to want a thank you when DH is working away?

[Probablyunreasonable]

I suspect I am almost definitely being unreasonable - I am just so tired. DH works away a reasonable amount. Not every week but maybe once every 2-3 weeks. We both work in relatively stressful jobs, although I have gone back to work on fixed hours so that I can leave a bit early and have the evening with DD.

DD has never been a great sleeper and even now, at 2, she is a very early riser. Obviously she is my whole world and I love her to bits, but she is having tantrums the like of which I have never seen before, and we are also in the middle of potty training. Getting DD to use the potty and into pyjamas and bed can sometimes take 2 hours of her thrashing and hitting and screaming at me until she's purple in the face. By 9pm, after a full day in work and an evening of this, I'm sometimes in tears. It grates a bit to be told that DH is also still working hard when actually he is sitting around a bonfire with his work team, having a beer and roasting marshmallows. He seems genuinely astonished that I might want a break when he gets home, or when I try to explain to him that his going away makes things harder for me. I know that sometimes work trips away need to be done and I'm not suggesting that he doesn't go, but sometimes a thank you would go a long way. He seems really cross when I say this. AIBU? I probably am.

He sounds like an arsehole.

He can't understand why you want a break when he comes back from his marshmallow roasting?

He can't understand why you're exhausted from having sole care of your dd?

My dh works away a lot leaving me with three under 8. It's exhausting sometimes, there's no down time. It is what it is and I don't mind.

But I'd be less than impressed if he swanned back in and didn't pick up the slack. They're his children too, he can parent them when he's here end of.

He is, thankfully, appreciate of what I do or at least he acknowledges it!

Perhaps 'thank you' is the wrong wording but your sentiment is not wrong.

Agree with this:

"Today 08:55 StarlingMurmuration

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want some acknowledgement from your DH that you have a lot to cope with while he is away. You being at home looking after DD facilitates his working away, after all. And it also isn't unreasonable to want a bit of a break when he comes back, either. Presumably he's getting at least a couple of evenings to himself, or at least socialising with work friends, every time he's away, so it's only fair that you get a bit of time to yourself once he comes back."

2 issues here I think.

1. Feeling unappreciated/taken for granted.

Has been covered by PP I personally dont want Tit for tat time off but i DO like to be acknowledged and appreciated - so whatever format that takes, you need to communicate esp as you being at home facilitates him being able to travel worry free.

2 . I have a 2 year old. She dodges / tries to dosge bedtime but hitting etc is not acceptable. If potty training is this hard - leave it - she is not ready (imh first time mum o).

Cheesynachos - Hope you feel a bit better now after that!

Bit embarrassed tbh, Bam.

But have decided that I might be a bit more vocal IRL and 'suck it up' a bit less.

I agree also the problem for the OP is feeling taken for granted and unappreciated. That only breeds resentment as I know too well! So OP needs to communicate it also. :)

YANBU about wanting a bit of recognition but I do think you're being a bit of a mummy martyr.

She's obviously not ready for potty training so just drop it for now. Your bedtime routine is obviously not working - why not just put her to bed later when she is ready? I assume she has to be up for nursery/CM, so why not just try cutting out the tantruming for 2 hours and putting her to bed a bit later? And if you're so tired at 9pm, why not go to bed at the same time or earlier than you normally would?

I hate bedtimes myself and will always try and make DH do them if I can possible get away with it. But in the nicest possible way, you have one child and a partner who is sometimes away. Military wives and single parents do it all the time. Parents of multiples do it with more than one child. Instead of looking for your husband to thank you looking after your DD, why not look at where you can cut yourself some slack, especially while he's away?

The end of the day with a tired 2 yo is the worst bit of parenting ime...we had this argument and all I can say is, take some action - can you hire a babysitter one night mid-week so you can go out and take the pressure off? Even if they do 2 hours at bedtime while you go sit in a cafe. For years we had the situation where every weekend we both felt we'd had the harder week and deserved an easy weekend & it leads to bad feeling. This does get easier as your children get older, 1.5-3 was a hard high tantrum phase but it's very different now DD1 is 5.

I totally get you. Do it myself and I am on an 80% schedule where I am working 40 hours a week. I am up at 5am and collapse at 11pm. By Friday I am exhausted. What's worse is that DH will often have to leave Saturday night because his arse of an employer has arranged the first meeting for 8am on Monday morning and his fight won't get him there till lunchtime if he leaves Sunday night.

I had it out with DH when he had he nerve to complain of being exhausted. I went nuts because I'd had the worst week in terms of work, sick kids and doing it all on my own. I didn't so much as expect a thank you but a bloody lie in and for someone else to do the cooking and cleaning all weekend.

YANBU! Totally agree with Cheesy too - the woman does it and she's just being mum, the man does it and he's bloody superman!

I live in a large expat community, where many women are SAHMs and it's the dads who stereotypically work away. To be honest, I'm amazed at how some of the marriages survive. I have a friend with three under four and when her youngest was 6 days old, her (D)H buggered off to South America for a fortnight, leaving her to cope alone. She tried to put on a brave face but you could tell she was heartbroken. I mean, who does that to their wife? Many of the wives can't work due to the responsibilities of the man's job and so not only are they doing everything at home, they are also putting their own careers on hold. The men earn well, but they're not millionaires.

OP - I think you deserve way more. Invoice your DH for the childcare you provide? Get a nanny to cover the hours you want a break, or would be having a break if he were around? And long term, consider whether this is the lifestyle you both want. Working away doesn't really work when you have children in the same way it did before. And it always relies on the other partner to pick up the slack. Is the paycheck worth the resentment this causes and the pressure this can put on a marriage long term? I wish you luck.

yabu - you should not be thanks for cleaning up after yourself and staying at home. how can he be responsible for something when he isn't there. if he isn't there life at home should be easier because you are only cleaning up after yourself - your not doing anything for him at all.

do you thank him for going away and earning money to keep a roof over your head?

Agree with those suggesting just to leave the potty training for now - if the child isn't ready then you just end up hitting your head against a brick wall. Not good for you or the little one.

I used to work away quite regularly and loathed it - hate airports and air travel, sitting in hotels alone after meetings. Working away isn't always just a jolly with golf and cocktails, as some seem to think it is.

Cheesy I'm sorry to hear you have had similar to me. No autisim here, but DH travelled more than me, and no comments about how I'd copy (working FT at that point), however the week I go away, all sorts of comments about who was looking after the kids. When I said "their Dad", I got asked if he was taking holiday.... Err no. He's going to do what I do when hrs travelling. Why the assumption only Mummy is capable of looking after their children over night?

OP - I think you deserve way more. Invoice your DH for the childcare you provide?

Good God - should he then be invoicing her for bed and board???

agree with pp who said working away isn't a big jolly like some people are making out. I think I work harder when im away because there is so much to be done.

OP - I think you deserve way more. Invoice your DH for the childcare you provide?

Good God - should he then be invoicing her for bed and board???

I think what a lot of people are missing here is that OP also works and has reduced her hours so the whole "he's going out to get money for the family" doesn't wash, because so does she.

And even if OP WAS a SAHM who had agreed that she'd take on the vast majority of childcare whilst her DH worked away, that still doesn't prevent him from appreciating the work she does, and acknowledging that actually an evening attempting to potty train a 2 year old is probably a wee bit harder than an evening BBQing marshmallows.

Peggy, I appreciate that sometimes that may be true, but as I mentioned in my OP, it doesn't seem to be the case here. And no, DH won't be invoicing me for bed and board as I also work and contribute a reasonable amount to the household finances - we are both working to keep a roof over our heads. It's just that I'm then doing extra on top. I would also add that with a two year old in the house, it's not really a matter of just cleaning up after myself/whether or not I am doing anything for him during the week. I am doing a lot for him during the week; I am looking after our (and the operative word is "our", not just "my") child. This is a shared responsibility, which I am now fulfilling on my own. I am doing his 50% of the parenting.

these conversations are lose-lose though when you start weighing up factors you wouldn't/couldn't change - DH ultimately got a payrise on the back of working away and doing long hours, so there was an eventual pay-back but in the short run it sucked. I wouldn't wait for appreciation and try to see what you can do to make things better in a tangible way.

You make it sound like your child is some sort of chore. Presumably when you decided to become pregnant you knew you'd have to mmm parent the child?

I never think only 50% of the child rearing is down to me, sometimes I'm home sometimes DH is. As long as one of us is here it doesn't matter which and we dont count hours or percentages.

You slate his job as being easy and just roasting marshmallows and he's the thankless one?

my DH would and did argue, for example, that all the extra work he was doing was for us and would mean a payrise, so these things are circular.

I am doing a lot for him during the week; I am looking after our (and the operative word is "our", not just "my") child. This is a shared responsibility, which I am now fulfilling on my own. I am doing his 50% of the parenting.

Is there any possibility that he could change roles, or even get a different job which doesn't require travelling? Or even just knock travelling on the head in his current job for a while? It doesn't sound sustainable as it is.

btw Op's having a rough time and looking for support, I do totally understand your resentment and that you're doing the sh1te jobs while he's furthering his career even if it'll benefit you all. We nearly ended up divorced over it!

agree with pp who said working away isn't a big jolly like some people are making out. I think I work harder when im away because there is so much to be done.

But OP has specifically mentioned him having downtime when he's away though peggy. Beers and bonfires were referred to, while she's dealing with a tantrumming toddler. So people aren't just inventing this, they're basing it on the information the OP has given. That's what's relevant here, not things other people do when they work away.

Autumn leaves, I don't think I said his job was easy. What I did say was that he was doing his job for the same amount of time as I was doing mine, but then he has evenings off and I spent my evenings doing the things that needed doing to keep the domestic show on the road for all of us. Factually, when I rang him, he was indeed roasting the flipping marshmallows. I'm not making it up - that was just factually what he was doing. The night before he'd gone out to dinner, and then they'd spent the morning doing a team hike to have lunch in a country pub. I'm not the one saying it was easy; you can draw your own conclusions from those facts.

I love DD to bits, as I'm sure we all adore our children. I think that if you are saying that you have enjoyed every single bit of parenting and have never ever for a moment felt tired or stressed by it then I would offer you my wholehearted congratulations, but I might respectfully suggest that you are in a minority.

When either dh or I are away we are the pitied one because the other ones is with our children.

It might be hard work but we love to be with them.

We might be sympathetic for a particularly difficult night but normal is normal. And then you get the run of the telly.

You def need to address your bedtime routine as well.

I can't remember if this I'd aibu but if so yabu

probably i see it slightly different i guess - you aren't doing extra on top - you are looking after your child.

if you dont like it then you have a choice to make - either you put up with it or he gives up his job to look after his child - you cannot have it both ways.

lieselvontwat given OP child is 2 and goes to bed I guess she gets downtime too? she also doesn't do any parenting during the day because she works so at most she might be doing 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours at night?