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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU? Why can't people think before they speak? A gender rant.

127 replies

babarthefuckingelephant · 27/10/2015 21:45

My son is 2. He's obsessed with trains, cars, trucks, diggers and running at the speed of light into things, climbing trees, you know the usual.
He is also just as obsessed with glitter, dancing, swirling, singing, sparkly, pretty, colourful, dolls, literally just as much as the usual boy stuff. Nothing has ever been particularly encouraged one way or the other, he has never been pushed towards cars or glitter, and some days he favours one or the other. But he does what he likes and he likes what he does. (Which usually brings meltdowns when getting dressed in the morning if an outfit isn't colourful enough).

He's been wearing a purple tuelle tutu skirt for the last two days. Literally every waking moment. He was dressed for bed last night and then undressed himself and went and put the tutu back on. He wanted to wear it again today.
He put it on with some grey leggings underneath (that had nuts and bolts on), a t shirt, some chelsea boots and a navy blue wooly hoodie.
Nursery are great with this stuff so no problems there. We got to playgroup afterwards and comments from everybody there were like "Oh whats her name?" and when I told them and said He's 2, they would say "Oh, well good for him, I just assumed because of the girls skirt that it was a girl" (He otherwise looks like a boy, short hair ect), "You do whatever you want theres nothing wrong with wearing a girls skirt", that kind of thing, generally making quite a big deal of it.

Afterwards we went to the farm with his friend, Where there were more comments asking what her name was (I know an easy mistake and not what got to me in the slightest) but the reaction when I said "He is ..."
One woman even looked at him and said "Oh, well your little friend and your little sister, you're surrounded by girls is that why you're wearing girls clothes?" and another woman saying "You wear that girls skirt, my son liked things like that but everyone skitted at him"

I mean I know people are just rude sometimes but why make a huge point of it being girls? Why can't people just say "oh thats a nice skirt" or say nothing at all? His friend is the same age and a girl, and I'm pretty sure had she been wearing it nobody would have said "oh what a lovely girls skirt you have on"
It made me feel so cruel for letting him go out with it on, but what message is it giving to society by telling him not to? Ive never looked at a young girl with a football shirt on and said "what a lovely boys shirt you're wearing".

Why is it such an atrocity in this day and age to comment on anything at all that a woman or girl shouldn't do or have, but boys are just as equally stereotyped from infancy about what they can and can't do or like. Why can't people just smile or look the other way? Why does it have to be such a big thing. And now I've ranted on AIBU like it is a big thing but I just don't know why people have to put outdated ideas into tiny heads like that?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 27/10/2015 22:40

Tutu clad DC outside the pig sty down on the farm will always turn a head Op....

Wouldn't take dd to s farm in one.

God I'm so dull,

ClashCityRocker · 27/10/2015 22:42

The thing is other than on MN boys don't usually wear tutus. If I saw a young child wearing a tutu, I would think it was a girl.

It's probably wrong that I'd think that, but that's the world, by and large, that we live in.

I agree with you totally that kids should be able to wear and do what they want without reference to gender - if your boy likes sparkles when he's in that mood, why shouldn't he sparkle? But I don't think anyone has reacted unreasonably - in fact, it seems like they have gone out of their way to be reasonable about it.

Having said that, I think in society in general it's easier to have a 'tomboy' girl than a son who is into traditionally female things.

babarthefuckingelephant · 27/10/2015 22:45

Sparklingbrook with leggings underneath it made absolutely no difference to him?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 27/10/2015 22:48

Oh right. I just thought having a sticky out skirt on it would get in the way, nothing to do with what leggings he had on?

larrygrylls · 27/10/2015 22:48

'Larry thats just ridiculous, I could see your point if I had taken a boy or a man out in a tutu and they hadn't made that choice for themselves, but he is 2, and he made the choice himself.'

How did he make the choice himself, unless he bought himself the tutu? He must have had a tutu in his wardrobe to choose it (unless it was fancy dress or his sister's).

The thing is to try and empathise a little with the actual child. When kids dress up they think they look great and cool. They are not expecting to be knocked back and teased. So why not gently encourage him to wear something everyone will like and admire him in?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 27/10/2015 22:48

One aspect that pisses me off is, what is the equivalent item that a girl could wear that would ellicit the same comments?

There isn't one.

BathshebaDarkstone · 27/10/2015 22:49

longdiling because he'll also be wearing a witch's hat and it'll be dark?

NewLife4Me · 27/10/2015 22:53

OP, I probably would have thought your ds was a girl too, because he was wearing a skirt.
There's nothing wrong with it and it doesn't sound like the other women thought so either.
I probably would have had verbal diarrhoea out of awkwardness too. My sons were the same but didn't wear them outside, I don't know why.
Maybe they saw it as dressing up, for indoors but they are 24 and 20 and gender roles were still ingrained then.

Only1scoop · 27/10/2015 22:53

All these two year old boys who sort out all their tutu's for the day. I presume they have full reign of choice when purchasing in the tutu shop.

At 2 dc wore what I chose for them and incredibly at 5 it's still pretty much the same.

BrideOfWankenstein · 27/10/2015 22:56

YABU
It is a girls skirt. Because they don't make a boys ones.

NewLife4Me · 27/10/2015 22:57

Bewitched

There were outfits like this, but there again some time ago.
When I was growing up if you wore dungarees, a checked shirt and had doc's you were a Lesbian, no mistake.
You couldn't wear them because they were comfortable, fashionable even.
I loved them but was bullied / teased into other clothes Sad

ottothedog · 27/10/2015 22:57

Pretty much all superhero dress up stuff is boy related eg spiderman/batman

laffymeal · 27/10/2015 23:01

Your ds is only 2, I very much doubt he's remotely aware of the adult conversation arising from him wearing a tutu or anything else for that matter. Why the big drama?

Abidewithme3 · 27/10/2015 23:05

Wouldn't let any of mine wear a tutu outside of ballet class be they my dss or dds. And to a farm? Very inappropriate.

These threads are often more about the poster than the child and frankly have read dozens similar on mumsnet.

Yawn.

Only1scoop · 27/10/2015 23:07

'It's harsh when you see it confuses him when they say things like that'

Does it really confuse him?

Agree these threads are seldom about the DC.

babarthefuckingelephant · 27/10/2015 23:11

Larry it actually is his sisters, but he got so excited when he saw it and put it on that I just didn't have the heart to say no. Why should I gently encourage him to wear what everyone else might like??

Most days he wears yellow or red jeans and digger t shirts and nobody bats an eyelid, but he likes it. He wore this today because he liked it, thats all that should matter. I really don't think people would give that kind of advice if he were a girl. Not at 2 years old anyway.

I mean fuck, if you can't be yourself at 2, when can you?

OP posts:
Pedestriana · 27/10/2015 23:13

I used to buy the thing of people making small talk, but there are many things to make small talk about - why do people have to pigeonhole others?
I've a four year old who sometimes wants to wear a dress, other times trousers. Sometimes the toy of choice is a rocket, sometimes a doll.
We've had real issues lately buying school shoes because all the gender-specific (gender-targeted) ones reinforce the notion that girls like sparkly, flimsy shit, whilst boys want chunky things with rockets and dinosaurs.
We bought her girls shoes because that's what she wanted (and with the first pair we were being unrealistic about budget/sensitivity) and they got trashed in a fortnight. Now we're buying "boys" shoes because they don't scuff as soon as they're looked at.
Some of the children at school have apparently been telling her she shouldn't be wearing 'those shoes - those are for boys'.

I'm more in favour of educating society not to be arseholes, than insisting someone fits in with ridiculous sterotypes. Realise that's asking a lot!

ottothedog · 27/10/2015 23:15

Nope we definitely had a rule for all dc that the dressing up stuff stayed at home. Apart from all the practical stuff (it doesnt stand up to washing as well so a farm is definitely out) its also not fire retardant as its not actually classed as clothing

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2015 23:15

You must know when he sets off for the day in a tutu, he's going to get attention for it.
If you don't want him subjected to said attention, don't let him wear the tutu outside.
unless of course you want him to have the attention

WanderingTrolley1 · 27/10/2015 23:16

Yabu.

You can hardly be surprised at those responses.

Barbadosgirl · 27/10/2015 23:17

I know it is off topic but the Tweenies are still a thing.

My son got mistaken for a girl in his pink puddle suit (reduced to £6 in Primani couldn't resist). Didn't bother correcting people. His penis didn't drop off.

babarthefuckingelephant · 27/10/2015 23:17

Abide I really don't understand your judgement?
Maybe I've got the terminology wrong, Im not talking a "sticks right out flat" tutu but an elastic little skirt of tulle/net that flops down but when he spins around would go out if you know what i mean.

Everything about his outfit aside from this was your typical obvious boy. Why is the fact that he had what is essentially a few layers of net over his leggings so massively inappropriate for a farm?

Apart from the fact that clothes wash (He did fall in some leaves), his friend had a dress on, its no different. He had boots, leggings and a coat on. What is going to happen that is so inappropriate? Its not like Ive sent him swimming in it?

OP posts:
Booyaka · 27/10/2015 23:22

Um, you're complaining that people thought your son was a girl because he had a tutu on, but you're saying that they should have known he was a boy because he had short hair. Can you not see the contradiction there?

WorraLiberty · 27/10/2015 23:24

I don't get these threads at all.

I mean all the faux 'surprise' and 'outrage' that a boy wearing something that is traditionally worn by girls, should attract comments.

I also don't get why a parent would let a 2yr old choose their own clothes really.

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but I've always just grabbed whatever I think they should wear, and put it on them at that age.

Left to their own devices, my kids would probably have wanted to leave the house with my high heels on, a saucepan on their heads and little else in between.

squiggleirl1 · 27/10/2015 23:28

Im just irrationally pissed of by the justifications when girls are told they can do and be anything.

Oh if only girls were....

Pick your battles on this one OP. No one was nasty to you or your son. No one was mean to your son. You have over-reacted by deciding they were rude. Your son was wearing a girl's skirt. It was sold as being for a girl. You bought it for a girl. It belongs to a girl. It is a girl's skirt. Sometimes a word can just be an adjective. It's not some hidden slight.