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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask your of teenage boyfriends or girlfriends sleeping over?

106 replies

Wednesday4thNovember · 04/11/2015 00:25

It's getting to the stage now where DD wants her DB to sleepover. I'm ok with this relationship and verging on comfortable having him over to sleep but I have younger children and am worried about setting a precedent. I think DC are quite black and white and would see me letting DD1's BF of 7 months sleeping over meaning that their partners of 7 months will be allowed to sleepover. I'd rather judge each relationship by its own merits. How do other MNers deal with this, please?

OP posts:

BackforGood · 08/11/2015 23:26

Shove up on the fuddy duddys bench to make room for me too.
Yes, my 19 yr old's gf now stays over, but an 18/19 yr old is a long way from a 16 yr old. I wouldn't be encouraging any 16 yr old to be having sex, and certainly wouldn't be facilitating it in my house.

Re the 'precedent' I've always explained to my dc that we make a judgement for all of them depending on the circumstances at the time - life changes, circumstances change etc. They understand it's not favouritism or treating dc differently when dc get different options at different ages, it's all sorts of circumstances combined.

ToastyFingers · 09/11/2015 08:33

I'm feeling quite bad for some of the teens mentioned on this thread,
Nearly 10 years down the line, I'm still with the boyfriend my parents allowed to sleep over.

We still adore each other and are expecting our 2nd child together.
It makes me very sad to think my parents could have discouraged our relationship, just to be controlling, or because they had some very out-dated views on sex.

I don't have teenage dc yet, and I am willing to admit I may have to eat my words years down the line, but I don't see what the big deal is, providing both parties are sensible, informed, respectful of each other and over the age of consent.

Ragwort · 09/11/2015 08:47

'providing both parties are sensible, informed, respectful of each other and over the age of consent'.

Let's be honest, a lot of teenagers just aren't sensible, informed and respectful of each other.

It's great that things have worked out so well for you Toasty but I have a couple of close relatives who have made the most awful judgements about 'relationships' which has resulted in unwanted pregnancies, domestic violence and a host of other difficult situations which are still far from being resolved. So for that reason alone I would not encourage my teenage DS to have a sexual relationship under my roof.

And no, I don't want to be seen as that trendy, liberal parent.

Headofthehive55 · 09/11/2015 10:48

Lots of older people are not sensible, informed or respect each other either!

There is a world of difference between a 19 year old and a 16 year old.

Each relationship should be evaluated on its merits...I wouldn't want a one night stand being brought home no matter what ages they are!

Once they are over the age of consent though, do you have the right to judge? The relationship becomes more like flat mates, or having a lodger, a strange thought but do you have any right to a moral opinion on an adult child who is living under your roof any more than if you were to have a lodger?
Especially if they are paying you for board? You can ask them to leave of course...

I don't know!

madwomanacrosstheroad · 09/11/2015 20:02

Fact is that societies that have a liberal attitude towards sexuality, a good level of sex education and freely available contraception tend to be the ones with the lowest teenage pregnancy rates. I would not have felt comfortable with my son as a 16 year old having one night stands in my house. However his girlfriend and he had been together for a good while, both were the same age and given that they were above the age of consent they had a legal right to make their own decisions of who to have sex with or not. Yes I could have not allowed her to stay over but that would have served little purpose.

Ragwort · 09/11/2015 20:19

but that would have served little purpose - depends on what you view as 'purpose' I suppose, personally I would not feel comfortable in my own home knowing that my DS is in the next room having sex - as I said earlier, why should I have to facilitate someone else's sex life, if you have a lodger it is perfectly acceptable to say 'no overnight guests'.

Years ago I used to go back to a boyfriend's house, purely for sex, his mother's bedroom was across the hall and as her light was on I assume she was reading/awake (she was single ) - now as an adult with my own home I cringe at the memory of it. At the time I just assumed it was my 'right' to have a sex life.

putcustardonit · 09/11/2015 20:29

DS was 17 when he first asked if his GF (same age) could stay in his room.
I asked GF if her parents would be happy with it, whether they had made contraceptive choices FGS Mum we're not stupid and asked them to be considerate of other family members.

DH was surprised I was to laid back but I'd rather they were at home in a safe place than shagging in the back of a car.

Headofthehive55 · 10/11/2015 09:21

ragwort when you have adult children they do adult things. It's something you have to get used to, if you allow them to continue to share your space.

lljkk · 10/11/2015 09:54

if you have a lodger it is perfectly acceptable to say 'no overnight guests'.

When I was looking for lodgings this kind of rule was a reason to walk out the door & find a room elsewhere.

Ragwort · 10/11/2015 13:45

if you allow them to continue to share your space - to me that's a very good reason to encourage them to leave home and get their 'own space' as most of us had to .......yes, I know it's tougher these days but I would hope my DS wants to leave home and get somewhere of his own or with his mates rather than staying living at home.

My parents always made it perfectly clear that boyfriends sleeping over (in shared room) were not acceptable - it hasn't affected our relationship at all and I absolutely respect their right to have that 'rule'. They turned a blind eye when they arrived home unexpectedly once whilst I was 'entertaining' .

welliesandleaves · 10/11/2015 13:50

Any room for me on the fuddy duddy's bench?

"The pendulum has swung too far" always jumps out at me when I read these threads.

wickedwaterwitch · 10/11/2015 13:54

I'm fine with 18yo ds's girlfriend staying over and I was when he was 17 too. I've only read your OP but I would allow it. We have a younger child (she's 11) and I don't see the issue with it.

wickedwaterwitch · 10/11/2015 14:02

and the people who say they can have it else where, well, they will. Park bench, car, somewhere, they'll find it. At least you know they're safe at home. Stopping them staying over doesn't stop them having sex.

Headofthehive55 · 10/11/2015 14:10

But things are slightly more difficult now to move out. Ways of living have also altered too, lots of people have children without any expectation or interest in marriage. At what point would you allow it? Never? When they had a gf with children? How about if you are a student and have half moved out? What about if they have moved out and want to visit with gf?

My parents too wanted my DH and me to sleep in separate rooms in their house before marriage, but I always thought it was a bit silly. When they came to stay at our house of course it was different as we refused to play that game.

I think my DH had the best retort to his parents wanting to do the same. He said to them he wouldn't be visiting again unless I was to Stay with him He meant every word. Needless to say his mother missed him before he missed his mum and we were able to visit, together.

2rebecca · 10/11/2015 14:26

Old fuddy duddy's bench for me too. Not until over 18.
It doesn't stop them having sex but I'm not going to make it easy for them plus I don't want more folk hanging round the house on an evening/ morning. They can go home.
When they go off to uni they can do what they want.
I'm not running a youth hostel.

EBearhug · 10/11/2015 14:30

One of my friends wasn't allowed to share a bed at her parents', even once she and her boyfriend had bought a house together.

vienna1981 · 10/11/2015 14:32

All these parents denying their offspring and parners the sharing of a bed because they might have sex. Goodness me ! I was open minded at first but the more I come across this attitude the more I'm inclined to label it control freakery.

vienna1981 · 10/11/2015 14:35

And another thing. Heaven forbid they should be caught holding hands or sharing a kiss. I picture mass parental swooning .

2rebecca · 10/11/2015 14:43

When they are at partner stage it's fair enough but to me a partner is someone you live with, not a boyfriend of a 16 year old.
I'm allowed to be a control freak in my house. I wouldn't want anyone staying overnight on a regular basis.
Other parents can do what they want I don't care.

Headofthehive55 · 10/11/2015 14:48

Yes they go off to uni but...they come back! For long periods! What then?

vienna1981 · 10/11/2015 14:51

I'm using the word 'partner' in lieu of 'boyfriend/girlfriend'. Same meaning and less clumsy.

It's like the thought of someone other than the householder having sex is taboo. Evidently some folk are deeply uncomfortable with this premise.

2rebecca · 10/11/2015 15:31

I'm not in favour of teenage pregnancies and studies show the earlier you start having regular sex the earlier you get pregnant.
Once they are at uni it's different although even then I don't want guests regularly staying at my house.
I can't be bothered with them.
If you like it then you can have them hanging around.
People who are pro allowing teenagers having boyfriends etc staying over on a regular basis seem to think everyone should do the same.

Janeymoo50 · 10/11/2015 15:40

I've already commented but I also really honestly think that 16/17 is still very, very young to be entering into a sexual relationship, they are barely past being children. I know a lot of people will disagree with this, it's just my view. I'm 51 and back in the very early 80's (when I was that age) it would have been quite uncommon in my experience for any of my friends to be sleeping with their bf/gf at that age, it wasn't the done thing in fact it would have been a huge shock. I know times change (sometimes not for the better) but waiting a while is sometimes a good idea and it's not a bad idea to actually encourage some restraint rather than letting under 18's share a bedroom.

Anotherusername1 · 10/11/2015 15:45

I need a space on the fuddy duddy bench too. My ds is only 13 at the moment. I’d be happy for him to have any friends round to stay – male or female, but not in the same bed. And the age of consent is a legal standard, it does not mean by a long way that you’re mature enough to have sex. Some teens will be, but I suspect the majority are not. I was 3 days off my 20th birthday when I lost my virginity (at university) - I’m glad it was the person it was – I’m not sure I would have felt that way about someone I met at 16.

As for “they’ll be doing it anyway” – well actually not necessarily. If you don’t make it easy, they might just stop and think whether it's a good idea. I didn’t have the opportunity until I went to uni and even then I didn’t rush into it (I was in my second year).

ICantSpellNoffink · 10/11/2015 15:47

I think you should do whatever you are comfortable with. It's your house. I have never minded my DC having their partners stay over as long as they are in proper relationships but I wouldn't have a problemnot allowing it if it made me or DH feel uncomfortable.

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