To think DB just doesn't want to work, rather than can't?

[nottobeouted]

Backstory: DB is in his 30s mental health issues going right back and recently diagnosed as being on the spectrum (Although I have some experience in the area and I don't quite see it?).

He has never worked, has no qualifications, claims benefits, has always lived with our parents and spends his time in bed or gaming. He has been in this situation for 15+ years.

He talks about wanting to get a job, have a career, move out and over the years there have been a few failed attempts at training courses, college and university courses but everything always becomes "too much" and despite being rather bright he never completes them.

Recently DB had a "crisis" just after his ESA renewal was rejected and ended up back on medication although he is stable again now and has won his appeal. The team DB was treated under said it would be beneficial for him to have some structure to his day and referred him to a charity that helps people get back into employment. To cut a long story short they have spent a long of time with DB building him up with voluntary work (which he says he enjoyed) and have now helped him get an almost perfect job offer trial.

This week he has turned around and says he can't do it, he won't cope, it isn't worth it financially and he won't even give it a try. Our DPs are supporting him in this decision and he is now saying he is going to quit the voluntary role as it is "pointless".

AIBU to think DB doesn't actually want to work as he is in a comfort zone. And to think DM/DD should issue an ultimatum for him to at least TRY or move out. How else will he ever learn to "cope" with his issues? I fear otherwise DB is going to spend the next 30 years stuck at home mooching off our parents leaving them penniless in retirement ?

I sound like a heartless bitch but it seems as though he is doing nothing to help himself and quite frankly I'm exhausted because DM turns to me for emotional support and I'm sick of everything being about DB and his issues.

Op if you are able to I really recommend watching "kitchen impossible" on all4 catch up (channel 4). It's about a group of adults with disabilities trying to work in a professional kitchen. One of the adults has high functioning autism (Jack). He lives alone and already has a part time job - which is amazing for someone with autism- but you can see the way he struggles with tasks in the programme etc. It's really interesting.

I think...understandably...your parents are trying to protect your bro.
As I'm sure you would your own DC.
You don't have to agree with them.
I is a shame he doesn't feel able to job, and that he wants to quit his voluntary post, but if that's how he feels there is nothing you can do.
It's hard to see, I'm sure, and you must be concerned for your parents too, but really....take a step back.
You aren't helping him or them with your judgment.

Badders123
I think you are right, my frustration is colouring my judgement. It is not my intention to make my DB sound lazy or bad, he is kind and intelligent and can focus for hours on things he wants to.

I just can't see DB as disabled, yes he has issues but....

I note that none of the abusers are offering any practical help, just shrieking bile.

not useful to someone clearly approaching the end of her tether.

nothing useful to add? Belt up then.

I've no practical help but I think the OP and her family, including her brother, are all in a very difficult situation.

In my experience there seems to be a stigma attached to mental health or hidden disabilities from those who can't see actual proof. OP, while it must be hard for you coming to terms with your brother's diagnosis and apparent favouritism from your parents think how it is for your brother trying to come to terms with it.

If this is a recent diagnosis then along with his other MH problems he could feel immense pressure and work would be the last thing on his mind. Give him time to adapt and try to see that you me parents don't favour him.

I have a family member with learning difficulties (not autism) and I have seen first hand how it has affected her siblings and the family dynamic.
Both siblings have moved far away, in one case abroad, and I don't blame them one bit :(
The person in question (who is now nearly 40) lives in a family house with carers.
Except....they can't get anyone else to share the house because she is so vile to them :(
Her parents are unable to "let go" and therefore are still stressed, still trying to sort out care packages etc etc
It's a mess tbh :(
I get a bit fed up sometimes when people defend those with mh issues or autism no matter what, and yet if a sibling dares say they feel let down/stressed/ignored they are lambasted!
It's not easy for anyone in these circs.
Op...seriously. Step back. Let your parents do what they feel they have to do.

You're getting a right slagging off here OP and I don't think it is fair.

Because you are the one having to cope with this in your family, as opposed to all the "keyboard warriors" on here.

You don't have to be the martyr of the family! As you see it is draining and drives one to depression.. You have an equal right to your own life and the pursuit of your own happiness.

Yes, maybe your parents "indulged" him by not encouraging him to at least become more independent of them. And for letting him coop up in his room and only play computer games..... but they obviously did it out of love. We are all infallible and make mistakes.

What happens when they die? I can imagine this is a thought at the back of your mind while being your mum's emotional sponge at the same time.
It is exhausting.

Have you thought of counselling for yourself? You could bring all these worries to someone who is not involved.

I feel for you. I don't know if YBU or not, but I can understand your concern and frustration. Please ask your parents what will happen to your DB when they are no longer around. It will help you and your DB if you can all address this issue before it arises. I'm sorry that I can't offer any advice. My own brother is now 57 and I worry about him. I'm the backstop when anything goes wrong. I can't help feeling that more should have been done when he was younger and like you, I felt I was banging my head against a brick wall. I'm sorry if I come across as uncaring and unsympathetic to mental health problems. I'm really not.

Ok
I've kind of been here
I think you are in denial about the extent of his barriers to work/social life and in denial about the extent of his disabilities
Probably best to remain uninvolved if you are finding it too hard to see your brothers side of things. It must be hard as you are your mums support. Perhaps encourage her to join some carers groups or groups for parents of autistic adults.
These disabilities will not go away. Quite likely as an older adult he could become more rigid in his thinking. What are your parents plans for him after they are gone? You will need to make clear if you are not able to take over their caring role. Supported housing while they are still alive might ease the transition. A trust fund if they will have some money to leave is also a consideration

I think that's very sensible advice.
Some counselling for you might be really beneficial.

I would suggest asking your parents about making sure a POA has been appointed for your bro if you cannot/do not want to be involved in his care once they are no longer here.
Sorry...I know it's not nice to think about but my mum has made me her POA and whilst depressing it has given her great peace of mind.
X

Sadly, in the case of my relative, her family were in total denial there was anything wrong with her until behaviour became so bad she had to be put on anti psychotic meds :(
"Oh she will catch up!"
Er....no.
Perhaps a chat with your parents about future plans would be a good idea?

I'm trying to be supportive

Really? You sound as though you consider him to be malingering.

And I can't get my head around the ASD diagnosis not being made until now. He is high functioning if anything and isn't the world full of aspie scientists, computer programmers, engineers?

Whyever not? ( I don't really understand your point about engineers.)

YANBU

You are entitled to feel drained and resentful and angry at this situation which is not of your doing. You are entitled to all your feelings. But, honestly, in the gentlest possible way I think you are angry at the wrong person - whether your DB can work or not, it's out of your control and it sounds like his too. I'm sorry. Sometimes life sucks and it's not fair.

I don't think that describing the OP as a "heartless bitch" or "fucking ignorant" is either kind or appropriate. I really wish that people who post stuff like that would take a long, hard look at themselves. Sadly, they never will, because they are so full of their own self-righteousness that they will never even contemplate the possibility that the are wrong.

The OP described herself as a heartless bitch. And she is fucking ignorant. It's attitudes like hers that make life really shitty for adults with autism like me. We face ignorance every single day. The least we should be able to expect is understanding from our families. But no. We just need to snap out of it, stop being so lazy and get a job.

Would he have to sign off to do the job? He might be better off doing permitted work first. Someone on ESA can do some work and still get their benefits. He could do it for up to a year, without issue with his benefits. I find when you've been on benefit for that long, the jump into paid work and loss of the safety net, is totally terrifying. Permitted work is a great stepping stone to make that easier. The barriers to doing the work trial sound like fear to me. Get the charity helping him to help address his fears about it and look into doing it on a permitted work basis if he is successful.

I think the op got a flaming because the first post came across as having no understanding of how ASD and MH can affect someone, and when you are affected, or your child is, it's difficult not to get defensive.

I suppose ultimately you are not responsible for him, so you can take a step back if you wish.

It's not so easy being the parent, it's very difficult to deal with, especially when there are siblings to think about and try to give equal attention to.

Have you posted about him several times before op? It sounds really familiar.

Before I even saw this post, I had the exact same thoughts when I read the OP.

Pretty sure it was even posted around the same of year last year too.

This puts me in mind of something Temple Grandin said along the lines of when people talk to her about their autism she tells them that she doesn't want to know about their autism she wants to know about their life, what they do, their hobbies.

It sounds like your brother sees himself as unable to face the world which is pretty sad for him really, he could spend his whole life like that or he could grab the opportunities offered to him but its not your call OP. Out of interest have you told your parents that this is how you feel?

agree with counselling as per PP's suggestions.

Also OP, not everyone with autism is the same. Have you ever heard the expression "if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism"?

I'm willing to bet there's a good chance that if you met me you wouldn't believe I have autism but I do.

I know exactly where you're coming from OP. My brother is schizophrenic and entirely supported by my parents financially. He refuses to engage with any mental health services. He's sexist, racist and generally unpleasant company who uses my parents as emotional punch bags.

My parents have dealt with the whole situation really badly (this has been going on now for around 25 years). These days I just don't want to hear it and I refuse to be an emotional support when they carry on doing exactly the same thing over and over again and then wonder why nothing changes.