To think the attitudes of some MNetters towards extended family at Christmas very dispiriting

[welliesandleaves]

There just seems to be a lot of threads here at the moment where posters are being advised to 'do whatever suits you' at Christmas, regardless of how much it hurts the feelings of parents or parents in law.

I realise that sometimes it's just not possible for families to be together on Christmas day, but I actually feel my heart breaking for some of the elderly people who are being left on their own, not because they're toxic or anti social, but because their grown up children or children in law simply can't be bothered to include them. All these comments about wanting to spend Christmas 'with my own family'.

AIBU to find this very depressing and selfish. Surely 'family' includes parents, regardless of whether you now have a partner and children of your own.

On most of the threads the 'elderly people' - many of whom will be in the 55 to 65 age bracket and wouldn't appreciate your choice of words - are not being left 'alone.'

Elderly at 55 to 65? Bloody hell, 55 isn't elderly, it's middle aged. 75 is old, 80 is elderly not that I am anywhere near 55 of course, oh no

I think sometimes the grandparents can't let go of hosting Christmas and leave adult children and Grandkids to spend hours of Christmas Day on the motorway. Christmas is a time for everyone yes but GP's could make more concessions such as coming to the adult children or staying in a hotel if space is limited.

I'm not talking about the poster with the bedridden DF that is an exceptional circumstance but just in general

No, not elderly. I meant that MNers parents and ILs might well be closer to 60 than 80.

I am always amazed by those who think their DH is a foundling and don't think they get a family!
When I married DH he got my whole extended family- they were not an option. I got his.
I am also amazed by those whose parents don't mix with DH's parents - so much simpler ( not to mention nice for the children) to have them all at the same time.
However, I don't think that you want to go driving all over the country once you have children - much simpler to stay at home and have people come to you.
I couldn't leave someone alone at Christmas.

YANBU. Quite agree. Christmas is for everyone, and it's sad if people are purposefully excluded. This is not Christmas spirit.

However, on the topic of the men's side of the family being 'sidelined', this simply happens, not because I withhold my DH, but because he is not inclined to extend any substantial effort to interact with his family, even though he loves them all very much. I put effort in to spoil my DM, DF, DBro, and DSDs and while I choose, buy & wrap all the presents for both sides, and do all the Christmas cards and 'remind' my truly lovely DSDs to send their cards to DMIL, I will not be responsible for cajoling DH to be more interactive with his family. We normally only visit them when I push DH to arrange a visit, or he calls them when I ask when the last time he phoned. Please don't default to blaming the wives, some of us have very loving but lazy husbands who need constant reminding and cajoling.

You are not elderly until at least 80yrs!

Met

I think both my grandmothers would disagree. They're in their 70's and consider themselves elderly but not old!

Hate That's OK then...except I am closer to 60 than my mother is. Oh dear, that's not good.

Depends on why they're being left alone. I find generally people that have good relationships with these elder relatives do go to visit them if they're able. I always make time for the people I love if it's possible.

Most times though it's a matter of harvesting the seeds they've sowed their whole lives. Being old doesn't suddenly forgive a lifetime of mistakes.

YANBU - however - it must be recognised that some people are happy to be on their own at Christmas - my parents (in their 80s) and I almost fall over in politeness at 'we would love you to join us but fully understand if you would rather be at home' sort of conversations .

I am genuinely looking forward to spending a different sort of Christmas when my DS leaves home - perhaps volunteering (which we have done as a family) and hope that I won't be 'obliged' to accept future invites from my adult DS and possible DIL.

When I married DH he got my whole extended family- they were not an option. I got his.

He got my whole extended family, because they're important to me. DH isn't close to his family, so I left it up to him who he wanted to see and supported it. I still send Christmas cards to his side even though he's indifferent to them

Bakingaddict I've had similar conversations with friends and other family members of my generation. We pretty much all grew up spending Christmas at home and then grandparents being invited over. Our parents also grew up having Christmas in their own homes. I do think our parents generation can sometimes find it difficult giving up being the host. Parents are invited over but they say oh no we don't want to cause you extra work why doesn't eveyone come here.

Everyday, I agree with you even though I am now that MIL! Despite bringing up 3 lovely hardworking responsible sons living around the world, I am now c sidelined at Christmas as they want to please their wives who want to spend time with their parents. I know they all love me and I grit my teeth and smile as I am aware that they don't have the same attachments in adulthood to their mum as their female partners do. If you see what I mean, not sure I explained that very well. I am not generalising though, as my step daughters husbands do divide their time at holidays more evenly.
I have posted on here before about adult sons and have decided just to "suck it up".
However, if I were elderly and on my own over the Christmas period, I would no doubt feel differently.

We spent the first 3 Christmasses after our DD was born being torn every which way and running ourselves ragged to keep both sets of parents happy because they were too self-obsessed to worry about what we and our DD might need/want.

Our parents are generally a supportive and generous bunch, but MIL was used to being the matriarch/she who must be obeyed when it came to the festive season (even when it involved her being 3.5 hours away at BIL's we were expected to join them), and my mum, understandably to some extent, felt that as she and my dad have no other family (I'm an only, DH is one of three) they should take priority.

By the time DD was old enough to know what it was all about we had had enough and told them we would be having Christmas day home alone. We've always welcomed them if they want to drop into us but we don't leave our house.

That said, we (me, DH, DD and my parents) are off to the IL's this year as both BILs are otherwise engaged. Given that DH normally avoids my mum as much as possible, DM and MIL have had some humdingers in the past and FIL suffers with panic attacks in groups of people, God only know how that will end up. Both Mums are teetotal so I am currently trying to decide whether to take advantage and get plastered, or to stay sober myself in case we need to make a quick getaway!

I do understand where you're coming from but this year I've decided to do just that , spend Christmas Day with just dh and dcs. I am an anxious person and the thought of being obliged to spend Christmas with a load of extended family makes me quite nervous .

The dcs will of course see everybody over the Christmas period. I'm not depriving them of seeing their family but I don't think you necessarily have to spend the day with anyone just because it's Christmas Day.

There are posters on here who were born in the 90s. It's brutal.

Wellies is this aimed at me?

What I find dispiriting about these threads is the assumption that elderly people have no opinions of their own.

Often as Hatethis22 points out they aren't even that old! In other threads the elderly person has made it quite clear what that want but we all decide we know better than them, and 'they can't be left alone'. We also get the scenario where the elderly person has spent the last 60 years being an abusive git and ruining everyone else's Christmas but apparently they mustn't be left alone even though the rest of the year the family would cross the street to avoid them. The threads where GPs are keeping several generations coming to them for Christmas even though that's not what they did and everyone hates it are also very common.

Once you've reached 80+ years on this planet I think you've earned the right to know your own mind about whether or not you want to be alone at Christmas or not. It is sad when not everyone who wants to can make it to an extended family Christmas but it does not necessarily mean the other family members are heartless.

Sure. IF you don't end up in a state of Christmas martyrdom, hosting/cooking/cleaning/running yourself ragged for people you don't actually want to spend time with but feel you ought to. And, let's face it, not everyone gets on well with parents. Parents might not get on with partners, step-children, whatever. There are so many variables that it is a bit simplistic to say that no-one should be left on their own at Christmas.

Or else you spend hours schlepping up and down motorways because elderly people can't/won't travel and expect everyone else to up sticks and drag small children the length and breadth of the country.

If it works for you, fine. If it doesn't then it doesn't.

My parents and in-laws simply WOULD NOT travel at Christmas. Perfectly capable and invites were extended - but WE had to do the travelling. Regardless of the weather, young children, animals to tend to that couldn't be left alone too long, how late we had finished work on Christmas Eve etc etc. In the end I had had enough and said if you want to see us at Christmas you know where we live.

We leaving my mother alone at Christmas, as she hates it and makes it miserable for the rest of us, with her moaning and complaining. It just puts a dampner on things and ruins it for the kids and us. She called me childish last Christmas, as I like to make it soecial fir the kids, with stockings, mince pies for Santa and nice Christmas dinner. So we are having her stay for the week before Christmas and going home just before.

There must be a reason people don't want to spend Christmas with such family members. Even if the relationship isn't abusive/ toxic presumably it's not great - if spending time with someone is better than spending it without them why wouldn't you want to spend Christmas together?

Presumably for people who choose not to spend Christmas with family members time spent with them is worse than time spent without. In that case I don't think they should feel forced to spend Christmas together out of duty.

It's sad if people have to spend Christmas alone (unless it's out of choice) but I would question why they have no friends/ family who like them enough to want to spend time with them. Sometimes it might be the family being selfish but it could also be the older family member being difficult to get on with or negative.

Or it might just be a case of logistics. Some older people struggle to travel but don't have any family living nearby. Should a family with young children really be expected to either stay with relatives overnight or spend half of Christmas Day in the car visiting such relatives? Obviously sometimes that is an option that works but it's understandable that's not how some people want to spend it.

For me I guess bottom line is I would put my DC's Christmas above any adult's. Christmas is, in my mind, all about kids. For children Christmas is magical but as an adult it's to some extent it's just another day - for several years after becoming an adult but before I had DD it was a very low key affair as there were no children in my family. Luckily I'm not in this position but I'd rather an adult relative had Christmas alone than my children have it spoilt by a miserable guest or having to spend long hours in the car visiting relatives instead of being at home enjoying overdosing on chocolate and new toys.

Obviously the ideal is for everyone to be together and have a great day but it's there are lots of reasons that can't always be the case for some families.

In some cases maybe it's a case of selfishness but I think in most it's much more complex than that.

I totally agree with everything rather, for a lot of people, it is stressful, trying to please ungrateful peeople and putting yiyrself last. You do have to do what suits you.

I'm on the fence.

Of course YANBU. Although it depends on the family and the relationships within it.

I say that from 4 hellish Christmases with my XH, his Parents And GPs.
We had to go there every year, because it's 'what you do'. Which would have been lovely if they were actually nice people

The general theme is "don't be selfish and uncaring towards your relatives at Christmas". But does this only work one way though? The 'selfish' expectations should apply to all members of the family, not just the younger family members.
Why is it deemed selfish if a young couple want to spend their Christmas together, doing things that may not appeal to other generations, but it's not selfish for the eldest relatives to expect their whole family to gather and spend Christmas the way they want it to?

I accept that my judgment may be clouded on this as I was married to a twunt whose family ruined Xmas every bloody year

Yes, you definitely got your age brackets wrong there. My dmum is mid 60s and very very young as far as I'm concerned!

I would love to have everyone over including PIL unfortunately every time we ask them they seem to hold out for their favourite son to invite them - and then force themselves into their celebrations if they don't!

Last year dm was away and it was lovely just us as I drank champagne from 9am and changed into pjs at about 1pm but nothing is like having a house full of people on Christmas day and I've already arranged my table linen for this year because we have guests! I absolutely love cooking, hosting and making sure everyone is happy at Christmas though no other time of the year

YANBU

One poster gave me a giggle when I said that putting up with boring and annoying relatives and pretending to be thrilled at receiving ugly socks at Christmas was part of the experience and it should all be embraced. She said she felt very sorry for me if that was my experience (I'm sure) and that her own Christmases were nothing but endless serenity, joy and peace and I was obviously lacking in my life. I laughed then and I'm laughing now.