My DMs avoidance of my DSS, so sod her birthday

[LeafyLafae]

It's my DMs birthday soon, I thought I'd do something nice for her & her DH (who has recently had stressful health issues) so offered to take them both and my DH out for a lovely meal at a nice restaurant (pay for them), I'd be chauffeur for the evening too.
They were up for it, but a comment came up about how it was mine & DHs weekend to have his DS with us, so would be joining us for the meal too. Suddenly, my DM said she'd prefer it if it was just us 4 and not my DSS.
He's a nice lad, polite (enough, winds his dad up something rotten but doesn't wind up my DM or her DH), college age & is capable of adult conversation.
I feel hurt by my mums attitude towards him. I feel as though she has somewhat thought of him as a drain on us and a nuisance for my relationship with my DH (family holidays to be suitable for everyone instead of the fab romantic island holiday I had hoped for, for example - but I understand what it means to be stepmum and compromises have to be made - thought I had made that clear to her).

I have told DM to make her own birthday arrangements, withdrawing my offer, but feel guilty as hell. It was also partly a gesture for her DH.
AIBU to do this?

Actually I can't particularly imagine desperately needing to talk Aboit whether great aunt molly had sex. My conversations with my parents tend to be the same whether or not teenage ds2 is there
That's fine. But not everybody is the same.

I talk with my parents about anything and everything. Sometimes, those conversations wouldn't be suitable for teens (IMO).

Some more interesting insights people...
My DB and family live 2.5 hours away, had it been feasible to invite them too, I would've done.
My DSS enjoys eating out, and would prefer it to a night on the Xbox. He's a nice lad, that even when asked if he'd rather swerve a cousins wedding (which he had been invited to, along with myself and DH) he didn't: he knows how important family are so was willing to come. wedding was cancelled anyway
My DM knows it's not as simple as picking another weekend either side of her birthday, not because of other plans, unless you count being drugged up to my eyeballs on painkillers as 'plans' that I can easily cancel.
My DMs reaction to DSS being around has never been "oh great!", more of a "hmm, ok then".

If you read the ops post, she had invited her DM out on the weekend they were due to have the DSS there, and clearly expecting to include him. Therefore it was never an adult only meal, that was not the invite. A bit like if I invited my friend and DH out and then she realised that my DH would be coming as he was a t home that weekend, so declined!

maid I don't think swearing, or money is a suitable topic of conversation at any time in a restaurant. Sex? Well that regularly gets discussed teenagers or no teenagers!

Agree OP sounds like a lovely step-mum. Also agree OP's DM should know her step-grandson reasonably well if he has been a part of her daughters life for seven years. I do wonder if there is more background to her not being accepting of her DD's step-parent role, although OP has not said so.

However, I would also agree with others who say that what the OP has described is not really a family event, or at least that is not how I would see it or how we would treat it in my family. A family event is something the whole family is invited to- i.e. all the siblings and their children, as well as the GP's. If it is only my parents and me/DP, that is not thought of as a family event. I think it is open to interpretation, which is where the problem may lie.

It sounds like OP's DM though she was being taken out to dinner for her birthday as a treat, not being invited to join her daughter's family for a meal which coincided with her birthday. OP viewed it as a family event.

As for "why can't teens come"- well, there's no reason why they shouldn't come. There is also no reason they should automatically be invited either. I would happily have teen relatives or friends DCs out on some occasions, others I would prefer "adults only"- it can, IMO, change the dynamics. There are things I would not discuss in front of children or older teens- nothing sordid (necessarily). And sometimes, I'd rather have a meal and a good natter with my parents or friends without children (or colleage aged teens)- don't see what's wrong with that, actually.

I'm with the OP, I have teenage dss and if he was with us that weekend it wouldn't even occur to me to leave him out. The invite would be "we, my family and I, would like to take you out to dinner for your birthday", if she said " oh, not dss" I'd think we'll, sod you then, go out on your own.

I'd probably ask dss, he'd probably say no ta, I'd then tell the DM that I was dreadfully sorry but it would just be the two of us as dss had other plans.

A year or so ago my dsis had a big party. All three of us were invited. I said dss wouldn't go. He wouldn't have liked it much, he doesn't really like sit down meals because he doesn't like food, it was mainly adults, it would also mean we'd have had to leave a bit early and book two hotel rooms instead of one. Dsis was very insistent that we be really sure we didn't want to bring him. She really didn't want him to feel left out. You simply don't leave out members of your family.

(We still didn't take him though, apart from anything else my family are generally quite horrible and I didn't really want him to have to meet them, and was worried someone might say something mean to him that would upset him or go back to his mum).

Also, OP says it's her DM birthday.....taking her and "her DH" out.....implies DH is OP's Stepdad. What's good for the goose.....

So, just the OP and her 'D'M then!

Out

I see your point, and agree that as OPs DSS is going to be on his contact weekend I can see why OP would not be willing to leave him at home (if it is something he would enjoy). Also agree excluding a step-child from family events is very mean-spirited and unpleasant.

However, I think whether the OP's DM was excluding from a family event or not depends on what your count as "family event". Your DSis having a big party to which all family members were invited would, I imagine, be interpreted by most people as a "family event". In my family, if I invited my mum and dad out for dinner (plus DP) it would not count as a family event. If I said "DM, we'll treat you and dad to a nice meal for your birthday" I wouldn't be including my DCs. If I meant all of us, I would say so. That's how my family work, but I know others do it differently so it is clearly open to interpretation. I suppose it depends on how the OP's family usually do these sort of things.

I think that what the OP is really upset about is her mother's more general lack of acceptance of her DSS, rather than this particular event.

I still think the better thing to do would be to actually talk to her mum (text is fine, but you can lose a lot "in translation" so to speak) and explain how she feels. See what her mum says, then she'll no where she stands. All this second guessing about what her mum means etc just seems a bit daft to me and may end up causing more grief to both parties than is necessary.

If the op had said that she had invited her mum out for dinner and that the mother had decided she wanted adults only when it emerged that op's biological children i.e. the grandchildren, would be attending the answers on here would be very different, and would go so far as people advising the op to go NC with her mother as she shouldn't want her children to be exposed to someone who can reject them like that.

Similarly if the op had said that they had invited her dp's parents out and that they had said they would rather the op not bring her children i.e. their stepchildren along people would be saying that the dp should be standing up for her and that they needed to accept op and her dc were his family. No-one would be telling the op that she shouldn't expect her dc to be accepted by his family because they're not biological grandchildren...

When you marry someone with children those children come as part of the package. No-one would advocate excluding a partner because he's not biologically related to the rest of the family, so wtf should that change when it comes to children? Children who might I add didn't choose to be part of the family either....

I don't have sdc but I know for a fact that my dp's family wouldn't dream of treating my ds differently or excluding him from anything. In fact there are a few sdc on dp's side of the family, and they are all children as far as the family are concerned. And I know for a fact that my mum would never dream of treating potential step children differently if dp had had any of his own. I don't get this sudden obsession with biology - especially when it comes to children. No partners are biologically related to the inlaws, and no-one would say it was ok to exclude them on that basis. So why does this change when it comes to children?

It would be helpful if you clarified whether her DH is your DF or DSF? If he's your step father then she is DBU as if you can invite him as your step father she should cut you some slack with her step grandson.

Leafys OP says

I thought I'd do something nice for her & her DH

So that means her DM is fine with Leafy treating her DSF to the meal, but not fine about including her DSGS.

Double-standards IMHO

this thread makes me mad or some of the replies
to it anyway
Not her grandchild!! If we were talking about a young child here that would never have been said.
The OP has feelings of repression because she mentioned she now and again wonders what it would be like to have a nice holiday with her DH, for gods sake show me a mum who never longed for something like that.
Also teenagers are capable of sitting and having a meal with adults and the bit that someone said about your stepson being immature because he winds up his dad well my nephew and brother are the same and they have such a lovely relationship because they can laugh with each other.
OP you sound lovely and your stepson is lucky to have you and you are certainly not at all BU.

I agree wannaBe.
I can't see what difference the biological part makes. A step child comes as part of the package. As OP appears to have a step father I expect her mother would take great exception to OP saying 'we just want to take you out as family and your DH can stay at home' - yet it seems OK to do this with her step grandchild.

My DSis has 2 bio children from previous marriage, 2 step children, one child with new DH. I treat them all equally, in terms of time and money (time as much as possible as the SC spend most of their time with their mum). I wouldn't dream of doing it differently, they're the family my Dsis chose! OP, you sound like a great SM, fighting your DSS's corner.