to want a thank you when DH is working away?

[Probablyunreasonable]

I suspect I am almost definitely being unreasonable - I am just so tired. DH works away a reasonable amount. Not every week but maybe once every 2-3 weeks. We both work in relatively stressful jobs, although I have gone back to work on fixed hours so that I can leave a bit early and have the evening with DD.

DD has never been a great sleeper and even now, at 2, she is a very early riser. Obviously she is my whole world and I love her to bits, but she is having tantrums the like of which I have never seen before, and we are also in the middle of potty training. Getting DD to use the potty and into pyjamas and bed can sometimes take 2 hours of her thrashing and hitting and screaming at me until she's purple in the face. By 9pm, after a full day in work and an evening of this, I'm sometimes in tears. It grates a bit to be told that DH is also still working hard when actually he is sitting around a bonfire with his work team, having a beer and roasting marshmallows. He seems genuinely astonished that I might want a break when he gets home, or when I try to explain to him that his going away makes things harder for me. I know that sometimes work trips away need to be done and I'm not suggesting that he doesn't go, but sometimes a thank you would go a long way. He seems really cross when I say this. AIBU? I probably am.

What's wrong with appreciating each other? DH works away sometimes and it does make my life harder. He avoids it if he can because he knows its more difficult for me. It would drive me nuts if he made out that his working away had no impact on my life.

I can totally understand how you feel. You want acknowledgement that you are working bloody hard whilst he is having a bit of a jolly.

It's so easy to hide behind the 'but I'm working' line, but unless he is mining coal the likelihood is he is enjoying the downtime of an evening with some adult company and probably a nice meal and a glass of wine (if my DPs working away is anything to go by).

You are probably only going to feel a bit better when the tantrums ease up and you can get some proper sleep again. He will always insist he is doing the lions share work wise I suspect as it's human nature to feel as though we are the hard done by party. I think it sounds like you are doing an amazing job though and I would certainly be saying thank you in his shoes.

Rather than moaning about your DH, do you think it might be more sensible to delay potty training for a while? Your DD doesn't sound ready and it would give you the break you obviously need from her tantrums.

What job does your DH do? I want a job that just involves sitting round a bonfire eating marshmallows! Is he a cowboy?

The thank you isn't the main point here, I don't think. It's worrying that he's unable to understand how much harder your life is when he has to go away, and that he doesn't comprehend that you need a break too- because he's evidently getting a bit of one. He needs to get his head round that.

My DH works away and I'm also potty training a two year old (and I have an 8 month old). It's hard, really hard, your DH should get that. Rather than resenting his time away, organise some time out on other evenings for yourself and leave him to hold the fort. That way you'll get a break and he'll understand what you are up against.

Re potty training, if she won't use the potty don't force it. Tell her 'potty or nappy change' and leave it at that. Bribery works well. DD has really got to grips with the idea now she gets a stick for every wee. I buy large sheets of small stickers so it isn't expensive. Your dd needs to feel she is in control.

when dh was away when the kids were little I made a picture chart for the fridge door. It showed days and sleeps til dh was back. Thye crossed of the squares each morning and evening

It really helped them to see that he was coming back and the number of sleeps til he came back.

They all acted up when he was away, but also needed lots more cuddles. I found that building the cuddles in in advance helped to stop some of the acting up.

sticker, not stick!!!!!

My DH worked away all week every week for the first year+ of DD's life and I had no family within 200 miles, so I sort of know how you feel.

A friend's daughter has some attachment issues as a result of her dad (a builder) working away for the first 4 years (and a sibling being born after 2, so very little alone time with her dad). Since he started working more locally they've had to do a lot of work to restore their relationship.

I'd be worried about that (and your daughter clearly isn't ready for potty training) rather than thank yous.

I think "thank you" is not quite the right wording, but YANBU in wanting some appreciation in how unrelenting, hard and sometimes isolating it can be when the other parent is working away.
Combined with the kids wanting Daddy, and probably a slight routine change, they can also play up more.
I'm not suprised your knackered. I actually found it easier when DH was away for 3 continuous (long) months, as there was consistency. It was much harder when he was back every weekend. and much easier now I've quit my job

I'd also agree with sit on potty, or nappy straight on, having tantrums about seeing isn't a great long term plan, unless you have reason she needs to wee before bed?

Dh and I both work away a fair bit and both appreciate that it's much easier doing that because at the end of the day you go back to your hotel, chill, have dinner, go to the gym etc. 5 days of only having to wipe your own arse and get 8 hours uninterrupted sleep is bliss. Therefore, we both expect to pick up the kids' stuff when we get back in appreciation that the other one has still been working and doing all the DC stuff amd might want a bit of time to themselves.

But yeah, fuck the potty training!

Firstly, of course YANBU to expect a thank you - IMO partners should always thank each other for support. When I sorted out the shopping while DH was away at the weekend he was very appreciative and thanked me because that's a job he doesn't now have to deal with. Equally I thank him if he washes my clothes - kindness and appreciation are so important in a relationship. He is a parent and he has a child to look after but can get out of that responsibility because you do all of the looking after for both of you for a period of time. That's a huge support to him and he should appreciate that.

Has he ever had to do 100% of the parenting for a few days? If not, it's time for him to get a bit of experience of it I think - then he might not be so quick to think you're overreacting!

I obviously don't consider spending time with DD to be a "task"

Maybe you should . I've seen loads of threads on Mumsnet on this subject and it usually rests on the fact that both parents are working off the nice fiction that spending time with the kids is always fun. That's why the advice to go off on your own business trip works, because your DH is getting his bluff called. 2 year olds are bloody knackering, and you don't have any choice in whether you interact with them or not - you have to take care of them on a minute by minute basis. Whether you love it or hate it, it is work.

I don't think you should expect a thank you. But you should expect some sympathy, understanding and acknowledgementfor what you're putting yp with at home while he's toasting his marshmallows

I also agree, give the potty training a rest. She's only 2. There's no rush

Yousound done in you poor thing

YANBU
Maybe not thank you, but certainly "how did you manage coping with dd on your own all week? What can I do to give you some time to recharge now I'm home?".

Agree with pp about leaving night time potty training and dc needing to feel in control. My dd3 is 4 and only just coming out of night time pull ups.

Also sounds like your dd is a bit like my dd1, which is why I thought I would add my tuppence worth. My dd1 really needed routine to feel secure when she was little and liked everyone to be in their proper place. As we were between houses and DH was away so much when she was small this did not make for a happy camper. She used to regularly have monumental hour long tantrums for what felt like an hour most days from 16 months onwards.

You are not a bad Mum if you have a sensitive dd struggling to cope with uncertainty and my dd1 (now 14) is thought of by her teachers as one of their best and brightest pupils - I still think she is a stress head and can make life hard work, but her basic need for order makes her very driven and high achieving.

Things that helped for us were trying to give her as much routine as possible and building in as much time as possible to just be with her rather than having things to do and achieve.

Agree with pp about setting up a calendar so your dd can count off days till daddy is home to give her a feeling of control. If you do this don't forget to schedule in Daddy and daughter time for her (so that she accepts and expects you to step back when he is there).

Yes YABU but it is completely understandable. Your DH is just going away to earn money for your family so you can live and raise your DD. He's not away for the weekend socially or anything. He can't help the fact that he needs to do something after work when he is away and the team get together.

However it is totally understandable that you are tired and feeling a bit abandoned. Can you just have a conversation with him about you getting some time with friends or your DH to get out and do something you enjoy when he is home? Explain that although you understand he's working that you are a bit jealous of the time out that he gets after work and could he help you to get some time like that when he is around. Just make sure you think carefully about how your phrase it when you speak so that he doesn't hear it as a complaint about him working away as that will set the conversation off on the wrong foot.

I don't understand what's wrong with parents thanking each other. DH and I do it all the time and it helps with feeling appreciated.

Could you also organise little trips to the local park, zoo, swimming pool for your DH to take DD to when he gets home? It can be under that guise that they need some time together when he gets home but you get a good few hours break too but they are doing something fun not just 'here take care of DD whilst I sleep'. You can then have a few hours each time he gets back to relax, take a bath, watch some catch up tv, whatever takes your fancy.

Two hours trying to get a tired fractious toddler to use the potty is your issue. Stop the potty training. She quite clearly isn't ready.

You will then have a,happier child. Use that time for a nice bath and cuddles with a story to calm her before sleep.

Yabu as this seems to be a case of you making work for your own back. I was single mum when mine was that age, working full time and really you need to be guided by your child. It's a very long day for them.

I have committed the sin of not RTFT but I want to rant and then will go back.

DH works away alot- he is on average away 4 weeks out of 6. This has been going on since DS was under a year. (He's 5). DS is also autistic. In that time no-one has ever said to me 'Oh we'll get you around for coffee... call if you need anything or just a chat' etc etc. I had to go away for 4 days recently for a work thing. I had the school HT telling me 'Don't worry, we will support daddy'. I had our neighbours who have never even offered me a cup of fucking coffee invite DH and DS around for dinner. I had another friend buy takeaway pizza and go and sit with DH to keep him company.

NOONE HAS EVER DONE THAT FOR ME. BECAUSE I AM THE WOMAN AND THE MOTHER I AM EXPECTED TO JUST GET ON WITH IT. DH IS SEEN AS SOME FUCKING SUPERHERO FOR DOING IT FOR 4 DAYS.

and breathe.

Right. Now I will read the thread. Sorry for derailing OP.

Yanbu, if he enjoys his work including the trips away (when, let's face it, he doesn't have to worry about any of the boring domestic stuff) then darn right you deserve a massive thank you!

He seems to be of the mindset that you should adore having sole responsibility for your child just because you are her mother as do some pious folk on this thread I bet £10,000,000 he would expect a thank you from you if he had to do just a fraction of the childcare you have been landed with.

YANBU at all!

DP and I have been in this situation, my first business trip since DD was when she was 8 months and DP was a SAHD, I went away a few times a year for 4-5 days ever since, she's now 10. She was a good sleeper but we had no family support. What we found is when you are both working hard on completely different things, you need to appreciate each other's different flavour of exhaustion! I was sick of being stuck with people I wasn't fond of, and having to eat late, while he was sick of being constantly "on duty" and having to plan his own toilet visits with military precisoion!
This also means acknowledging that you might need to relax in different ways - DP needed to get out to the pub, while I wanted to stay in and couldn't imagine anything worse than yet another restaurant.

I thought what Merlin said was great, say you are off for a break and just go. Don't spend ages telling him about it. It will bring it home to him like nothing else when he's the sole in charge.

for you, you do sound done in, hope you feel better soon.

Yabu to want to be thanked.

If a poster came here and said 'dh says he expects a thank you for looking after dd, while I work away'

There would be cries of 'he wants a thank you for looking after his own child?'

That said, yanbu to want a break either.

Your dds behaviour needs tackling to make it easier on you.

Ouch Cheesy I would go apeshit too!

Right. Now have read the thread. OP I agree, don't worry too much about the potty training right now. She is only little and she will get it. YANBU expecting that your work is also recognised as the hard work that it is. It is infinitely easier (practically if not emotionally) to be the parent who works away for the reasons other people have said. YANBU wanting some recognition of your contribution.

Thanks sticky.

I have ever said that 'out loud' so to speak. It felt good.