To think the attitudes of some MNetters towards extended family at Christmas very dispiriting

[welliesandleaves]

There just seems to be a lot of threads here at the moment where posters are being advised to 'do whatever suits you' at Christmas, regardless of how much it hurts the feelings of parents or parents in law.

I realise that sometimes it's just not possible for families to be together on Christmas day, but I actually feel my heart breaking for some of the elderly people who are being left on their own, not because they're toxic or anti social, but because their grown up children or children in law simply can't be bothered to include them. All these comments about wanting to spend Christmas 'with my own family'.

AIBU to find this very depressing and selfish. Surely 'family' includes parents, regardless of whether you now have a partner and children of your own.

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

@Evans, i would unplug the telly the night before and claim it wasn't working, i hate telly watching christmas day.
Also i don't let guests be waited on, give them jobs to do "Pil can you bring the plates out please".
My MIL thought she was a guest to begin with i quickly pointed out she wasn't a guest she was family.

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

PAQ - Haha! I would try that, but DP is a TV and aerial/satellite person, so he will know in a jiffy what is wrong ..... and fix it.

In-laws are in their 80s now, so I am a lot more tolerant of them not helping at all, and our DC are grown, so they help out more. It's just years of pandering to them, and I just don't get the feeling sorry for people who give nothing in return. Not all old people are sad-sacks, and if they are, some of them have brought it upon themselves.

[Jeffreythegiraffe]

There's no point being a martyr to relatives who don't appreciate it and are unhelpful, all for the sake of family. Why do it?

There are numerous threads every year by people who are run ragged whilst everyone sits and does nothing.

It's your Christmas too.

[Lottapianos]

'I resent the fact that as the eldest daughter I am the one who is expected to be dutiful and play the role my parents expect of me. If I ever had wanted to spend Christmas doing something else then the guilt and pressure put on me would have been unbearable.'

I hear you Baroness! Eldest child here too and I didn't spend one Christmas away from my parents' home until I was 30, purely out of guilt and obligation. After several years of therapy, the guilt is loads more manageable and this will be the third Christmas in a row that I won't be visiting my parents for Christmas. We have decided to spend Christmas at home, just me and DP, this year and its the first time since I've been an adult that I am genuinely looking forward to Christmas. Nothing to do with Christmas - we don't do Christmas as such and we'll just treat it like a normal bank holiday - but we will be free of obligation, duty, martyrdom, ridiculously high expectations all round and my MIL's incessant moaning!

Family means different things to different people. Family is the single greatest source of stress and misery in some people's lives. The fantasy of 'happy families' is just that for some people - a fantasy. It hurts, by the way. I would love to have a family I could enjoy spending time with, or at least have a pleasant enough relationship with. I don't, and neither does DP, and it hurts sometimes. But I'm done with the charade of playing the dutiful daughter / DIL with people for whom nothing is ever good enough. It feels very liberating to be planning a Christmas that we actually want for a change.

[drizellatremaine]

Isn't the message of Christmas, 'goodwill to all men'?
IMO, that's rather harder to practise in a sealed unit containing only the people who behave the way you want them to.
Obviously, as the poor OP has said countless times, this post isn't about families with toxic/abusive members, but those who feel their right to their 'own' Christmas trumps other responsibilities and kindnesses.
It is hard for those of us travelling long distances/ waiting on ungrateful relatives etc, no-one is denying that. As consolation, I like to see it as part of life's cycle I guess; this is how Christmas was for my mum, and one day perhaps I will get to be at home/waited on by DD/DS/Ddil/Dsil demanding the TV is on/off as I see fit....
Quite an oldfashioned & sentimental view, I do see that.

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

• this is how Christmas was for my mum, and one day perhaps I will get to be at home/waited on by DD/DS/Ddil/Dsil demanding the TV is on/off as I see fit....
  Quite an oldfashioned & sentimental view, I do see that.*
  
  christmas for my mum was at home, with visiting grandparents

[drizellatremaine]

I was giving a generalised view, not specific examples, as a way of pointing out that putting it in a wider context can make things seem more bearable.

[DrasticAction]

IMO, that's rather harder to practise in a sealed unit containing only the people who behave the way you want them to

Not how anyone wants them too, no, but there is a basic general understanding that at christmas we are supposed to have fun.

I can do this quite easily as most people I know can. we look forward to it, save for it, make a huge effort for our dc for it, make our houses look ultra lovely, look forward to treat food and nice things....People come round with a smile on their faces, usually bottle in hand, we drink, we relax and we well....party.....

SOME people are at least able to join in a little bit in some way, even a sweet smile now and then...but some are sour faced, hate xmas, hate spending a penny and dont enjoy it. they ruin it for everyone else.

[DrasticAction]

I also agree xmas is about goodwill to all men, but a caveat must be - does one have to entertain scrooge every single year with no let up from scrooge at all

[overthemill]

I see your point of view but families need to be flexible too. Also why the hypocrisy at Christmas when thousands of elderly people are left alone year round?

[drizellatremaine]

Yes I agree Drastic, and those people should think about spreading the goodwill too!

[DrasticAction]

yes drizzle and at what point does host, who has to endure this every year say - enough?

[Strictlyobsessed]

I tried to visit family but they live so far away and we did manage it with first child it was a struggle but with second and she was only 6 months I had to get them up, we opened presents but felt like I was rushing eldest to open presents she was 5 at the time, then got them ready/ dressed breakfast/ shut up house. I had packed suitcases night before as well as wrapping gifts, packed car drove 100 miles and when we got there everyone said why didn't you get here sooner?
We saw my extended family for a while then packed up again and drove a further 20 miles to see husbands family my eldest daughter just wanted to play with her toys but spent it in the car, once again when we got to husbands side everyone said where have you been we have all been waiting for you! I was exhausted trying to please everyone and it was then my husband said next year we have it on our own and that's what we have done ever since and its been so relaxing. I did feel guilty and when I told them my Aunt and mum looked crestfallen but I just couldn't do it but even now I feel guilty about it and it was a long time ago!
Yes eldest daughter here too!

[EvansOvalPiesYumYum]

Drizella one day perhaps I will get to be at home/waited on by DD/DS/Ddil/Dsil demanding the TV is on/off as I see fit....

I'm rather hoping I WON'T be one of those people.

[drizellatremaine]

Yes Evans, my tongue was in my cheek.
I'm sure I'll have drunk too much sherry to care what's on TV.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

Well, for the last 14 years we've had a 3 year rota where we'd spend Christmas with PIL, my parents, then home alone. DD is now 6yo and we had an amazing time at home last Christmas (she was 5), doing all the Santa stuff, we then realised we wouldn't do that again until she's 8yo! We've therefore decided to have a few years at home over Christmas while the DCs are little.

PIL and my parents are invited to ours over Christmas if they want (they didn't) so we're seeing them the weekend before and after Christmas). MIL is a little upset but when DH was small they had Christmas at home and family came to his parents in the afternoon, so they got to do all their own traditions with DH and his bro. We just want the opportunity to do that too.

We're 3hrs away from both sets of parents (in opposite directions) so a half day thing doesn't work for us although we would gladly host. I think extended family Christmases are easier when the extended family still live close together, unfortunately people are living a long way away from parents.

Plus both PIL and my parents are married or have new partners so aren't on their own. If they were elderly and alone then we'd be more insistent they stayed with us. But neither are sat at home on their todd eating a ready meal

[Loungeroomlizard]

Accommodation is a big issue for us. PIL live on the edge of civilisation (still in the UK, though), have no room for us to even sit down, let alone sleep, and local accommodation is prohibitively expensive. So we don't go there. They don't come here (though we invited them) for various issues and instead we're meeting up in some joyless travellodge over new year. We'll have a lovely Christmas at home just us and the DCs. Can't wait!

[Myfavouritebookis]

This thread is fascinating. Particularly as I have not yet been able to decide what to do for Christmas. DH and I have several siblings and all of our parents are still alive, but as PurpleCrazy said it's much harder when you all live far away from each other, which is the case for us. When I was a child the family had an easy pattern of either my parents or a couple of other relatives hosting Christmas, but we were all within a few miles of each other.

I do think that it's a bit sad to exclude elderly parents etc for the sake of spending the day in your own little nuclear family, and interestingly when I asked the DCs if they would like to do that this year they said no. DS1 said the day wouldn't feel special without seeing GPs or cousins.

[GabiSolis]

I think this is a general attitude problem rather than a Christmas problem. I think you'll find the selfish people at Christmas are also those who stick rigidly to the 'your baby your rules' mantra (and similar). They refuse to accept someone else might know better or someone else's feelings might matter. It's intensely selfish and very mean spirited.

[Everydayaschoolday]

Totally agreeing with Mild, Morris & Drastic about the expectations lying with the female, whether she is the DIL or DD. You guys said it far more eloquently than I did.

[RatherBeRiding]

I agree with pp who pointed out the hypocrisy of breast beating about poor lonely old people at Christmas with no mention of the 364 other days of the year they are on their own

[KERALA1]

God I still have nightmares about the last Xmas with ils. Mil arrived spoiling for a fight. Weirdly aggressive to dh and fil. Fil got so upset he sat alone in a room and wouldn't come out. Little dc bewildered.

Dh and I then for reasons we still don't understand were held to blame and they "didn't speak" to us for months. We still genuinely baffled! I do invite them but they decline. Thank god!

[Secondtimeround75]

Some of these old dears don't darken the doors other than for their big day out.

Works both ways