To think that I am clearly an unlikeable person as people don't warm to me and are less nice to me than they are to others?

[PinkAndWhiteWafers]

Title is self explanatory really.

I have friends and get invited to things but everyone seems to warm to me less than they do to others, and whilst people are all lovely and nicey nice to others, I never get that treatment from them and they are abrupt with me. I am a quietly spoken person, I'm not loud or gobby or abrupt, I'm kind and gentle with how I speak to others yet I get spoken to like dirt.

It has just happened to me tonight on Facebook. I did a status about having the heating on today as it's cold (yes, boring I know). Someone who is always very nice and lovely to others posted a really abrupt reply, just in a tone as though she finds me irritating. Actually that's the tone lots of people speak to me in; irritation.

I have tried treating people as they treat me and all it meant was that friends stopped talking to me. No one actually seems bothered about my feelings.

I think red was highlighting how ridiculous ijustwanna's post was.

Props to red for calling out sexist claptrap. See that sort of nonsense on these type of threads all the time, glad some posters have got the energy to challenge it.

I can actually relate to what Wanna dance says. I've always got on great with men, but for some reason. I seem to be hated by a lot of women. I used to give a shiny shit but not no more. I'm not particularly in love with them either!,so no love lost, there.
I like to think it's because they're just envious of my beauty..

Op, just wanted to say you sound normal and nice. Don't worry about what these people think of you and how you should modify your behaviour to make them like you. How do you feel about them? They don't sound like they're adding anything good to your life?
I'd suggest that you listen to your DH and let some of these people drift gently away. Put your energy into looking for new positive relationships, and definitely stay off Facebook for a while

Ffs. It's funny how people twist everthing. Why was it ridiculous? I grew up surrounded by lads and my brothers. Have always got on better with men and have male friends. When I said less bullshit I meant that they are often more accepting of my weirdness and non girly hobbies. Don't make out that I hate women. I just can't stand all the fake hugs/emotions/babe/hun and competitiveness that I see regularly. Not real friends. My best female friends are those who got to know me over time and love me for me.

Actually I agree with ijustwanna, I feel like that too. You cant tell us that our experience of life is ridiculous because you don't agree with it.

Women younger than me like me

I feel actively disliked by other women despite trying really hard to be nice and chatty. I complimented someone on their choice of fabric for curtains recently and she shot me a look like I'd called her a cunt. She was actually staring at me open mouthed with a look of disgust on her face.

It's very isolating and difficult to tell where you're going wrong sometimes.

It's hard OP. It doesn't come to me naturally but I wish it did! I wish I knew what to say to mums who are with their toddlers at the park, I just smile and go blank. I do have quite a lot of friends from different stages in my life but these have been made through being a part of something together- school, same team at work etc.

You sound lovely though and there's nothing wrong with your status on fb. I do think it's odd that no-one puts kisses on your birthday messages if they do with others.. Why be so abrupt?

Some people on this thread are mentioning how being a whinger can put people off, this is true.. I also know moaners who get loads of attention. I am positive and a great listener most of the time which some people seem to like, but not everyone does. What I've realised about myself is that I think I appear too strong and positive.. I feel self conscious having a moan about something, a moan about my partner, generally being negative.. But some women respond well to people who show they are fallible.. Who they can bond over problems with. Who they feel they can offer support to. It's human nature. My dad died earlier this year and I've let my weaknesses show both online and offline for the first time... The amount of people who have become closer as a result has been amazing. Obviously I don't reccommend that but you see what I mean about appearing more human!
Sorry that was probably nonsensical Short version: Sometimes it's not about being happy and positive all the time.. But not being negative all the time either. It's a balance.

I'm not a lovely person so don't expect to be treated as if I am. And I don't go in for gushyness. But if your friends are loud gobby types and you're quiet maybe that's the trouble. Just be yourself and ignore them. And don't pay any attention to Facebook.

Props to red for calling out sexist claptrap. See that sort of nonsense on these type of threads all the time, glad some posters have got the energy to challenge it.

Firstly, who the fuck in reality says props!?
Secondly I don't see why I should have to feel bad for not being a man hating, extreme feminist. If I had said the same thing about men would you have nodded along in agreement?

And you also nicely illustrated my point. Thank you. Some women are cliquey and bitchy. Some are lovely. Such is life.

fluffy Christ! What would she have done if you'd actually offended her That says more about the woman than you.. Open mouthed at a compliment!?

I don't really know how social interactions work between females of the specie but ime of male interocial behaviour in have witnessed one thing time and time again:

Services = Friendships
Eg:
If a man can fix cars, he'll have lots of friends who'll visit him often.
If a guy can repair computers, he'll have lots of friends that visit him often.
If a chap tells entertaining anecdotes down the boozer, he'll have lots of friends.
If, on the other hand, a man offers none of these services of practical, technical and entertainment, he will have no friends.

I don't know cars, computers or anecdotes. I know about Kylie Minogue, My Little Pony, make up and clothes. This in a male environment proved less popular ime.

Dunno, Offered me tea and biscuits and asked me if I watched Eastenders?.

I've noticed colleagues who are very "me, me, me, lets talk about me and how I feel and what I think and my eyes will glaze over if you talk about you for a second" are often incredibly popular.

I don't actually dislike other women I just don't fit in for some reason. Some of us just don't.

FGS Wannadance, would you really have said that about muslims, gay people, Nigerians, etc? You can't just say I prefer People Type X without checking maybe that you have some sort of bias

I'm an oddball with social anxiety and very few friends. You wouldn't believe it if you met me, nobody ever does. I struggle massively in my personal life, many health problems, no support. Sorry, no help to you but I see other people running round after each other all the time and I get sad and think, where my special person! Take it easy, your time will come xx

7Days of course I wouldn't have said stuff about race, sexual preference, religion! What the fuck would that have to do with my post. Again, why do people insist on twisting things and adding extra bits in that were never implied in the first place.

I have always got on better with men. That is a fact of my life. Nothing more. I find groups of women difficult to bond with as just because I have tits and a vagina, it doesn't automatically give me anything in common with them.

Most people think I'm a bit uh...mad/awful when they meet me at first. I don't have much of a filter, I talk too much, I show all my weaknesses. But I have to admit that, having moved around the world/country a few times in my life, I never make an effort to make friends. I just go around, being myself, for a few weeks/months and invariably I find people who are drawn to me. I'm not a charismatic beauty, I'm just myself, and so the friends I make appreciate me in all my crappy, vulnerable mess. The only time I ever actively tried to make friends (when I lived in a big lonely city) most of them ran a bloody mile. Just be yourself, OP, wait it out, and your people will find you. And don't be so sensitive about the FB heating thing, cos you probably had that coming.

SweetsweetjanebI am exactly the same! People would be surprised to realise how anxious and lonely I am as outwardly I seem quite confident and chatty and 'know a lot of people'. The thing is, I don't have a single friend. Not a proper one, other than my husband. I have colleagues and acquaintances and people to say hello to but nobody I could phone in a crisis or even share good news with. I am NC with every single blood relative I have (apart from my son) and have been for years and I think this probably has a lot to do with it - trust issues, insecurity etc etc etc. But really I'm just a massive introvert and will probably always be a bit of a lone wolf. It's sad really because I have a lot to offer and would be a good friend but I often feel on the outside of social situations.

sweetJane
So why is race, sexual preference,religion, etc, something that wouldn't bother you, but sex is?
You are born with your sex just as you are born with skin colour. More so, even.

7Days if you last post was meant for me can you please tell me when exactly I said a persons sex bothered me? Just stop twisting things and trying to find something that isn't there.
Why is me getting on well with men or prefering male company so heinous? I don't hate woman. I never said I did. That is the conclusion some posters have came to and elaborated on. Throwing in race, religion etc is just ridiculous and completely irrelevant.

I am another person who struggles to form friendships with women but gets on well with men. I have a core of lovely longstanding female friends but struggle like hell in playgroup and school gate type situations. I have never made a good friend in that sort of scenario.

If I ever do a school run pick up often I will stand on my own and one of the Dads will come over and talk to me. We are going to a party tomorrow night. I don't like paries much anyway. I will probably end up talking more to the men than the women.

I am not a flirt, I am certainly not gorgeous or anything. In fact I'm quite sort of gender neutral in the stuff I like. Lots of women are a bit dismissive of me, especially the more glamourous ones.

I think sometimes when people are kind and gentle people mistake it for weakness and don't feel like they have to keep on the right side of you or see you as a pushover. I was like that in my teens and early 20s. I'm a right hard faced cow now and very assertive and people treat me far better than they did when I was kind and gentle and quiet. It's a sad fact of life but unfortunately true. A lot of people will only give something if they think they need to, in order to get something out of you i.e. you being nice back to them. If they know you'll be nice to them whatever, some people will treat you like shit.

If someone made a comment like that to me on Facebook I'd say something like 'Not as cold as your black heart, love, you could freeze giblets in there'. Or similar. Jokey but not taking any shit. Discourage them from doing it again.

I wish it wasn't true but it is.

Well, I'm really quite shocked at the reaction to what ijustwannadance said. It's a well-established fact that men and women react to their own sex in different ways, and lots of people tend to get on better with the opposite sex if 'rejected' by their own. If you've been fortunate enough not to have experienced that then lucky you - but to deny it happens or to label it a sexist comment is pretty ignorant in my view.

OP, in my experience women are generally far more judgemental towards other women than men are towards other men, and if you don't fit in a particular group then please don't let it get to you. Your ideal friendship circle is out there and they will be lovely to you - you just haven't met them yet. Like many others on the thread I've been in that position and it's not nice (like the woman who organised lifts home for everyone who was working late, except me; the only one getting married in the office they didn't have a collection for, etc) and yes, it hurt at the time. Ate lunch alone, or with a couple of nice MALE colleagues who were always a good laugh, never unpleasant but not exactly real friends I'd meet socially.

I met a bunch of people through being fans of an old cult TV show, found a few kindred spirits and now count them as some of the best people I know, both male and female, all types of background. We bonded through our mutual hobby, so perhaps you, OP, should reflect on why you are friends with these people, and what holds you together. Can you have a laugh together, get drunk together, misbehave together? If not, they're not for you. And that would be good because it would leave you free to go off and find the right friends.

But what do you really mean, IJustWanna - are you saying you get on with all men, and not with any women at all? You've admitted yourself that you do get on with some women, and I can't believe for a minute that you get on with all men - their personalities are way too varied for that ever to be possible.

So what's actually happening is that you get on with some men, and not others; some women and not others. And that is why the comment rubs people up the wrong way. Because if you said it about an entire race of people, or sexual orientation, it would just seem ridiculous. It does when you apply it to gender, as well.

Besides, you're on Mumsnet. Populated almost entirely by women - all of us different, with probably only a small minority fitting the stereotype of liking kittens, spa days, giggling and pillow fights. If you're on here, it must be because the women posting on here keep you entertained enough to hang around. :)