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AIBU?

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Original poster

I know I was unreasonable. But should I buy more bacon?

130 replies

matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 12:45

DP and me have split up,but I still officially live with him . I work away a lot and am hardly ever in, I spend maybe 1-2 nights at home and I try to keep out of his way.

We get on 'okay' I guess, but the main reasons for splitting up were his drinking problem, losing his job as a result and his sloppiness around the house. He'd wee outside but dribble it in for example, wee in bottles, never lifted a finger unless I nagged to the point of shouting even though he didn't work. Anyway that's by the by.

Last week I got home and the fridge STANK. He'd left some chicken in there and it had gone off. I was knackered and upset by this, and I said to him to get off his ass and clean the fridge and get rid of the rotten chicken.

He refused. So I said if he didn't, I'd do it myself and I would throw away anything in there that was his.

Which I did.

Now, I get back form being away again and he is saying that he needed the bacon and I've thrown it away. Said it was something, one product that will help him 'sort himself out' bear in mind he's been saying he'll 'sort himself out' for the duration of the almost four years we lived together. He means that certain foods (junk foods), are a 'tool' to help him stop drinking. He's had ample opportunity and many different types of professional help, for background.

I apologised, but said that all the time I was deep-cleaning the fridge (it took a fairly long time) he could see me, was feet away from me(open plan house) and had every opportunity to take over, get hold of the bacon and tell me to not throw it away please, or to say 'you sit down I'll clean the fridge it's my fault'. Etc.

And now I feel guilty. Should I replace his bacon?

OP posts:
Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 19:09

I am here because I can't afford to pay rent and a half this mortgage. I can't buy somewhere else until I'm qualified and earning more and have a lump sum-I can't release equity until the house is better and, again I am in a better financial position.

And no curly I didn't pay anything before that. We were together a year before I moved in under this arrangement, and believe me he changed once I moved in!I really was surprised-he was nothing back then like he is now.

OP posts:
ToddlerTantrums · 28/10/2015 19:10

Why do you need to pay half? Sign the house over to him without putting another penny in and go.

ijustwannadance · 28/10/2015 19:11

I am sorry but you are crazy to be paying for any repairs on a house you won't be living in and that he won't sell. Yes to who said see last 4 years as rent. You might of promised to pay for repairs, but I bet he promised to sort himself out. You owe him nothing

Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 19:12

toddler there are reasons for me to stay, definitely. It's worth three times what It's mortgaged at already and will be worth another 1x, once done.

I am not co-dependent on him for definite, I am hardly ever here and other than a small amount of guilt, I couldn't care less about him as a person, now. Sorry if that sounds awful but he hurt me so much in the past and I've had enough.

I am money-minded I won't deny that, I dont want to lose out on what could earn me a fair amount on a property as we both own all the property.

There has been talk of him moving in with his Mum or Sister, and of rehab, if he did this I would get the house blitzed in a couple of months, It's just hard with him in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 19:15

Where would I go though, toddler? I am self employed, training in another field, cannot get a mortgage as can't afford deposit and don't look very good on paper, and a landlord would probably want 6months rent upfront at least,given I've not 2 years proof of decent income and I am self-employed, and I'd be paying more to rent than I do here, and I'd lose a property even if I did find somewhere cheap to rent? He only bothers me sporadically as I only live here 1-2 nights per week.

I apologise if I am missing something but it doesn't seem to make sense moving out and losing what I've already put in.

OP posts:
Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 19:17

I did speak to Al-Anon and I didn't find them helpful if I am honest. I went to a couple of meetings for partners of alcoholics, too. I didn't appreciate the 'Imagine you're dolphins free in the sea' sort of shit caper that they favoured. (Sorry)!

BUT, that was when I was in love with him still, over a year ago.

OP posts:
BathshebaDarkstone · 28/10/2015 19:17

No.

ToddlerTantrums · 28/10/2015 19:19

I'm probably not the best person to help you sorry, I've recently got out of a 15 year relationship with an alcoholic and I know if money had been the only thing keeping me there is have been gone a long time ago.
I would imagine a landlord would want 1 month deposit and 1 month rent, I've never had a landlord ask for proof of income over 2 years etc.

Good luck to you whatever you decide to do

Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 19:23

It's okay, I understand, it was horrible being with him and you have my sympathy and empathy!

I have never rented but I've had a lot of people tell me that, that if you're self employed landlords are reluctant.

OP posts:
SparklesandBangs · 28/10/2015 19:27

OP you still haven't asked the question as to what % of the house you think is yours - from the way you post it sounds like 50%

Your ex may be an unhygienic alcoholic but he has owned and paid for the house for 28 years. You are just on the mortgage which by your own admission is not that big, and have only paid half of this for 4 years and a few repair bills.

I do think you should leave but I can't see what you will take with you in terms of £'s

Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 19:29

Sorry yes, we're joint tenants so It's 50% despite my not paying as much in-mortgage has been changed to repayment, now. Had it been left on interest only he'd have never (obviously) paid it off. And exactly, if I leave now having not increased value by so much, I won't leave with much hence my reluctance to leave yet.

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 28/10/2015 19:29

Have you got any sort of contract re the money you are putting into renovations, and an agreement that the house would then be sold?

I know nothing about the legality of things but are you sure you'd get 50% of the value on sale?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/10/2015 19:32

OP, it sounds to me like you have put minimal amount of money into the house, you're living there quite cheaply, he has lent you money
While you train (as what exactly? What kind of therapist will you be?) AND you want half the profit on a house you have only lived in and contributed to for 4 years.

You said yourself it won't make much difference if you stop paying the mortgage, so i'lljust say it: you are just staying there in the hope that you'll gain some money from a sale. Don't you think you are just using him now? He sounds like he's at Rock bottom and I would be with you completely in wanting to just cut ties. But you sound completely mercenary if I'm totally honest, as harsh as that sounds.

pinotblush · 28/10/2015 19:32

OP, you need to just get out. Or don't live there at all until you can sell up, you said you're very rarely home anyway.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/10/2015 19:35

Ican understand you staying therr for a while if you cannot figure out where else to go while you are training.but the thought of you staying there just to "Get your share" doesn't seem Morally right to me at all, and leaves me cold.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/10/2015 19:36

But what have you put in apart from contributing towards the mortgage and paying for some repairs? You're putting yourself through a shitty time for a little bit of equity. 5 years of equity - how much will that be? And why on earth are you paying to repair things when you aren't even planning to sell but to remortgage and move out? I honestly don't understand your logic.

Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 19:37

Sorry curly any vagueness is due to not wanting to out myself!

I am hardly ever here, I wanted a partnership with him and he then showed me his true colours after I moved in.

He has been totally awful to me the whole time, give or take one or two weeks where he's been sober.

The main problem is, where I would go if I left. As I said, renting would cost me more (I'd have to quit my course, he didn't pay all of it, he lent me for some of it), that's if I COULD rent given my status as self employed and my low income, and I couldn't buy.

You could say I am using him in one way but, in another-was I not here, he'd have likely lost his home by now, and he'd never pay the mortgage off as it was me who changed it to repayment, and he'd have had no repairs done (there was no kitchen until I paid for it, just one example there are many more). So , yes in a way I am 'using' him for cheap living, but in another way his house will be worth much more, he'll actually still HAVE a house, and his living standards have improved dramatically and will continue to do so. He lost his job eventually, but it was me who facilitated their keeping him on for three years before that. So many things.

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 28/10/2015 19:39

It's his house, he has lived there for 28 years, he wants to live there forever.

You have lived there for 4 years, don't like him, want to sell his house from under him to make a quick profit.

Just leave. Leave with your dignity intact.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/10/2015 19:39

Ew your attitude is nasty
You aren't in a relationship with him any more, it's his house, but you want to stay as long as possible to get as big a chunk of the equity as possible? Nasty.
He should buy you out for your % of the equity and you could leave with your dignity intact.

Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 19:40

Noble, I do not want to sell the house. This isn't what this threads about-and I've already listed reasons why it isn't possible. Other posters upthread suggested my selling the house, not me.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/10/2015 19:40

This thread is so ludicrous I'm starting to wonder if it's real actually. OP started with moaning about the state of the fridge. Seems she's prepared to put up with that for money-grabbing reasons. Good luck to her. I have no sympathy whatsoever.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/10/2015 19:40

Haha noble jinx

noblegiraffe · 28/10/2015 19:40

If you don't want to sell the house then why are you so interested in adding to its value?

Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 19:42

I doubt he would buy me out. I would only take any equity owed to me once the house is in decent condition.
As I said before, I do not think I can move out-I don't think I could find anywhere to be! I wanted more than anything to be in a relationship with him, until recently when I realised he isn't capable of such.

OP posts:
Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 19:43

noble read the thread, I want to increase value (not just for my sake) because why wouldn't I?

It's most definitely real. And yes, things don't bother me very often, but I felt bad about chucking his food out so I asked if I was being unreasonable. I definitely wasn't expecting sympathy-or this thread to delve so much further into stuff!

OP posts:
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