to want a thank you when DH is working away?

[Probablyunreasonable]

I suspect I am almost definitely being unreasonable - I am just so tired. DH works away a reasonable amount. Not every week but maybe once every 2-3 weeks. We both work in relatively stressful jobs, although I have gone back to work on fixed hours so that I can leave a bit early and have the evening with DD.

DD has never been a great sleeper and even now, at 2, she is a very early riser. Obviously she is my whole world and I love her to bits, but she is having tantrums the like of which I have never seen before, and we are also in the middle of potty training. Getting DD to use the potty and into pyjamas and bed can sometimes take 2 hours of her thrashing and hitting and screaming at me until she's purple in the face. By 9pm, after a full day in work and an evening of this, I'm sometimes in tears. It grates a bit to be told that DH is also still working hard when actually he is sitting around a bonfire with his work team, having a beer and roasting marshmallows. He seems genuinely astonished that I might want a break when he gets home, or when I try to explain to him that his going away makes things harder for me. I know that sometimes work trips away need to be done and I'm not suggesting that he doesn't go, but sometimes a thank you would go a long way. He seems really cross when I say this. AIBU? I probably am.

Oh my God.

AIBU was certainly the wrong place to post this. I'm sure you feel a zillion times worse now. There really are some unbelievable people in this forum.

Genx

All the OP is asking for is a little recognition that when he works away it does affect her, rather than dismissing it.

Maybe mintyy but my husband has worked away every week for 7 years so maybe I'm either used to it and/or smug because I manage fine and don't make him feel like a shit for HAVING to work away. I'm sure the op's husband would rather be at home but circumstances dictate that at present he can't, so the op is just going to have to get on with it, people cope with far worse things.

Have you actually read the fucking op? Her problem is not that she doesn't want her dh to work away, she doesn't want him to give up his job, she just wants him to step up when he gets home and acknowledge that it can be hard for her on her own!

How anyone can say that's unreasonable I do not know!

Oh and I'm happy it worked for you. Want to share how you did it so easily with bloody toddlers who are allergic to sleep?

Genx - people may well cope with far worse things. Others have an infinitely better time of it without a part time husband/partner. To be honest, if my DH CHOSE to work away from me and the DC every week, year in, year out, I'd be questioning why he didn't want to spend more time with us!

I'm not saying it's been easy but the answer doesn't lie in playing the blame game, actually what she wants mintyy is in the first post. She wants him to say thank you which is just fucking patronising.

And someone people don't have any choice namechange.....but they get on with things because that's life.

No it isn't fucking patronising. It is fucking normal behaviour between parents when one is doing a lot more parenting than the other!

Anyway, I can't take you seriously. Your reaction to the op is to say she sounds like a martyr and a nag. I think you are just here to be a bitch.

Mintyy you beat me to it! DH and I regularly thank each other for the things we each do to help the other person out.

Adults have a choice about the job they take. When I had an outburst about alimony with DH I was being very serious because if you feel put upon and overwhelmed your marriage is at risk. DH fully understood me loud and clear. Never again has he complained.

Genx is it really so unreasonable to want to be appreciated for the fact the OP is holding it all together. It's not about wanting her DH to change jobs but to appreciate that she is also working and doing all the "wife work" while he is away. If he is getting downtime when he is away then she deserves some downtime when he is back.

Maybe I'm unusual, but I think the fact that my DH and I appreciate the things we bring to the team is a positive in our marriage and makes everyone happier as a result.

My Dp used to work away but that paid the bills so that I could work part time. I was grateful. I used to have a job that took me away at least once a month for three to seven days. I could have gone back to it but really wanted to be with my DD. I could only do that because DP worked away.

What do you expect him to do? Give up work? Would you do the travelling? Would you live on half the money? Why should he thank you? Do you thank him?
Working away is hard. Really hard sometimes. You long for your home, your family, your own bed, to be truly "off duty". You could do it?

We always thank each other for holding the fort if one of us is away, be it business or pleasure. And often with small gifts such as chocolates, flowers or a book.

It makes no odds to me if DP is on a stag do in Madrid or is in the bar with work colleagues in the East Kilbride Travelodge, the hassle I'm dealing with is the same.

I'd be well fucked off if he didn't say thanks.

if you dont like it then you have a choice to make - either you put up with it or he gives up his job to look after his child - you cannot have it both ways.

Talk about a catastrophic response!

How about a compromise where instead of giving up jobs or sucking it up, the husband recognises that his wife did more childcare in a particular week and - shockingly - actually says "thanks love, I know it can't have been fun this week when she was having tantrums" and maybe takes the dd out to the park on Saturday morning so his wife can have a break for an hour. Presumably she would do the same for him if it is the other way around. That is how normal families work - they don't run off and give up jobs or tell themselves that no complaint is allowed. They say thanks and do something nice - it is called being nice to the person you love.

I'm not too sure about this Op. My dh works away a lot and has done for several years. He started when we only had two dcs and since then we've had dc3 so that had to do most of the sleepless nights etc alone. It was tiring and very boring. For a long time it wouldn't have occurred to me that dh should thank me or whatever. It wasn't a blast for him either. However now I have dcs ageing from 7 to 16 and I am finding it more exhausting now than when they were little. Although they are more independent, life is more complicated. I have homework, revision, various different training and lessons, school meetings, play dates, teenage parties etc. I'm at the end of my tether but it took 8 years to get there. I hate to sound unsympathetic but I don't think your situation is that bad. On the other hand every parent deserves some time off so I think it's crap your dh doesn't give you that.

lauren do you work too? Because here's the thing, when you're just doing the "wife work" and being a mum, then yeah sure, it's only fair you take the brunt of that during the week. But when you also work and share the responsibility for financially providing for your family, when you're also expected to do the majority of "wife work", well it's just nice to be appreciated for it. Otherwise, we'd all be tempted to give up work and play with the DC all day and leave our husbands to worry about the money I'm sure!

It's funny. When my DH and his sister went away with their DF for a holiday, her DH was on FB being lauded over, talking about how he deserved a break now, he's referring to his Summer as the Summer of [SIL's name]. Poeple were telling him what a great DH and DF he is. He goes away for work all the time. And, by work, it's often those 'team-building' bullshit golf and fishing holidays.

No one came and threw me a parade. DH, OTOH, thanked me. Because he's not a ginormous arse-biscuit.

Op yanbu, my dp often works away, I also work and it's hard when he isn't there. It is so bloody draining.

When he gets back he always says thank you, because he appreciates that I have taken over his share of the household and childcare jobs while he ain't there - as well as working myself. No, obviously he ain't there to make a mess to tidy up but it's the cooking and cleaning up after the kids, doing homework with them, doing everything by yourself that I find so tiring.

Ain't ? Fucking Ain't ? Oh Jeebus, why auto correcton MN of all places.

Worzel yes I work too. I'm not sure why you jumped to the conclusion I don't.

To be fair Lauren, it may just have been because of all the things you listed as having on your plate to deal with, work wasn't one of them. So, easy to jump to he conclusion, if you see what I mean?

I work full time, and DH works away a lot, and yes, I do get resentful of it. I used to have to travel with my previous job so I know exactly what it entails, and I'm sorry, but I do think it is easier than WOHM and and carrying the brunt of the domestic duties at home.

The OP doesn't want her DH to give up his job - why are people being so extreme? - just to see that she needs a bit of downtime too and, yes, recognition. That's normal and healthy in a mutually respectful relationship.

All the OP wants is a thank you. It's recognition that she has been putting in extra work at home while her DH has been away on a work jolly.

If you can't see that and think it's unreasonable then I think you have doormat written on your forehead plus a DH who doesn't respect his wife.

My DH might earn 10x my salary but without me helping him out he would really struggle and it's the same for me. We are a team and the goal is that we both end the day still married, loving each other and ready to face the next days challenges.

YANBU.
If you were a SAHM I'd say you were being U, but since you work as well then NBU.

My DH has worked away for nearly 2 years, he leaves Sunday night (too early to do bedtime!) and gets back Friday night. All fine until I started uni and was doing (inc travel time) 12/14 hour days on placement, 9/10 hour days in lecturers. I lasted 9 months before i couldn't hack it any more. We are very very fortunate that I was in a position to become a SAHM. Things are infinitely easier now than when I was trying to juggle parenting, uni, placement, housework, 'wifework' all on my own. I almost had a breakdown.
I really feel for you OP. Agree with leaving your DH with littlun for as long as poss, just take yourself off and leave him to it. Nothing will get done around the house but he'll have much more appreciation for what you do!

Thanks for the support - I genuinely am grateful. I agree that I probably couldn't work away from DH and DD because I would miss them too much, but I'm not quite sure what point that demonstrates, because it isn't a competition as to who is best able to cope with the challenges of working away; it isn't compulsory for one parent in each family to work away and so it isn't clear why I would choose to do that?

Funny how it's so often the men who "have to" work away and the women at home with DC.