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Original poster

To say something to my friend about her filthy cluttered house

155 replies

Mrskeats · 03/11/2015 16:51

Before I go on I can assure you that this is not some kind of stealth boast about my superior household skills
I have a friend who has 4 children one is a young baby.
Her house is an absolute mess and filthy. The baby has been in hospital twice with infections and I am very surprised that the health visitor has not flagged up the house as an issue
The children are loved but they look unkempt and need haircuts etc
They also don't have friends over because I suspect they are ashamed of the place
The husband seems to me a bit of a hoarder and they are constantly ordering more rubbish from eBay
The children rarely go out so I have taken them out several times over the summer to give their mum a break
I would be happy to help sort the place out
How can I broach this without offending her?

OP posts:
Millipedewithherfeetup · 03/11/2015 17:18

I think i would just offer to help, when you next go in for a coffee and see washing up etc, just say shall i help you with this ? And just get on with it, you can then take it from there.

Mintyy · 03/11/2015 17:22

Mrskeats - you made a completely reasonable op and asked your question in a caring and non-judgemental way.

Some of the replies you've had on this thread are just disgusting.

It would be great if you could offer to help her, but ime people who live like this are often beyond helping.

A filthy (not messy) house is sometimes a red flag for child neglect. Have some of you not read any news stories about child neglect?

gamerchick · 03/11/2015 17:23

Do you live in a shithole like tali you've went straight for the jugular there?

Personally I don't think helping her clean it is going to help. It'll just end up back in the state it's in.

I think just carry on helping with the kids and getting them out of there as often as possible is all you can do if you don't want to chat to her about it. I think someone will probably flag it up at some point, especially if the baby is being admitted to hospital with infections.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 03/11/2015 17:23

Sirry, but washing up will not get to the root of the problem. Its bigger than the odd helping hand.
Health visitor will have seen all sorts, some people have lower standards. At least she lets you in.

almondpudding · 03/11/2015 17:26

My house is a tip. It actually would help me if somebody came in and offered to clear it all up. At least if someone came in and help sort it out once, I could then start from a blank page and keep on top of it.

But you'd have to go in with some sort of plan. The planning of how to deal with it is often the most overwhelming part.

sparechange · 03/11/2015 17:26

OP, I grew up in a house which was a total tip, with a hoarder parent which meant some rooms were piled floor to ceiling with charity shop junk.

We couldn't have friends over and I suffered asthma attacks continually, which cleared up as soon as I stayed with grandparents.

I could only have wished for someone to have intervened, but if anyone had, they would have been cut out by my parents, who were too stubborn and too belligerent to admit there was a problem, let along accept help for it.

I don't really know what the right thing is, but to all those saying OP should mind her own business, you clearly have no idea of the hell that is growing up in a filthy house Sad

notquitehuman · 03/11/2015 17:29

If the husband is a hoarder then cleaning up a bit isn't going to help. He'll need therapy and ongoing care, otherwise he'll just replace any items that are thrown out. I believe social services sometimes get involved in hoarding cases, as we had a neighbour that had this problem. A call to the council might be a good start, especially if they are council tenants.

megletthesecond · 03/11/2015 17:29

Go and clean it for her then. A chat isn't going to help. She's probably as fed up with it as you are.

treaclesoda · 03/11/2015 17:30

I have (sadly) a lot of experience of hoarding and general poor living conditions. The thing is that the person living that way doesn't always realise how abnormal their situation is. Sometimes they have convinced themselves it is ok, 'just a bit messy' , when in reality it is a serious problem. The hoarder that I care for is no longer allowed to have her children live with her. For years I turned a blind eye to save her feelings and now I feel very guilty indeed that I was too weak to try to help at an earlier stage when the outcome might have been better.

Living in squalor as a lone adult is a personal choice. When you bring children into the mix it is very different.

Viviennemary · 03/11/2015 17:31

You are being judgemental. I would imagine she knows the house is a mess. You could tactuflly offer to help. But you're not there as her health visitor or social worker so I don't think it would be wise to give her advice or point out that her house is a tip.

SuckingEggs · 03/11/2015 17:36

Some of you are fucking horrible. Get off your high horses.

OP asked a reasonable question. If you think you'd just roll up your sleeves if you visited someone living in fetid conditions, you're dreaming. Or perhaps you'd not give a shiny shite, but just 'live and let live'. Plenty of people have big families but have a good level of cleanliness!

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 03/11/2015 17:36

there is a bloke i know who is a hoarder, i drive past his house on the way to work, there is often a skip outside full of stuff, that he just replaces once the skip has gone, as nobody ever sorts out the actual problem.

Almond if you don't have the will to sort the problem out yourself, you will just end up in the same place as you currently are, no matter how many times people come and clean up for you.

maria543 · 03/11/2015 17:36

The baby getting infections may not be a result of the messy house. Maybe the messy house is a result of the time and energy they're spending on looking after the sick baby?

Be kind.

SuckingEggs · 03/11/2015 17:37

Leaving food out to rot is a red flag.

SuperFlyHigh · 03/11/2015 17:39

Could you offer to gift her from your house or buy her a few storage solutions so she can 'store' and tidy? Maybe help her tidy and give her a few pointers.

A few years ago when I was a bit depressed my brother and his wife come over and tidied the bedroom and living room (my brother had been coming to paint those rooms anyway and was finishing off) - they went to IKEA, got magazine racks for papers, boxes for jewellery and drawer dividers and shelves etc and a new duvet set and lamp. And they put up shelves in the living room. I could've sorted this myself but was really down and it was a surprise.

Not saying you should do that but you could help her with solutions. Introduce her to Fly Lady's thread or other decluttering sites. Maybe help her to EBay some unwanted items. M

howtorebuild · 03/11/2015 17:41

If it was just the friend that would work, she's living with a boarder, see the dm pictures to see what hoarding looks like.

howtorebuild · 03/11/2015 17:43

The hoarding Man in the DM linked case, was very controlling and he took over the house.

MissBattleaxe · 03/11/2015 17:43

I just think questioning the welfare of someone's kids due to a messy house is rude and judgemental.

There's messy and there's unsanitary and poor hygiene. Mess can lead to this, especially if the poor friend is overwhelmed and perhaps doesn't know where to start. I don't think the OP is being judgemental, just kind and concerned. She is after all, willing to shove on the marigolds and get stuck in.

almondpudding · 03/11/2015 17:44

The OP said the partner was a bit of a hoarder; hopefully it is not to the extent of those photos!

There was a thread on here a while back where people posted all kinds of advice about organising messy houses.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/11/2015 17:45

you can't just go cleaning up can you?

aren't hoarders psychologically attached to everything owned. just binning stuff even old food really could set off a chain of events that could make the mums life a misery.

sounds like they both really need help. not sure who to suggest call g though. I kean this needs an expert in hoarding

ghostspirit · 03/11/2015 17:46

if the husband really is a hoarder then maybe he needs to see someone about that?

its kind of hard to advice. dont know what sort of person your friend is. some people need telling in a harsh kind of way. others need it to be gentle and kind sort of way.

MammaTJ · 03/11/2015 17:46

Better to have a word and try to help than just blithely report her to SS and then have her wondering which of the few people she allows in her house did it.

Wishfulmakeupping · 03/11/2015 17:46

FFS some of these responses! OP ignore some of these posts- offer practical help where you can- its not good for those children to be living in that kind of environment

treaclesoda · 03/11/2015 17:47

As I understand it ALL hoarders take over the house in the end. If they are hoarders they find it hard not to.