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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a man has an affair, he should at least have the decency to be discreet?

61 replies

downandoutlorelai · 02/11/2015 21:16

Exactly that really. DP had an emotional affair (non sexual, but they did kiss) with a slightly younger OW. All has been forgiven, but I have just found out he wasn't exactly being discreet and some of his close friends are aware after he confided in them. The affair happened a while ago, but I am annoyed he told people and further annoyed it still seems to be a topic of conversation amongst them 1 year later.

Only saving grace is that when OW is mentioned amongst his friends it is in a negative light.

AIBU to be peeved?

OP posts:
WhatamessIgotinto · 02/11/2015 21:29

Peeved? I think I'd be a little more peeved about him snogging someone else and having an 'emotional' affair than I would about his inability to stop bragging about it. Did he tell his mates because he thought they'd be impressed?.

MorrisZapp · 02/11/2015 21:30

Why are the friends negative about her?

AnyFucker · 02/11/2015 21:30

Ugh

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 02/11/2015 21:35

So you are surprised that you're DH is showing a total lack of respect for you, having already engaged in behaviour which showed a total lack of respect for you?

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 02/11/2015 21:35

YOUR

jesus

AnnaMarlowe · 02/11/2015 21:43

So it's ok that he betrayed your trust as long as he didn't tell anyone?

I think, in your position, I'd want to carefully consider why that was ok with me.

As for bad mouthing the OW, that leaves an unpleasant taste in my mouth. Your 'D'H is fine and dandy, just one of the lads but she's gets bad mouthed. Equality in action right there.

His crime is surely greater than hers as he broke his wedding vows.

itsmeohlord · 02/11/2015 21:46

So you are annoyed he told people, but not annoyed he had an affair and betrayed you. But its all OK now because the OW is badmouthed? How does that work?

TimeToMuskUp · 02/11/2015 21:56

If he felt confident enough about it to mention it to friends, I'd bet my left leg he felt confident that all would be forgiven. Which speaks volumes.

elQuintoConyo · 02/11/2015 22:00

'A man who has an affair' and 'decency' really don't belong in the same sentence, do they?

He sounds like a total Richard Cranium.

timelytess · 02/11/2015 22:02

Oh, get rid of him. He lies, he cheats. I don't care if his OW is the Hound of the Baskervilles, he still put her ahead of you and let all his friends know that. Come to your senses and see the back of him.

tallwivglasses · 02/11/2015 22:02

OP, I get it, you've deal with it and yet it rears its ugly head again. It's the humiliation, isn't it? Knowing that god-knows-who has chatted, gossiped (laughed?) about it, maybe laughed at or pitied you? I've been there, it's horrible. And I'd have probably been quite relieved they didn't have anything positive to day about her, too.

Infidelity. It's the gift that just keeps giving Sad Have you talked to him about it?

OddlyLogical · 02/11/2015 22:04

So an emotional affair is ok but a lack of discretion about it isn't?
It's all about your pride. You can deal with his affair because you can bury it deep in your mind, but other people knowing makes it real.
I hope it works for you.

BolshierAryaStark · 02/11/2015 22:05

I think that perhaps your view on this is a little skewed tbh Hmm

BabyGanoush · 02/11/2015 22:16

They just kissed Hmm

because they are ...13?

How likely is this really? Are you believing what you want to believe? ("It meant nothing!" (lies) and "we just kissed a bit" (more lies))

Fairenuff · 02/11/2015 22:22

Of course they're only go to say negative things in your presence. You have no clue of what they say when you're not there.

Scarletforya · 02/11/2015 22:25

Yeah right, they just kissed. That's what they all say OP.

CassieBearRawr · 02/11/2015 22:27

Affair and decent hardly belong in the same sentence.

Original poster
downandoutlorelai · 02/11/2015 22:28

Difficult to articulate in words, but yes, the affair traumatised me. It wasn't easy to forgive him and try to move on, but I made the decision too. I thought we could move on.

What grates me is that it seems he hasn't moved on as he is still talking about it with other people. From what I gather from acquaintances, he has nothing positive to say about her, but why talk about her at all? Is that not telling in itself?

He may not be physically doing the cheating anymore, but is this not just an extension of the mental/psychological cheating?

OP posts:
Shutthatdoor · 02/11/2015 22:33

You talk about his affair and OW 'with aquaitancies' Hmm

You say why is he talking about her well why are you doing the same?

Original poster
downandoutlorelai · 02/11/2015 22:37

I don't talk about her or the affair. People that I consider to be his friends but not mine (hence acquaintances), talk to me.

OP posts:
penguinplease · 02/11/2015 22:39

He talks about it because he hasn't forgotten her. He doesn't sound very ashamed!

BeeRayKay · 02/11/2015 22:42

She's doing the same because her head is a mess, and she needs outside perspectives to help her see the wood from the trees.

Scarletforya · 02/11/2015 22:45

He's can't help himself talking about her: mentionitis.

Bubblesinthesummer · 02/11/2015 22:45

I don't talk about her or the affair. People that I consider to be his friends but not mine (hence acquaintances), talk to me

I'd be telling them not to talk to me about it if I was you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/11/2015 22:56

non sexual, but they did kiss
And you know that, how?

From what I gather from acquaintances, he has nothing positive to say about her, but why talk about her at all?
She must be a bad person who made him cheat. Oh she is just like all those nasty OW, making perfectly good men behave badly with their bewitching cheat inducing ways. It's not his fault at all. Oh no. She is bad. He is good. Maybe he is trying to convince himself of that. Or other people.

Let's hope he doesn't meet another one of these temptresses, eh?

I'd be more worried that he is slagging off someone who he was apparently willing to risk his marriage for. Doesn't say much for him does it? Or you.

What if he met a nice person who he liked and everything?