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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your of teenage boyfriends or girlfriends sleeping over?

106 replies

Wednesday4thNovember · 04/11/2015 00:25

It's getting to the stage now where DD wants her DB to sleepover. I'm ok with this relationship and verging on comfortable having him over to sleep but I have younger children and am worried about setting a precedent. I think DC are quite black and white and would see me letting DD1's BF of 7 months sleeping over meaning that their partners of 7 months will be allowed to sleepover. I'd rather judge each relationship by its own merits. How do other MNers deal with this, please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesday4thNovember · 04/11/2015 00:26

Oh yes, to qualify name change. Some RL friends know my usual nickname, and I'd rather they weren't privy to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesday4thNovember · 04/11/2015 00:27

And the word experience is missing from the title.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 04/11/2015 00:30

What sort of teenage? There's quite a difference between 13 and 19, and certainly which side of 16 they are. How much younger are the other children?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/11/2015 00:31

Well I've always been of the mind set that it's better under my roof. Than in a park. If they're going to do it. Trust me I speak from experience that they'll find somewhere to do it. I think that's why I've always been very open with dd.

Original poster
Wednesday4thNovember · 04/11/2015 00:42

She's nearly 17. The younger ones range down to 10.
It's not the sleeping together that's on my mind, lighthouse, I understand your point. It's whether I can be countenancing it in a house where there are younger ones.

OP posts:
Unreasonablebetty · 04/11/2015 00:44

I only have a seven year old, so as a parent I can't comment too much,
But my teenage years aren't that far behind me, my mum never let my boyfriend stay over until I was already pregnant and there was a rule of no sex in her house, which I always thought was quite weird- we were doing it everywhere else anyway!!
I think as long as they remain respectful to you, and the other DCs- ie no loud sex, or staying in bed humping all day then there isn't really a problem is there?

I do know that in Holland they have a very different view to us Brits, they are really quite open with their teens about sex, and allow this kind of sleepover, and they have much, much lower rates of teen pregnancy, so it might be the way to go.

What age is your daughter though? I do wonder, because (whilst it wasn't a concern to me or my parents as a teenager) I wouldn't feel half as comfortable with my DD having a BF stay and possibly be having sex with until the age of consent. I just wouldn't want to be viewed by my child as someone with little regard for the law.

I wish you luck on this subject.., I'll keep following because this is an area I think I would have kittens over when DD is a teen... I'm kind of scared already!!

goes too to start building DDs Ivory tower.....hoping it'll be built in time!!

GreatFuckability · 04/11/2015 00:47

Make it explicit from the word go that you are allowing it because of xyz reasons and that should set a precedent for the future. Should hopefully avoid 'but you let dd1, its not faaaaaair' type scenarios Grin

Unreasonablebetty · 04/11/2015 00:48

X post!!
Ah almost 17!!
It's really wonderful that you haven't had this conversation before now!... I know of many girls who had this conversation with their parents at the 13-14 mark.

Abidewithme3 · 04/11/2015 06:29

Nearly 17 yes of course. We didn't allow one night stands etc under our roof as that's not on but from 16 when ours were in a relationship we allowed boyfriends/girlfriends to stop over.

There are 9/10 years between our older two and younger two so get your point about little ones but as long as all respect the house rules that's fine.

Obviously we wouldn't take kindly to loud bonking, walking around half dressed in the house or snogging in the public areas. Grin

bruffin · 04/11/2015 06:33

Ds gf was allowed to stay over in his room on his 18th birthday. They hsd already gone on holiday by themselves twice abd been going out for 2 years at the time.

Abidewithme3 · 04/11/2015 06:45

Bet he enjoyed that birthday gift! Grin

nmg85 · 04/11/2015 06:51

My parents allowed it from 17 and we were together about 2.5 yrs before that.

Fratelli · 04/11/2015 06:52

At that age let her. Rather her be somewhere safe. I was allowed to stay at my bfs house at 16 but wasn't allowed a boyfriend to stay until he was 18 Confused

HazelBite · 04/11/2015 06:58

My rule was they both had to be over 18 (although that was difficult to enforce) but over 16 was the minimum. and they had to have a lecture about being mindful of the younger siblings and of us.

Oysterbabe · 04/11/2015 07:16

A long way off for be before I have to think about this but growing up my siblings and I were allowed partners to stay over from 16.

ActivelyAnxious · 04/11/2015 07:26

I don't see how it would set a precedent for younger DC. I'm the youngest of 3 and always understood that my siblings got to certain things that I wouldn't be allowed to do until I was their age - be that staying up past a certain time or having a boyfriend / girlfriend over! Unless you think it isn't OK for 17 year olds to share a bed, and don't want your younger DC to think it is, but that's a different question entirely.

DurhamDurham · 04/11/2015 07:38

When my oldest dd wanted her boyfriend to stay over we didn't really know how to handle it, he stayed in the spare room ( well probably not but that was the understanding), by the time my youngest dd was the same age her boyfriend was staying over without us so much as raising an eyebrow. There is a four years age gap between my daughters and I think the older one paved the way for the younger one. There's no right or wrong you just have to do what you feel comfortable with at the time.
At 22 and 18 they have both moved out now, the youngest is at Uni. I miss them and would gladly have them and a crowd of their mates back just for old times sake Smile

scarlets · 04/11/2015 08:06

At nearly 17, and in a stable relationship, it's fine. Same for your younger ones when they're 16+.

JaceLancs · 04/11/2015 08:26

16+ was the rule in my house - and for their to be a reasonable relationship - ie having been together for a few months
DD and I discussed when she was ready and went to GP together to discuss contraception
DS went away to university before embarking on any long term relationships

Sandsnake · 04/11/2015 09:00

I would allow him to stay. My parents allowed my long term BF to stay over when we were 16 as we were both mature and they knew it was a good relationship and that he was respectful of me. We're now married and expecting our first DC on Friday! I did have younger siblings in the house but I don't think that they took him staying as a necessary precedent to being allowed their own partners to stay at a similar age. If anything it might be a good thing for them to see e.g. respectful partner who treats you well = trust from parents.

Onthepigsback · 04/11/2015 14:29

Gosh, I must be an old fuddy Duddy but there is no way a child of mine is having a partner stay in their bed till a lot older than 16! Especially with younger kids in the house. They can and will decide when to lose their virginity but I won't be encouraging it at 16! Playing house and acting like they know what they are doing with a 'serious partner' at that age. I'm all for open and honest but I think it's healthy for kids to know their is a line between their choices and what their parents will support and facilitate as a choice.

PollyPerky · 04/11/2015 14:34

I'd not allow a 16 yr old DD to sleep with her BF of only 7 months under my roof. I am very old fashioned about these things. My own parents didn't allow me and my DH to share a room / bed at their house even when we were 29 and about to get married.

Your DD is presumably going to have lots of BFs before she eventually settles down. Are you happy for every Tom, Dick and Harry to be bonking away under your roof and in earshot of younger siblings?

I think even if she is having sex at 16 with a relatively new BF, I'd still not condone it. If she was 19 and they had been in a relationship for a few years, perhaps. But 16 almost 17 and only known him 7 months- no way.

PollyPerky · 04/11/2015 14:39

Just a quick query OP- are you genuine or are you researching for an article? something seems a bit amiss to me here.

MaidOfStars · 04/11/2015 14:39

I wasn't allowed to have anyone over to stay in my bedroom until right at the very end of my teens, if not into early 20s (I can't quite remember, about that boundary anyway). I think there may have been the odd spare room sleepover before then, but definitely no sneaking across the landing. The first boyfriend whose bed I was allowed to stay in was still "university age", although before my parents allowed us to share.

And I wasn't shagging behind bikesheds either. I managed.

joins the fuddy-duddy bench

PollyPerky · 04/11/2015 14:44

I think you might also want to talk to your DD about the choice she has made to have sex after just 7 months when she was clearly just over the age of consent. I know it's decades ago and yes, things have changed, but in my day (ha) a 'serious' boyfriend was one who'd been around exclusively for a couple of years. I don't know ANY of my peers whose parents allowed sex under their roof whilst their children were still living at home.