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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a thank you when DH is working away?

152 replies

Probablyunreasonable · 28/10/2015 08:41

I suspect I am almost definitely being unreasonable - I am just so tired. DH works away a reasonable amount. Not every week but maybe once every 2-3 weeks. We both work in relatively stressful jobs, although I have gone back to work on fixed hours so that I can leave a bit early and have the evening with DD.

DD has never been a great sleeper and even now, at 2, she is a very early riser. Obviously she is my whole world and I love her to bits, but she is having tantrums the like of which I have never seen before, and we are also in the middle of potty training. Getting DD to use the potty and into pyjamas and bed can sometimes take 2 hours of her thrashing and hitting and screaming at me until she's purple in the face. By 9pm, after a full day in work and an evening of this, I'm sometimes in tears. It grates a bit to be told that DH is also still working hard when actually he is sitting around a bonfire with his work team, having a beer and roasting marshmallows. He seems genuinely astonished that I might want a break when he gets home, or when I try to explain to him that his going away makes things harder for me. I know that sometimes work trips away need to be done and I'm not suggesting that he doesn't go, but sometimes a thank you would go a long way. He seems really cross when I say this. AIBU? I probably am.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 28/10/2015 19:55

Does he have options to reduce his work travel?

StarlingMurmuration · 28/10/2015 19:56

You make it sound like your child is some sort of chore. Presumably when you decided to become pregnant you knew you'd have to mmm parent the child?

Are you fucking shitting me?! In what world is looking after a toddler NOT hard work? What about OP's DH? Didn't he think he might "have to mmm parent the child" too, or is he allowed to have time away because of his magical penis?

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 19:59

Just out of interest, why would she be being U if she was a sahp? Those poor blighters need a break from childcare more than anyone else, imvho. At least op isn't toddler-wrangling 24-7.

Threeboysandus · 28/10/2015 20:10

Autumnleaves response is just ridiculous! Just because we choose to have children, we can never complain or have a rant!

OP is having a rant that she wants a little recognition for the hard work she puts in. By the sounds of it her DH rarely has sole care of their DD. OP is working and lookig after dd on her own. She's going through a tough time as her dd isn't sleeping and is having tantrums. Of course she knew she'd have to parent her!! Ugh it's responses like yours that turn people off posting for advice.

iminshock · 28/10/2015 20:19

thanking on both sides is good!

But the real issue is a 2 hour bedtime tussle. You need to find a way round that. I don't think that's normal or acceptable and it will drive you nuts with resentment and exhaustion.

As others have said , leave the potty training for now !Good luck

WorzelsCornyBrows · 28/10/2015 20:27

Lauren I asked whether you worked because you didn't mention it in your post.

Mintyy I think doing the majority of parenting and housework during the week does come as part and parcel of being a SAHP, but I said in my post, that applies during the week. I absolutely agree that those guys need a break at weekends too!

Mellifera · 28/10/2015 20:45

YANBU

I'd be pissed off if my DH was away for the week and came back without acknowledging the hard work of sole parenting.

We do thank each other for things, for a dinner cooked at the end of a hard day, for managing a particularly difficult day without any help (because the OH couldn't help), for a pile of ironing done after a long day at work, for keeping dc out of OH's hair when they need a break etc.

Taking things for granted when the balance of 50/50 is disturbed is bound to leave a bad taste in your mouth. Talk to him about it. Once he's home from marshmellow roasting.

TheDowagerCuntess · 28/10/2015 20:49

It really would kill some people to offer a bit of sympathy and kindness sometimes, I think.

If you feel you absolutely have to come on and put the boot in, then so be it. Well done - hope you feel good about yourself and the way you make others feel about themselves. Confused

TheDowagerCuntess · 28/10/2015 20:50

To be clear - my post isn't directed at the reasonable people posting above me!

FourForYouGlenCoco · 28/10/2015 21:07

Mintyy - what Worzels said basically. If you choose to be a SAHP (because that is a choice really, and yes I know childcare costs blah blah, and I am a SAHP so not judging at ALL!) then I honestly think part and parcel of that is doing the lion's share of childcare and housework. That IS the partner's contribution to the family economy so it's not unreasonable to expect them to do more. If, as in OP's case, both parents are working, it seems that the balance should be split much more equally between the two.
Plus IME it is much much harder to be a working parent. SAHM has been a breeze for me. However, full disclaimer, it only started in May and I only have the 1, fairly easy-going, 3YO. She started preschool a couple of months ago, so SAH parenting for me has largely consisted of Jezza and occasionally flinging the Hoover about for a few minutes and chucking some dishes in the sink Blush

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 21:12

Yes, your experience of sah parenting does sound to be a breeze. Congratulations.

And "childcare costs blah blah blah" is really not any sort of intelligent comment or persuasive argument.

And yes, sahp do generally accept it is their lot in life to do the childcare when the oh (if there is an oh) is at work but then they are quite within their rights to have a bit of a fucking break from childcare in the evenings and at weekends? Yes?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2015 21:20

Plus IME it is much much harder to be a working parent. Depends on the child, the job and the parent!

WorzelsCornyBrows · 28/10/2015 21:24

To be fair I adore spending time with my DC, but if I were spending all week looking after them and doing most of the housework, I'd be climbing the walls by the weekend for a bit of personal space and peace. I didn't suggest otherwise.

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 21:25

I honestly think my dh would phsl at the notion that it is harder to be sahp than wohp. My dh, the one who travels abroad a LOT, frequently up to six weeks at a time. My dh who went to China for a week when our baby was 5 months old. I really don't think he thought I had it easier than him for that week Hmm.

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 21:25

Sorry, of course I mean other way round.

AwfulBeryl · 28/10/2015 21:28

Bloody hell, I used to be a sahm, dp had to go away a lot in the early days of having new born twins. It was fucking hard.
He was still really appreciative of what I did, just as much as he is now I am at work.

sahp need a break as much as wohp.
It was and still is the long slog with out any help that is hard no matter what your situation.

Threeboysandus · 28/10/2015 21:29

He wouldn't agree because presumably he has never been a sahp, mintyy?

I have done both and it is, in my opinion so much harder to be at home full time.

AwfulBeryl · 28/10/2015 21:32

Forgot to add that I had a training week around a month ago, it was fucking awesome. I stayed in a nice quiet hotel, didn't even have to cook dinner and do any chores - I finished training and chilled out.
Dp worked from home that week and did everything at home, of course I was grateful, of course I said thank you. Only a complete arsenal hole wouldn't

lieselvontwat · 28/10/2015 21:36

The OP sounds like a martyr and a nag.

And you sound like a fuckwit genn. The use of the word 'nag' is always a clue.

dogdaysareover · 28/10/2015 21:42

My Dh works very long hours, frequently not home until the kids are asleep and leaves before they are really awake. 2 Dc under 4 and my GOD it is HARD HARD HARD work. I woh 2 days a week and they are bliss. I love the bones of my DC but being in sole charge (no family around to help either) is draining in a way that DH cannot even imagine. When he looks after them, I always think it is for a defined time, say an hour whist I nip to the hairdressers. He knows this is a defined time period, he enjoys it and sees it as massive fun. But then that is really not comparable to the circus which is bath time, teeth brushing, toilet training, washing, packing up lunches, tidying toys, cleaning up endless weaning mess, answering a zillion pointless questions, being whichever character my 3 year old dictates, planning meals, making meals, cleaning the kitchen, the bathroom, folding washing, putting it away...whilst I am doing this, DH is driving, an admittedly long commute, listening to Radio 4. Yes I do envy him and think my 'witching hours' are far far worse than his. Sorry, my point is YADNBU and don't let anyone tell you you are. Being at the coalface of parenting is the hardest job in the world imho. Well done you.

Purplepoodle · 28/10/2015 21:43

Oh works away during the week. He's smart enough not to tell me if he's had a nice pub lunch ect as he knows it's the last thing I want to hear when wrangling 3 kids (1 terrible 2).

He listens to me moan and bitching and makes right noises a as is he husbands duty

Iv found constant texts of 10mins updates of the latest chaos is usually enough to send him the msg he's having the easier time.

As for toddler. Stick nappy on, pop into my bed, climb in myself and have a early night. (Taking out ipad once toddler is snoring). He gets a bit offended when daddy comes home and wants his bed back

FourForYouGlenCoco · 28/10/2015 21:58

mintyy was trying to preempt someone saying that costs of childcare make it not financially feasible to work in some cases!
And yes of course everyone deserves a break. I never said they didn't. Obviously no one has to love every single second of parenting just because they wanted a kid. Was just commiserating with OP and saying that I found working and doing all the other stuff intensely stressful compared to staying home. And that she therefore deserves some help and appreciation from her OH. As does everyone.

Want2bSupermum · 28/10/2015 22:01

I had a client where I had to be away for the audit Monday - Friday. I got a stellar review and it was my best review of the year. When talking to my partner I told her that of course it was my best review. It was the only time where I could focus on work and have proper sleep every night.

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 22:03

Yes, cost of childcare makes being a sahp not a choice in many cases. So therefore it is not a CHOICE and blah blah blah is no kind of argument.

JeanSeberg · 28/10/2015 22:09

I'd be fucked off too if I didn't get some acknowledgement that my husband was happy for me to fuck up my career at the expense of his own and fail to even realise it.