Husband and I constantly argue about money and have totally different views. I can't work out who is being unreasonable?

[cleoteacher]

We have totally different attitudes to money. I don't know how to solve it and we have had another blazing row. I just don't know who is right or wrong anymore.

Basically he had a text from his mate to go out for drinks. He wanted to go but I reminded him he is low in his account. This leads to him ranting at me that it's my fault he can't go and I am dictating how he's spending his money and he earns x amount and only gets x amount of this. He's very mine, mine, mine in my opinion.

He then argues it's my fault because I got him a pair of trousers out of his account, which were less than half price. He argues these should have come out of the joint account and he didn't want me to get them for him. However , I thought I was doing something nice as the previous night he came home complaining that he urgently needed new trousers for work. I asked him twice before I brought them online if he wanted them and he said he did but is now saying he didn't want to upset me by saying no.

He then argued he should get it out the joint account as I had. £150 recently from a £450 tax rebate into my own account and the rest into savings and he had paid £1,000 bonus into the savings account recently out of a £2,000 bonus. The other £1,000 went towards the deposit on a car I didn't want.

He says I micro manage his money and constantly blames me for the fact he can't have nights out or new clothes. But he gets a set amount of money every month and chooses to spend it on other stuff so doesn't have the money for these things. He wants to get overdrawn to buy these things but I don't want to get overdrawn after spending years in our overdrafts and have worked bloody hard to get out of it. I know he's only talking about £10 or so snd he says he would make it up the following month but I feel like he wouldn't, he's very reckless with money. Plus I get half the amount he gets and I manage to buy clothes etc with that money without going overdrawn so feel while I work really hard to manage my money so should he. He's not willing to sacrifice one thing for something else like I am.

I want to save and feel we should underspend in our own accounts and use this to put into extra savings which he doesn't want to do as he doesn't care about any of the things I want to save for. Yet he wants a weeks holiday abroad next year and likes a warm house now we have a new boiler, all of which we only have due to my careful management of money.

So I get his point about being too controlling with the money but I feel I have to be of we would never have the savings. I don't dictate what he spends his money on I just ask him to stick to a certain amount which he says he can't do and should have more as he earns x amount plans only sees a small amount of that money.

I try to be a nice person about it and have got him a new paid of shoes as an early birthday present recently even though I had earmarked that money for some shoes myself. I just can't see who's right it wrong anymore.

Please be nice.

By doing a % you both realistically have a fair amount left each month for 'you' too

By doing a % you could end up with one rich spouse and one poor spouse.

Many people don't want that.

Although the OP's husband doesn't appear to be one of them.

All points taken. I will have a chat tonight with him and say that we need to change our banking situation so I don't see his finances and I will stay out of his and not remind him he doesn't have much left. I will find it hard to trust him with this as I know it will mean he will just buy what he wants and get overdrawn whereas I sacrifice to be able to have nights /days out and clothes so I am not overdrawn. An overdraft is a debt and he's getting us into unnecessary debt.

I will also talk about petrol coming out of the joint money too which will hopefully free up some extra cash for both of us.

I may be called controlling and inflexible but seeing as I am compromising on those two things I don't want to start getting clothes out of the joint income though. His work clothes are also worn outside of work and visa versa so these lines are blurred. Yes, it is a necessity but I feel they should be paid for out our own money otherwise the joint money will be gone if we both start dipping into it.

Even once I be done this I feel he will still moan at he that he can't afford clothes etc and doesn't get enough money. That's going to be the problem even if I don't see what's in his account anymore. He blames it entirely on me and I feel he is unable to take responsibility for his own spending. It's always someone else's fault.

Interesting point about the car but won't work . It's £240 a month. There's no way he would pay that out his own money. I do feel resentful that we are paying that info every month for a car I didn't want when we could have done so many other things on the house.

Childcare is coming out the joint account.

Our joint account is for joint expenses: childcare, mortgage, bills, insurance, holidays (sort of).
Own accounts: salary paid in there and then we have a set amount that goes into joint account as standing order. It's enough to cover all the bills and a few extra hundred.
I pay less in as I'm working part time (my 2 days at home mean we don't pay 2 days childcare from joint account).

H pays for the car expenses - he uses it for work and gets mileage. Petrol insurance and payments come from there.

I pay for pretty much all the kids expenses bar childcare. But then I get child benefit.

I also pay a bit more for holidays as h pays the car expenses. And I buy big monthly shopping, we share the top up.

We both have some savings and both seem to be ok.

If h wanted money out the joint account to buy clothes for himself then I'd expect to wear them too seeing as they are "joint".

In your case OP, I'd not agree to buying clothes or petrol put the joint a/c. Unless you put more in to cover the joint savings (that will be spent on a joint expense like boiler or decking)

Bath time- if I did that I wouldn't even have £250 a month to play with, which I think is low anyway. I am actually ok with having less money than him as it means we save more in the joint account and I feel it's enough for me to get what I want/need. I don't need anymore really like he does.

I will also talk about petrol coming out of the joint money too which will hopefully free up some extra cash for both of us.

How?

Taking it out of a different pot doesn't free up anything.

By doing a % you both realistically have a fair amount left each month for 'you' too.

I am another person who has never been able to agree with this suggestion, despite it being brought up repeatedly. I really don't get it.

If you want to actually be fair, make sure both people end up with 50% of the leftover money each month, and make sure that all expenses that are essential and/or joint, e.g. household items, expenses to do with getting people to work, etc. come out of joint money.

Discussions as to what can be essential or not (or what £ amount can be viewed as essential for a needed item, with the person wanting a more expensive version potentially contributing the difference if they can't convince the other person) can be had at any time, but you need a rough idea to start with to avoid resentment.

And seriously, cleoteacher, stop boosting the savings with your personal spending money. He already gets more than you, it's ridiculous. If he's happy to use the savings for holidays and a boiler, he's never going to learn that he needs to contribute equally if you just martyr yourself.

Save up your leftover money in your own account. You might need it if/when you leave this selfish, immature twat.

We won't do the salary situation which people are suggesting. It would be very unfair.

I want blinds, wardrobe etc more than husband so feel if I want to get it faster I need to save from my own money too. I don't do it every month in just try to.

By free up some money I mean he will have money to buy clothes etc out his own money if petrol comes out the joint instead. It is putting more pressure on our joint money though. We were saving £1,000 a month which was hard going when I was on SMP so I feel if we can manage that we should At least message £300. I am reluctant to lower that amount but with all these new things coming out our joint account it will be under more pressure.

You do sound very controlling with the money.
Why should clothes come from his personal spends account?
Clothing is a necessity, not a frivolity.

YABU

Sorry for typos. Husband also argues with his earnings and a low mortgage, which we are lucky to have, we should have more extra money. Another part of his argument.

I admit I can't get my head round the fact he doesn't want to change curtains we inherited when we moved and horrible mix and match carpets we have upstairs or a rubbish, broken wardrobe we have in our section or have nice pictures for the walls and second hand furniture which doesn't match and we've had for 10 years , rather than fritting away money on work lunches and Tvs. I asked him if he wants to have a nice home he says he's not bothered. I just can't see why he wouldn't want that.

Pre dcs we spent our money on holidays, meals out etc and neglected the house as neither of us were bothered. Now I want to save and spend our money on nice things which are our taste on the house. He doesn't.

We won't do the salary situation which people are suggesting. It would be very unfair.
Which one? A variety of approaches have been mentioned.

I want blinds, wardrobe etc more than husband so feel if I want to get it faster I need to save from my own money too. I don't do it every month in just try to.
It doesn't matter, they're necessary in your house. This is just his way of getting you to bear more of the cost so he can spend more on the actually fun stuff, you realise? And he's still starting out with more to do that with in the first place.

By free up some money I mean he will have money to buy clothes etc out his own money if petrol comes out the joint instead. It is putting more pressure on our joint money though.

I may be reading it wrong but I assumed people were suggesting you reduce your 'fun' amounts (or just his - one way to even it up with an reason he might be able to swallow) accordingly, so there's enough extra in the joint to cover the petrol. The result would be psychological only - i.e. he doesn't have to feel that he's using his fun money on petrol each month. If you don't have it in the first place it feels like less of a loss.

I admit I can't get my head round the fact he doesn't want to change curtains we inherited when we moved and horrible mix and match carpets we have upstairs or a rubbish, broken wardrobe we have in our section or have nice pictures for the walls and second hand furniture which doesn't match and we've had for 10 years , rather than fritting away money on work lunches and Tvs.

It's because he knows you'll cover the cost for him anyway...

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Doesn't sound like you have much in common or many shared goals?

He doesn't want to change things together because he knows if he procrastinates over it long enough, you'll pay for it anyway!

Why are you using your fun money to top-up the joint savings account?

We share all costs as I earn little at the mo, having not earned for 5 yrs. Fuel is a joint account cost, and likewise I look ahead at the month and work out what expenses we have above the standard. So, birthdays, planned meals/drinks out, necessary clothes (I would count work trousers and shoes without holes as necessary, so they would come out of joint) for any of us...for example I needed new jeans as my old ones fell apart so they were a joint expense, as were some warm boots for work, DH needed a new shirt. The clothes that would come out of fun money are those that are bought for fun, that aren't needed just wanted. If either of us do any clubs, or have work parties planned they come out of joint account. We then just have a small amount of 'pocket money', in the region of £50 per month for frivolities...coffees when out, the odd CD etc.

We save a set amount for CHristmas, another for misc, another for holiday the following year and then a chunk towards a mortgage overpayment.

Ah ok it becomes a bit clearer.

I hate spending money on the house. I'm perfectly happy with curtains that keep the light out even if they're not the latest shade. Ditto carpets provided they're not threadbare.

Saving money so that you have a bit of a buffer is a good plan. Saving money so you can spend it on things round the house is not intrinsically better than spending it on a new car.

Anyway you clearly have very different ideas about savings. I'd compromise on the household furnishings, but expect him to keep buying his clothes out of his money.

You seem to resent everything he buys. Why should he not have the car he wants when he's the one earning to pay for it.

Clothes are necessary, not a fun item if for work. Does it really matter which pot they come from? Most of the money seems to be his salary anyway.

You could always do more work or return to an employer if you want more to spend on blinds and to save.

Yes Autumn, because those kiddiwinks just look after themselves don't they .

I would argue replacing perfectly useful curtains with new ones is wasteful though. It's all relative isn't it?
It sounds sensible if you just each keep most of your own money and split the bills

The problem is if you are married and if you split up on divorce debts even in his name just like any mortgage are taken off the joint assets in working out what to divide so it does have an impact if he is over drawn and you have savings as he gets some of the savings on divorce despite having personal debts.

"Only an absolute baby would think it reasonable to go into their overdraft so they could go for a pint. How ridiculous."

Really? This is a man who earns a few thousand a month, yet 'isn't allowed' to go for a pint.

Only an absolute baby would think it reasonable to go into their overdraft so they could go for a pint. How ridiculous.

Correct, because it normal circumstances he should be able to take £20 out of the joint account for a one off.

SmillasSenseOfSnow you don't know that it is because he expects OP to cover the cost. Lots of people would prefer to spend their money on clothes, going out etc than replacing furniture or pictures for the wall and OP's DH is probably one of those people.

rookiemere OP hasn't suggested that the children are being deprived of anything unless you think not having nice pictures on the wall and new furniture is deprivation.

It does sound a wee bit like you think that what you want to spend money on is worthy, what he wants isn't. New curtains etc are not a necessity, so if you want them, save until you get there. You can't 'give' him spending money then tell him he should save it.

Huh Marymary - I don't think I have suggested that the DCs are deprived anywhere have I?

I actually agree with what you've said that DH is one of those people that would rather go out than replace furniture. On that point, if no other, I tend to empathise with him .

It's because he knows you'll cover the cost for him anyway...

Yep, Smillas has it.

And because shit carpets bother him leas when he's sitting in his swish new car. Who gives a shit if his children are rolling round on filthy carpets, so long as he's happy.