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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want a thank you when DH is working away?

152 replies

Probablyunreasonable · 28/10/2015 08:41

I suspect I am almost definitely being unreasonable - I am just so tired. DH works away a reasonable amount. Not every week but maybe once every 2-3 weeks. We both work in relatively stressful jobs, although I have gone back to work on fixed hours so that I can leave a bit early and have the evening with DD.

DD has never been a great sleeper and even now, at 2, she is a very early riser. Obviously she is my whole world and I love her to bits, but she is having tantrums the like of which I have never seen before, and we are also in the middle of potty training. Getting DD to use the potty and into pyjamas and bed can sometimes take 2 hours of her thrashing and hitting and screaming at me until she's purple in the face. By 9pm, after a full day in work and an evening of this, I'm sometimes in tears. It grates a bit to be told that DH is also still working hard when actually he is sitting around a bonfire with his work team, having a beer and roasting marshmallows. He seems genuinely astonished that I might want a break when he gets home, or when I try to explain to him that his going away makes things harder for me. I know that sometimes work trips away need to be done and I'm not suggesting that he doesn't go, but sometimes a thank you would go a long way. He seems really cross when I say this. AIBU? I probably am.

OP posts:

Janeymoo50 · 28/10/2015 12:24

I think at the moment you need to make it easier for yourself, certainly back off on the potty training in the evenings when daddy is away (it's too late and you're both tired by them). I just think that if the evenings were less stressful and busy they might be easier when he's away Even if you stop the potty training when your're home alone etc. I mean, even not having a bath that one night a week wouldn't really harm would it (obvs I'm not saying change your whole routine but if those nights are the hardest then make them easier). Not sure he should thank you but certainly an acknowledgement of how it's a struggle alone would be good.

Want2bSupermum · 28/10/2015 12:36

Got a min more to properly respond. You need to get your kids in a routine and your DH MUST follow this routine when he is home. I have a 4 and 2 year old and its bloody never ending when you are doing it alone. I have no idea how single parents do it.

I also use services like the kids laundry is picked up in the morning on a Thursday morning and delivered that evening in nice folded piles ready for me to shove in a drawer. I have food delivered every night for my dinner and have a standing arrangement i get a discount. I also buy lunch at work and DD gets purchased lunch.

Want2bSupermum · 28/10/2015 12:38

Oh and if your DH complains about the cost tell him to ask for a raise or get a different job. Mine had the nerve to complain about the cost and I told DH that alimony would be far more expensive.

lieselvontwat · 28/10/2015 12:38

OP will be doing well if her disrupted, upset two year old requires no night time parenting peggy and she presumably has a house to run so I wouldn't be assuming she gets downtime once DD is asleep. But using your conservative estimate for a minute, that's 20 hours solo parenting of a difficult toddler, including very early mornings, that she does on top of her full time job. That just spells out what a problem it is that DH can't understand why she would find this hard and exhausting.

Murdock · 28/10/2015 12:40

Oh and if your DH complains about the cost tell him to ask for a raise or get a different job. Mine had the nerve to complain about the cost and I told DH that alimony would be far more expensive.

Sounds like the job market near you must be rather different than for most people.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 28/10/2015 12:44

Your DH should absolutely acknowledge that him being away makes it harder for you.

He is getting some uninterrupted time to focus on his work, socialise with his colleagues if he wants to, sleep without wondering whether a small child is going to wake him up.

YANBU

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 12:56

PeggyUndercrackers

"probably i see it slightly different i guess - you aren't doing extra on top - you are looking after your child.

if you dont like it then you have a choice to make - either you put up with it or he gives up his job to look after his child - you cannot have it both ways."

I don't think I have ever seen a more stupid comment on Mumsnet. And that's saying something.

Namechangenell · 28/10/2015 13:12

Peggy - I can't work out if you're being incredibly goady or are just ridiculously naive?! Either way, you appear to inhabit a very different world from the one the OP does.

It's not just the childrearing, is it? It's all the other stuff that's needed to ensure a family home runs functionally, that can't be done by the absent partner. Unless many services are bought in, as Want suggests, I imagine it's down to the OP to do the washing, sort the house, ensure there's food in the cupboards, facilitate birthday gifts and so on - ie to do all the so-called 'Wifework' as she's physically in the home. I'm sure she was well aware that pregnancy would result in a child who needed to be looked after - but she thought she'd be doing that in conjunction with her partner. She didn't sign up to work full time, and be the 24 hour cook, cleaner and bottle washer on top, whilst said partner could opt in and out of family life and the associated, mundane, everyday responsibilities. I'm sure it must be amazing to be him - work away all week, meals prepared and so on, full nights of sleep in a fab hotel, then to come home to a well run household where he gets to be Disney dad to his daughter every weekend. No wonder you're resentful, OP!

cantucci01 · 28/10/2015 13:19

You could look at it that you need to, as a family, pay for 50% more help when DH is away for the level of effort to be equal if DH is doing no extra work while away. I don't think looking after a tantrumming toddler is anyone's definition of enjoyable, that's got nothing to do with how much you love them.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 28/10/2015 13:22

YANB at all U.

I work full time, DH works full time, so far so equal. However, DH also works away a lot, so all household duties and family duties fall to me during this time. Recently we all had illnesses, diary conflicts, workmen in the house and the associated disruption, all whilst he was away.

Like your DH, my husband works 9-5ish when he is away. The evenings and nights are his own to do as he wishes or socialise with colleagues if they want to.

Unlike your DH, my DH comes home and shows his appreciation for my keeping everything going on his absence and let's me have some time to myself at the weekend to spend some time by myself if I need to.

To the women here who think it's unreasonable to expect some appreciation from your partner, this isn't the 1950's and you don't need to wear your martyrdom like a badge of honour. I appreciate all the things my DH does and it goes both ways. Nothing wrong with that, nothing at all.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 28/10/2015 13:30

Lets - stupid phone

Want2bSupermum · 28/10/2015 13:39

murdock There are always positions opening up. You might not be able to change jobs right away but finding a more family friendly role is not impossible. I did it and it took me a year. My current employer then miraculously countered with reduced hours of 20% for a 10% pay cut with minimal travel.

DH has had lots of job offers that pay the same or more than he currently makes with better working conditions. He has a job offer about 3-4 times a year.

minimalist000001 · 28/10/2015 13:43

Can you buy in some cleaners time while he's away.

Also once he's back, you need to let him take charge of the kids for 15 or so hours to give you a break/sleep

Lastly, can you leave nappy training till she's 3.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2015 13:51

Remember ladies, once sperm hits egg, everything is fabulous. You chose this remember. Every vomit, poo on the carpet and scream in the face is a gift. Keep smiling and never complain. Why should your OH thank you or even acknowledge your existence? He works so hard, bless him.

When he gets in rub his feet and hand him a drink. Don't forget to make sure you put your lippy on. He works so hard, bless him.

Want2bSupermum · 28/10/2015 14:01

MrsPratchett

I have a sneeky suspicion a couple of these posters have a doormat sign pencilled in on their foreheads. Well I washed that off a long time ago.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2015 14:04

Or they are secretly men, trained to infiltrate MN and change us back to the docile and fragrant creatures of yesteryear.

Want2bSupermum · 28/10/2015 14:14

Yeah those days are long gone.

My moment of change came when DS was 6 weeks old and DH left to go to England for 10 days. He left on a Friday night and returned on the following Monday. I had told DH I wasn't ok being on my own with 2 kids under the ago of 2 so soon after having a CS. We arranged for his parents to come over and help but the fucking idiots booked their flight for the Monday so they had the weekend back home in Denmark. Well there was me on my bloody own from Friday Am with 2 kids until Monday 4pm when his parents arrived. I was so exhausted I had a migraine on Saturday night and a policeman had to drive us home. I quickly realized I couldn't rely on DH and had to get help so I wasn't so tired. I was trying to do the whole stiff upper lip, pull your socks up and get on with it. My MIL had the nerve to complain when I picked them up from the airport and stopped at Cheesecake Factory for dinner. Apparently I should have had a dinner ready for them. Well I lost it and told her that she should be bloody ashamed of raising a son who thought it ok to leave his wife and children with no support.

howabout · 28/10/2015 14:16

MrsPratchett

You forgot to go out all day and earn twice his salary to relieve some of his work pressure first - tut

Bambambini · 28/10/2015 14:23

Ah, peggy likes a little goading.

Genx77 · 28/10/2015 16:46

YABU, for what it's worth four pages in.....
I'm assuming he HAS to work away? Ie he hasn't specifically chosen to be away from the family home? If he had chosen then yes he would have been unreasonable but if it's part of his job then you've got to just suck it up?
My husband has been away from home with work since Sunday, he's back tonight, it's half term and I have 2 very lively Young boys. Yes, it's hard work, yes I'm knackered, but these are my children. You sound so resentful but if he has to stay away what exactly do you want him to do? My husband hates being away from us but the last thing he needs when he walks through the door is me demanding a thank you for looking after my own children! It's not about being a surrendered wife, shit needs doing, he's away with work so I do it.

Want2bSupermum · 28/10/2015 17:17

Genx. You said it all when you say these are my children. DH and I refer to the DC as our children.

Namechangenell · 28/10/2015 17:21

Exactly Want. People can choose jobs where they work away - or don't. Working away isn't always conducive to a balanced family life. The OP's DH could change jobs. That he chooses not to, to the detriment of the OP's life, says rather a lot about him.

Genx77 · 28/10/2015 17:27

But when my husband isn't here I do refer to them as my children?! Op is complaining that she's 'has to do' his 50% of the parenting, well how can he do it if he's not there?!

Genx77 · 28/10/2015 17:29

I'm not sure where you live, but I don't expect my husband to ditch his job after 15 years because I can't cope for a few nights on my own. The OP sounds like a martyr and a nag.

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 17:32

No, the op does not sound like a martyr and a nag at all.

You, otoh Genx, come across as ever so slightly pleased with yourself and a wee bit ignorant to boot.

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