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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To talk to the school about my dds part in the Christmas play?

136 replies

amitho · 04/11/2015 12:58

Dd is at a lovely primary school, she's really happy there and thriving.

She's in year 5 and the ultimate tomboy. Lives in sports kit and jeans, loves football, being outside etc. She really has no interest in stereotypical girls things (ie the crap that shops sell with glitter and pink etc).

The parts for the xmas play have been given out and she has been cast as the leader of a girls hen night. Apparently they are asking if there is any room at the inn. She has to dance down the aisle to some pop song with a group of smaller girls.

She was really unsure at first but, although I though privately it sounded stupid, I tried to encourage her to do it.

Yesterday a lovely mum to one of the other 'hens' asked me and dd if we should get together and get pink deelyboppers and a pink feather boa

dd almost had a panic attack. She would NOT wear that it would make her upset and uncomfortable.

I am now feeling a bit pissed off that they would even cast her as this part - she'd have been delighted about being an innkeeper or a villager or something fairly innocuous.

The teacher in charge has form for making some, er, strange casting decisions - once casting a very chubby girl as an elephant for example.

I am not really sure what to do. DD is happy to wear a high pony tail and a skirt and that is the extent of it. The skirt won't be pink and she won't really go with the other 'hens'

OP posts:

Janeymoo50 · 04/11/2015 13:50

I just think she'll now pick up on your OTT reaction and this will get worse.

molyholy · 04/11/2015 13:52

Asuming they're not getting strippers in for it, or downing shots, I can't really see the problem

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 04/11/2015 13:53

What 'OTT reaction' would that be, Janey? 'Feeling a bit pissed off' and being 'not really sure what to do'? 'Privately thinking it's a bit stupid' but 'encouraging her to do it'?

I don't know why it's OTT to be a bit unsure about your daughter being encouraged/asked to dress up as this particular thing.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 04/11/2015 13:54

Yeah because nobody's ever had to pad out parts for the nativity before so a hen do is the only logical addition. Said nobody ever.

Angels, Shephards, Kings all bulk it out plus if you were desperate I've seen stars, kings and donkeys en masse.

Really no need for a dreadful hen do

purpledasies · 04/11/2015 13:54

Classifying girls who don't do things that girls 'should' do as something other than a girl e.g. a tomboy - just continues the typical girl stereotype ad infinitum

I've never seen a tomboy as anything other than a type of girl. Surely girls are allowed to vary aren't they? Some of them are into things that are culturally seen as very girly, and others aren't. I can't see how you remove gender stereotypes by not allowing girls who don't fit them a way of describing the sort of girl they are.

GruntledOne · 04/11/2015 14:00

But why does hen party-attendant necessarily equate to a girl wearing a skirt with deely boppers etc? Surely plenty of people go to hen parties in trousers?

trulybadlydeeply · 04/11/2015 14:01

It sounds a weird nativity, but that's by the by.

I really don't think there has to be an issue here. I didn't wear anything remotely pink, or sparkling, or feathered to my hen do! Your daughter, when grown up, will no doubt go to a few hen do's herself, and if she still has the same clothing preference when adult, will no doubt go as she wishes and as she feels comfortable. Why can't she simply be allowed to choose a few bits that she wants to wear, and let all the "hens" show their personalities? They don't all have to dress the same, surely? if they do, get basic t-shirts and write on (with washable pen) "so and so's hen do"!

The other Mum just needs to be made aware that there is no dress code for hen do's, and that to make the point of who the characters are, you do not need to dress your DD in something she feels really uncomfortable with.

Viviennemary · 04/11/2015 14:01

I was going to say get on with it. But reading your post I don't think it's at all appropriate and if your DD doesn't want to do this then she shouldn't have to. And it might be quite offensive to some to do this take on the Christmas story. Awful idiotic idea all round.They wouldn't do that with one of the other major religions. It would a big no-no.

Bimblywibble · 04/11/2015 14:05

It's acting, innit? YABU. What if she'd been cast as the elephant and she didn't want to wear an elephant costume?

BlueJug · 04/11/2015 14:05

I was a "tomboy" in that I loved football and playing outside and wasn't good at sewing and cooking. I wanted to wear trousers not skirts but it was considered unfeminine.

How wonderful when I grew up and was a woman, not a "TomWoman". Still prefer to dress in sloppyjoes, jeans and trainers, still enjoy the company of men but don't have to re-categorize myself as some type of subset of women.

My DD is just a girl - not a Tomboy girl. I wouldn't make a drama about it but it is a mindset that needs changing

rogueantimatter · 04/11/2015 14:06

Putting any principles aside, would it set a precedent for other children to ask to change roles? How long have they been rehearsing for? Could she arrange to swap roles with anyone else - thereby affording the teacher no inconvenience?

Could you sell the (admittedly rubbish) idea of the hen party to her as a traditional ritual like the bride being 'given away'.

Bimblywibble · 04/11/2015 14:07

PS it sounds like a dire play. but at least you don't have to make a costume for "Second Lobster".

Original poster

amitho · 04/11/2015 14:08

No, she's very popular with girls and boys so this isn't some sort of teaching experience in disguise.

No offence taken at being given a hard time calling dd a tomboy - I would have agreed a while ago that the description tomboy is a bit dubious.

But honestly its easier for dd

She's very self conscious so the deelyboppers and things just aren't things she'd naturally be comfortable wearing. She likes to blend in with her clothes - hence liking sports kit and uniform, jeans and t-shirts. But I can see a 9 year olds clothes choices aren't a reason for declining a part in a play.

I think we both think the hen night thing is a bit naff. She genuinely loves the Nativity story - we go to church at Christmas and she likes the story - the original story. Most of her friends have parts as teachers in the school so its all a bit odd really.

OP posts:

GreenPotato · 04/11/2015 14:09

Oh god this thread has just reminded me that the nativity is something I am about to be dealing with again! (DC2 just started school)

The teacher sounds like an insensitive idiot. Who would do that? My older child has a classmate similar to your DD and they are so understanding with her, they'd never do this.

It's annoying because it DOES look petty to go in and moan about it, and it sounds as if the teacher won't get it anyway.

I might be trying to chat to a few other parents about it or see if DD can see if anyone in a less OTT role would want to swap with her, then they could ask the teacher.

Or if I happened to be talking to the teacher anyway I might mention the hen night role is stressing her out a bit and she'd love to swap with someone.

Original poster

amitho · 04/11/2015 14:09

I think being a lobster or an elephant would be fine actually! She'd probably be totally happy being an animal of some sort

OP posts:

GreenPotato · 04/11/2015 14:10

I loved that Emma Thompson lobster scene :)

DoreenLethal · 04/11/2015 14:11

I've never seen a tomboy as anything other than a type of girl. Surely girls are allowed to vary aren't they? Some of them are into things that are culturally seen as very girly, and others aren't. I can't see how you remove gender stereotypes by not allowing girls who don't fit them a way of describing the sort of girl they are

Yeah exactly - they are a girl. Not a tomboy. You remove gender stereotypes by just referring to them as 'girls'. You don't have to describe the type of girl they are because there is no type of girl. It's just a girl.

winewolfhowls · 04/11/2015 14:12

Haha at second lobster! Why would there be lobster in bethlehem?

Original poster

amitho · 04/11/2015 14:12

yes I get all that but I am allowed to describe my dd any way I want - mainly because she is my youngest of four girls and believe me I've seen it all!

OP posts:

purpledasies · 04/11/2015 14:14

I don't know blue, it's just that it was a really helpful label for my DD at a time when she was becoming aware that she was a girl (physically), and different from the friends she played most with. I don't see it as a permanent label that needs to stick into adulthood - DD is 12 now and would probably not use the term any more - except when talking about her past, which she does happily. Seems to me to be a way of allowing diversity for girls to be however they like - it's not a term that's generally used as an insult - unlike "you're such a girl" (to a boy) - which I think is a much more worrying insult.

Imogentlasting · 04/11/2015 14:15

would guess there's a hen party in the school nativity play because the teacher's desperately trying to re-write it with roles for 60 people in!

Asuming they're not getting strippers in for it, or downing shots, I can't really see the problem [quote]

Hen parties are, generally, associated with heavy drinking etc. They're also a modern phenomenon.

The Nativity Story is a beautiful and very old tradition which has a strong religious significance for many people.

There are lots of ways to provide extra parts without an inappropriate hen party.

Rivercam · 04/11/2015 14:16

She doesn't have to dress up in a pink and glittery costume. Maybe keep,it simple and get a plain t-shirt and emblazon it with 'chief hen' on it. Maybe as the lead hen, you could influence what the others wear, and get them similar thirst with hen on it.

Original poster

amitho · 04/11/2015 14:16

clinks glasses with purpledaisies

I agree. It can be helpful to have a label. My oldest dd was similar at her age - hard to believe if you saw her now at 17, room full of pink fluffy unicorns make up and clothes!

OP posts:

Bimblywibble · 04/11/2015 14:16

I think you're missing the point amitho. It's acting. The part doesn't define her any more than being second lobster would. She might not identify with the "character" but she can act it. i agree with you that the hen party thing is naff, but I can't get my head round how wearing deeley boppers could be so desperately uncomfortable for her, and such an unreasonable thing to be asked of her, if she is happy to wear an elephant suit or whatever.

purpledasies · 04/11/2015 14:17

there is no type of girl - sporty girls? Shy girls? dainty girls? strong girls? aggressive girls? Aren't these all types of girls?

Can't there be a term for a girl who is most comfortable hanging around with a group of boys?

(appologies to OP for somewhat derailing the thread)

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