I know I was unreasonable. But should I buy more bacon?

[matchingsocks7]

DP and me have split up,but I still officially live with him . I work away a lot and am hardly ever in, I spend maybe 1-2 nights at home and I try to keep out of his way.

We get on 'okay' I guess, but the main reasons for splitting up were his drinking problem, losing his job as a result and his sloppiness around the house. He'd wee outside but dribble it in for example, wee in bottles, never lifted a finger unless I nagged to the point of shouting even though he didn't work. Anyway that's by the by.

Last week I got home and the fridge STANK. He'd left some chicken in there and it had gone off. I was knackered and upset by this, and I said to him to get off his ass and clean the fridge and get rid of the rotten chicken.

He refused. So I said if he didn't, I'd do it myself and I would throw away anything in there that was his.

Which I did.

Now, I get back form being away again and he is saying that he needed the bacon and I've thrown it away. Said it was something, one product that will help him 'sort himself out' bear in mind he's been saying he'll 'sort himself out' for the duration of the almost four years we lived together. He means that certain foods (junk foods), are a 'tool' to help him stop drinking. He's had ample opportunity and many different types of professional help, for background.

I apologised, but said that all the time I was deep-cleaning the fridge (it took a fairly long time) he could see me, was feet away from me(open plan house) and had every opportunity to take over, get hold of the bacon and tell me to not throw it away please, or to say 'you sit down I'll clean the fridge it's my fault'. Etc.

And now I feel guilty. Should I replace his bacon?

Well this thread seems to have taken a turn. I take it OP has abandoned ship then?

Thread makes no sense.

OP should just leave, but she obviously still wants to be with him.

noble I would like it if you read the thread and found the bit where I have siad I want to take the house from him (I don't).

StackLady I didn't 'Get myself on the deeds'. He wanted me on as much as I wanted to be on them, in fact at one point I really didn't want to be-but I sold my house to move in with him because he wanted me to. I didn't know of his issues before I moved in. That may sound daft, but if people have experience of alcoholism they'll know it really isn't always obvious.

Please find the part of the thread where I have said I'll take 50% of his home (I haven't said that and that is not what I want to do).

I haven't done 'Bits and Bobs' I have transformed the house-I have neglected to mention the other things I have done for him personally but they amount to a lot.I have sacrificed most of my life for years to try to help him.

lonnyI stay with a friend. And no I can't, as I do his shopping, clean the house and take care of paperwork/mail etc.

No curlyI was in a relationship with him for a year or so before I moved in. And as I have repeated several times, I did NOT know of his issues. It was a complete shock to me.

Again, can you please direct me to where I have said I 'got myself put on the mortgage immediately' ? I didn't.

I DID sell my home to move in with him.And our relationship was very good-so I thought. He hid his issues from me.

Yes I can understand why people would think it odd, if that was what happened I'd met an alcoholic, was renting and decided to move in with him and get straight on the mortgage-but that is NOT what I did. People think It's odd because they've put 2 and 2 together and come up with 10.

MAybe it would have been better left as it was curly if that's what he wanted to do-but he didn't. Or so he told me. He was all for doing his house up and buying a better one, together as a couple. But unbeknown to me, he wasn't in a position to do this, and he was alcohol dependent.
dontmind I was back at the thread yesterday, and I am definitely not seeing 'easy money' . I've been trying my best to help and It's only recently I have left and decided to not try any longer, because he doesn't want to get better.

When you say I want to be with him alex how do you get that, when, if you've left the person aside from 1-2 days a week when you come home to do washing and sort things like that, and look after him because he needs it-but that's the only reason you see him?

Inthebox no, if you read the thread you'd know I hadn't. This could go on forever-I know myself and what I've done for him and how horrid the last few years have been. But, key points for your judgments are

-I didn't get on the mortgage straight away
-When I did, it was a mutual decision
-I knew him a long time and was together with him for a year before I sold my house and moved in
-People have decided I want to sell the house from under him-I have NEVER said I want to sell the house.

OP, a lot of people have wasted their time posting on this thread. You suddenly drop in a major bombshell detail in that you did have your own house before you moved in with him, and sold it to move in with him. Do you not think that's quite a massive detail to leave out? Nowhere do you say "I wish I'd not moved in with him because I had a home of my own and sold it to move into his."

You also don't mention what has happened to the proceeds of your own house. You DID say that you didn't put any lump sum into his house when you moved in with him. So there are lots of details still missing.

This whole thread isn't about bacon, as everyone has so rightly posted out. Most have recognised that you are in an intolerable situation and that was the root cause of the bacon argument. And quite sensibly have advised you to get out ASAP as you're on a hiding to nothing staying in that house.

You have listed various reasons why we're all wrong in what we say or suggest, and then drop in Some fairly major info right at the end which might have had a bearing on what posters advised.

Yeah, thanks for that.

Next time, try mentioning just the argument about the bacon and leaving everything else out such as the piss bottles and smelly DP and you may get the answer you want.

Don't buy him bacon, or anything.

And by the way, I'm guessing that even more people would tell you to force a sale now and get out, knowing that you had your own house before moving in with him. You need somewhere of your own to live, like you had before you moved in with him, no-one is going to understand your reasoning of wanting to stay in that situation purely to do the house up and make some money on it. You could put money into it doing up and then he could fall asleep pissed and set the kitchen on fire. Money wasted. I don't think anyone will understand why you don't want to force a sale ASAP.

People have decided I want to sell the house from under him-I have NEVER said I want to sell the house. no but you did repeatedly talk about wanting something out of it (the money and effort you've put in).

How?

If you're not going to sell.

You've talked about remortgaging to get the extra equity out. This is a bizarre and foolish thing to do which you tie you into a house and man you don;t want to be tied to.

I really don't understand what your plan to leave is.

I do understand that you've been painted into a corner (whether with your own collusion or not) but you don't seem to take on board any the comments.

You need to work out a plan to leave - forget whether you make a "profit". Try to negotiate him paying the mortgage 100% for a few months for you to save for a deposit on a rental property and also to see if he can afford to pay it.

And get some legal advice.

And don;t buy him bacon.

curly, I don't really understand , it definitely wasn't relevant to my original thread-I just answered people's questions as I was asked them.

I didn't get anything from the sale of my own house. And I didn't want this thread to scale of into anything else!Perhaps I should just have ignored people's questions. Why is my selling my house relevant-why would every presume I didn't have my own house anyway? What DID they all assume?

I've already 'left' in all senses of the word really.

He doesn't want to change anything. I'll be in a better position in a year or so's time, and for the moment, despite little things such as the bacon incident, things are okay.

I don't appreciate comments about what a terrible person I am. When I first realised the extent of his issues and I was in a very bad place as a result, very upset and feeling as if I had lost everything and worried sick about the man I loved, MN was incredibly helpful. But when all's said and done, I know myself and the situation. I know I've done my best.

kew I really do not want him to lose his home, and if I hadn't have been here, he would have by now. If he doesn't recover he will lose his home. That's one of the main reasons.

curly also if you see my first post, the 'answer I want' I got. Not to buy him more bacon. :)

Regardless of the rather odd financial aspects of this thread; OP you have wasted four years of your life on this man. Why hang around even longer. Get yourself off the mortgage and go rent somewhere. Any money you've spent on mortgage and repairs consider rent. What's the point of putting your life on hold for even longer. I simply can't see the few thousand you may hope to release as being worth it.

If he doesn't recover he will lose his home. That's one of the main reasons

But surely that is no longer your problem?

In the nicest possible way, Kew has asked a few times now how you see yourself being able to get some profit from your input into the house.

Your answer is that you don't want to make your ex sell his house. Great, that's fine, but you also know your mortgage lender would never consent to taking your name off the mortgage while things are as they are re: ex being unemployed.

So, honestly, people are struggling to see how you can ever get any sort of profit or even just money back, from the house without forcing a sale. A remortgage won't help, as it will just tie you to the property (and thereby your ex) more firmly. Unless you plan to take the proceeds of the remortgage & do a runner - although that will obviously lead to your ex's house being repossessed thereby ruining your credit record & future mortgage chances (for several years at least). And you don't want him to lose his house?

You can see why people are confused.

Anyhow, replace the bacon. It's the nice thing to do & the least of your worries .

Op you were talking about viewings earlier. Now selling is not on your mind?

littlebearI really don't think I can get off the mortgage. He isn't working.

A few thousand will allow me a deposit on another house. That's all I eventually want. In the meantime I find things okay as they are.

santa I really thought I'd answered it, understand I didn't want this to come about in this thread-it began as a fairly lighthearted one. So I wasn't trying to disregard questions.
inthebox yes It's not my problem, but I still don't want to do it and it be my fault.

It may be that his family step in and he goes to live with them, eventually. I just don't know what's going to happen so I can't really say. I co-own this house and I am quite happy to do what I am doing and also improve the conditon of it. Who's to say what'll happen in the future.

I'm also not convinced you are even entitled legally to half the house after having only put in four years worth of mortgage payments. You might want to check that out with a solicitor before you continue to throw your wages into improvements.

Just to extrapolate further. Even as a joint owner if your ex chooses to fight you in court regarding the house I don't think you would walk away with half the equity based in what you've told us. So just be careful how much you want to invest against how much you are likely to see a return on.

he has owned this house for 28 years and wants to die in it. Somehow in the last 4 years you ended up a co-owner despite not paying anything towards the mortgage. He has paid (is paying??) for your current career training. You don't like this guy. You spend 5 nights a week elsewhere (where??)

Even if you are legally on the deeds, I think the moral thing to do is let this guy alone. He's owned the house for and lived there 28 years, you've had free lodging there for 4. If you say you don't want to force him to sell, what's the point of increasing your equity? You have lots going for yourself so why not seek legal advice to disentangle yourself from this mess, wish him well, and leave him be?

You described your own interest in this as 'money-minded' - I feel sorry for this vulnerable man. Just because he's an addict doesn't mean you deserve to profit from his property.

Apologies, I went back and saw that you worked away 5 days a week. I still think it would be immoral to profit from this mess.

I've not had free lodging.
He hasn't paid for my career training. I paid a third, he LENT me two thirds.I've also lent him a lot of money. I paid off a lot of his debts some years ago.

I don't dislike him, I want him to get better. I just can't be in a relationship with him and I no longer love him romantically. I am money minded-but not just out for myself. His house is worth much more now from my dealings with the finances (which he WANTED, by the way). We were in it together so I thought before I realised the extent of his issues, and before he got worse for them.

I can't sell, I can't get off the mortgage-I mean I could speak to the bank again but I know what they will say. He wanted the whole arrangement too, it wasn't just me! I do leave him alone the majority of the time.

That poor man. He's vulnerable. This was never ever about bacon at all.

Your second post:

My plan is to remortgage at first opportunity and then buy myself somewhere else. I can't afford to rent and pay half the mortgage.

How is that going to work - remortgage so he will take it all on? Or remortgage to give you a deposit for somewhere else?

You say you're not earning that much so no mortgage lender will give you another mortgage when you are still on this one.

I'm really not having a go I'm trying to get to think about what is really possible and plan accordingly.

If you've been paying 50% of the mortgage for 4 years then you in most likelihood haven;t been paying any more than rent so cut your losses and talk to a solicitor about how you get out. It might not cost him that much to buy out your 50% of 4 years or maybe just agree with him that he pays back the money you've invested in improving the property. He may also need one of his family to guarantee the mortgage for him to stay on it.

But unless you want to continue living like this then you have to consult a lawyer and come up with a plan and forget about making any money out of it - as I said before plenty of us have invested in property with nothing to show for it (you yourself admit you got nothing after selling your house).