To say something to my friend about her filthy cluttered house

[Mrskeats]

Before I go on I can assure you that this is not some kind of stealth boast about my superior household skills
I have a friend who has 4 children one is a young baby.
Her house is an absolute mess and filthy. The baby has been in hospital twice with infections and I am very surprised that the health visitor has not flagged up the house as an issue
The children are loved but they look unkempt and need haircuts etc
They also don't have friends over because I suspect they are ashamed of the place
The husband seems to me a bit of a hoarder and they are constantly ordering more rubbish from eBay
The children rarely go out so I have taken them out several times over the summer to give their mum a break
I would be happy to help sort the place out
How can I broach this without offending her?

Four children and a young baby? And a hoarder husband? It would be weird if her house wasn't a mess!

How about saying in a very matter of fact way: 'You must be rushed off your feet with four kids. I'm free X afternoon, can I come round and help you by pottering around the house? We can have some dinner afterwards'. Or something like that?

It's probably a combination of the parents and so many children. Until the parents sort things mentally or emotionally, you are wasting your time practically cleaning. I hope they are not hoarding children now too.

I don't know if you saw the home of the couple being tried for the death of Becky Watts? The Man was a boarder, if the house is like that then you could help your friend visit her GP.

You sound like a nice friend. What about a general chat about how things can so easily get on top of you, maybe you could say that you struggled when your dc were small, and then offer to get your marigolds on? How well do you know her?

Four children and a young baby? And a hoarder husband? It would be weird if her house wasn't a mess!

Theres mess and theres filth.

Yes I worry as they weren't coping with 4 kids really then they had another
Wouldn't surprise me if she gets pregnant again.
Untidy isn't an issue really is it? Filthy is. The downstairs toilet is a sight to behold and they do stuff like leave food out on the surfaces such as chicken which isn't great
When I'm there I'm itching to get a bloody skip and bin half of it

That's not very nice tali
Especially as I'm concerned with the kids welfare
I work with children so do have some knowledge
I'm not judging I just think they need some help

OP it just sounds like you're being judgemental.
"Wouldn't surprise me if she gets pregnant again"
"The toilet it a sight to behold"

If you were my friend I'd tell you to keep your nose out

OP didn't say that a messy house = not caring for your children

But meeting minimum standards of hygiene to ensure a healthy living environment is a basic necessity. Failure to do so is neglect. Neglect doesn't always mean that parents don't care, often it means they can't cope. Help from a friend could be what they need.

At what point would you raise an issue with a friend, then, Tali?

what on earth would it possibly acheive except humiliating her and ruining your friendship. She already knows her house is a tip

Is everyone in a bad mood today?
I'm not slagging her off I'm worried about her and the kids especially as the husband has left a few times and her health is not great
I'm worried she will be offended and says everything is fine

The thing is the friend may need help with her self esteem, as I can't see another reason why you would live with someone else's hoarding.

'I have a friend who has 4 children one is a young baby'

'they weren't really coping with 4 kids then they had another'

Your friend has had another baby between your OP and the update??

Tali so if the kids are living in filthy conditions a blind eye needs to be turned to spare the friend's feelings??

Op, your friend might be very overwhelmed with 4 kids and a sick baby, if the husband doesn't pitch in then shes carrying a huge load and the last thing on her mind will be to clean.
Can you gently speak to her, are you willing to offer your help to start sorting the mess out.

Is op hitting a raw nerve? tali mu house is a tip, i have 4 dcs but its not flithy. I think op just wants to help.

Imperial if a friend needed help I'd ask them if there was anything I could do.

Not moan about their house being a tip and question their capability to look after their kids

What about ringing Homestart? Could they give some support to your friend?

No it isn't, my house is fine, I just think questioning the welfare of someone's kids due to a messy house is rude and judgemental.

A friend always had a somewhat messy house. His parents were outdoorsy and he had 3 siblings, they were always more concerned with looking after their kids and having fun than spending hours shining the windows.

www.home-start.org.uk/findsupport/search Link for Homestart

Just offer he!p, rather than slagging them off on an internet forum.

It's a shame the health visitor didn't flag up the issue.
It must be a difficult position for you to be in OP.
You may risk your friendship even though you mean well.
I would suggest calling social services if it looks dirty/hazardous and you think this could affect the children's and baby's health e.g. crawling around in rubbish/unhygienic food debris/eating off the floor etc.
Tricky situation.
You could see if there is a local Home-Start in your area, they may be able to help. Sometimes its better for a professional to deal with something this sensitive. A chaotic home could signify generally not managing with everything.

Just offer he!p, rather than slagging them off on an internet forum.

That's what I'm saying