Is it me or DH who is unreasonable over best friend.....

[woolythoughts]

This is long – and I’m not sure what info to include (so as not to be accused of drip feeding) or not (so as not to be accused of stealth boasting) so I’ve just put the basic facts. I know I’m going to get flamed for this.

I have a really close friend who I’ve known 15 years who predates my DH by at least 10 years. Over the years typically she has earned a lot less than me ( by about a factor of 8) and when her ex left her she ended up in an IVA – so financially she’s not rolling in it and never will be. She does make some stupid choices what to spend her spare money on (that he doesn’t agree with) e.g. she drinks far too much but to give her credit, it cheap plonk she’s happy with.

She never ever ever asks for anything but most of us have got used to doing nice things for her. Example, she’s going to a concert this weekend with another friend of ours and the other friend has paid for her ticket as there is no way she could afford it herself. When she comes to stay with me, I buy her train ticket (I live several hundred miles away) as otherwise she couldn’t afford it. However, if I’m working in London or near the south east, I can crash at her place (I have the keys) as often as I want and I’ve often stayed at her place when she’s been away on holiday etc. It pisses my DH off that I buy take away if she’s there when I stay and that she never offers to cook for me.

So, the current bone of contention. I’ve always given her my cast of IT equipment. I’m a bit of a gadget freak and often upgrade just because I can.

Earlier this year, I realized I didn’t use my ipod touch as all my music was on my phone – so I gave it to her and she uses it every day.

I have a laptop that had been sitting unused for nearly two years (was top of the range mac book pro about four years ago so still more than useful) so when her’s died I said she could have a loan of mine on the understanding that should I ever need it back for work (I’m freelance IT consultant) I could. I seriously doubt I ever would need it and if it were just up to me I’d give it to her but it was a “loan” to appease DH. He’s now belly aching that I could sell it for £350 on ebay or to a neighbor of my mother’s whose just broken his. I’d rather she use it than sell it for £350. We don’t need the money.

So, I’m now selling my ipad air as I’m upgrading mine to the ipad pro next week. With it is a keyboard I paid £100 for but to be honest, I doubt I’d get much second hand. She recently got given an ipad air for her birthday by her mother so when I sell mine to one of those buy your mobile companies, I’m going to give her the keyboard that I used. DH is adamant I should either charge her for it or let it sit on the shelf rather than she have it. I gave her my original iPad 1 – the very original that came out in 2010 back in 2012 and she used it until it gave up the ghost this year. What I’m trying to say with that is, she doesn’t just take things for granted and is genuinely appreciateive.

I think DH is just being spiteful he thinks she’s a freeloading twunt. I love my DH but he is the kind who would try to sell sand to Arab’s and charge them double the market price if he could get away with it.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU...

When I was at university I was living hand to mouth. I had no family and had nothing to call my own having grown up in a Home and having lost my only foster parents as teens.

But I had two good friends who were totally open and generous with me. Clothes, Meals, Books etc. Over the years I started to pay them back first with time such as babysitting or ironing and cleaning and when one fell on hard times with (lots of) gifts for the kids or yes, my second hand IT as I was on a great wage. I think of it as Karma.

My DH did not understand or like this at first and complained like hell. But he began to get it when one of his friends was left with nothing and he was desperate to help.

I have no advice for you only to say... from someone who has been your friend, thank you... We need more like you

The gifts, although not cheap, are relative to the OPs salary. She has said that she earns 8 x what her friend earns. On my salary I couldn't afford to give used IT equipment to a friend - I would need to sell this to fund my upgrade. Therefore if my DH complained this would be reasonable. However the OP is in a different financial position (being able to save £6000 per month I think I read). I pass clothing I have bought that doesn't suit me or maybe a hand bag I think my friend would use more than me on to my friend and I think that pro rata to her earnings the OP is doing the equivalent of this. Therefore the OP is being totally fair and her DH unreasonable.

A quick Google suggests counselling is minimum £40 an hour that's the iPad paid for right off! Not to mention the 1000's you've likely saved in staying with her rather than last minute room in a hotel.

If anyone's freeloading its your 'd'h.

Frankly in your position I'd present him with a list of what she's saved you just in last year! I'd bet its more than enough to cover what you've given her but that's not the point. The point he's massively missing is that this is what you do for friends!

I've been on both sides of this as a friend, with and without money. My bf and I have switched roles several times over the years. When I don't have money I help my friends in other ways, babysitting, advice, form filling (something I've become quite good at thanks to dealing with DWP/tax credits etc), when I was fitter and healthier I'd do gardening, odd bits of diy (I'm quite practical and can fix a lot of things), I'm crafty so I've made things either as gifts or helping with things like fancy dress for their kids, hand down clothes my dd has grown out of, also toys/books/games... Support isn't always something you can cost! Plus I'm an insomniac so my friends know if they're having a tough time for whatever reason they can call middle of the night to vent/cry/offload. I've a weird employment background that means I have some knowledge of medical/childcare/legal matters so can help there too.

And yes definitely get finances and house sorted as I would not trust this guy to play fair in the event of a divorce!!

On my salary I couldn't afford to give used IT equipment to a friend - I would need to sell this to fund my upgrade. Therefore if my DH complained this would be reasonable.

How? It would be YOUR stuff, bought from YOUR salary.

If you had a shared computer with your DH and gave it away without telling/asking him, that might be grounds for complaint. Otherwise: no.

Theoretician Yes, you are entitled to own anything separately within a marriage. But it must be understood by both parties to be a separate possession. If not previously agreed then it all gets sorted in law when dividing up all marital assetts.

I think if he sees making use of something for a reduced cost or second hand when someone is done with it as freeloading or taking advantage then maybe he might want to rethink the money he is saving on flights or bills etc because of your job?

It does sound like there is more to it than the money issue. Sounds like your friend is a gem, very caring and giving..not able to financially generous, but generous in other ways yes? Could you not put that line of reasoning to him?

Are you sure he is not jealous of her in some way or feels threatened by her?

It's amazing how many people in relationships can get threatened by close friendships, and it doesn't have to be about sexual jealousy etc.

He is mean and clearly feels like he should get first dibs on your cast offs.

If you can afford to give your friend hand me downs and would prefer to do this than use your time to sell them on ebay - good for you.

If you or your family were going without to give your friend toys that would be totally different.

I bet she's really grateful. Thank goodness everyone out there isn't pinching and scraping and grabbing every last penny. If I ever earn a lot of money I would hope I'd do the same as you.

Is it mean to hope you might be next in line when your husband/wife upgrades a phone/tablet/laptop? I'd say it's normal, esp if you are the lower earning half of the partnership.

just catching up on thread - but can I just say - he doesn't need my cast offs because when I upgrade my tech I upgrade his aswell so he always has the same as me

Sounds like HE doesn't mind taking advantage of you, he just doesn't want any competition. You sound like a generous person who could do a lot better than be with him, OP.

Stop giving him details of what you gift this friend, when you get take away etc. you don't owe him explanation of financial decisions.
And get your interest in the house sorted out.

In your shoes I also would have serious reservations about having kids with this person.

I think he's jealous, tbh; and even if he isn't, then he's still being mean and spiteful.

You keep doing what you're doing - your friend gives back in ways that she can afford, and you do what you do because you can afford it - he just doesn't "get" that relationship, and/or is jealous of it.

DH regularly suggests to me that he should get a new laptop and I can have his current one - I don't want his cast-offs, I'll get my own new one, thanks! BUT if I couldn't afford it myself and someone offered me a freebie, I wouldn't say no. (With DH, it's just the concept that he's the only one deserving of a new item and I can just make do with his cast-offs - neither of us needs top-level tech, he's just being a git, IMO)

Console the cost of used electronic equipment to staying the night in a London hotel and point that out to your stingy husband?

*compare - not console

If she has a 2bed flat and an easy going Landlord.... she could sublet the other room for odd weeks here and there to foreign exchange students on homestay.com when she needs a ticket to come see you or a new laptop or expensive gig tickets.... he'd never even know/twig. Only a thought.

It just all seems very one way for the odd night in London where you pay for a nice meal. Real life means one day you will be skint and not there for nice tech gifts and one day the landlord will sell or pass on and the going rate rent will be required. Meanwhile she drifts along getting her social life and extra's provided gratis.

If it works for you OP, carry on. But i also had a friend like this, I felt used in the end. It was never outright requests just lots of sighing about PS when she had really cheap council flat a good job and enough money for her weed habit. I looked round her flat one day and realised everything in it was a gift from me or her other BFF. Including furniture and most of her daughter's clothes/toys.

He needs to be careful. He's paying for his own children, which is obviously fair enough. The OP doesn't have children and earns enough to keep everyone comfortable. There's no doubt that he's benefiting financially from the OP. She's known her friend for 10 years longer than her husband - if push came to shove she may well not choose him.

It'll be interesting when his children are older - I assume he'll want her to give her secondhand equipment to them, at no charge?

OP you sound like a fabulous friend. Keep saving those 6k a month (some of it in your name I hope) and don't engage in discussions with your husband on what you do with your own tech.

I also don't think your friend is a freeloader at all. My mum has a very close friend who has always worked in low-paid positions and now lives on a tiny pension. She is also a breast cancer survivor and has generally had a crap time. My mum is much better off and frequently pays for her friend's theatre tickets when they go together, pays for food and drink, any admission costs, gives her lifts to places (friend has never been able to afford to run a car), and includes her friend in joint birthday presents for a minimal contribution etc. I've always thought that's normal, just what friends do really. If I was you I'd tell husband to back off!