AIBU? Why can't people think before they speak? A gender rant.

[babarthefuckingelephant]

My son is 2. He's obsessed with trains, cars, trucks, diggers and running at the speed of light into things, climbing trees, you know the usual.
He is also just as obsessed with glitter, dancing, swirling, singing, sparkly, pretty, colourful, dolls, literally just as much as the usual boy stuff. Nothing has ever been particularly encouraged one way or the other, he has never been pushed towards cars or glitter, and some days he favours one or the other. But he does what he likes and he likes what he does. (Which usually brings meltdowns when getting dressed in the morning if an outfit isn't colourful enough).

He's been wearing a purple tuelle tutu skirt for the last two days. Literally every waking moment. He was dressed for bed last night and then undressed himself and went and put the tutu back on. He wanted to wear it again today.
He put it on with some grey leggings underneath (that had nuts and bolts on), a t shirt, some chelsea boots and a navy blue wooly hoodie.
Nursery are great with this stuff so no problems there. We got to playgroup afterwards and comments from everybody there were like "Oh whats her name?" and when I told them and said He's 2, they would say "Oh, well good for him, I just assumed because of the girls skirt that it was a girl" (He otherwise looks like a boy, short hair ect), "You do whatever you want theres nothing wrong with wearing a girls skirt", that kind of thing, generally making quite a big deal of it.

Afterwards we went to the farm with his friend, Where there were more comments asking what her name was (I know an easy mistake and not what got to me in the slightest) but the reaction when I said "He is ..."
One woman even looked at him and said "Oh, well your little friend and your little sister, you're surrounded by girls is that why you're wearing girls clothes?" and another woman saying "You wear that girls skirt, my son liked things like that but everyone skitted at him"

I mean I know people are just rude sometimes but why make a huge point of it being girls? Why can't people just say "oh thats a nice skirt" or say nothing at all? His friend is the same age and a girl, and I'm pretty sure had she been wearing it nobody would have said "oh what a lovely girls skirt you have on"
It made me feel so cruel for letting him go out with it on, but what message is it giving to society by telling him not to? Ive never looked at a young girl with a football shirt on and said "what a lovely boys shirt you're wearing".

Why is it such an atrocity in this day and age to comment on anything at all that a woman or girl shouldn't do or have, but boys are just as equally stereotyped from infancy about what they can and can't do or like. Why can't people just smile or look the other way? Why does it have to be such a big thing. And now I've ranted on AIBU like it is a big thing but I just don't know why people have to put outdated ideas into tiny heads like that?

No Boo I'm not complaining that they thought he was a girl at all, just that what they all said afterwards was along the lines of "Well its ok to wear girls clothes". I don't mind them getting them mixed up. DS has been confused for a girl as much as dd has been confused for a boy, and funnily enough that usually happens when he's wearing typically blue clothes or she has stereotypically girly ones on.
I just don't think that if a girl wore that anybody would feel the need to say that it was ok. And to state what gender it was for.
I do realise now i've opened this can of worms I've made a huger deal of it than it is, It just really made me feel uncomfortable and i thought society was further along with that, or it seems we are when it comes to feminism.
Hes not in any way pushed into choosing that, and once the novelty wears off this week it will be back to trucks and then he will probably have a glitter phase or something, I just feel uncomfortable that he has to be justified for wearing what he wants but his female friends don't.

Typical obvious boy?!

As a child I had short hair and lived in jeans. My Batman tshirt was my favourite article of clothing. I was always taken for a boy, but it never confused me or caused stress. I'd just say I was a girl. No drama at all!

Um, you're complaining that people thought your son was a girl because he had a tutu on, but you're saying that they should have known he was a boy because he had short hair. Can you not see the contradiction there?

This ^^ from Booyaka

Girls do have short hair too you, know. I did from the age of about 7 to 11.

I was often mistaken for a boy, as was my best friend but it was no big deal at all.

My 16yr old DS has long hair and he has been mistaken for a girl in the past...again it was no problem.

It happens because a tutu is considered a girls item of clothing in our gendered society.

That doesn't mean he can't wear one but he will get dicks having a go, and it makes you realise suddenly how early gender roles are reinforced.
It's pointless and futile to get angry. Smile and tell them he is a boy and move on.

I have the opposite problem. A girl who won't wear a dress ever.

Oh and if you think people don't comment on girls wearing a football kit for example, saying they're wearing boys stuff/they're into boys things/they're a tomboy, you're very much mistaken.

The mountain has well and truly met the molehill here.

I could understand your annoyance more if anyone had been rude or nasty, but they weren't.

We live in a tiny village in Cornwall. Years ago we went for a walk down to the river and bumped into one of our neighbours with his three small DDs (all aged under 6 at the time) and everyone was slightly teasing the one who had insisted on wearing her tutu with her wellies.

She is an adult now, and she has survived the experience, and has not been scarred for life.

People will make assumptions about you, based on how you look and what you wear. Two is probably a bit young to get seriously worried about this.

No one was having a go at the child.

I wouldn't care at 2 that they've called your he a she. I'd perhaps feel bad for an older, embarrassed child who definitely wanted to be seen as a boy or girl. But the great strength of a 2 year old is the couldn't care less attitude.

My little girl runs around in a tutu when it's appropriate, it's pink and glittery and everything. She gets fawned over. People make a big deal about it, and she's a girl and cute enough to get away with murder.

Cute frilly skirts are always going to get attention, because they look so damn cute on toddlers. It's just a fact. But I'm sure you already know this.

So you have:

1. Dressed your son up in something you know will draw attention.

and then

1. Complained that he didn't get the attention you wanted him to.

Outside MN you don't get bonus points for not giving your children boundaries on what they can wear out and about. I would never let DD wear a tutu to a petting zoo where it could get caught on everything, rip and be ruined with dirt and bits of hay I'd be pulling out. If it was a low key dress, no one would have paid him any mind.

Also, I have never corrected people on DD's gender. When she was a newborn there were plenty of days she looked like a boy because she was in neutral colors. I just thanked them for the compliment and moved on. Perhaps you should do the same.

Quit attention seeking if you don't want attention.

Your 2 year old dresses and undresses himself in clothes and shoes of his choice? Really? Mine is 3 and can't do that.

Just to clarify Senpal I have not dressed my son up in something I know will draw attention, He picked it, and I haven't complained that he didn't get the attention I wanted, I would rather people said nothing at all than commented its for girls.
Playmobil yes he can completely undress himself and dress himself providing there are no buttons or poppers (so pull up stuff and zippy things fine), But he can't do shoes.

Yes I appreciate IABU, I just don't really get it. Why the world is free for girls to be anything they like but boys shouldn't push any of societies boundaries. Its backwards.

How are boys ever supposed to see girls as equal if they are seen as some completely alien separate species

Why the world is free for girls to be anything they like but boys shouldn't push any of societies boundaries. Its backwards.

I think you're in denial.

Are you familiar with the phrase Tomboy?

Girls are still routinely called Tomboys because they like to climb, play football, wrestle, collect bugs and get muddy.

And I agree with a PP who said, 'stop seeking attention if you don't want attention'.

Your boy left the house in something traditionally worn by girls. Some people commented on it and not in a nasty way.

So what?

He wore the same tutu 2 (3?) days in a row? And slept in it? I think that's unreasonable; surely it needed to be washed.

I agree with you. Everybody's gendering the clothes, and 'gendering' the child from that. I think you made it perfectly clear that what you object to is "wear a girls' skirt", not particularly that they commented on the skirt.

"What a nice skirt, little boy" would have done perfectly fine.

I also agree with this: It annoys me too because it makes me feel pressured as a parent to stick to gender stereotypes.

I get that some of the people you spoke to might have been reacting to their own dissonance on realising they'd just fallen for a gender stereotype. Others may have been thinking "WTF, you don't put a boy in a skirt, he'll catch the gays and his willy will fall off". Either way, it's not very nice for a small child to be given such a clear message that his identity depends on his clothes.

I thought you started off being U, you seem to have gone off the scale now.
I cannot fathom why people thinking that tutus are for girls are encouraging boys to see girls as some 'completely alien separate species'.

Let's say your ds wants to wear a bra. OK with you, or would you explain that bras are designed for a specific female purpose? Most people see tutus as a garment worn by female ballet dancers. Not male ballet dancers. That's all.

Ffs. If I saw a child in a tutu first thought would be its a girl! I don't get all this let them wear a dress if they want crap.

Steff13 It had been washed.

But, Worra, "tomboy" is another way of telling children they must act 'in gender'. You're telling a girl she's a boy. Called Tom.

Even back in the dinosaur age, I recall being pissed off at people saying I was a tomboy. And, regrettably, starting to say I couldn't climb trees, etc, because that's for boys.

When mine were 2 they never got a choice in what they wore. I picked their clothes out each morning and we put them on together. I didn't have the time, patience or inclination to fanny arse around while they picked out what they wanted to wear.

I disagree that boys can't be who or what they want. My youngest son is a student nurse, he decided very early on that that was what he was going to be. He got the piss ripped out of him a little bit, mainly lightheartedly, when he was 12/13 but he's stuck to his ground. One of the male finalists in the X factor wears a skirt and full make up. You have to help and encourage your children to believe they can be what they want to be.

Ugh tutus are gross.

You're deluded if you think the world 'is free for girls to be anything they like'.

This is just not true - even with clothes.

No one was rude or mean. I bet your Ds is blissfully unaware of any comments. As pp said, massive mountain out of molehill. You seriously have a lot of handwringing ahead of you, if this is causing you grief with your 2yo.

So you have:
1. Dressed your son up in something you know will draw attention.
and then
2. Complained that he didn't get the attention you wanted him to.

This, basically.

Only on MN are parents slagged off for putting their daughters in tutus but lauded as forward thinking heroes for putting their sons in them.

Let's be honest; you knew there was a possibility of a reaction and even raised eyebrows.

It's not wrong but it's not typical.

If you want to use your toddler to break the mould fine but don't whinge about people commenting on it!

Furthermore, there was nothing malicious in any of the examples you gave.

If I were a cynic I would suspect you'd wanted a negative reaction so you could act all hipster offended and confused!

Only on MN are parents slagged off for putting their daughters in tutus but lauded as forward thinking heroes for putting their sons in them.

This is so true. Girls can't like pink, but it's great if boys love it. Girls mustn't be a princess but you're mother of the year if your son dresses up as every Disney princess ever created.

Just to clarify Senpal I have not dressed my son up in something I know will draw attention, He picked it, and I haven't complained that he didn't get the attention I wanted, I would rather people said nothing at all than commented its for girls.

You had just no earthly clue that a tutu would garner attention, and that boy in a tutu would get comments? Really? I very much doubt that.

I know you're not that naive. It wasn't even 10 years ago that calling someone gay was funny, or that cross dressing was a big joke.

You knew it would get attention. You let him wear a skirt that would get comments. If you didn't want to draw attention to him you would have picked out a simple pair of trousers and a T-shirt, just like every other child including the girls were wearing. He's 2, not 5. He doesn't need to pick out his outfits and wouldn't have cared if you had said "Yes, it's very lovely, but today we're wearing these".

Seriously Walter? Where do these views even come from?
My daughter has never been slagged off for wearing one, I don't see myself as any different and certainly not a "forward thinking hero" for the fact that my son does. I just don't see why the reactions should be so different when the world is moving in a direction with girls that we should treat them the same as boys.

Ive given all the other information to put into context that sparkles and tutus are one of many many things that he likes and that he picks what he wants. I find it really hard to believe those of you questioning his choice as I've never met a 2 year old that doesn't know exactly what he wants. Im not saying he picks every part of his outfit, but he will wake up and say "I want the tutu" or "I want the digger jumper" or "I want the dinosaur coat" ect. Say maybe two parts to an outfit and i pick his underpants, socks, sometimes pants for convenience. I would never tell him he couldn't wear something he had chosen unless it was totally inappropriate (Jelly shoes in the rain I have refused before).

I don't understand those of you saying "but you knew it would provoke attention" Why?? Nobody at home bats an eyelid, his friend didn't bat an eyelid, His nursery didn't say anything but quite a lot of the little lads there are similar. I do understand that some people won't like it but they don't have to talk to us do they if they are strangers. Ive hardly put him in a lady gaga meat dress. If he's warm, with a smile on his face surely that is what matters?