To think that I am clearly an unlikeable person as people don't warm to me and are less nice to me than they are to others?

[PinkAndWhiteWafers]

Title is self explanatory really.

I have friends and get invited to things but everyone seems to warm to me less than they do to others, and whilst people are all lovely and nicey nice to others, I never get that treatment from them and they are abrupt with me. I am a quietly spoken person, I'm not loud or gobby or abrupt, I'm kind and gentle with how I speak to others yet I get spoken to like dirt.

It has just happened to me tonight on Facebook. I did a status about having the heating on today as it's cold (yes, boring I know). Someone who is always very nice and lovely to others posted a really abrupt reply, just in a tone as though she finds me irritating. Actually that's the tone lots of people speak to me in; irritation.

I have tried treating people as they treat me and all it meant was that friends stopped talking to me. No one actually seems bothered about my feelings.

waits to see if seeyounearertime gets jumped on for being a sexist bastard for fitting the male steroetype of fixing shelves and mowing the lawn for is helpless dependant female friend

Actually Mild I just thank fuck I don't have friends like you. Superiority complex maybe?

I think you are being sensitive. I might say something like that but I'd say it to the Bishop, too. But there's obviously background to this. If she acts irritated again, you could always ask her if she's ok because you felt she was snappy . If she retaliates just block her

Do you think people may be "mirroring" you?

For example, I would never use some of the words you mentioned - such as "lovely lady" or "hunni" etc and I find people don't really use those words with me either. I don't feel I irritate people though. Obviously, some people I probably do but I don't really care as long as it's not most people.

waits to see if seeyounearertime gets jumped on for being a sexist bastard for fitting the male steroetype of fixing shelves and mowing the lawn for is helpless dependant female friend

I don't think I was being sexist? I never inferred my old friend was useless? She asked me tonput shelves up, I obliged, I never questioned why.
I even said it was a trade off, she helped me, I helped her, there's nothing sexist there I don't think?

I certainly apologise if it did in any way sound sexist. It certainly wasn't meant as such.

Seeyou I was joking. Just making a point due to the daft attitudes of others.

I used to have two best friends who used "lovely lady" and wrote gushing things in birthday cards. We have grown apart as I have a very different life from them now, although we are still on good terms.

The more mature friendships I have now are based on mutual respect, things in common etc rather than shared memories, as these best friends were (we met as teenagers so lots of sexual exploits and festivals etc shared) So, we might go to the cinema or meet for afternoon tea rather than "hang out" and we aren't huggy / gushy and often don't even do birthday cards! I think it is just a part of growing up and the fact you are still invited places suggest you are definitely well liked.

Unfortunately now you have tuned into it you will not be able to ignore it easily - I would suggest as a PP they are simply mirroring you and it is no reflection on the depth of the friendship

You sound really nice, op. thoughtful and measured.
I agree with others- FB is no indication of anything. It's not rl and studies show that those who use it a lot are often more narcissistic than others. I reckon you wouldn't get on with that type.
In rl, I'd say: take your time- friendships take years-and many are based around convenience- not in a bad way but that's how you get to know people...

Interesting. Seeyounearerthetime said he didn't really have female friends and this has passed almost without comment. IJustWanna said the same thing and is being crucified.

I wonder if those pointing the finger of sexism perhaps ought to look a little closer to home when pointing? Why is someone female expected to have female friends almost as an obligation? Why are some women so agitated by other women not really having female friends? I've never really seen this level of vitriol levelled towards a woman who says most of her friends are female. I think the assumption that women should gravitate towards other women and have a natural affinity for each other just as sexist. Why is it okay for women to have mainly female friends or a man to have mainly male friends and that isn't commented on or thought odd, but women with mainly male friends are an oddity? That's real sexism IMO.

The same happens every time a woman on here expresses a preference for friendships with men. And ironically the vitriol aimed at her always makes me think 'Yes, and you've just given a perfect example of why she finds a lot of women too unpleasant to be friendly with.'

pink, time to delete 'friend' off Facebook, and others like her. You sound absolutely lovely. Mabey those friends giving each other nicer birthday messages, know each other better.

Dont take this the wrong way/only a thought OP as i dont know you etc, but... when I left one career and went into corporate world I noticed corporate PA's are very familiar on email to each other, even if they havent met in person, than when emailing management or other PA's cc'd in. I found it a bit 'gushy' and over familiar at first, as most of them are based overseas or other UK offices so dont know them from adam, but then i realised it it oils the wheels, its nice to be nice and now I use same type of 'familiar' style. And keep the formal emails for management or emails a lot of people will get cc'd on. Maybe your friends, with you being quiet , dont get that 'familiar' warm/fuzzy communication style from you, so they don't 'give it back'. Only a thought - as when i was younger and terribly shy, people often got wrong idea and thought i was stand offish, not shy.

Thanks Booyaka. Just makes me laugh that absolutely everything I wrote was twisted to make me look like some evil woman hating bitch. Says more about them really.

Do you think if they knew my best friend is not only female, but a lesbian too it would earn me some brownie points?
Although she does read Heat magazine and watches sex in the city and i'm not sure thats allowed. Ya know, coz they promote gender stereotypes.

Who has called you names or attacked you IJust? I'm not asking because I don't believe they haven't, just I know I haven't and I can't remember anyone who has.

I'm not sure whether you're being deliberately obtuse, but can you not see the irony in saying that there aren't the parallels between sexism and racism that I have pointed out and in the next breath saying, "some of my best friends are female"?

This thread got weird.

Some people get on better with the same sex. Some people get on better with the opposite sex.

They are discussing their own person experience and not slagging off an entire gender. MN is touchy lately. I suggest a round of grip shopping.

No wonder the OP hasn't come back, Red you proper hijacked the thread with your racist/sexist nonsense

Meh, I think it's cool to have a preference male/female friendships.

I think it's less cool (and not true) to characterise women as 'full of bull shit, fake niceness and having to bow down to dominant personalities'

If you think it worth engaging in the discussion Popcorn then argue the point - explain why drawing parallels between racism and sexism is nonsense. If you don't think it worth engaging, then report my posts.

Oh come on Red. You might not of outright called me sexist like others but you certainly implied it. You deliberately altered my threads to force your point. Like a dog with a bone. Just comes across as smug righteousness to me.

All I did was give my own experience to the op. Nothing else. Not my problem if that doesn't fit in or match your ideals.

I didn't intend to alter your point. I intended to show how prejudiced your opinion is. Unfortunately it's easier to be clear on this if you substitute gay or black or disabled for woman. This has already been explained by other posters.

I didn't have to attack you. You provided the language every time.

Damn straight your prejudices don't meet my ideals.

The poster that said those comments was talking about her own experience and probably seeing if that what was the OPs experience was too.

MN has got seriously weird recently with all the PC bollocks that people can't speak about their own experiences without someone calling racist/sexist

wanna not 'doing well' in playgroup/school gate situations doesnt equate to 'not getting on with women'

I've never been to a playgroup and don't do school runs. Have lots of female friends. You know women exist outside the 1950s stereotype right?

Op you totally over reacted to the FB reply. How on earth can you take offence at 'can't believe you are cold'?? If she was irritated by you, she wouldn't have posted

I really get what you mean OP and a few other who replied before the thread got derailed.

I feel like this. But I have since discovered that people think I am weird/odd/blunt/misunderstood/prim and proper with a hidden wild side. Just some of the ways I have been described. A few people have also commented how they love drunk CFS (which is a very rare occurance). I take it to mean I'm a bit boring without drink as I do tend to let go and get a bit loud after a few but I think I am being irritating.

I have done a few online aspergers tests and score quite high. It would explain a lot. I cannot be fake, I am very black and white, if I don't like someone I'm not going to pretend to be their best friend, I am loyal to the hilt and love my friends, I'd always help in a crisis and can be relied upon. People either get me or they don't. And when they don't I struggle to know how to be around them. I think I get too attached and possibly see a friendship that isn't as I thought it was. I had a group of friends who would all do loads of favours and stuff for each other but I'd never get the same treatment back. Ultimately I've stopped bothering with them.

There is someone in my circle at the moment who I am fairly sure doesn't really like me. She is very hot and cold and I never know how to take her each time I see her. We can be talking and she will literally turn around and focus on someone else whilst I am speaking. She never ever likes or comments on my FB, even when we are part of the same conversation. I am fairly sure she doesn't like my child as she seems to revel in it if she knows something that they have done that I don't know about. Plus she can never praise an achievement when i do with their child. When I have heard things about her child, I just keep quiet but she doesn't. It's making me very unsure and I seem to get this a lot. People think they can treat me like shit and I'll just take it. I can be quite passive and I think dominant people pick up on this. But then other people say they are surprised when they hear I just said nothing.

My conclusion is that if people cannot accept you for the way you are, they are not real friends and you need to find the people who do like you for you. I have very few people I would count as friends. Most of my 'friends' are more acquaintances.

i feel this alot too OP.
i dont get along with men at all (apart from my DH ) i like womens company but i dont actually feel like many women like mine. dont get me wrong i have 2 very close friends but they have been my friends since we were 12 and we are now 30. i have barely made another single friend since apart from work mates, who are great but if i stopped working with them tomorrow..... would we be friends?! i dont know.
i have come off facebook, ages ago actually as it seemed if i put a photo on or status (totally non offensive to anyone) id get a sarky comment on it?!? i thought fuck this in the end and i feel better since!
maybe distance yourself from FB. dont even give people a chance to be a twat to you.

I have very few friends and I think it takes a lot of searching to find those that can be a really good friend. I very rarely post on Facebook. Currently I belong to a group of people through a hobby I enjoy and I feel at home with them for the first time in many years. They are not close friends but they are people with whom I feel comfortable, rather than judged.
I am sensitive and not interested in many of the things that seem to interest other people so I would never expect to be popular.