Husband and I constantly argue about money and have totally different views. I can't work out who is being unreasonable?

[cleoteacher]

We have totally different attitudes to money. I don't know how to solve it and we have had another blazing row. I just don't know who is right or wrong anymore.

Basically he had a text from his mate to go out for drinks. He wanted to go but I reminded him he is low in his account. This leads to him ranting at me that it's my fault he can't go and I am dictating how he's spending his money and he earns x amount and only gets x amount of this. He's very mine, mine, mine in my opinion.

He then argues it's my fault because I got him a pair of trousers out of his account, which were less than half price. He argues these should have come out of the joint account and he didn't want me to get them for him. However , I thought I was doing something nice as the previous night he came home complaining that he urgently needed new trousers for work. I asked him twice before I brought them online if he wanted them and he said he did but is now saying he didn't want to upset me by saying no.

He then argued he should get it out the joint account as I had. £150 recently from a £450 tax rebate into my own account and the rest into savings and he had paid £1,000 bonus into the savings account recently out of a £2,000 bonus. The other £1,000 went towards the deposit on a car I didn't want.

He says I micro manage his money and constantly blames me for the fact he can't have nights out or new clothes. But he gets a set amount of money every month and chooses to spend it on other stuff so doesn't have the money for these things. He wants to get overdrawn to buy these things but I don't want to get overdrawn after spending years in our overdrafts and have worked bloody hard to get out of it. I know he's only talking about £10 or so snd he says he would make it up the following month but I feel like he wouldn't, he's very reckless with money. Plus I get half the amount he gets and I manage to buy clothes etc with that money without going overdrawn so feel while I work really hard to manage my money so should he. He's not willing to sacrifice one thing for something else like I am.

I want to save and feel we should underspend in our own accounts and use this to put into extra savings which he doesn't want to do as he doesn't care about any of the things I want to save for. Yet he wants a weeks holiday abroad next year and likes a warm house now we have a new boiler, all of which we only have due to my careful management of money.

So I get his point about being too controlling with the money but I feel I have to be of we would never have the savings. I don't dictate what he spends his money on I just ask him to stick to a certain amount which he says he can't do and should have more as he earns x amount plans only sees a small amount of that money.

I try to be a nice person about it and have got him a new paid of shoes as an early birthday present recently even though I had earmarked that money for some shoes myself. I just can't see who's right it wrong anymore.

Please be nice.

Your post struck a chord OP - I'm in a similar situation with DH, he's the spender, I'm the saver, except he earns a lot more than me as he's a contractor and a few years ago I went down a grade at work as I genuinely couldn't manage doing all household logistics as well as trying to cram a senior responsible job into p/t hours.

We have a similar set up in that most money goes into joint, and we each get sole spending money which is meant to cover discretionary spends such as work lunches, clothes, gym etc.

Like your DH, DH has expensive tastes in cars - recently had to raid my savings because he felt he deserved a new to him car - fine as he'd had his existing one for 4 years, but not so fine as he'd decided to treat himself to a sports car a couple of years ago that eats money.

He also likes to get things done round the house and - in my cautious mind - doesn't really work out how we're going to pay for it.

My one extravagance is holidays - I like us to have nice holidays, which he occasionally tries to cut back or reign in. Well fine then we can cut back on the car costs instead.

I suppose the key difference is that DH is not overdrawn and we do get equal spending money (although petrol and car expenses come from joint- even for the money draining mid-life-crisis sports car). Also he doesn't ever say horrible things like I earn more so I deserve more. We have discussed if I should step back up at work but as DS is a real home bird, we both think he'd be unhappy if he was at afterschool 5 days a week so have decided jointly as a family that it's not an option at the minute.

I try not to worry about it too much. Once DS is at secondary school, I'm going to up my hours and probably go contracting myself so I can earn more dosh and then I'm going to put most of that into a pension so it can't be touched.

I'd try to take a step back on this one. I wouldn't have mentioned anything about him going overdrawn - actually I don't know how much DH has in his sole account - apart from when he tells me he has loads as he has nothing to spend his money on (yes he could try paying for the 3rd unnecessary car from there but yadda, yadda, yadda). Also whilst you're on mat leave is maybe not the time to save.

Pensions are probably a good way to put money away -that way it helps you and him focus on what you're presumably saving for - a secure future and might help him understand why it's important. Anyone relying purely on the state is going to have a very unhappy old age.

It is a pain in the butt having a spendthrift partner - my only crumb of joy at the minute is that now he's bought a car, he won't be discussing buying another one for ooh at least 2 years and at least he's acknowledged the need for savings and has now started a monthly savings plan from the joint account for one.

You sound very incompatible with regard to money. The only way you are going to get a long is if you have joint account for household expenses and then totally separate personal accounts. You shouldn't be checking what money he has in his account, or commenting on it and definitely do not touch any of the money.

You need to both agree on how much is to go into savings. That will involve compromise on both your parts as you will want to add more and he will want to add less. Neither of you are right or wrong. You need to meet in the middle. Once you have a agreed on the amount to save you should not ask or expect him to add extra as it should be up to him to spend/save from his personal account as he pleases. Likewise he should not expect to take money from the savings to pay off an overdraft etc.

Ok. I have admitted I probably micro manage the money. As I said I feel I have to otherwise we would never have savings to do all the things we want to or to spend on the household items. Husband is happy to go on holiday or have a new boiler out of these savings but I feel he doesn't want to put the hard work in or sacrifice to get them. Whereas I do. I guess I be been trying to make him and I need to step back. He totally contradicts himself though as every now and again he says how screwed we d be if he lost his job and wants a few thousand in savings incase that happens. I agree but then he carries on spending in his own account so we will never get that savings.

I ve kind of fallen into this role as we got ripped off and fell into a big amount of debt which we needed to pay off quickly before my maternity pay ran out. I hate being in debt and found it very stressful but we had to pay £1,000 towards it a month. It was stressful but I felt so pleased once we had paid it all off a couple of months ago. I guess I wanted to carry on the savings, although not that much, as it's the first time we ve really had access money to save.

I take points about shoes And clothes and won't do that again in future. People are missing my point though. He complained that he needed new shoes and was planning on spending birthday money/vouchers on them anyway. I thought I was being nice by suggesting he have a look online and I would buy them out of MY money as his early birthday present, so he got them immediately rather than going around with leaking shoes until his birthday.

Well we ve decided we will both get petrol money out the joint account from now on so that will free up some money for him and hopefully he will have extra money for clothes etc. he sees it as a compromise but I see it as me having compromised and him having more money but in a more roundabout way.

We did agree on the few hundred for savings a whole ago and now as soon as he's paid that goes into the savings account. I guess I wanted extra too. I often put extra into the savings from my own account if I have any left and want him to do the same. He doesn't want to so I guess I need to decide to just accept that and continue to do it out my money if I want to. I do worry we won't have the few hundred to save now we are getting petrol out of the joint too. I also try and keep this with left over money at the end of the month so we can put more money into savings on top of the £300.

So far I feel lots of compromise on my part and none on his which I feel is the story of our whole relationship.

Great, maybe that will just ease things a bit cleo and make all the difference. Perhaps you were being just a bit over ambitious on the saving/ spending balance previously?

Ok. I have admitted I probably micro manage the money. As I said I feel I have to otherwise we would never have savings to do all the things we want to or to spend on the household items. Husband is happy to go on holiday or have a new boiler out of these savings but I feel he doesn't want to put the hard work in or sacrifice to get them. Whereas I do. I guess I be been trying to make him and I need to step back. He totally contradicts himself though as every now and again he says how screwed we d be if he lost his job and wants a few thousand in savings incase that happens. I agree but then he carries on spending in his own account so we will never get that savings.

You need to agree on the amount that should go into savings before putting money into the personal accounts though. As I said you will want to put more in and he will want to put less in so you need to compromise. If there isn't really enough money to do that at the moment without really scrimping because you are on maternity leave then wait until you are earning again. Be realistic.

Don't put a penny of your money into joint savings.

Save it in your own name and make sure he can't touch it.

He is not contradicting himself at all. He wants savings at your expense.

He thinks you should save money, and he should spend money.

Because he's more important than you. Or the children.

To be going into your overdraft to pay for beer when you have no savings to cushion you in the event of redundancy is a ridiculous way to conduct yourself when you have a family to support.

When did men stop being men?

Neither of my grandfathers thought the money they earned was for them to spend on booze while their wife worried about making savings.

But...you don't let him spend his money as he chooses.

We have agreed to put a certain amount into savings each month. I try and put more in on top of that at the end of the month from our joint money and my own money and have been wanting him to try and do the same out of his own money but he doesn't care about what we are saving for so doesn't want to. I will stop that expectation.

However, the problem is he wants more money and he wants it out our joint money. He wants clothes from our joint money not the fun money we have decided each of us get and that is the problem.

I don't see how a compromise can be reached on that. Well hopefully getting petrol from the joint money rather than our own will free up some money for him so he can but clothes etc out his own money and make the problem solve itself.

I worry we won't be able to save the few hundred a month now and that's important to me. Plus we have to start paying the car off in jan so will have even less. My wage will pretty much be Eaten up by childcare costs for the next 18 months to 2 years anyway.

To be going into your overdraft to pay for beer when you have no savings to cushion you in the event of redundancy is a ridiculous way to conduct yourself when you have a family to support.

They are saving though. OP would like to save more and he would like to save less. Neither is right or wrong.

Bath time- harsh and no I don't think husband is that bad. He doesn't want me to save only out of my money while he spends reguardless. He just doesn't want to save like I do.

He asked me why I want him to save and I said exactly that. We are responsible for two children. I don't want to be in debt. Once we have everything for the house I want to create that safety net incase we get in trouble. I want to be responsible and spend what we have and unfortunately we don't have so much money that we don't need to sacrifice to get that. By sacrifice though I don't mean completely penny pinch. I don't want to save at the expense of having fun. We have quite a few social things/ days out etc this month. I am not completely penny pinching I just think we can do both. He wants the high life.

You are unreasonable of you to expect him to put more money into savings than agreed. He is unreasonable to expect money to be taken out of savings/joint account to spend on clothes if it has been agreed that clothes come from personal account.

A compromise can be reached if you meet in the middle. You are going to have to accept less joint savings than you would like and he is going to have to save more than he would like. It may be important to you to save a few hundred a month but it isn't important to him or a lot of other people. You can't force him to feel the way you feel.

Using my money plus the savings from the joint account is the only way we will be able to get the household things we need/ want. I don't see the point in putting money into my own savings account rather than the joint one when I will only use it to spend on these household items anyway. I am not going to use my own savings for something for me individually it will be for household things.

Why wouldn't you save a bit of your own money to spend in yourself?

The fact that your DH doesn't want to do this doesn't make him unreasonable. If you want to be all self-abnegating that's your call but I don't think it's ok to police his spending just because he hasn't signed up to your sackcloth and ashes mindset.

Your DH is old enough to buy his own trousers

You are mothering him, and he starts acting like a stroppy teen

Is that really how you want to live?

Let him figure out choice of trousers/beer by himself

However, the problem is he wants more money and he wants it out our joint money. He wants clothes from our joint money not the fun money we have decided each of us get and that is the problem.

Clothes should come from personal money. Joint money should only be spent on joint things. However, it may be that you need more personal money and less joint savings to do this.

Using my money plus the savings from the joint account is the only way we will be able to get the household things we need/ want only if you want them quicker, you're saving £300 a month already, this is a lot more than most families.
the compromise may have to be reducing that to £250 a month so you each have £25 a month more for 'fun'
yes you still are saving, just not at the rate that you want.
All of your posts scream i want to do this not we

Have only read OPs posts.
I sympathise a bit, because my DH is like this. Works very hard, earns a lot, feels entitled to buy whatever he wants. However, buying him trousers out of his own account isn't being nice, it's being controlling. It sounds like he needs no encouragement to spend money, so let him get his own trousers. It's also a bit much to tell him to not go out for a drink because he can't afford it. If he wants to go slightly overdrawn to go to the pub, that is his business, it's not a big deal.
Your personal spending is unfair. You should both get the same I think.

Personally, I wouldn't try to save from my personal spending account. We only save from the joint account, the amount is agreed and the savings are made by direct debit. Trying to make sure something is left over each month in my personal account kind of defeats the point of having some fun money.

Your language speaks volumes

"Allow him to spend"

How much do you have in savings? Obviously you don't have to say but if it's ££££ and you won't "allow" him a tenner for a drink, I would be annoyed in his shoes.

To me you sound very inflexible. Probably he is too, and you both have valid points but you're both entrenched in these positions and don't actually want to compromise. Sometimes it's not the compromises themselves that destroy relationships, it's how you arrive at these compromises.

I'll be honest, relationships shouldn't be this hard work. They are meant to enhance your life. Do you really want to live like this? If you both won't, or can't, change - this is what it will be like for the rest of your lives.

And, my goodness, you have more income and "fun" money than DH and I could ever dream of. You are both very very fortunate and you seem to have lost sight of that. It's not bringing you any happiness really is it?

Stop mothering him!
Give him control of "his" money (Tatars obv how he sees it!) and let him get in a bloody mess.

The two main things I think you both have to agree on are -

• you need to accept that if he doesn't want to save any of his "fun" money he doesn't have to. Its his money to do with as he likes.

• he has to accept that his clothes are not a joint expense and shouldn't come out of the joint account.

If you could both give a bit of ground and agree that it might go some to making life easier. I do think you seem to have become a bit obsessed about saving every possible penny. While I understand the buzz saving can give you it can become a pretty miserable life focussing on that to the exclusion of everything else. You already save a significant amount each month - more than most of the population I bet. Relax and enjoy that.

No I don't want to live like this hence the thread. No I don't want to mother him but feel if I didn't control our finances we would just spend, spend, spend like we used to.

I can see further arguments down the line though. For instance he wants all nice things for the house, pictures, carpets etc when it suits him. We were thinking of getting the garden done this year and he straight online looking at posh decking etc but when we argue about actually saving towards this suddenly he's not bothered. We could be out and see a lovely picture for the house which he wants for the house. We might get this but then have less money for something else. That's fine as I dong want to take away our ability to buy something we like and we have the money within reason to do this but he won't then be willing to cut back and save to replace that money spend on said picture. He likes the idea of all this new household things and goes online and looks for it all and designs a whole new garden but isn't willing to put in the effort to actually save to get it. I find this extremely frustrating.

Next time he wants to buy something out the blue I don't know how to respond without a big argument starting.

Op why do you keep saying you won't have much left after childcare, that is a joint expensive that dh needs to contribute to.

If you have agreed an amount to put in savings, then an amount you have each then what you each do with that is your own business. If you save from your amount I agree put it in your own account. You can't make him save more.

I think given past history re overedrafts op is being rightly cautious but has fallen into an unhealthy dynamic, they both have.

The car finances comes out the joint account but petrol out his own. We did need a new car just not a brand new one. I think it was his way of rebelling as he was like I wanted to make a financial decision as you make them all

Here's how I think the car should be handled: pay him a mileage allowance (at official HMRC rates) for commuting and any family journeys out of the joint account. However all actual costs (of both buying the car and fuel) should be paid by him out of his personal allowance. To the extent the car is unnecessarily expensive, the mileage allowance won't cover his costs, and that's fair. If he had chosen to be very frugal, he might have been able to make a small profit for himself out of the allowance.