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Original poster

I know I was unreasonable. But should I buy more bacon?

130 replies

matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 12:45

DP and me have split up,but I still officially live with him . I work away a lot and am hardly ever in, I spend maybe 1-2 nights at home and I try to keep out of his way.

We get on 'okay' I guess, but the main reasons for splitting up were his drinking problem, losing his job as a result and his sloppiness around the house. He'd wee outside but dribble it in for example, wee in bottles, never lifted a finger unless I nagged to the point of shouting even though he didn't work. Anyway that's by the by.

Last week I got home and the fridge STANK. He'd left some chicken in there and it had gone off. I was knackered and upset by this, and I said to him to get off his ass and clean the fridge and get rid of the rotten chicken.

He refused. So I said if he didn't, I'd do it myself and I would throw away anything in there that was his.

Which I did.

Now, I get back form being away again and he is saying that he needed the bacon and I've thrown it away. Said it was something, one product that will help him 'sort himself out' bear in mind he's been saying he'll 'sort himself out' for the duration of the almost four years we lived together. He means that certain foods (junk foods), are a 'tool' to help him stop drinking. He's had ample opportunity and many different types of professional help, for background.

I apologised, but said that all the time I was deep-cleaning the fridge (it took a fairly long time) he could see me, was feet away from me(open plan house) and had every opportunity to take over, get hold of the bacon and tell me to not throw it away please, or to say 'you sit down I'll clean the fridge it's my fault'. Etc.

And now I feel guilty. Should I replace his bacon?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 28/10/2015 19:44

He's lived there 28 years. He isn;t going to sell.

You are deluding yourself if you think he is. And whatever kind of slob he is I kinda don;t blame him.

You need to work out how you get out - how he is going to take over the mortgage from you. Lots of people live somewhere 4 years and see no profit from it - I'm afraid I also think you're being mercenary.

Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 19:45

Anyway, I am leaving the thread now. I've had enough stress over the last few years and am just getting myself back to worrying about me again rather than him, and I have the answer to my question, and I have to go out now anyway.

Thank you for all the useful contributions :)

OP posts:
Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 19:46

kew I've never said I expected him to sell!! Can people RTFT on here?

Right I am off! :)

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 28/10/2015 19:46

You aren't coming out of this well.... It's not your house. It's his. Pissey booze hound or not. Tell him what you need to leave eg rent and deposit and go and leave him to his gaff.... That's his.... Not yours by the way....

Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 28/10/2015 19:46

In fact, I even said those exact words, that I don't blame him!
DEFINITELY gone now :)

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 28/10/2015 19:46

Why wouldn't you? Because you don't want to live there and don't want to be paying 50% of the mortgage indefinitely, but he does want to live there so won't be selling up any time soon, but is also apparently not in any position to buy you out. Are you going to wait for him to die?

Kewcumber · 28/10/2015 19:47

You will be there forever with your attitude. Is there even a clause in your agreement with him to allow you to force him to sell?

Kewcumber · 28/10/2015 19:47

Sorry Cross -posted. How are you going to make money if you don;t expect him to sell? Confused

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/10/2015 19:48

"I wanted a partnership with him and he then showed me his true colours after I moved in.

He has been totally awful to me the whole time, give or take one or two weeks where he's been sober."

And now....

" I wanted more than anything to be in a relationship with him, until recently when I realised he isn't capable of such."

Make your mind up - he has always been awful, or it has been ok until recently.

I call bullshit. Either that, or you seriously need to rethink your career as a "therapist" and get some therapy for yourself first.

Kewcumber · 28/10/2015 19:50

If you remortgage to get some cash out then you're just taking on a bigger mortgage on a place you don;t want to live in Confused which will mean higher repayments and you would still have to pay rent where you moved to.

Of course you'd have a little equity but that will only pay so many months rent and you'll be in an impossible position paying mortgage and rent.

Totally confused

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 28/10/2015 19:53

Curly - please stop telling OP to just stop paying the mortgage!
It will ruin her credit rating.

Does all sound v strange though. Something doesn't add up.

Why not go and see a solicitor, OP? Although bit more complicated than what you can cover in the magical free half-hour. You might need, shock horror, to pay for professionals to sort this mess out.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/10/2015 19:54

She you're planning to keep the house forever whilst not living there and keep paying the mortgage? What? What is your endgame here? If he lives there forever when do you plan to get a payout?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/10/2015 20:00

She could sign over any rights tothe property back to him though, surely? And keep her good credit rating? She has said if she doesn't pay it won't cause a problem becUse he has money? Confused

The way OP describes it, he can pay the mortgage no probkem even if she is no longer a joint owner. So I don't see why there is any need for the OP to stay as one? The only reason she seems to be staying is that it's somewhere to live while she is training, at that she thinks she can use the equity to remortgage. Not sure about remortgaging when she would be no longer a joint applicant, anyway!!!

All sounds too WIERD to me. What sort of a house doesn't have a kitchen in it, as OP described the state of it when she moved in. And what sort of training to be a therapist demands she be away from her place of residence most of the week???

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 28/10/2015 20:15

Yeah but the lender has to AGREE to her being taken off the mortgage before she stops paying! She cant just fuck off and rent somewhere instead. And this transfer of title will cost legal fees.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/10/2015 20:26

I was suggesting it was a possibility. I know she can't just fuck off. But Surely if she is no longer with her ex then it wouldn't be too big a deal to sort out? This sort of thing must happen all the time.

Kewcumber · 28/10/2015 20:55

If he doesn't have a job I don't see any lender agreeing to take her off the mortgage. Unless he has enough income from his inheritance.

Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 29/10/2015 16:50

curly I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship with an alcoholic for four years.
I am only just getting myself back together.

I was in a difficult position as I loved him and wanted to help-of course I wanted more than anything to be with him for this time!I wanted him to get better and us to be together. Hindsight is wonderful and now I realise what has gone on and that it has been awful from start to finish, but at the time yes-I did just want to be with him. I struggle to see what is so difficult to grasp about that.

Call bullshit if you like. I am in therapy, thank you. But then I have to be, I can't qualify unless I've had a certain number of hours of it.

My job doesn't 'demand' I am away most of the week and I do not recall saying such, either.

There was a derelict kitchen when I moved in, nothing worked in it and it was rotten. I said I'd sort it out.And I did.

I keep out of his way, I stay away, we mostly get on okay and I have improved living standards for both of us. He'd have lost the house without me, let alone had one that's much nicer than it was originally.

OP posts:
Original poster
matchingsocks7 · 29/10/2015 16:53

And yes, of course with him not having an income, me moving out would be detrimental to him when he runs out of money, AND a lender won't tolerate my not being on the mortgage (I think somebody said that upthread).

Of course the house is mortgaged, so strictly speaking it belongs to the bank. But both our names are on the mortgage, so It's mine and his, not his, whoever said that. We co-own.

OP posts:
StackladysMorphicResonator · 29/10/2015 17:12

OP is definitely on the make. Not denying that it's hard living with an alcoholic, but she's moved in, got herself on the deeds AND he's financed her course - now she's planning to take 50% of the value of the home of a vulnerable person based on the bits and bobs of repair work she's done?!

I feel very, very sorry for the poor man.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/10/2015 17:20

Where do you stay the rest of the week?

Can't you stay there for the other night?

I think you think you're 'owed' for the heartbreak he has caused. I do have some sympathy with that pov. But honestly, you are on a hiding to nothing. Just break away.

BojackHorseman · 29/10/2015 17:26

Wow, you sound wonderful OP.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/10/2015 17:33

Sounds like you started a relationship with him 4 years ago and moved in with him then? From what you say you were put on the mortgage from the off. I am struggling to understand why anyone would move in with someone knowing they had an alcohol problem, and then tie themselves to that person by getting put on the mortgage immediately.

I could understand it if you were selling up your own property to move in with him and so therefore stood to lose out financially if it all went tits up. But I don't think I'm on my own in wondering why you chose to move in with an alcoholic to HIS house where he had lived for 28 years and get yourself put on the mortgage immediately without seeing how the relationship was going to pan out first. I imagine that most people moving into someone's house would agree to contribute towards the mortgage in some way in lieu of paying for their own place of residence. And after a year or two when it was obvious the relationship was going great, and te future was looking long-term etc, THEN have the discussion about changing the ownership to a joint one. But actually getting yourself put on the deeds immediately you move in with someone in a new relationship is a whole different ball game. Can you understand why people think this is odd?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/10/2015 17:40

In all honesty it sounds like the mortgage would have been better left as it was. Interest-only or whatever. Only in his name. He could have lived in that house cheaply for a number of years on the money he has, and when it came time to repay the capital, sell the house to pay it off (house price would probably be a lot more than what would be outstanding on the mortgage) and downsize to a little flat. And no messy input from anyone else to complicate things.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/10/2015 17:42

You need to go to the bank and see about the possibility of getting yourself taken off the mortgage. Forget about what you put in. This is like an albatross round your neck now and it has only been 4 years of your life.

DontMindMe1 · 29/10/2015 19:25

I am struggling to understand why anyone would move in with someone knowing they had an alcohol problem, and then tie themselves to that person by getting put on the mortgage immediately

Some people can see the pound signs, easy money. OP isn't coming back to this thread because she knows she can't answer the questions put to her truthfully without exposing her plan....

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