Use of child death as an analogy for sense of loss should be punishable by wearing a dimwit hat for ever more

[wibblies]

Fucking Liz Fraser in the weekend guardian is the latest in a long line of journalists and writers who seem to think this is ok.

Here's a sample of what she has to say in her article about her sense of loss in watching her children grow from primary age into teenagers:

"When the joy goes - and it does, because life moves on and you can’t play peek-a-boo with a 12-year-old who wants to play Minecraft with his similarly zit-infested mates – it feels like bereavement."

"Those young children are dead now. They are gone."

"The bereavement is long, slow and refreshed every day."

Just so you know, Liz Fraser, watching a child grow up as it gets older is really not anything like not watching a child grow up because the child is dead. I know this, because I've tried them both.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who notices this shit? Please tell me you recognise that it's not the fucking same at all? That it's not even a tiny bit similar and that it's crass in the extreme to suggest it?

As well as tweeting her I have sent her a link to an article about loss with the words "Read this article then ask yourself how you could be so thoughtless"

WARNING: VERY sensitive article. Proceed with caution!

Thing is, in the article, she also says about the early years:

When our children are very young we think we are living in hell. So many times I wished those years were over. Over and over.And over again.We all do.

Do we? I mean, I had my moments, but I wouldn't describe the early years as Hell (and I was a broke, working lone parent!) just as I wouldn't describe the middle years as feeling like a bereavement. .maybe this journo just doesn't like being a parent very much in general?

And I don't recognise the characterisation of how her children have changed. Mine isn't 12 yet but he is as funny and cuddly and daft as he was at 4, and I know we will always be able to make each other laugh. I also don't think he will look at me with "contempt" more than once.
I feel a bit sorry for the miserable cow.

Yanbu. for you.

I watch my dd 15 and ds 13 growing up and into young adults and celebrate the fact that they have become such lovely young people. Never once did it cross my mind I was suffering from any type of bereavement I loved it when they were young but equally am loving it now they are older. Thank god I don't have to listen to another episode of Jay Jay the jet plane and we can all go to the cinema and watch the latest bond movie together instead.

Maybe if she had sat through every episode of Thomas the Tank engine or read every Fairy what ever books she could actually find, that them growing up was a cause for jubilation. Or am I the only one who found the High School Musical CD which played in a loop in the car for several months annoying as Hell

I have just tweeted the Guardian and would urge others to do the same.

It's horrendous to use that analogy and very very hurtful. Seems its quite common though - DH had an appointment with a new CPN who told him his computer had broken and 'it was like losing a child'. Interesting as DH suffered a breakdown after the death of our DS, and that was one of the maiun reasons he was under the Mental Health Team. Crass on so many levels.

Bloody awful. My ex used to say if he lost his dog 'it would be like losing a child' fucking twat. He's a father too!

It's staggeringly stupid. That is some thick writer.

I cant understand how it got to print.

I read the article too and thought it utterly thoughtless and off the mark. Completely and utterly not a bereavement. More of a privilege to be lucky enough to see them grow up. The absolute opposite of a bereavement.

Also I never felt the early years was living in hell. Sometimes it was somewhat tough but mostly it was happy and fun.

Her books are all like this too. And they all seem to think we all have an eating disorder too. There's helpful advice about how to explain to your dds why you're having a plate of vegetables when everyone else is having the family meal. Err I think you'll find you can't hide it Liz and actually for the rest of us sharing a family meal is normal, healthy and (gasp) enjoyable. Sorry I know that's off topic - just a personal irritant!

I'll tweet too.

A bit of a poignant and relevant quote from the article I posted....

"I miss my son every day. I think of him several times a day but I no longer miss him as a baby, I now miss the eight-year-old boy who should be causing havoc and winding up his sisters."

It makes me so much angrier that this woman could even think writing what she did is OK

Jesus that is beyond awful.

Many of us have suffered bereavements - family, friends, pets, colleagues, acquaintances. But the death of a child is just too awful to contemplate. Even before having ds 8 months ago it was painful to imagine. Now I can't imagine anything worse.

How can anyone - especially someone who has DC and "know" that love and that bond - be so cruel and thoughtless?

As for the comments sections, half the posters saying to others: oh when you're kids are teenagers you'll understand.

Er no. My kids are teenagers, I understand irritation, yes, but grief and long slow bereavement? WTAF are they talking about?

Woah, REALLY MNHQ???? Moving?

Posted 10 mins ago, while this thread is ongoing.

What an utterly stupid woman.

I can understand you get fleeting pangs of "loss" for your growing children's past but to compare that to grief, which is heart renching, physically painful and all encompassing for years??

It's like comparing the pain from a finger paper cut with that of having your arm cut off.

I read that article and noticed exactly the same thing. Liz Fraser needs to properly understand why she has upset so many people, accept it was appallingly lazy and thoughtless journalism, and apologise.

Yanbu at all. That article is beyond belief it's so thoughtless.

My eldest is 16 and yes you can be whistful about the baby days and younger years but actually it's a privilege to see him growing into a young man. A bit wierd that my baby boy towers over me and physically looks like a man but actually it's amazing that I grew and nurtured this boy (and his siblings).

The worst thing imaginable is not seeing your child grow up, them being robbed of that opportunity?

And no I haven't wished away the younger years either, at times I have found it hard, but all the ages and stages come with their own challenges but also their own joy.

Liz Fraser has always been like this. I read her books whenI was pregnant and immediately felt like a bad parent before I'd even given birth.

She has always come across as insufferably smug but maybe it's masking the fact that she secretly hates parenting? God knows but that article was just beyond the pale. I'm so very very sorry to everyone who's lost a baby or child . Just utter utter thoughtlessness.

My heart goes out to you all whose darling children have died . My last child has recently left home for uni. I miss him loads, as I do my other son who left home a while ago. It can be bitter sweet reminiscing but not in a million years could my feeling be described as a bereavement.

The woman is bat shut crazy.

Dreadful! So tactless!

Have tweeted her too. Jesus Christ.

Can't believe all the comments on the article/tweets saying it's great!!!

Keep up with your own boards too HQ!

Also to say the article was written with so little warmth or perspective wasn't it?

As if none of us might know a friend, colleague, or family member who has experienced real bereavement of a child or young person. Or experienced it ourselves.

As if we can all be expected to be quite that thick and narrow viewed, and living in our own isolated Mummy bubbles?

Mumsnet HQ please take that down

I think Liz Frazer is quite in with mumsnet hq.

Sorry for your loss.

YANBU. It's an appallingly insensitive and offensive thing to write. The thought of one of my children dying is horribly painful to even contemplate, and I can't begin to imagine how terrible it would be to have it actually happen.

My children are still very young, so I don't know what it's like to be at the stage where they don't need me any more - but that's a natural part of children growing up, and all being well, I hope to see them growing up into independent adults.

It's in no way comparable to a bereavement where you'll never see your child again, never see them growing older and never have a relationship with them when they're grown adults.

Bad call HQ.....