the feck up if I moaned about the cold (especially as it's unseasonably warm up here). I don't have any fluffy friends. I don't have my birthday on Facebook due to data protection/ identitiy theft concerns, am amazed how many folk do.

Groovee · 06/11/2015 21:47

I've noticed whingers get attention too! And if they don't get enough they post another Whiney status.

It's only been in the last year I've found the right social group for me.

Hugs x

Original poster
PinkAndWhiteWafers · 06/11/2015 21:48

I didn't moan about being cold I just said the heating was going on. Yes probably pointless but it didn't harm anyone....

OP posts:
Scoobydoo8 · 06/11/2015 21:53

I think maybe caring what others think comes over to them. So you are showing hurt or confusion when they are speaking to you, this then makes them feel self conscious or in the wrong. So then they avoid engaging with you.

Also you say you are gentle and kind. Maybe too gentle and kind so you appear a bit of a goody two shoes, and they are then dismissive or, as in the FB comment, rude.

If you weren't caring or interested in others you would have no idea that they were being unfriendly or bitchy - you would be oblivious to it. Perhaps that is how most people are.

But we are all different and I know I would never get any 'luv you hun' comments on FB but then they ring so false to me that I wouldn't want them!

I don't want to spend time with people who are 'interesting' (mind you everyone is interesting in their way) I want to spend time with people who make me laugh.

ijustwannadance · 06/11/2015 21:54

I have had this my entire adult life. Only ever with women. Have always got along great with men, much less bullshit. I think it's because i'm useless with the fake niceness at the start and will not bow down to dominant personalities.

My sis on the other hand is a social butterfly and finds it so easy to make friends and fit in anywhere.

Meh. Don't worry too much about it. We're all different. And the fb bod is obviously being fake and gushy to everyone else. Even if she wrote the nice stuff on your post it wouldn't mean she meant a single word of it. She is not a friend.

Scoobydoo8 · 06/11/2015 21:56

Perhaps if you did a survey of you FB contacts you would find that only a minority get the nicey nice treatment but you notice them as you are feeling left out.

Morganly · 06/11/2015 22:18

I would find your Facebook status update boring and pointless and wouldn't reply to it. Your so called friend sounds tetchy and unkind and not a decent friend. I wouldn't take too much notice of Facebook interactions. Real life behaviour is a better indicator. There is often an element of transaction in interactions which is exaggerated on social media. If someone responds positively to one of your posts, you do the same back out of gratitude and reciprocity and to encourage them to keep responding positively to subsequent posts. So when you have seen her respond gushingly to someone else's posts, it may be because the other person does the same for her, rather than anything to do with the content of the post. Do you comment on other people's posts? Do you put up too many not very interesting posts?

The same rules apply in real life but aren't so publicly exposed. Do you show an interest in other people and genuinely care about them? Or do you just talk about yourself? Or show fake interest in other people until you can steer the conversation around to yourself? True friends really care about each other and show it.

If you are confident that you are reciprocal in your interactions, then the problem may just be that you are mixing with a group of people with whom you are not compatible. This doesn't mean that you are unlikeable, just that you haven't found your soul mates yet. The number of friends isn't important. One true friend who you really connect with is worth 100 Facebook "friends".

7Days · 06/11/2015 22:20

I dunno, maybe you are a bit terse yourself on facebook, non of the lol huns or whatever. I am only saying that because I tend to adapt my my fb responses to who I'm speaking to (which makes me sound weak and false but I'm not! )

RedMapleLeaf · 06/11/2015 22:22

This reply has been deleted

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PopcornFrenzy · 06/11/2015 22:30

I was told I was irritating once because I was too happy and upbeat, it really knocked my confidence for ages. I'm a really happy person, I always look on the bright side and look for a silver lining. This person was a grumpy miserable fucker and I never liked her...are you a positive person?

PopcornFrenzy · 06/11/2015 22:33

WTAF red

Morganly · 06/11/2015 22:35

Good call RedMapleLeaf