To think DB just doesn't want to work, rather than can't?

[nottobeouted]

Backstory: DB is in his 30s mental health issues going right back and recently diagnosed as being on the spectrum (Although I have some experience in the area and I don't quite see it?).

He has never worked, has no qualifications, claims benefits, has always lived with our parents and spends his time in bed or gaming. He has been in this situation for 15+ years.

He talks about wanting to get a job, have a career, move out and over the years there have been a few failed attempts at training courses, college and university courses but everything always becomes "too much" and despite being rather bright he never completes them.

Recently DB had a "crisis" just after his ESA renewal was rejected and ended up back on medication although he is stable again now and has won his appeal. The team DB was treated under said it would be beneficial for him to have some structure to his day and referred him to a charity that helps people get back into employment. To cut a long story short they have spent a long of time with DB building him up with voluntary work (which he says he enjoyed) and have now helped him get an almost perfect job offer trial.

This week he has turned around and says he can't do it, he won't cope, it isn't worth it financially and he won't even give it a try. Our DPs are supporting him in this decision and he is now saying he is going to quit the voluntary role as it is "pointless".

AIBU to think DB doesn't actually want to work as he is in a comfort zone. And to think DM/DD should issue an ultimatum for him to at least TRY or move out. How else will he ever learn to "cope" with his issues? I fear otherwise DB is going to spend the next 30 years stuck at home mooching off our parents leaving them penniless in retirement ?

I sound like a heartless bitch but it seems as though he is doing nothing to help himself and quite frankly I'm exhausted because DM turns to me for emotional support and I'm sick of everything being about DB and his issues.

Have you posted about him several times before op? It sounds really familiar.

I think YABU.

My brother was on the spectrum and was able to get jobs, but keeping them was entirely another matter.

I do understand what you mean and I think many people don't realise how incredibly draining autistic people can be; I don't want that to sound awful but with my brother - God, you could have the same conversation fifty odd times a day.

He killed himself and left some literature behind which showed me how crushingly low his self esteem was, all along.

I think that if you can't be supportive and show understanding of the problems that your brother is facing, then you should stay out of it and keep quiet rather than try to get your parents to kick him out.

Wow OP YABVU.

Doing the crossing out stuff doesn't alter how unpleasant and ignorant your OP is.

Well you sound lovely OP!

So you seemingly know better than the medical professionals and know what is best for him?

can't be an easy situation for your brother or parents. Perhaps try being supportive?

I'm trying to be supportive but I have just been drained over the last few years. I don't know what else to do. I'm frustrated as I've not had things easy either, I've had depression and I do feel, perhaps unreasonably, that our DPs are entirely consumed by DBs needs and always have been. I would have appreciated some support from them but it has never been forthcoming.

I think this is a huge opportunity that DB is being given and is just being thrown away. This is what the professionals have advised would help him and he is just refusing point blank.

I understand it isn't easy but how does anyone with a disability learn to cope unless they at least try new things?

I domhave some sympathy OP, although I can't say whether your brother could actually work.
We have a family member who would be perfectly capable of working, even though she has SN but she doesn't really like getting up in the mornings or generally getting off her lazy backside.
It differs greatly from case to case, you can't say anyone on the spectrum or with SN can or can't work as a general principle so I have no idea If yanbu with regards to your brother. However, you probably know this better than anyone else on here.

YABU
And as for the poster saying how draining it is spending time with someone with asd, you want to try having it, it's not exactly a barrel of laughs you know.

OP, perhaps you need to read about the subject and support your brother rather than slagging him off on the Internet.

I understand it isn't easy but how does anyone with a disability learn to cope unless they at least try new things?

Executive function deficit. I suggest you research it.

And I can't get my head around the ASD diagnosis not being made until now. He is high functioning if anything and isn't the world full of aspie scientists, computer programmers, engineers?

I can't see it is an excuse to do nothing forever.

Sorry, xposted with your last post which came across better than the first.

Going to work after such a long break would be anxiety provoking in anyone. For someone with asd just the thought of it is enough to make you freeze. It's hard to understand, but maybe you could read some blogs or books from the asd point of view, which may help you understand better.

I'm 39, have recently been diagnosed, cannot get my head around maths, don't understand science, engineering of any kind leaves me cold.

There isn't a box that we fit in labelled "Autism"

There's a saying, "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism"

Sounds like you have quite a narrow, stereotypical understanding.

You say you have some experience of autism, yet your posts display complete ignorance about what autism actually means and how it affects people.

My post was to the OP.

I completely understand how draining autism is.

A typical conversation with my brother would be inappropriate (would talk about serial killers and the like in front of my young children) and since he didn't really 'get' humour it was difficult to have a giggle with him like most people.

Autism and work - not sure. My brother couldn't, and he really did try. It was the repeated failures at work that led to him taking his life: he just kept being dismissed from jobs

None of us knows whether the OP is being U or not, as none of us knows her brother. She may be right, she may not.

I don't think that describing the OP as a "heartless bitch" or "fucking ignorant" is either kind or appropriate. I really wish that people who post stuff like that would take a long, hard look at themselves. Sadly, they never will, because they are so full of their own self-righteousness that they will never even contemplate the possibility that the are wrong. It's sad, though. And I feel for the OP - whether she is right or wrong, it's a frustrating situation for her.

Hmm.
I do sympathise to a point.
You obv feel like your parents have always favoured your bro, despite your own difficulties and I think that is colouring your views.
It's a shame your bro does not feel able to continue his voluntary role at least, but it's your parents that have to deal with any fallout if he can't cope/has a crisis, not you.

I know several people who have been dx as having asd in later life.

These threads are growing so tiresome. YABU.

I think you need to visit the national autistic society website and do some research about what autism actually is, not everyone with high functioning autism is some sort of "rain man". (My son is right at the other end of the spectrum).

Only a very few disabled people ever find work or manage to hold down a job, those with autism find incredibly difficult because the sheer nature of having autism makes it stressful and exhausting to cope with social situations.

Sorry but I think yabu.

I think yo're getting an unreasonably hard time here, OP. If the professional team looking after your brother think the work trial could be of benefit to him then I don't think it's unreasonable to at least expect him to try it. It might work, or it might not, but going against medical advice and not even trying it doesn't seem a sensible approach.

And the op didn't say she found her brother draining - she said it was exhausting having to support he mother while getting little support herself.

I think this kind of disability is very difficult to have and very difficult for others to understand. I would do as much research as you can on his condition to try and understand it better.