To think the attitudes of some MNetters towards extended family at Christmas very dispiriting

[welliesandleaves]

There just seems to be a lot of threads here at the moment where posters are being advised to 'do whatever suits you' at Christmas, regardless of how much it hurts the feelings of parents or parents in law.

I realise that sometimes it's just not possible for families to be together on Christmas day, but I actually feel my heart breaking for some of the elderly people who are being left on their own, not because they're toxic or anti social, but because their grown up children or children in law simply can't be bothered to include them. All these comments about wanting to spend Christmas 'with my own family'.

AIBU to find this very depressing and selfish. Surely 'family' includes parents, regardless of whether you now have a partner and children of your own.

[Savagebeauty]

I've had several Xmas days alone and loved it.
My ex is likely to be alone on Xmas day. Even the dcs don't want to see him.
There's a man who has reaped what he has sown.

[welliesandleaves]

I did specify in my opening post that I was talking about situations where Parents or Parents in Law were being left hurt and lonely on Christmas Day. Not ones where someone wants to be left on their own because they enjoy it. They are two totally and completely different scenarios, and one doesn't excuse the other.

[MrsKoala]

Not being cheeky SilverOldie - but can't/don't you do that every day? I think what people struggle with is the thought that the day wont be 'different' or 'special' for someone and by that they mean filled with people (i can't think of much worse tbh but others seem to like big family occasions). For me to make the day enjoyable and 'different' from how i spend every other day of the year is not having to worry about other people, not having to chase around accommodating others and not having to cook (everything is coming ready made by sainsbo this year - it isn't as nice, but i get more pleasure from not having to cook and shop than i would if the food was slightly nicer and homemade and i was frazzled).

DH always struggled with the fact that if we didn't go up to PILs for xmas they wouldn't make any effort to make the day different and wouldn't celebrate or decorate or eat anything different. They wouldn't come to us. So it meant we always had to go to them if we didn't want them to be 'miserable' (or just normal/how they were every other day). I was fine with them not celebrating if they didn't want to, but DH couldn't bear it, so it loomed large over us even if we didn't go, and when we did go we were miserable anyway. It was a lose lose.

[minifingerz]

Thurlow - I feel exactly as you do.

[goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal]

I think elderly people who have been effectively abandoned by their families are deserving of pity/sorrow. But why Christmas is such a big deal I'm not so sure. If you don't speak to a relative for the other 364 days a year, why is Christmas the deal breaker?

Christmas ISN'T about family. It might be to the OP, and to many others, but there is no rule set down stating that this is the case. Christmas is about whatever you want it to be. Years ago people would be arguing that Christmas was about religion, and people should be prioritising time spent at mass and doing charitable work - not sitting on their arses stuffing quality street into their mouths and buying their kids hundreds of toys.

At the end of the day it's just a bank holiday, and if people choose to spend it with their immediate family rather than all of sundry, then it's really no-one else's business.

I'd also agree with a previous poster who said that it's ridiculous to blame a DIL for you not attending Christmas. If family is important to you, then it's your responsibility to raise your sons to maintain close family links, to understand that Christmas is a shared responsibility and not just something for the wife to sort out. Why is it the DIL responsibility to keep the links on his behalf and add to her stress load by cooking/organising.present buying for X extra number of people, when her husband clearly DGAF?

I really can't understand why anyone would clutch so tightly at their pearls over something that has nothing to do with them!!

FWIW I always spend christmas with family and can't imagine doing otherwise.

[welliesandleaves]

It's easy to say that Christmas isn't about family, but when you look around you the vast majority of people are spending that day with family or with very close friends. People fly in from abroad to be with family, the supermarkets are rammed with people stocking up for a big family meal, adverts centre around families enjoying Christmas together, Christmas films usually end with all the family sitting around the table pulling crackers.

Of course people who have no family, or are ignored by their family on that day, are entitled to feel upset and lonely and overlooked. It's not 'just another day' 'just a bank holiday'. It is perceived very differently to an ordinary Sunday or bank holiday by society, no matter how much some people try to insist it's nothing special.

[SilverOldie2]

You're quire right MrsKoala and not cheeky, that is what I do every day, except I make an effort with the food - free range chicken (usually only buy breasts), make my own stuffing and pigs in blankets, prepare all the veg, make my own profiteroles for pudding - yum. Oh and not forgetting a nice bottle of champagne, opened rather earlier in the day than it should be

I must say the thought of a day filled with people fills me with horror.

You have my sympathy about visiting people on Christmas Day when you would rather be at home. My DM, from about the age of 60 would insist I spent Christmas with them and a various assortment of people because 'I may die next year and then you would be sorry'. She was 94 when she died so I think I deserve my solitary Christmas Days

[goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal]

wellies - yes, but just because it's a special family occasion for many people, doesn't mean that everybody MUST have the same vision of spending christmas with reams of extended family, and if they don't, then they are selfish and wrong and terrible human beings.

People aren't obliged to live their lives according to the outlook of the OP just because that's what she feels people should do.

If a couple have a good relationship with their families, and spend time together throughout the year, the fact of not spending christmas together doesn't suddenly morph them into selfish bastards. Likewise, if someone doesn't speak to their family, or treats them like shit, the act of having them over for christmas doesn't mean that they are suddenly wonderful family people.

[welliesandleaves]

But that's not what I was saying Goodness. I was talking about people saying 'it's just another day' 'it's not about family' as an excuse for not bothering to include parents in their day.

And I am the OP and clearly stated in my first post that I wasn't talking about families where serious problems exist.

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

WelliesandLeaves - I highlighted my in-laws who would be desperately hurt if we didn't invite them for Christmas, so we do invite them. Yet they have done absolutely nothing to endear themselves to me whatsoever, over a period of 30 years. I invite them for DP's sake. Our children hate it when they come, as they have never joined in with any of our Christmas games, never engaged with the DC when they were young. They sit and expect to be waited on hand and foot (have never even brought their dirty dishes out to the kitchen) and just want to watch the television (which we would not choose to do on Christmas Day). There is a part of me that thinks 'If you don't want to join in with the day to which you pretty much invite yourselves, then why bother? You should just stay in your own home'. That way, we'd all have a nicer day. It has even crossed my mind to suggest providing the plates of food for them, DP could deliver them, so they can stay in their own home, but I haven't managed to do that yet! All they do is moan when they're here, so what's the point of it? They just spoil it for us.

We love Christmas, because it's a day when we can do things which we normally don't do, like eat chocolate for breakfast and play silly games after lunch and spend quality time together, which is a rare thing. When the in-laws come, they spoil it. There - I've said it! They do, because all they want really is a free meal. They don't initiate conversation, we are all constantly racking our brains trying to think of something to say which might encourage them to join in.

We will never not invite them, but I would dearly love to say NO at times.

[DrasticAction]

If family is important to you, then it's your responsibility to raise your sons to maintain close family links, to understand that Christmas is a shared responsibility and not just something for the wife to sort out*

^ THIS x a billion. A billion

Sick of hearing dils being blamed for poor communication and loose family ties....

[welliesandleaves]

Well, in my opinions Evans you're doing the right thing and I hope you reap the rewards when your kids are older (although I know you'll be better company than your ILs )

[DrasticAction]

evans


In your situation i actually feel its really unfair to yourself and your dc to have them there.

There simply has to be some in put there has to be. Your in laws sounds extreme and its sad you feel you have to accommodate them. what does your DH say? Does he think its fair your xmas day is ruined?

[DrasticAction]

wellies

how is she doing the right thing? How!! Her in laws clearly do not enjoy it and op is allowing them to ruin the day for all!

In this instance I would say its totally wrong to keep putting up with it. Totally wrong and not fair on the dc.

Its a two way street.

We have a lovely guest but even he annoys me as refuses to play games which means he always dominates the conversation and it means its always rather adult for the dc.

I am seriously debating whether to invite him this year due to this, I would say , appreciate a compromise, he comes but for a short time, he has to join in!

I could simply not put all the effort and money into xmas without some compromise.

Some people are joy suckers and suck the joy out of life. Life, in case no one got the memo, is bloody short.

[DrasticAction]

in fact I bet wellies kids VOW never to have any miserable sods ruining xmas for their own dc like evans is allowing.

[sugar21]

I will be working but other than that I will be on my own, my dd lives too far away and My Mum and her new husband live abroad. If I didnt have to work I would hope for an invitation to dd and her Father but I know it won't happen but I will try to skype dd.

[Cheby]

I will confess to not having read the fulm thread, but isn't this just about whether you have good or bad relationships with your extended family?

I am hosting this year for the first time as we are now in a house instead of a flat. I invited my mum and her partner, his mother, my sister and her family, my MIL and her partner and my SIL and family. Siblings and families are doing their own thing, parents are coming to us. All fine.

I am excited to spend Christmas Day with them because I enjoy their company (not always the case with MIL but DD loves her and we all try to get along).

If I had parents who were horrible guests who wanted us to wait on them hand and foot, or who refused to join in or were grumpy and miserable or even if I just didn't get along with them very much, then I wouldn't invite them. Relationships are built up by both parties and if one person hasnt bothered then they shouldnt be surprised if they aren't invited for Christmas, or at any other time of the year.

[motherinferior]

I agree with MildVirago (and not only because I adore her name).

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

I allow it because DP wants them here. They're his parents, and can't see that they are sucking the joy out of the day. They want to be included, so he feels we have to include them. He breathes a sigh of relief once they're gone, though I would include my parents too, if they wanted to come, and if they were miserable sods, he would still be happy for them to be here. (They're not miserable sods, btw, they are actually quite fun and we have sensible lively conversation )

I'm looking forward to this Christmas, as the in-laws are going to his sister's. (YIPPEE). I might even buy a new board game to celebrate [santa]

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

But Drastic is right, completely.

[BaronessEllaSaturday]

And I am the OP and clearly stated in my first post that I wasn't talking about families where serious problems exist.

What classes as a serious problem though. I am resentful of the fact that expectation is always on me at Christmas. I am always expected to spend it with parents even if other siblings are also around. I resent the fact that as the eldest daughter I am the one who is expected to be dutiful and play the role my parents expect of me. If I ever had wanted to spend Christmas doing something else then the guilt and pressure put on me would have been unbearable. These days I host because it makes it just a bit easier for me, with being at home I can escape to my own sanctuary of my bedroom for some peace and quiet. I would love to have the strength to stand up and say no more, to put my dc first and give them a relaxing Christmas. No one truly knows what is a problem to the next person, people probably look at me and think she must love Christmas to do all that but truthfully I hate it, I wouldn't get upset if it got banned. I know the thread that prompted this one but I do wonder whether it is the expectation of always doing what others want that is the problem. Lack of choice can be stifling.

Evans I understand where you are coming from perfectly, it's not a pleasure it is a chore and Christmas should not be about that.

[DrasticAction]

I am the one who is expected to be dutiful and play the role my parents expect of me*

Thats no ones problem but your own. People expect all sorts of ridiculous things from other people adults, say NO.

[DrasticAction]

BTW being laden with guilt pressures doesnt go on forever its a fire to go through to get to the other side - we have done it.

[BaronessEllaSaturday]

I know I should say no but that is very hard after a lifetime of conditioning.