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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to the school about my dds part in the Christmas play?

136 replies

amitho · 04/11/2015 12:58

Dd is at a lovely primary school, she's really happy there and thriving.

She's in year 5 and the ultimate tomboy. Lives in sports kit and jeans, loves football, being outside etc. She really has no interest in stereotypical girls things (ie the crap that shops sell with glitter and pink etc).

The parts for the xmas play have been given out and she has been cast as the leader of a girls hen night. Apparently they are asking if there is any room at the inn. She has to dance down the aisle to some pop song with a group of smaller girls.

She was really unsure at first but, although I though privately it sounded stupid, I tried to encourage her to do it.

Yesterday a lovely mum to one of the other 'hens' asked me and dd if we should get together and get pink deelyboppers and a pink feather boa

Shock

dd almost had a panic attack. She would NOT wear that it would make her upset and uncomfortable.

I am now feeling a bit pissed off that they would even cast her as this part - she'd have been delighted about being an innkeeper or a villager or something fairly innocuous.

The teacher in charge has form for making some, er, strange casting decisions - once casting a very chubby girl as an elephant for example.

I am not really sure what to do. DD is happy to wear a high pony tail and a skirt and that is the extent of it. The skirt won't be pink and she won't really go with the other 'hens'

OP posts:
iamaboveandBeyond · 04/11/2015 14:56

I dont think yabu actually. To imagine it in the issue of the moment, to purposely dress a 'tomboy' in frills and sparkles seems a bit too similar to casting a trans-girl as a male part and going "oh its only acting, dont be so precious".
And i dont think there are many who would think that is okay?

She has her ideas of who she is, it is not acceptable to force her to be different, even if its 'only acting'. Acting in the school nativity is not compulsory

GloopyGhoul · 04/11/2015 15:14

Send her in a suit, with a campaign manager, some placards, and a rosette. She is leader of the HEN party: Horribly Exaggerated Nativity.

chumbler · 04/11/2015 15:18

Yanbu. Your daughter needs to be happy that's your number one priority. She's the lead hen so could wear whatever, maybe a sash? Let her pick something she's comfortable in. She doesn't have to match the others completely as she's the lead, maybe they could all just wear the same headband or whatever so that they're co ordinated

chumbler · 04/11/2015 15:18

Love gloopy's idea

GoblinLittleOwl · 04/11/2015 15:19

Please do not interfere. I remember the feminist mother whose daughter was cast as a snowflake; she insisted that she was dressed as a snowman, and I can see the child's face now as she watched the rest of the girls whirling around in net curtains while she stood there in a bowler hat with an orange nose and a moustache drawn over her pretty face.
Grown up, she has a very good job in a man's world, but does sparkle and glitter with the best of them. (girls, obviously).

pearpotter · 04/11/2015 15:37

Sounds like a revolting idea for the Nativity. A hen party? That's a really adult theme. Just weird. How is it remotely appropriate or relevant?

I would have a word with the school about the theme, personally! Costumes usually allow a bit of scope though, she doesn't have to go with what the other parents are doing for their DCs costumes.

blobbityblob · 04/11/2015 15:44

I wouldn't interfere and I have a dd who's similarly not one to wear dresses.

What I'm finding is that there are numerous situations in life where she has to go out of her comfort zone and actually it's not such a bad thing.

I wouldn't force her to match but just wear something appropriate she can handle. High pony tail and skirt will be fine.

cardibach · 04/11/2015 15:59

I think a lot of you are overthinking the 'hen party' thing. They aren't a particularly new phenomenon - I had one for my wedding in the early 90s. They Rent all hard drinking and strippers, either. I have been to loads and have never encountered any if that, though obviously it does go on.

I think the teacher is just thinking 'group of girls having fun together' not anything adult and inappropriate. Whatever she wears, it's just a costume. If she's popular everyone knows what she is really like and will laugh with her at the ridiculousness of her being all sparkly. Nobody will think it is how she really is. However, as others have said, the teacher hasn't even said feather boas etc...

Iken · 04/11/2015 16:12

My son has been "mum", a princess and a fairy light at his boys school. He is not like any of the above :-) It is acting!

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 04/11/2015 16:17

I'd be a bit pissed off at the shite play they've chosen.

As for the hen night bollocks, I've never been on one where anything other than jeans and a top has been worn, so I'd just let her choose something she has already that she enjoys wearing. If they try to get arsey with you, you can just point out that only a sexist dick would make somebody wear something 'appropriate' for a hen night, because appropriate is very much in the control of the person getting dressed.

Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 16:23

I made the comment about the 'new phenomenon' meaning that they have only existed in recent decades, whereas the Nativity story is 2015 years old. It's a religious story and should be treated with some respect. Introducing extra animals or villagers to allow all children to be included is fine. But to my mind, introducing a hen night is unnecessary and inappropriate. I wouldn't make a big issue of it, but I would certainly think the teacher should know better.

Shakey15000 · 04/11/2015 16:31

It's simple really. Either-

A. She and you gets her head around the fact that it's acting and the costume reflects the character. Whether that is the polar opposite is neither here nor there. It's (rightly or wrongly) been decided that a hen party be included. Not my bag but then it's not my production and they're free to include whatever.

or

B. She refuses to take the part. And if there isn't another character she's offered the that's that.

MammaTJ · 04/11/2015 16:44

You and parents like you are the reason my DS's teacher decided she needed to have a word with me about casting DS in the role she had.

He has a droopy eyelid. He is also a very confident young lad in general (although not about really physical stuff) so was first to volunteer to do the Narrator/Christmas detective. Thing is, his role involved using a spy glass and she was worried I would think it was because of his eye. I never really would have thought anything of it. She spoke to reassure me that it was because he shot his hand up and then spoke very clearly and confidently when reading for the role.

KurriKurri · 04/11/2015 16:57

The Hen night/Nativity overlap completely escapes me.

But from your post it seems the pink feathery suggestions have come from another Mum, - how much leeway is there on costumes? I've seen groups of hen nighters out wearing onesies - maybe your DD would wear something like that. If it's 'do your own hen night costume' then I think you are free to find something your DD is comfortable in.

And actually - having had to arrange a nativity in the past, as long as a costume was roughly OK, I would far rather the kids were happy in what they wear, than on the day have a child who is crying and refusing to go on (you get enough of that through sudden nerves, so you wouldn't invite it with costumes the kids are uncomfortable in).

purpledasies · 04/11/2015 17:06

I'd assume that it must be some sort of modern day version of the nativity story if it has a hen do in it. I don't see how it's disrespectful. An ancient Bethlehem hen do would be very odd Hmm

Bimblywibble · 04/11/2015 17:12

Iam I think that's a bit of a leap, personally.

But then like many people who went to single sex schools or ever saw a brownies or cubs play, I can't get worked up about girls playing boys or vice versa. It IS acting. We did Oliver! at a girls' school and 90% of us were cast as male. And there's usually a girl or three playing kings and shepherds in our mixed infant school.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 04/11/2015 18:03

I think so long as what DD is asked to wear is appropriate and she feels happy in it then it is fine. Most teachers are sane and unprecious about stuff like this and they won't expect a reception child to go on stage in something they feel uncomfortable in.

Hen party is a weird idea but it is just a joke to amuse the parents, the "modern" schools nativities are full of that kind of thing and deffo stray into panto mode.

So, in brief, I wouldn't be campaigning for a recasting but would have a quiet word if the costume requirements will cause DD to be too unhappy to participate.

Ceic · 04/11/2015 18:49

Maybe the script will include lines like:-

"A spa weekend in Bethelem???? I told you all that I wanted to go Thorpe Park!"

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 05/11/2015 11:48

"The school gave her a slip of paper which said you are the leader of the Hen night. You need a party outfit and a sash."

So it wasn't the school who suggested the OP's daughter had to wear anything over the top 'girly' (for want of a better word) in the first place.

"The other mum suggested the deelyboppers etc. I said you get on with it and I will do my best but we might not bother with the boa and deelyboppers."

SOLVED.

Hope your daughter has a fab time doing the play OP!

winterland · 05/11/2015 11:55

Wtf. A hen night in the nativity. Jesus.

Almostfifty · 05/11/2015 12:05

Is there a stag do as well?

What about getting them matching t-shirts, in a different colour that your DD likes? Have you got a spare veil for the Bride?

It's nuts.

Roseforarose · 05/11/2015 12:11

What an awful theme for a Christmas play. The mind boggles. Confused

ASmallHenInItsLateForties · 05/11/2015 12:26

I would stay out of it whilst quietly thinking...a hen do?? Confused

I can remember my dc's Christmas plays. Started off as lovely traditional Christmas themes at infants with me sobbing in to my tissue, but by junior school they'd morphed in to such a confusing mish mash of ideas that no-one had a clue what was going on. It was like watching Saturday Night TV: The Musical.

But I never said anything other that how fab it all was.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/11/2015 12:35

The concept of a hen night is ridiculous but it's acting!

And I have to wonder if you'd care if she was into "pink, sparkly crap".

It's just as ok for girls to like pink as it is for them not to!

yes I get all that but I am allowed to describe my dd any way I want

I'm not sure you do get to, actually given the circumstances.

You can't pitch a fit about her being forced into a pink feather boa and then not care that you're using a term pushing gender stereotypes, can you?

derxa · 05/11/2015 13:06

I have done some weird and wonderful productions but a hen do? Really??
Is it a published script/something the teacher wrote or did the class write it together? I am interested to know.

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