Is it me or DH who is unreasonable over best friend.....

[woolythoughts]

This is long – and I’m not sure what info to include (so as not to be accused of drip feeding) or not (so as not to be accused of stealth boasting) so I’ve just put the basic facts. I know I’m going to get flamed for this.

I have a really close friend who I’ve known 15 years who predates my DH by at least 10 years. Over the years typically she has earned a lot less than me ( by about a factor of 8) and when her ex left her she ended up in an IVA – so financially she’s not rolling in it and never will be. She does make some stupid choices what to spend her spare money on (that he doesn’t agree with) e.g. she drinks far too much but to give her credit, it cheap plonk she’s happy with.

She never ever ever asks for anything but most of us have got used to doing nice things for her. Example, she’s going to a concert this weekend with another friend of ours and the other friend has paid for her ticket as there is no way she could afford it herself. When she comes to stay with me, I buy her train ticket (I live several hundred miles away) as otherwise she couldn’t afford it. However, if I’m working in London or near the south east, I can crash at her place (I have the keys) as often as I want and I’ve often stayed at her place when she’s been away on holiday etc. It pisses my DH off that I buy take away if she’s there when I stay and that she never offers to cook for me.

So, the current bone of contention. I’ve always given her my cast of IT equipment. I’m a bit of a gadget freak and often upgrade just because I can.

Earlier this year, I realized I didn’t use my ipod touch as all my music was on my phone – so I gave it to her and she uses it every day.

I have a laptop that had been sitting unused for nearly two years (was top of the range mac book pro about four years ago so still more than useful) so when her’s died I said she could have a loan of mine on the understanding that should I ever need it back for work (I’m freelance IT consultant) I could. I seriously doubt I ever would need it and if it were just up to me I’d give it to her but it was a “loan” to appease DH. He’s now belly aching that I could sell it for £350 on ebay or to a neighbor of my mother’s whose just broken his. I’d rather she use it than sell it for £350. We don’t need the money.

So, I’m now selling my ipad air as I’m upgrading mine to the ipad pro next week. With it is a keyboard I paid £100 for but to be honest, I doubt I’d get much second hand. She recently got given an ipad air for her birthday by her mother so when I sell mine to one of those buy your mobile companies, I’m going to give her the keyboard that I used. DH is adamant I should either charge her for it or let it sit on the shelf rather than she have it. I gave her my original iPad 1 – the very original that came out in 2010 back in 2012 and she used it until it gave up the ghost this year. What I’m trying to say with that is, she doesn’t just take things for granted and is genuinely appreciateive.

I think DH is just being spiteful he thinks she’s a freeloading twunt. I love my DH but he is the kind who would try to sell sand to Arab’s and charge them double the market price if he could get away with it.

Who is being unreasonable?

I think you have been very considerate of your DH by using MN to check and see if you're doing wrong by him in anyway. But I honestly don't think you are. It sounds like other issues are pushing in and not letting him see this for what it is. You sound like a lovely wife and friend.

I don't see how it's his business. I'd tell him to butt out.

He is mean

What a shame

So landlord gives her cheap rent, parents fund her holiday abroad, friends fund her nights out, you fund her trips to you, takeaways, and keep her supplied with IT equipment.

She's doing pretty well out of the goodwill of others isn't she.

Actually, if it was just you doing the giving, I'd shout 'freeloader'. However, what you said about you having free access to her flat - well if you want to translate that into monetary terms, that's worth a shedload, no? Free accommodation in London, and presumably 'nice comfy' not sh*tty hotel at inflated prices. Can't your DH understand that? Either way, its your stuff. She's your friend. You are both happy with doing things this way, so carry on.

You being able to afford to give your tech away instead of selling it is rubbing his nose in the fact that you earn twice what he does so he is acting out.

Sad that some men think like that, but many do. I wouldnt be at all surprised to find that he resents the fact that you earn so much more than him.

"He may wonder just how much of your life you will give away to her. How much of your joint possessions she will be given. Yes joint possessions:"

Gosh, so being married means you don't have any personal possessions?

I knew there was a good reason I've never wanted to get married!

OP you sound really kind and generous.

I tend to give stuff away as well and am delighted if it finds a new home and is still being used, rather than chucked in landfill or whatever.

Haven't actually got much spare cash at the moment but when I did I enjoyed treating friends and family. I used to do a similar job to you and I felt lucky to be in an industry that was paying me a generous salary.

I guess you and your dh need to talk this through though if you aren't in agreement on it.

Yanbu

I do the same all the time. What goes around comes around, if I'm not using something I'd rather give it away than sell etc.

I think you sound like a kind friend and your DH.... well, he isn't.

Not sure about the 'selling sand to Arabs' turn of phrase though - I'm half Arab and was a bit when I saw it!

No, Bertrand. Though it obviously pleases you to read that into what I posted. Taking just that one part, where it is blindingly obvious I was offering a possible explanation for how OPs DH may be mean, but also be more protective of his wife's well being than that of a possibly free-loading friend.

Nicely snipped and presented out of context. I am not really sure how you thought that would help OP. But it does make your point! You prefer to score points than help

In any partnership means each person has equal call on the joint assets. If one person is continually passing them out of the partnership why wouldn't that be a potential problem?

I am going against the grain here.

Why on earth is she a freeloader?

She earns a relatively small salary and pays rent to live in an expensive area presumably because she needs to work. She may be a very good tenant that the landlord doesn't want to use.

She doesn't ask the OP for these things they are willingly offered and gratefully accepted. I'd gratefully accept them too.

She earns an average wage which probably covers her living needs but doesn't stretch to holidays without some support. Her parents gladly provide this (as would mind if they had money) it's what you do for your loved ones.

Calling her a free loader is pretty crap tbh.

Some of you wouldn't be happy unless she was missing meals to pay for seeing her parents or a friend.

So she's made some bad decisions in the past...anyone else here made a "bad decision" in getting hooked up with an abusive partner? Or are you all perfect.

She may have been left with all kinds of issues that nobody including the OP is aware of.

OP YANBU, your property and your decision.

i can see sort of where he is coming from then you mentioned the flat and having the keys a takeaway doesn't cost much and as for the rest of it as far as i can see its your old stuff you can give it to whom you wish cant you?

DH does quite well out of me and my job. Example, if I work abroad short term, he gets to go with me usually for the cost of the flight. he works in an industry where he gets 17 weeks off a year so can often join me. I don't really want to say what he does in case it outs me with the other facts I've put down - his industry is very incestuous in everyone knows everyone else.

The house we live in (although in his name as my credit record got shot when I extricated myself from my ex and would have screwed the mortgage chances) we can only afford because of me etc etc.

We manage to save after expenses about 6K a month so I can't see why he's bothered about the whole thing.

i've tried talking to him but I think the thing is, he doesnt really like her.

It has nothing to do with your DH! You can give your things to whoever you please and as long as you are happy with your relationship then he should butt out.

Just wondering why she doesn't rent our her spare room if it's a two bed flat. I just say this, because I know lots of skint families in London squeezing into small places.

You probably wouldn't get that much for second hand electronics. But they are your gadgets, therefore yours to give. If you passed an old gadget to one his family members it would probably calm your DH down. But that's just me being quite tactical.

It depends how your finances are organised. For DH and I we pool most of our money into joint account then we get separate own spending funds.

If DH had bought something on his own, then it's absolutely his decision what he then chooses to do with it, if however it's something that was paid for out of joint funds then I get a say.

That's the principle. The reality is that most of our "old" IT stuff gets passed on to DH's nephews which I'm ok with. They think DH is kind and generous but don't consider that it's a joint donation. But fine, whatever, it's faaaammmilly innit. In your case your DH has no ties to your friend so I can see why he's a bit annoyed about losing quite substantial sums of money from resale, but as I say above it totally depends on how you split your pot.

You sounds like a kind friend OP, but I can see your DH's point of view as well.

Not everything is jointly owned in a marriage, ffs. How ridiculous.

I think what you do is lovely op I would not and do not sell old stuff without offering it to friends first . The saying in our house is 'it's nice to be nice'

He sounds awful.

You sound lovely.

HTH

Ah just seen your update on your £6k savings per month. In that case he's being ridiculous.

Good grief. DH does quite well out of me and my job. and with that, and what followed, you lost me. I suspect if he knew you thought of him like that, you'd lose him too.

yanbu. She's an old friend, and even if she weren't hard up but it was just of-use to her, you'd probably give her the stuff because she's a friend and you don't need it. My DH once gave away a 6 year old car to a friend (who definitely did not need the money) - I was a bit miffed when the friend wanted it before we emigrated & would maybe have given it to charity but otherwise not really that concerned.

"In any partnership means each person has equal call on the joint assets. If one person is continually passing them out of the partnership why wouldn't that be a potential problem?"

But I genuinely don't understand why they are joint assets.........

Not everything is jointly owned in a marriage, ffs. How ridiculous Isn't it?

Now, I'd agree that my teddy bear is mine. DHs 50 yard swimming certificate is his. But the other stuff, the stuff we bought within our marriage. That is all jointly owned.

If we split up we might choose to designate his and hers, but it is all ours in law!