I know I was unreasonable. But should I buy more bacon?

[matchingsocks7]

DP and me have split up,but I still officially live with him . I work away a lot and am hardly ever in, I spend maybe 1-2 nights at home and I try to keep out of his way.

We get on 'okay' I guess, but the main reasons for splitting up were his drinking problem, losing his job as a result and his sloppiness around the house. He'd wee outside but dribble it in for example, wee in bottles, never lifted a finger unless I nagged to the point of shouting even though he didn't work. Anyway that's by the by.

Last week I got home and the fridge STANK. He'd left some chicken in there and it had gone off. I was knackered and upset by this, and I said to him to get off his ass and clean the fridge and get rid of the rotten chicken.

He refused. So I said if he didn't, I'd do it myself and I would throw away anything in there that was his.

Which I did.

Now, I get back form being away again and he is saying that he needed the bacon and I've thrown it away. Said it was something, one product that will help him 'sort himself out' bear in mind he's been saying he'll 'sort himself out' for the duration of the almost four years we lived together. He means that certain foods (junk foods), are a 'tool' to help him stop drinking. He's had ample opportunity and many different types of professional help, for background.

I apologised, but said that all the time I was deep-cleaning the fridge (it took a fairly long time) he could see me, was feet away from me(open plan house) and had every opportunity to take over, get hold of the bacon and tell me to not throw it away please, or to say 'you sit down I'll clean the fridge it's my fault'. Etc.

And now I feel guilty. Should I replace his bacon?

Sell the house -he clearly won't get round to sorting anything , so just get on with it. Sell it and cut any other ties. In the meantime if it makes things less unpleasant then replace his bacon but I wouldn't sweat it

And yes - like poster above said - just price it cheaply to get it moved

Take legal advice regarding the house - though if you move out and force a sale he may wreck the place (whether out of malice or out of incompetence doesn';t matter) - there might be a way to cut your losses as much as possible while cutting all your ties to him.

So, as it stands, he can continue living the lifestyle he has chosen, sucking the life and money out of you. Essentially, you are enabling him, albeit unwillingly.

It's not only in your best interests, but also his best long-term interests, to get your house sold ASAP. As long as you co-own you can never be free of him and he has no incentive whatsoever to change.

How is he paying half a mortgage ????

tell him he either buys you out or the house is sold. Give him a deadline (2 weeks?) and if he hasn't arranged finance to buy you out, then the house goes on the market.

Sell, move, move on with your life.

HackerFucker22 Very good point! How on earth is he holding up his end of various payments and bills?

Hi , OP here-sorry I got called out unexpectedly. I will return to the thread later and reply to all questions!

Thanks, I appreciate all advice!

Hi I am back (still without bacon)

I hope I can answer all questions.

Selling the house seems the best idea in theory, however a few problems , some posters have already mentioned!

1)House is a complete tip, ran down, needs a lot of things doing to it, a lot of decorating and repairs. He won't do it-I am getting these jobs done as and when I can afford it
2)Despite the above, the house was bought very cheap and I would like to get the jobs done and make some money on it on sale, rather than sell up for cheap just to get out.
3)He'd never agree to a sale, and I don't blame him in a way. He'd owned the house since he was 20 (He's 48). I have been on the mortgage for four years. He wants to stay in it forever.
4)He's a hoarder and the house is full of his stuff. I'd say about 5-10% (being generous!) of the stuff in the house is mine.

Yes-viewings. House stinks of him as he doesn't wash. It's dark and dingy and full of stuff. I'm not here a lot for viewings and he just probably wouldn't let them in!

He has a fair amount of money so my refusing to pay the mortgage wouldn't be fruitful. He had inheritence not so long ago.

Equity-quite a bit. Don't have a figure for you but It's worth a lot more than It's mortgaged at, and will be worth much more once repairs and decor are done. I absolutely do not want a bad credit record unfortunately, very important to me to not have one.

No children.
He's 48
I should be able to remortgage in a years' time when I am fully qualified and earning more. He's unemployed, I am a trainee therapist.

solidgold has a point , he will make it very difficult for me to sell as he doesn't want to move.

I am sort of enabling I guess by not forcing sales etc, but I was more so, before when I stil loved him and tried to get him help and was nice to him. I pretty much ignore him now. It'd take me another page to detail all the things I've done to try to help, and all the times I've pulled out all the stops to make things better for him and us, in the past but trust me, I have done a lot! It took me ages to admit defeat but I have now.

can't you just sell it to him?

How old are you OP?

I am 35

I'm still a bit confused as to how much of the value of the house is yours - am I right in thinking that he's owned it for 28 years, and for the past 4, you've contributed to the mortgage? Did you also put in a lump sum or contribute in another way? Cos Im thinking that maybe you should just see your four years of mortgage as rent, if not. Apologies if I'm wide of the mark.

No you're right , tigermoll.

I didn't pay a lump sum-on the grounds that I would pay for all repairs and decor, which I am doing and have done since I went on the mortgage. Unfortunately, he dug his heels in a lot and wouldn't have me change anything, and then all my time got taken up with trying to fix him rather than the house. In the last few months as we have split, I've just been getting things done without even asking him, though.

Assuming he could afford it, would he buy out your share of the house so it's all his again?

If he has owned house for nearly 30 years why isn't mortgage paid off?
Why if he has money stashed away isn't the mortgage paid off?
If he has the money why can't he just buy back your share of the house so he can stay living as stig of the dump and you can get the fuck out of it and have a fresh start? Sod waiting for any profit.
If it was me I would leave asap. No way I'd live like that. Pointless doing up a house for him to just sabotage any efforts.
And again, if he has money, why isn't he just paying to get house sorted in one go so you can move on.

It's an option , Jaynebond.

When his money runs out he'll lose his home then won't he-and it will run out unless he sorts himself out and how will he do that without bacon .

Your going to get Harley anything out of the house money wise, if he's owned it for so long and you've only been on the mortgage 4 years surely?
Consider the money you paid rent, cut your losses and get out. This is a ridiculous situation to stay in for the sake of money you haven't actually paid out

So what percentage of the sale of the house do you think it would be fair of you to take? Bearing in mind that you have only paid the mortgage for 4 out of 28 years, and have not (through no fault of your own) contributed to the renovation?

Ijustwanadance-because he's an idiot with money and had had the mortgage on a repayment only arrangement! Until I went on it, I changed it because I thought he was a complete idiot for having such a cheap house on such a mortgage.

He refused to use his money to pay the mortgage off or a lump sum of it. He gave me some money so I could complete my studies as I was struggling, but I will pay him that back.

I didn't want to ask he uses his money for the house repairs because, well I said I'd pay and I am still doing that (central heating was meant to be done this week but the tradesman put us off another week, wallpapering done last week, flooring couple of weeks before that-now he's not someone I am trying to please I am just getting all this stuff done without his consent).

Bloody hell, OP, I would be running away fast.

There are a couple of things I don't understand though. How come there is still a mortgage on the property, if he's owned it for 28 years? Also, you've only been on the mortgage for the last 4 years? Does tha mean you haven't paid anything towards the mortgage BEFORE that? Are you sure you would get half the value of the house taking Into account all this???

If the house is that much of a shit tip, I woild inmediaty ly stop paying towards repairs if I were you and just get out. Doesn't sound like he needs the money so I don't know what's keeping you there.

Really flummoxed, OP.

I know it sounds daft, Tigemoll but it really really wasn't my fault the house wasn't sorted sooner. He downright would not LET me have anything done and refused to cooperate, wouldn't let people in, wouldn't clear places for workmen to work and it being not my stuff-etc etc. I've put my foot down now.

We both own all the house (Joint tenancy rather than Tenants in Common).

curly see post above yours :)

I think the renovations are a red herring -- you haven't answered what percentage of the sale of the the house you think you should get?

OP why are you ploughing money into the house with no idea how much you can expect out of it?
Do you deep down really want to leave? It sounds to me like you're finding reasons to stay. Co-dependency is an awful thing and breaking away from an alcoholic is unbelievably hard to do. You should try Al-Anon they can be v helpful.