To say something to my friend about her filthy cluttered house

[Mrskeats]

Before I go on I can assure you that this is not some kind of stealth boast about my superior household skills
I have a friend who has 4 children one is a young baby.
Her house is an absolute mess and filthy. The baby has been in hospital twice with infections and I am very surprised that the health visitor has not flagged up the house as an issue
The children are loved but they look unkempt and need haircuts etc
They also don't have friends over because I suspect they are ashamed of the place
The husband seems to me a bit of a hoarder and they are constantly ordering more rubbish from eBay
The children rarely go out so I have taken them out several times over the summer to give their mum a break
I would be happy to help sort the place out
How can I broach this without offending her?

Have I missed something? Wtf has being a hoarder got to do with the sickos who killed that poor girl? Its coincidental?

God, these threads always get such ridiculous, defensive responses. The OP wants to help.

There probably is nothing she can do, especially if the DH is a hoarder, but it must be indescribably grim to be a child, powerless, and living in those condition. And everyone just turning a blind eye.

I have no idea what you could do OP. It would be bound to be badly received. Look at this way this thread has been received, by people wholly unconnected with the situation...

One of the school mums at the DCs last school who I was quite friendly with had a house like this, and eventually it got really bad.

The kids were loved but mildly neglected, and developed seemingly permanent lice which kept reinfesting their classmates, meaning the school had a serious collective nit problem and other kids stopped wanting to sit near them in class, because they were scratching away the whole time (the kids were literally crawling with the things, you could see them).

SS got involved at that point and various things were organised including help de-lousing, some free use of the after-school club to give the parents a bit of a break, and presumably other things. I think the mum was offended and hurt but TBH no child deserves to go to school crawling with lice. In the end the kids were better off for the intervention.

What the fuck does The house Becky watts was murdered in have to do with anything? It's pretty bloody unpleasant if you are insuinuating that being a hoarder means your likely a murderer too. Loads of people live in houses just like the one in the DM like, my lovely IL's have rooms they can't get in to. It's just how they live.

You are insinuating that, they are your words. The home of the Man on trial is an example of hoarding.

Yea and what has that got to do with anything?

You want to know what a boarder has to do with a house that is messy due a hoarding parent?

It all depends on what your standards are an what your idea of a messy/cluttered and dirty house is. Mess and clutter just doesn't bother some people.

I'm sure the health visitor would have flagged it if it were that bad.

No, don't say anything. She won't thank you for it; I wouldn't.

I think we know what a hoarder does. The op certainly does.

Were there no other examples of hoarding you court think of?

I am sure you could find much better, recent examples of a boarder home.

Hands up who opened this thread just to see if was about them?

Don't you have access to google?

treaclesoda can hoarding run in families? My brother won't throw anything out, even an old tray, if he's got three trays and one is broken. I think 'throw one out!' but no. I notice now my teenage daughter is not throwing out anything. We had an argument because she wouldn't throw out some old work books from two years ago. They can't be re-used! Her writing is in them. She also won't throw out old clothes or shoes . She's size ten and size five feet so she has an adult's body but is holding on to clothes that would fit a nine year old! I try not to say too much.

My understanding is hoarding is very difficult to treat. If I found myself with a boarder I would move out.

I'll start off by saying that i am a hoarder and my house has in the past been a tip. It is very well kept now and the hoarding has stopped (still a hoarder, just not active) but it is all directly relate to my depression and when i'm down the house gets bad.

To my point. I have a friend whose home is awful. Very very bad. I have cleaned it for her many times, both at her request and at my suggestion. I have also helped her move house so she has had a "blank canvas" several times. Each and every time i leave her home immaculate. Within hours it is as though i was never there. (And very frustrating) my friend has grown up children who spend most of their time elsewhere. What i am trying to say is that it takes more than someone else cleaning up for you. It is a frame of mind thing and your friend and her DH will have to make a decision to change how they live before anything will happen. It is entirely possible to have 4/5/more children and live in a show home, i know people who do it. But that is because they want to. Your friend and her DH have to want to improve their home. No amount of you cleaning it will make that happen.

No, don't say anything. She won't thank you for it; I wouldn't.

The kids, who have no choice but to live in it would, though.

and PS, in defence of the OP, I know a family like this too but I'd never imagine I could help them! They're lovely, and yet their dogs roll in mud (or shit?) then come in to the house. Their house stinks. They always seem to be ill. I don't know if it's germs, maybe people get hardier and more robust the longer they live a house with various non-fatal germs.

OP, you might find this thread useful, as it includes constructive ways that people found their friends helped them:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/housekeeping/866121-My-house-is-so-messy-dirty-and-awful-I-need

Fwiw i found the direct approach was best with me. (My mum was great at this, no beating around the bush) depends on your friend's nature though. She may be so mortified she never speaks to you again or she may break down in tears saying "i know, i've been in denial, i just dont know where to start, can you help me" my friend who has the awful house is in denial and insists its temporary because she was tired or had a bad day or meant to clean up but wasnt feeling great. These may be true but really her house has been like this for at least 10 years so not temporary. It is her.

Palomb, i understood it that how to was just using those pics for op to compare to how bad the house is. It wasn't just hoarding it was manky as well.

I would try the gentle approach, asking her if she needs help with anything - give her a few examples of chores you put off yourself, so you know it can be difficult especially with her having 4 children
Pick something not too controversial and suspend your judgement - for example - it's coming up to Christmas would you like me to help you sort out some of children's toys/clothes to eBay/charity shop/take to tip etc

Hoarding is a problem - I am a hoarder and it is horrible. But because I have too many books, clothes, china objects and cooking utensils - and really too many - I am no more likely to murder anyone than the next person. That is ridiculous!

I think you are wonderful OP but it is tricky. A friend offered to do this for me once - but I was too embarrassed to say yes. Another friend has offered again - but I can't say yes until it is a bit tidier. I need professional help but I am not as bad as your friend is - (I have fewer children).

You are a good friend.

Posted too soon - then if she accepts a little help over something small - it might allow you to extend this to cleaning and so on

I don't think she was saying anything about them murdering because they were a hoarder. She obviously seen those pics recently because it's been in the press and just linked to them to get op to compare how bad her friends was in comparison.