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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask your of teenage boyfriends or girlfriends sleeping over?

106 replies

Wednesday4thNovember · 04/11/2015 00:25

It's getting to the stage now where DD wants her DB to sleepover. I'm ok with this relationship and verging on comfortable having him over to sleep but I have younger children and am worried about setting a precedent. I think DC are quite black and white and would see me letting DD1's BF of 7 months sleeping over meaning that their partners of 7 months will be allowed to sleepover. I'd rather judge each relationship by its own merits. How do other MNers deal with this, please?

OP posts:

Senpai · 05/11/2015 02:51

18 is legal adult here in the US, I'd let DD have boyfriends spend the night at this age as she is a fully consenting adult. Before then, maybe if they slept in separate rooms or in the living room where they wouldn't get any privacy or guarantee that no one would walk in. It would heavily depend on the boyfriend and my daughter's maturity level.

My parents never let me and DH spend the night in the same room until we were married. It was mind numbingly petty and controlling. I still resent them a bit for it.

I'm sure there's a nice middle ground between condoning teen sex and being a control freak. I'm just not sure exactly what that is, or how you'd deal with it with your child. DD is only 2 after all.

Oh, and if it makes any difference, me and DH have never had sex in my parents house we also don't stay more than a couple nights at most. It's just too ...icky... to do a guestroom surrounded by their things.

Original poster

Wednesday4thNovember · 05/11/2015 20:04

Thanks again for all the responses, it's really helpful to hear all the different perspectives.

OP posts:

Maryz · 05/11/2015 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helenahandbag · 06/11/2015 10:40

I think though Helen that yours is the kind of experience I was talking about.

Do you maybe wish you'd been in situation where your parents had suggested you'd not had a serious BF at that age? Do you wish they had discouraged it a little? To protect you from the hurt, if nothing else?

I should point out that we got together when I was 17 and he was allowed to stay over after just a couple of months. We stayed together until I was 20.

I'm glad my parents never tried to change my mind, I learned so much from that first relationship. I had previous boyfriends (and girlfriends!) but I've never known heartbreak like when he left, I was in physical pain for months. I think it made me more realistic and less naive about relationships. I'm now 25, more mature and settled than many of my friends and I'm getting married in April.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 06/11/2015 11:05

I allow bf or gf to stay over once they are above age and consent and if it is a reasonable relationship. I also insist that I have had a full and clear discussion about safer sex, contraception etc and reserve the right to continue discussing this quite frequently. I also make a stash of condoms available in a shelf in the bathroom. If they want to they will have sexual relationships and I prefer they do it in the safety and dignity of their home rather than a park or alleyway. Also I prefer they do it safely and without consequences 9 months later. So far it seems to have worked. DS 1 is 22 has had a number of longish term relationships and no pregnancies, DS 2 is 16 and has as yet not voiced an interest or had serious relationships. The DDS are younger but I do believe an open attitude is safest.

vienna1981 · 06/11/2015 13:57

I admit I'm not a parent but I am of the age where I could potentially have teenage children. I genuinely don't understand why some parents are uptight about the thought of their offspring sharing a bed or bedroom or even having sex. Particularly when said individuals are at least of the age of consent. Why is it apparently so difficult and demanding of age limits, lectures and general awkwardness ?

Genuine question folks. I really don't get it.

leedy · 06/11/2015 14:26

I don't think I'm uptight, far from it, I think it's more that while I'm happy for my offspring to talk to me about sex and contraception, and I hope they will (they're still only 5 and 3), I think it's a more uncomfortable step from there to "Hey, 16 year old son, you have a boyfriend/girlfriend! I hope you have a nice place to have sex! Have sex here! I know you're going to do it anyway, so off you go! Here's a condom! I'll be right next door! To you! While you're doing it!", or treating your teenage child's BF/GF of a couple of months exactly as you would your 30 year old child's wife of ten years.

I would have felt exactly the same as a teenager, I think - I didn't want my parents involved at all in my sex life, it felt like part of my growing up and becoming independent (and yes, I was extremely responsible, no unwanted pregnancies etc. - I'm not sure how "if you don't let them have sex in your house they'll get pregnant/get someone pregnant" works). It's kind of like how I felt as a teenager about my parents having sex, but in reverse. :)

DepecheNO · 06/11/2015 14:30

From 16, yes. I had a 10 month relationship at 17 and BF was allowed to stay after we'd been together a couple of months. Not instantly for a one night stand, IYSWIM. Parents tried having us sleep separately but it doesn't really work out and actually raises more questions from younger siblings. Second boyfriend never stayed (only together three months) until we were just mates at about 18. His mum used to let me stay in the guest room, which looking back I think was because she didn't trust him to be subtle and didn't want to hear it, which is fair enough. (Never had sex with either of them, but I appreciate there's more to overhear than the actual sex - raunchy compliments/jokes, bum slapping, inappropriate conversations, etc.)

vienna1981 · 06/11/2015 16:12

Thankyou leedy and Depeche. I was of the impression any uneasiness comes from parents being unwilling to face the fact their children are grown up, or at least well on the way.

claraschu · 06/11/2015 16:26

I don't understand why younger children need to be protected from the idea that 17 year olds might decide to share a bed and/ or have sex with their long term, friendly partner. Younger children are not injured by their family members quietly having sex with someone nice whom they love.

I think that if the BF or GF is friendly, nice to your child, able to get up at a reasonable hour and refrain from inappropriate excessive public displays of affection, they are often pleasant to have around. They want everyone to like them, and have a good affect on your child (who may suddenly start doing dishes, cleaning skid marks, being polite, and going for healthful walks with BF/GF).

If the friend is abusive or controlling that is a different story.

claraschu · 06/11/2015 16:28

sorry that's effect not affect

ProfGrammaticus · 06/11/2015 16:35

I have a sixteen year old son, very open and sensible and with lots of friends of both sexes. I think eighteen. If he asked, I would allow the sleepover but with the GF either in the spare room or "in the spare room". I wouldn't feel comfortable agreeing to them sleeping in the same bed overtly until then.

I don't know why. In reality it doesn't much help to insist on involving the spare room as they'd be much better DTD in there as it has a king size bed whereas DS has a single.

ProfGrammaticus · 06/11/2015 16:36

Actually I think I do know why. Giving them access to the spare room puts much more distance between my room and them, so more comfortable all round I think!

ProfGrammaticus · 06/11/2015 16:38

... and it would be relevant how long they had been together, I think.

I don't think he would shag a girlfriend at this age with me in the house anyway, tbh.

Ragwort · 06/11/2015 16:49

No I wouldn't, I see no reason to 'facilitate' my teenage DS's sex life ............ of course I can't stop him having sex but I am not prepared to make it easy for him. My DSIL was very cool and got a double bed when her DD wanted to bring her BF home, fine, ........... until they split up and then the pattern had been set .... do you really want a series of 'boy/girl friends' sleeping over. How do you decide what is a 'serious' relationship? And she said she hated bumping into a boyfriend when she was in her dressing gown in the morning. .

No wonder so many young adults never leave home - it's far too comfortable. .

Original poster

Wednesday4thNovember · 08/11/2015 19:26

Again. thanks for all the responses.

madwoman, interestingly dignified is one of the words i use when talking to my DC about sex, and they thought it was an amusing word to choose. Kids, huh? But the condoms on the shelf thing? Meh, if they're old enough to have sex, they're old enough to get condoms, I reckon.

Does the FPC still exist?

OP posts:

Janeymoo50 · 08/11/2015 19:30

No way would I be encouraging my 16 year old daughter to have sex basically. Call me old fashioned.

Weathergames · 08/11/2015 19:32

DD is 16. She has been in a relationship with her BF for nearly a year he is 17, I know they are having sex as I took her to the GP so she could go on the pill.

I would be happy for him to stay over (they have been BFFs since they were 12) but she has never asked

DS1 is 18 and has many friends who are girls who can stay but I do not allow one night stands.

ragged · 08/11/2015 19:35

to be gruesomely honest, I'd be so delighted that DS (now 16) had engaged with someone else & was making someone else important in his life (besides self) that I'd probably be fine about sleepovers. With the proviso I get to ask questions about birth control obviously.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 08/11/2015 19:36

If you're going to allow him to sleep in her bed, at age 16, you have lost your marbles! For crying out loud, does no-one have standards any more? It wouldn't be happening on my watch. Sure he could stay - on the fecking sofa.

PollyPerky · 08/11/2015 20:13

My DCs are older than this but when they were 16 -17 this did not happen. They went to parties and sometimes had sleepovers where everyone stayed over and the parents were in. At the time, some of us parents were not happy about unsupervised parties- alcohol was a big issue with kids having to be carted off in ambulances at their friends parties- and I'd always phone the family to ask if they (the parents) would be at home and how much booze etc was around.

I appreciate this is a slightly different scenario but neither of my DCs had 'relationships' at 16 and hardly any - if any- of their peers did. They went around as a group.

I do not regard kids at 16/17 as old enough to have a 'serious' sexual relationship. They may be having sex, but to I'd discourage- and did in fact- my DD and DS from having relationships at that age. Reasons? They have so much pressure with school and getting to uni, contraception is notorious for failing with teenagers (even if they do use it they can be careless) and the fall out from a broken romance right in the middle of GCSEs or A levels is not good. (And i speak as someone who experienced that as a teen myself.) I think that emotionally, even if teens think they are ready for a sexual relationship they are not always and parents should not actively facilitate one. So no- I'd not allow it.

Turning a blind eye is one thing, but condoning it as if they are adults (legally they are minors) is another.

MazzleDazzle · 08/11/2015 21:40

My parents were very strict. I was taught to do as I was told, without question. We didn't discuss anything or communicate at all. Sex was a no go!

At 14 I did as I was told and didn't question it when a boy wanted to have sex with me. I was unable to have conversations with boys and didn't feel confident speaking out when I found myself in a situation I didn't want to be in.

My DH on the other came from a very open, liberal family. He waited until he was in a long term relationship before losing his virginity and has never had a one night stand.

Slightly off topic, but the point is...be the liberal parent who discusses sex openly and lets it happen under their roof! My parents' attitude was a big mistake.

hefzi · 08/11/2015 22:22

My parents have always had the rule - not married, not in the same room overnight: I was the oldest, and it was about showing my younger siblings good values (whatever) - the youngest of us is now 29, and those rules still rule. Their house, their rules: so whatever you feel is comfortable. I think you're right, though, that your other children will expect the rule to apply to them at the same age if you permit it.

(Fwiw, as teenagers and young adults, we were completely creeped out by parents who did the whole "we'd rather you were doing it here, not in the back of some car thing" - so the people with liberal parents got far less action than those who didn't :-D)

Headofthehive55 · 08/11/2015 23:04

My parents never let my DH stay over at their house with me when he was my boyfriend.

Their house their rules I suppose but it did make it a bit strange when they came to stay in our house, and of course we stayed in our own bed then and they stayed in the spare room.

We would let our DD have her bf stay over, ( she is twenty) but his parents won't let him stay here.

MazzleDazzle · 08/11/2015 23:09

Unless your daughter has a toy boy Headof, his parents sound completely unreasonable! Won't let him?

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