to think life should change with a baby?

[broodylicious]

Seeing so many posts where tiny babies (newborns) are being left with grandparents while the new parents go off on date night or away for a weekend for "me time". What is wrong with just putting life on hold/adapting to being parents for a while? Why this incessant need for selfish time? Having children is a life changer, why have them if you just want to carry on as before?

I went for a meal with dp when ds was around 5months. He slept the entire time in his gm arms.she still say that was the moment she truly fell in love with him. (I cried and ran home after an hour)
With dd I left her with dp when she was a little over five weeks and went for drinks with friends. I needed a break from being mummy, ds was on school holidays add in a new born and a dp who works very long shifts I needed a couple of hours away to miss them! I also went out when the kids were asleep, leaving them with dp, when dd was 14 weeks. It gave me something to talk to dp about too.
Ds didn't stay with anyone over night until this year (nearly 5) and that was at my dms, while I was in hospital and dp had to work.
Dp and I haven't been out together anywhere yet because dd won't take a bottle at all and I hate the thought of her waking and being hungry,we don't really get evenings together as a couple because of dps job.
In my friendship group im the odd one out, all the others leave their children over night regularly (from about 4weeks old) with family. Each to their own, so long as the children are happy and safe it's no one's business. Takes a village and all that.

Exactly mess. Exactly

I've already said my wording could've been better in my OP. I don't think that necessarily means I should accept some quite personal comments.

The thing I found most surprising when I had a baby was how little I changed. I expected my entire personality to turn upside down, but actually, I still have all the same interests and desires that I always had. I just have a massive extra aspect to my life too.

I had a bottle refusing EBF baby, so my options were limited. But with baby cinema, running buggies, sling, etc, I have managed to keep up with lots of my interests. I certainly haven't felt like life is "on hold". Life is too short to put on hold for any length of time, IMO, and is not incompatible with being a good parent.

Obviously, there have been adjustments - e.g. some tickets I'd bought while pregnant got binned, it's only now (18 months) that I'm really able to confidently commit to a night out, and there are friendships that have been neglected. But there have been times where circumstances allowed me to leave him with grandparents and go for a run, or do something with DH, and I have jumped at it. It negatively affects no one.

I've never had a babysitter for my children (for various reasons which are probably irrelevant here). The oldest is now in his teens.

As I'm a good 12 years ahead of where you are now, OP, here's a glimpse into the future for you:

No-one is going to hand you a medal and say "Gosh aren't you amazing for not leaving your baby/child with a babysitter!"

Neither will your children be gazing lovingly into your eyes to tell you how thankful they are that you didn't once leave them with Grandma/Granddad/Uncle Bob so that you could have an evening out.

It really doesn't matter whether or not parents have an evening out here or a weekend away there without their children.

I've already said my wording could've been better in my OP. I don't think that necessarily means I should accept some quite personal comments.

Seriously? You can't really get any more personal that criticising others' parenting. Can you honestly not see that?

You say that OP but I fail to say how you could word your post to be anything less than attacking. The topic is judging other parents. Unless you actually wanted to post that you respect parents who do different things to you but fell on the keyboard and posted something else by mistake

to be honest i kept a tight reign on my pfb mostly because i hadn't even got out of the hospital and people were fighting to have her for the weekend i mean seriously people wait till im stitched before you snatch then they all decided they didn't want her after all so she has rarely been away from me in 15 years (she cried for them a lot and they had to entertain her a lot then the ultimate betrayal her first word WAS NOT NANNY!)

I left DD for 3 nights when she was an EBF 9 week old. I must be a terrible selfish parent, right OP?

Or maybe, I was called as a witness in a trial at the Old Bailey. I live a 4 hour train ride from London so I had to stay in a hotel, I had to sit outside court all day waiting to be called, children aren't allowed, the trial got delayed but I couldn't go home, I had to express in the toilets, and carry my breast pump around with me.

My DH and DM had to persuade DD to take a bottle, which thankfully she did. It was a difficult few days but I managed and I don't believe for one second that it did DD any harm at all.

There really is very little point in making sweeping generalisations about others people's parenting styles. You don't know what is going on behind closed doors.

happy it must be op way of coping and making herself feel better with her 'lot' in life. She's clearly unhappy, miserable and sounds quite jealous. I pity anyone this bitter

I can see where OP is coming from.
Nobody would begrudge any parent a break.
I do, however, think it's a bit of a pisstake for some parents to offload all their parental responsibilities onto grandparents/other family members so that they continue their old lifestyle. Work - fine. Studying - fine. I understand the need for childcare then. But is it impossible to spend at least one weekend with your child in which you aren't hungover.

Yes Op

"boosiehs, I'm so sorry to hear that. Must have been the most horrendous time, balancing the joy of a newborn with the devastation of DH's news. I can't imagine what you'd have been through.*

Your inability to imagine what other people may have been through is the very reason why you started such a bitchy thread.

it's not like someone is forcing you to leave your baby

I can't see why you can't have a good balance, there is no need to devote every second to your DCs but equally I don't think you should be out getting hammered several times a week.

DH and I go out a couple of times a month, more around Xmas. We also train a few times a week but work it around the DCs and their numerous activities. We also have weekends /short breaks away either together or separately with friends each year.

We devote most of our time to our DCs but we are also a couple and enjoy going out together too. We went out for a friend's 40th when DS1 was 3 weeks old, I breastfed him, went straight out then came back 3 hours later to feed him. He was with my mum so was no problem. I wasn't trying to live a single life but our friend was also important to us so we managed to spare 3 hours of our time out of the 24/7 with our newborn (he didn't sleep for more than 2 hours ever). I can't see the need for criticism, I admit it does grate when someone just loves to tell everyone how they could not possibly leave their DCs at all but I would never comment to them as it really doesn't affect me.

Bock the OP was also criticising people going on a 'date night' (god I hate that term). That's not the same things as being pissed every weekend, a couple going out for something to eat or to the cinema is totally different to that.

Keeping the parents' identities alive via outside interests, and helping their relationship thrive via adults-only outings and activities, is one of the healthiest things possible for the well-being of children.

Martyred, exhausted, resentful, stunted parents whose relationship deteriorates due to an obsessive focus by one or the other on the children is one of the worst situations one can create for a child.

Even infants are not going to suffer for a night with a grandparent, friend or baby sitter. And as they grow children are best socialized by exposure to lots of other people. Nothing worse than a clingy six-year-old whose mother has "never left her for a single night since she was born!" As though that is something to be proud of. It's not.

mumontherun, I'm quite happy with my life. None of your pity is required but thank you so much for your kindness.

eminado, so you can imagine her torment? No, I don't think so because I doubt you've been in that exact circumstance yourself. It's a turn of phrase but one that was heartfelt on my part.

You clearly arent happy!

Ok you clearly know best.

I agree with each to their own. I love my dc and actually enjoyed the baby stage but at the same time I was also keen to get back to "real life", work, gym, social things. I feel like it's even more important to have a full, productive life when you have children, because sometimes it's difficult and stressful and you need the support and release.

Then again, sitting around in pyjamas was great for a while too, although probably not sustainable too long term.

Luckily I have a capable DH and a large and fantastic family around me and I know my children are safe and cared for whenever I leave them. Most of the time they are already in bed when we leave the house and we are home before they wake up so they don't even realise we are gone.

There are mums at school who very rarely leave their children. I don't know if this is through choice or because they don't have the help I do but either way, I hope they aren't judging me.

Excuse my appalling grammar, didn't proof read.

DD is rarely away from us. as hard as having a toddler can be I can barely believe how fast her precious years are going by! And I want to experience as much of her as I can.

However, if we had more offers of babysitting id probably take them up. I totally get why parents want lots of "me time" - kids are bloody hard!!

I wouldn't ever think less of someone who chooses to have night away from their child, even a newborn. It's certainly not what I would have done but I'm grown up enough to realise my way isn't the right way for everyone.

That said, I think people have been totally harsh with the OP. There's no need for name calling. Some of these posts come across as overly defensive. And she is right in saying we all judge something. I judge adults who say bae and ROFL for example

Immediately abandoning your pre-child life once kids come along is not healthy. Having an attitude of little tommy should always come first is not conductive to a happy family, and a family consists of children AND parents.

I love spending time with my kid, but equally I enjoy spending time with just my partner or indeed with friends or, gasp, going to the cinema by myself. I'd go batshit mental if I didn't have an occasional escape path.

I also believed this to be a forum for discussion and not an opportunity to attack each other.

Unless, of course, it's you doing the attacking? Don't buy for a second the 'I could have worded the OP better'. The sentiment was clear.

DH and I just had our first full night away from DS1, who is 4. I was giving birth to DS2.

I would love to have the opportunity of a night away, or more frequent nights out, but we don't have the family support available. Moreover not leaving DS with other people reasonably regularly when he was small was rubbish for him, as it made separation from the two of us much harder when it did become possible/necessary.

I left DD now 4 months with MIL from 10 weeks old so DH and I could go for a meal out. I loved it so much that I've done it once a month since then, and occasionally in the week MIL or my DB have her for a few hours so I can have a bath and a sleep without being distrupted by a screaming baby - DH works long hours so can't help much - I feel like a much better mum when I go back to her a few hours later, I get my enthusiasm for being a mum back.

I love my DD, but sometimes I need a break . She loves going to her GPs or her Uncles and she's well cared for.

Nurseries and CMs around here will take babies from 4 weeks old so there can't be too much wrong with it. As long as baby is well looked after and happy then wheres the harm?