to think life should change with a baby?

[broodylicious]

Seeing so many posts where tiny babies (newborns) are being left with grandparents while the new parents go off on date night or away for a weekend for "me time". What is wrong with just putting life on hold/adapting to being parents for a while? Why this incessant need for selfish time? Having children is a life changer, why have them if you just want to carry on as before?

Haha littlelion, same with the Spectre thing!

Wow, got your judgeypants on today?

I would like to know what, in your view, is a reasonable timescale to leave your baby? You asked what is the rush - so what do you consider a rush? Please tell me when I will be allowed out! And want constitutes an 'incessant need'? If I want to go to the gym once a week is that too much? What about if I have an event or Christmas meal in the first six months? WON'T SOMEONE TELL ME THE RULES!!

That's what we are now you see- a family
You are still a family when you are not with your children. When they grow up and leave home and have their own children, you will still be a family. When two of my children stay over at PIL's tonight they are still part of the family because PIL are part of our family. Them being away from me doesn't mean I haven't thrown myself into parenting or that I don't care for them as much as someone who never leaves their children's side.

You don't need to be out of the house to have time alone
You might not. Not everyone gets cosy evenings together while the children sleep.
DH and I have four children. From around 6am to 10pm or later at weekends one or more are awake. DH works away a lot. We get a cosy 20 mins awake in bed together if we are lucky.

* However, each to their own; parenting is incredibly personal and everyone has their own ideas about how to raise a child. You need to do what works for you*

Said by none other than the OP in a previous thread.

Sing - "There does seem to be a general view from some that everyone had capable and willing grandparents on tap and on demand. This is simply not the case."

So is it that you have no one to watch your kids then rather than you choose to stay in forever and ever? Do you ever do anything without your kids in tow?

You must have had a really shitty excuse for a social life pre-kids if a 'date night' once in a blue moon is your idea of 'carrying on as before'

And the point of this thread is?

Seriously? What do you want to achieve. People are different - big shock.

I love going out with DH - for two/three hours every few months it's just us.

The DC are with my mother. She did alright with me I have no worries about her looking after them.

Not a pair of singles or a couple with no responsibilities free to live the highlife with trips abroad and boozy weekenders

I've never done any of those things, not my thing. I had my children in my late 30's too and as I said before was SAHM and pretty much a martyr to my DCs when I look back. So I was probably very similar in some ways to the OP and singsong in many ways, but I really cannot fucking stand other people deciding what someone else 'needs' and the implication that if someone dares to parent differently then they're not a proper 'family' if they don't do things the way they have decided is the correct way for us all.

Each and every one of us parents the way we feel is the best way for our own children.

No wonder women get such a shit deal sometimes when some are so unsupportive of others choices or refuse to even contemplate that their way may not be the only way to raise a happy and healthy family. They're so desperate to try to bring others down. It's so unkind and unnecessary.

When we had our DD it was like it dropped a bomb on our relationship, I was always tired, DD was always our first priority and we got out of the habit of being affectionate and talking about anything other than DD.

So once a month we have date nights, and have had two separate nights away from her. I refuse to be made to feel guilty about this. They've contributed to getting our marriage back on track, and actually I think DD will appreciate more having two parents who love each other as much as they love her, rather than feel abandoned because we left her with GP who she adores.

It does make me chuckle when someone has their judgy pants on so tight they are unable to accept a YRBU on AIBU?
I was 21 with DD1 and although I didn't feel the need for wild nights outs any more it was lovely having a cuppa and a conversation with a friend and being able to give my entire concentration to them! I think its pretty healthy to maintain adult relationships too!!
DD1 I started leaving with my mum when she was about 6months, DD2 got left at 4weeks as her godmum was dying to steal her for some quality time and I felt it was important to give DD1 a mummy and me day!
Does it make me a terrible parent to spend 1:1 time with DD1?
So yes YABU and a bit of a judgemental dick to be honest - parents have enough guilt without being made to feel selfish for taking a few hours out - also no, no matter how badly your child slept it doesn't qualify you to judge other people, not all of us do! I certainly dont!!

Of course life bloody changes, a night off is hardly a crime though. It's a big adjustment for all and a night off providing some stress relief cannot be a bad thing for anyone! Give yourself a biscuit OP Sounds like jealousy to me.

No wonder women get such a shit deal sometimes when some are so unsupportive of others choices or refuse to even contemplate that their way may not be the only way to raise a happy and healthy family. They're so desperate to try to bring others down. It's so unkind and unnecessary.

Exactly.

I remember a thread where a poster who wanted to put her baby in child care twice a week for an hour each time so she could go to the gym, was told she'd cause her baby emotional damage and abandonment issues. (!)

I'm not jealous.

I do believe parenting is all about choice.

I also believed this to be a forum for discussion and not an opportunity to attack each other.

I too was well into my thirties when I had my children and was under no
Illusions that life would ever be the same again -nor did I want it to be .I was happy to put the holidays and the social life on hold for a bit and we didn't have GPs locally .
I think what OP is bemused by is the sort of lifestyle that treats babies/ children as incidental (and possibly an inconvenience). Not the normal occasional 'escape' that most new parents want and need .
I have friends who had PFB way before anyone else they knew had kids .They tried very hard to fit him into their very sociable, active lifestyle ,to the extent of waking him up at midnight once , when we were staying with them , to watch fireworks and join in a party .Poor child was 4 and consequently crotchety .
I used leave my ebf DD1 with her father every Sat morning to go to the library, have a coffee ,window shop etc .And I loved it when the teenage girls over the road came over after school and took her for a walk (and ,later,the playground) .I kept sane by seeing/having outings with a friend I met at NCT classes and went back to work pt when she was 9 months .And DH and I had a special meal , alone, with wine etc on Sat nights when the DDs had gone to bed-a habit we continued when they were old enough to have family dinner with us every other evening .
DD 1 was 12 before we had a weekend away without them ,for our 15th wedding anniversary .
Balance is what it's about. DH and I have been together 35 years and we have a very good relationship with each other and the DCs

I do believe parenting is all about choice.

Then what was the point of your OP?

Well i've only just got out of bed as my DD stayed at my mums last night and will be there all day. I have the house to myself and a day off work. Heaven.

She is 4 now but has stayed with both sets of GPs regularly since a baby. I don't go out partying or drink but sometimes it's essential to just be me, as a person in my own right. Or even just to walk round bloody tesco on my own or have a shower in peace.

Also, the time she spends with them is precious, they have the time and patience to do lovely things and days out and she adores them.

And having babies in your 30's (or any age) does not stop you being an individual with your own needs.

If they are your views.... then what a strange opening gambit for your 'discussion'.

Hhhmmm

Yes post, that's exactly it!!

Life is much calmer when you learn that whatever other parents choose to do, isn't your concern.
Think about it. Just worrying about your own nest.
None of us are perfect. Despite how dedicated and wonderful we imagine we might be. We all fuck up, and we all do the very best we are capable of.

Notso-
You might not. Not everyone gets cosy evenings together while the children sleep.
DH and I have four children. From around 6am to 10pm or later at weekends one or more are awake. DH works away a lot. We get a cosy 20 mins awake in bed together if we are lucky.

But, presumably, you chose to have those 4 children did you not? You made a choice to do so and lots of people would consider you very lucky.

But, presumably, you chose to have those 4 children did you not? You made a choice to do so and lots of people would consider you very lucky.

And?

I think she's aware she made a decision to have four children. She was merely responding to your claim that you don't need to leave the house to have alone time as a couple.

In her case she does.

I also believed this to be a forum for discussion and not an opportunity for attack each other.
Yet you start the discussion by calling fellow parents selfish and suggesting they shouldn't have children.
I find it is mostly parents who don't have extended family to help out with childcare that have your attitude OP. I don't think age plays a part at all. I had my first two children in my late teens and twenties and my second two in my early 30's.
My desire to have 'me time' hasn't waned, I still love my husband as much and still enjoy having couple time and loud sex once in a while! It's just that the offers of childcare for 4 are much less frequent.

I must be incredibly irresponsible by your standards Post. Ds was 4 last nye and we woke him at midnight to watch the fireworks with us. He'd expressly asked us to. We woke him, had a family cuddle while watching the fireworks, then returned him to bed where he slept soundly and immediately till morning. We have also [whispers] taken him to family events/ parties, put him to bed upstairs to sleep at his usual bestime and then woken him to come home with us in a taxi when it was time to leave.

I also believed this to be a forum for discussion and not an opportunity to attack each other.

Unless of course it's you who is starting it all off with an OP attacking others with different choices to you. They seem to be fair game to you. ,not cool.

Singsong, what MitzyLeFrouf said!

Thanks Mitzy