To ask your of teenage boyfriends or girlfriends sleeping over?

[Wednesday4thNovember]

It's getting to the stage now where DD wants her DB to sleepover. I'm ok with this relationship and verging on comfortable having him over to sleep but I have younger children and am worried about setting a precedent. I think DC are quite black and white and would see me letting DD1's BF of 7 months sleeping over meaning that their partners of 7 months will be allowed to sleepover. I'd rather judge each relationship by its own merits. How do other MNers deal with this, please?

PollyPerky why would this not be genuine? Similar conversations are going on amongst my group of friends with DC a similar age to the OP.

A number of them have had to have a rethink being actually confronted by the situation. People are finding that if they say no then in some cases their child's boyfriend/girlfriend's parents say yes to sleeping over which complicates things.

I've thought about how I'll handle this with my own daughter. I think after she turns 16, if they'd been together in a serious relationship for at least 6 months and I knew or strongly suspected they were sexually active, I would rather they could sleep together at my house. I would expect the same respectful behaviour I expect from her female friends when they come round/stay over.

I have no intention of repeating my MIL's approach of no bed sharing before marriage even if you've been living together for years. I'm also not going to keep popping in to offer cups of tea to try to stop them getting up to anything. Teenagers deserve privacy.

It may be genuine yes, but it's well known that journalists plunder MN for comments and opinions. I just wonder why the OP had to mention she'd name changed rather than post and not mention it at all.

Also possibly old fuddy-duddy, but my dim memory of being a teenager was a)quite liking furtive sex in random places and b)that my parents inviting me to have sex with disastrous teenage BF under their roof could quite well have given me the horrors. One step short of them popping in afterwards with a cup of tea to discuss his "performance" and/or potential grandchildren.

I mean, yes, I was having sex but I really wasn't very grown-up (and the relationship was, as aforementioned, a disaster), I think the idea of my parents treating him like my adult long-term partner would have been weird and inappropriate.

(my parents were fine with me sharing a bed under their roof with actual long-term partner when I was older)

I'm interested to know why so many parents think that 16 yr olds can handle sexual relationships- that are almost surely bound to end, in most cases- whilst still doing their A-levels or whatever. Just be ready with the tissues - in every sense-when it all goes pear shaped.

Neither of my DCs had serious relationships until they were at uni and I'd have discouraged them. It's well known through lots of research that sex for 16 yr old boys has a lot less emotional investment than for girls of the same age. At 16 they ought to be having fun with all their friends and not getting into a serious relationship when they are so young.

If they go on to uni it's 90% certain to fail (the relationship) if they move away from each other (in my experience of friends and parents) and your DCs may well wish you'd put more boundaries in place so they were able to say 'no' . sometimes kids need their parents to create a boundary to push against - too much freedom is not always a good thing.

Well I am 50 and vowed that my kids wouldn't have to creep around finding out about sex from other adults and having no support up deal with feelings and concequences of risky behaviour like me and dsis had. My dm wouldn't even discuss periods or sex.

We were very open smd honest round our 4 and treated them as sensible and mature when they were. They all were at 16.

Some of their friends have had multiple partners, taken drugs got insanely drunk and 2 have had abortions and their parents have absolutely no idea. Would hate that for my kids.

polly that's great for your dcs. Wouldn't have worked for some of mine. 2 yes 2 no.

I don't have complete personal experience (as the younger person in question is my DSS and he's now not a teenager any more) but he does live here and had his girlfriend to stay for the weekend and there was no question of them not sharing the same bed and I am pretty sure having sex.

It happened to be a weekend when my DC who are 11 and 10 were at their dads house but I equally wouldn't have had a problem with it if they had been around. I think it was easier for DSS and gf as my two seem to be finding the blossoming romance amusing and have been going "Oooooh" at every opportunity but before she comes here again I will sellotape up their mouths if necessary .

They know that adults have sex and that its a thing adults like to do. I wouldn't be impressed with exceptionally loud sex but DP and I don't do that either unless everyone's gone out.

Not sure what age I'd be happy with a bf/gf staying over but I think it would have to be a minimum of 16. And I wouldn't be happy with a succession of people coming and staying either. But will broach that subject in a few years time

I'm only 25 now but when I was 17 I was allowed my then boyfriend to stay over (he was 22 and the brother of a friend). We were together for three years and my family adored him, they were gutted when we split.

I don't see the problem so long as they're not swinging from the chandeliers while everyone is in the house.

I think though Helen that yours is the kind of experience I was talking about.

Do you maybe wish you'd been in situation where your parents had suggested you'd not had a serious BF at that age? Do you wish they had discouraged it a little? To protect you from the hurt, if nothing else?

I think it's a shame that so many young people these days think that they have to have sex when maybe they are not ready for it emotionally, or when it all goes wrong.

I had a serious BF at 17 and we got engaged at 20. He broke it off and I was devastated. We didn't have sex when we lived with our parents- we waited until we went to uni. My parents and his would not allow it happening in their homes and we never had the chance. I didn't want to do it outside or in a car or wherever. Personally, I'd not want to have sex with my parents in the same house-even now as a a very old adult.

My ds ( not long turned 16) shocked me a few months ago by asking if he could stay over at his Gf's house, they had only been seeing each other for perhaps a month. I agreed if it was ok with her parents. His gf has not stayed over at our house because we have 3 younger kids and I don't really think it's appropriate and also because our house is a little chaotic at times !

I think it's fine but then again my mother let me have established bf's over from 15. My dh mother however wouldn't let him have a gf to stay over and he moved in with me and my family within a few weeks (I was 16, he was working and 18) my sister in law pretty much always stayed out when she got a bf as again he was never allowed to stay over. This seems to of happened a lot with the people I know that the parents who never ever let people stay children moved out faster than those of us who where allowed partners to stay and pregnancy rates where about the same.

I don't think they are necessarily ready emotionally at 16, but I'd rather have a conversation about that than a blanket ban. I'm far more concerned about encouraging them to avoid casual sex than I am about preserving the sanctity of her own bedroom.

I really struggled with this when the request came. DH was fine with it but I did not like the idea of my son in the room next door with his girlfriend. I got used to having her around as they were together for over 2 years from 18 to 20 but was always a bit squirmy about knowing they were in bed. I had the discussion to keep things quiet and respect the fact that his DB was in the other room too. When they split up I made it very clear that random casual girls were not welcome for overnight. It would only be happening in a serious relationship... so far he is happy with that, expect its a right shagfest when we go away and his DB has gone away to UNI so is probably not going to ask until he meets someone he wants to bring home. I know I am unreasonable feeling as I do because of course I want them both to have safe, happy and fulfilling lives in all ways but honestly DS1 does give me way too much information, I put my hands over my ears and squeal Nooooo I am your mother don't tell me

I think it's fine. I'd been staying over at and sharing beds with boyfriends for about two years before I actually lost my virginity aged 17!

Yes, of course they should be respectful of whoever else is in the house etc but those rules apply whatever age surely?

The approach my mother took with me was in general, I had plenty of freedom unless I abused it, and then I had to earn back trust. So if i'd started having loud sex during Sunday breakfast, she wouldn't have let me have that guy over again, or if i missed a curfew I wouldn't be allowed out the next time, but she showed she trusted me and in turn I very rarely abused that.

Anyway, sending your mid/late teenagers the message that sex is unacceptable and shameful under your roof - and by extension, unacceptable and shameful full stop - is a) a terrible idea in terms of their future emotional health and b) hypocritical as they'll know you're doing/have done it!

Thanks everyone, there's some great responses on heee for me to mull over.

Polly, how the hell do I prove I'm genuine? I mentioned name change so that I wouldn't be accused of being some weirdo fapping over teensex.

Your DD will make her own choices about sleeping with this lad, on balance it's probably best if she does it in comfort and security, so long as they are respectful of the younger ones and are being 'careful'. If you like him and think their relationship is healthy then you could say yes, or you could say not until you're 18...
Much better for her to make her own choices with your support and have her nice bf over to stay than do it with some random doofus in the park to defy you, imho.

I had the same thing and made ds1 wait years and told him to sleep at his gf parents house, they didn't have any younger dc.
I was more lenient with ds2 he was/ is 20 and has been seeing his gf about a year.
They are my values, it's my house and dd is now 11.
The ds appreciate my values and were happy to do this.

Bloody hell my ds were 20 and 20+ and getting ready to leave.
You'll never get rid of them if you let partners move in.

Most Teens will have sex. You either give them a safe environment to talk to you about it it or you choose not to engage.

To me being a good parent is choosing to engage, and communicate. That surely cuts down on your child engaging in casual sex, risky behaviours and worse being groomed by older adults who offer a listening ear and then abuse.

So many of my 4 kids friends have parents who literally could post here that they don't allow this or that but their kids are having casual sex, drinking, etc.

It's tricky for sure but I think if you start with respect for each other from toddlerhood and boundaries then it's easier for them to make sensible choices as teens with you helping shape those choices by open communication. .

I'm 35 and I'm still not allowed 'sleepover' at my partner's parents' house - after 10 years! Well I am but in separate rooms

I would NEVER have been allowed a bf to sleep over at 16. I was 18 and even then it was seperate rooms the furst time he visited in theory. Tbh I see friends teenagers have bf after fb to stay at 15/16 and it just doesn't seem right to me.
OMG I,ve turned into my mother!!!

The rule at my parents was over 16 and they knew the BF and they could stay over but downstairs. After 6 months they were approved upstairs on the floor (I'm quite certain that they were aware this didn't happen although my now husband's parents had the same rule and still laid out a sleeping bag on his bedroom floor until we were 18) until I was 18 and ill one night and he went to get my parents and it was obvious we were sleeping in the same bed. We'd have sex downstairs then I'd sneak upstairs at 5am anyway but I can understand not wanting to condone it although I have a great relationship with my mum so she knew we were sexualy active.

Why is everyone presuming they are having sex?
Me and my partner got together at 16 and he was allowed to stay over after about 6 months but we didn't have sex until we were 18.
Sharing a bed doesn't mean shagging. Teens like to cuddle and just be together too!