Is it me or DH who is unreasonable over best friend.....

[woolythoughts]

This is long – and I’m not sure what info to include (so as not to be accused of drip feeding) or not (so as not to be accused of stealth boasting) so I’ve just put the basic facts. I know I’m going to get flamed for this.

I have a really close friend who I’ve known 15 years who predates my DH by at least 10 years. Over the years typically she has earned a lot less than me ( by about a factor of 8) and when her ex left her she ended up in an IVA – so financially she’s not rolling in it and never will be. She does make some stupid choices what to spend her spare money on (that he doesn’t agree with) e.g. she drinks far too much but to give her credit, it cheap plonk she’s happy with.

She never ever ever asks for anything but most of us have got used to doing nice things for her. Example, she’s going to a concert this weekend with another friend of ours and the other friend has paid for her ticket as there is no way she could afford it herself. When she comes to stay with me, I buy her train ticket (I live several hundred miles away) as otherwise she couldn’t afford it. However, if I’m working in London or near the south east, I can crash at her place (I have the keys) as often as I want and I’ve often stayed at her place when she’s been away on holiday etc. It pisses my DH off that I buy take away if she’s there when I stay and that she never offers to cook for me.

So, the current bone of contention. I’ve always given her my cast of IT equipment. I’m a bit of a gadget freak and often upgrade just because I can.

Earlier this year, I realized I didn’t use my ipod touch as all my music was on my phone – so I gave it to her and she uses it every day.

I have a laptop that had been sitting unused for nearly two years (was top of the range mac book pro about four years ago so still more than useful) so when her’s died I said she could have a loan of mine on the understanding that should I ever need it back for work (I’m freelance IT consultant) I could. I seriously doubt I ever would need it and if it were just up to me I’d give it to her but it was a “loan” to appease DH. He’s now belly aching that I could sell it for £350 on ebay or to a neighbor of my mother’s whose just broken his. I’d rather she use it than sell it for £350. We don’t need the money.

So, I’m now selling my ipad air as I’m upgrading mine to the ipad pro next week. With it is a keyboard I paid £100 for but to be honest, I doubt I’d get much second hand. She recently got given an ipad air for her birthday by her mother so when I sell mine to one of those buy your mobile companies, I’m going to give her the keyboard that I used. DH is adamant I should either charge her for it or let it sit on the shelf rather than she have it. I gave her my original iPad 1 – the very original that came out in 2010 back in 2012 and she used it until it gave up the ghost this year. What I’m trying to say with that is, she doesn’t just take things for granted and is genuinely appreciateive.

I think DH is just being spiteful he thinks she’s a freeloading twunt. I love my DH but he is the kind who would try to sell sand to Arab’s and charge them double the market price if he could get away with it.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP, please make sure you are covered in case you and your husband get divorced. I'm worried that the house is 'his' even though you are both paying towards it.

As far as your friend is concerned, couldn't she rent her spare room out for several hundred a month? That would help her to build up some savings.

You save £6k a month??

Lend us a fiver would you?

Seriously, you are not short on cash, I'm sure she's a nice friend, your DH is a bit mean but people's relationships with money is a funny one so try to treat him with a bit of understanding (which it sounds like you are).

OurBlanche - I only said that to indicate that he's not going without..... I probably phrased it badly. I really didnt mean it the way it sounded.

If it was his tech, and say his sister needed it.. Lets say mazuma mobile offered him £200 - he's sell it to his sister for £250

YANBU. I think using her flat when you're in London is pretty good payback for the second-hand IT stuff, personally - not that I would expect payback from a good friend who had a lot less money than me.

Hotels in London cost at least £100 a night these days so if you are staying at her place for even seven nights a year you are doing quite well out of the bargain.

wooly OK. And I am a great giver away of stuff too. I always look for a home for things before I think of selling on. BUT I always check with DH, as such stuff has been bought with our money.

I am fortunate that DH is as bad/good at giving stuff away, but there have been things we have both caviled at. In which case we have sold the item rather than given it away for free.

I don't see an issue, since it sounds like she gives back in non-monetary ways, eg letting you stay at her house. I think your DH really dislikes her for some reason. If you're saving 6k a month then it seems ridiculous that he's fussing over selling things for a hundred quid.

If that's how your DH truly is then I pity you.

What a small and mean man he is.

He sounds a money grabbing arse to me and if we are talking of freeloaders then I think I've found one....and it's not your friend.

When I was skint at 20 and paying a mortgage, by best friend would 'loan' me a box of ciggies. By which she would buy me a box of 20 to last me a week if I was struggling to get to payday (she was living at home at the time - no rent, very few expenses). She wouldn't ever take the money back. But I would try and repay by picking her up and taking her to work with me every day and dropping her home for the whole time we worked together. She didn't get have to get the bus for an hour each day. Your friendship is exactly that. Yours. I wouldn't allow others to dictate how you operate that friendship.

As you get older I find that what things are worth aren't important. You do something lovely for your friend, who from what you've said above isn't a shit friend, and isn't taking advantage, and gives to you all she has - even if that is just a key to her flat.

You pay your bills, do your savings, have all your ducks in a row? Who gives a flying sh!t about what you do with your possessions and your money.

If she's far enough away to be an expensive train ticket away, I assume you see her all that much so it's not that bad to buy a take away every now and again. Sounds like your OH is a bit mean and resentful...maybe even a bit jealous. Stick to your guns.

Does he just feel threatened by you having such a close friendship as well as it because he is incredibly mercenary?

I think on balance he is BU.

OP, I'm in a similar position with my oldest friend. She's had a laptop, 2 iPads, a camera, etc because I've upgraded and preferred to give them to her than to sell them for not a lot. The fun she gets out of the things I've given her far outweighs whatever money I'd have recovered by selling them instead. She contributes by doing things like making a detour to pick something up for me, or by taking DS off my hands when he was young enough to need looking after- she has more time than I do, I have more money. DH just shrugs - the gadgets are mine, he wouldn't dream of trying to tell me what to do with them.

Its not just the flat - when I split from my ex, i'd been through a really really really bad three years (very emotionally abusive ex) and had not really spoke to any of my friends for years (in her case two years). Yet when I had a break down at 1am I called her out of the blue and she spend 9 hours on the phone to me - calling in sick herself.

I guess he doesnt see that part as it was all pre-him.

She sounds like a true forever friend and I think it's entirely up to her what gifts you give her.

If you bought her an expensive Christmas or Birthday present would he moan and be pissed off about that?

Having a friend you can rely on like that is worth way more than an old ipad

I think your H sounds as though he might be a bit of a prick in more ways than one.
Firstly, it is absolutely none of his business what you do with your belongings, as it is not impacting on your family finances.
Secondly, the fact that you mention he would try to overcharge his own family for secondhand technology suggests that he is selfish and greedy about money. Is it just money, or is he greedy for your attention and one of those people who has to be praised and fussed over for doing the smallest favour?

I don't buy her Christmas or birthday presents and in fact, I believe I havent sent her a birthday card for years as I'm hopeless at stuff like that.

I cannot abide meanness or tightness.

You're saving six grand a month and he begrudges you giving away your possessions to your friend. Whilst basically calling you a gullible fool and your friend a cynical freeloader. Who the fuck does he think he is?

This has made me irrationally angry for you! maybe it's just sheer envy of your six grand spare a month Seriously though, one of the qualities I like and value most in my DH is his generosity (and I think generosity is closely linked to kindness. I'm sure our DC are much nicer and kinder than they would be if I was bringing them up without him). I simply couldn't bring myself to like anyone who begrudged you giving a gift to someone you love, in addition to telling you how you should behave.

I actually think it's very poor behaviour on his part.

SolidGold - no, its just the money thing. He's extremely generous with his time etc and will do anything for most people. However, if you take advantage of him even once, he'll cut you dead. He's even generous with money in his own way - we have lent one of his friends a significant sum to replace his van that he needed for work when his old one died- multiple £000s.
Its been paid back in full.

He just hates any sign of people taking advantage.

How would he feel if you said, "I agree - I've been a mug. I'm going to make sure I look after myself from now on" and then put your own (higher) savings into your own account? Or does he only want you to be tight with her (even though you've known her a lot longer than you've known him and she's stood the test of being a really true friend)?

TheCreepyContessaOfPlumperton - sorry I didnt mean offence by what I posted.

Its just a common phrase when I was growing up about selling something to someone who doesnt need it.

A similar one I could have used is selling ice to the eskimos.

I didn't mean anything racial by it I just can't think of a similar phrase that doesnt involve people.

But she's not taking advantage if you're freely giving her stuff you no longer need - he sounds like a complete twat, there's nothing more unattractive than meanness

Don't worry wooly, I suspected as much!

Selling cider to Bristolians might work

I think you both share a wonderful friendship with one another. I have a wonderful relationship with my best friend and would give her the shirt off my back if she needed.

We have both had dcs and when mine grew out of stuff (clothes, toys, furniture), I passed most on to her as selling it wouldnt have made comparatively as much as the worth of handing it over (our financial situation is massively different to yours though!!)

He just doesnt sound kind. Mean and spiteful id say.

Hang on - back to this "joint assets" business. Are you really saying that if I was married I should have checked with with my husband before I gave a friend an evening dress of mine that I can't get into any more no longer wear? Seriously?? For reference- it cost much more than a second hand IPad.

I love my DH but he is the kind who would try to sell sand to Arab’s and charge them double the market price if he could get away with it.

Ugh I can't stand people like this!

Seriously, it's none of his fucking business. What an absolute cheap skate.

Tell you what, tell him to pay for his accommodation next time you go away, tell him to pay 50% of ALL your joint outgoings, then tell him you're going to give all that money to your friend for years of a place to stay in London and as payment for the therapy she saved you.

What a knob.

Oh, do stop it, Bertrand. You are making up stupid stuff now!

Common sense does come into it, usually. But, in law, yes anything bought within a marriage is legally jointly owned. Why is that so hard to understand?