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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DMs avoidance of my DSS, so sod her birthday

139 replies

LeafyLafae · 27/10/2015 18:30

It's my DMs birthday soon, I thought I'd do something nice for her & her DH (who has recently had stressful health issues) so offered to take them both and my DH out for a lovely meal at a nice restaurant (pay for them), I'd be chauffeur for the evening too.
They were up for it, but a comment came up about how it was mine & DHs weekend to have his DS with us, so would be joining us for the meal too. Suddenly, my DM said she'd prefer it if it was just us 4 and not my DSS.
He's a nice lad, polite (enough, winds his dad up something rotten but doesn't wind up my DM or her DH), college age & is capable of adult conversation.
I feel hurt by my mums attitude towards him. I feel as though she has somewhat thought of him as a drain on us and a nuisance for my relationship with my DH (family holidays to be suitable for everyone instead of the fab romantic island holiday I had hoped for, for example - but I understand what it means to be stepmum and compromises have to be made - thought I had made that clear to her).

I have told DM to make her own birthday arrangements, withdrawing my offer, but feel guilty as hell. It was also partly a gesture for her DH.
AIBU to do this?

OP posts:
Original poster
LeafyLafae · 27/10/2015 20:20

DSS would be happy to go.
What makes me take it as a slight is the expression used, that it was a shame that we had DSS that weekend.
Perhaps it was meant a shame for DSS, that he might be bored..? But I think I'm stretching the plausibility of that somewhat.
My DBs children are much younger, so not really a comparible as to whether she'd have them there or not.
Thanks for everyone's input though, it's good to get another perspective even if I am feeling even more guilty than before

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 27/10/2015 20:22

I don't get this 'adult time' thing at all. It's a family event. He's an adult anyway.

To me, family events are just that. I really can't think of a time we might want adults only and make the teens stay at home.

Adult nights with friends, adult only weddings (if you like that sort of thing) but family stuff, well, that's kind of the point, everyone is in the family and it's actually sweet that he would go along to something which probably wouldn't be his type of thing.

To specifically ask for a 16 year old not to come, I simply couldn't do that, whoever they were related to.

no73 · 27/10/2015 20:24

If I was being taken out for a birthday meal, in the evening, I would not want my own child around let alone anyone else's.

Children, even teens, change the dynamics and if someone was to say 'oh I've got my DSS that weekend' I'd probably reply 'oh thats a shame'. It wouldn't mean I had anything against that child but would want an evening out without children.

Plus your mum may have wanted to get a little fiddly but feels she can't do that in front of a child and would possibly feel like she would have to be on best grown up behaviour.

Yika · 27/10/2015 20:28

YANBU. I find it bizarre that the DM should dictate who comes when you are inviting! I would be very hurt.

HPsauciness · 27/10/2015 20:28

*no73, I hope you meant tiddly, if you meant fiddly then that's probably not the right place for it with or without the step-son!

Picturesofmatchstickmen · 27/10/2015 20:30

who on earth feels they must be on their "best grown up behaviour" and can't get a little fiddly (wtf that means) because a college aged child is at a meal with them?! Bizarre post!

Headofthehive55 · 27/10/2015 20:31

enjoirrass I don't think there is anything I wouldn't be happy discussing in front of my DD really or parents for that matter. if I wouldn't be happy discussing it in front of them then I suspect I wouldn't be happy myself discussing it. just curious really. Don't think my conversation differs much when I am with my teenagers or not really.

Nydj · 27/10/2015 20:35

Aibu at its one of its craziest on this thread.

FWIW, OP, I think you are entirely right in withdrawing the invitation. If your mum had expressed a preference to go out as just the four of you, before it was clear that your dss would be with you then just maybe it would be ok (I'm not really convinvinced it would be ok even then but benefit of the doubt etc) but in this instance, she already knew that your dss would be in the group and she still went on to say she didn't want him there. Usually, MN posters are very hot on manners regarding gifts etc but somehow, according to lots of PPs, your mum does not have to have any manners when you are offering to drive and take everyone out for a meal for her birthday.

no73 · 27/10/2015 20:48

Bloody typos/auto correct!! yes tiddly!

Why is it bizarre?? I know plenty of people that act differently, have different conversations, won't drink hardly anything if anyones child is present. I have friends that amaze me with their 'grown up' behaviour when other peoples kids/their own kids are around than they silly behaviour they get up to when they are no children. He's a teenager still not an adult and her mum might not be comfortable with that.

My niece is 18 and at uni, I would have very different conversations with my friends if she was there than is she wasn't. There is nothing odd about that.

NumbBlaseCold · 27/10/2015 20:51

YANBU if you think that's the reason.

Why don't you just speak to her about DSS though?

You may find you are right and you'll know for certain so you can challenge it.

You may find she didn't mean what you think at all.

HPsauciness · 27/10/2015 20:52

It's not a girls night out though, it's a daughter and her husband taking her mum and husband out. What kind of raucous conversations could really be had? How tipsy are they going to get?

I totally understand ditching the children if you can let your hair down, but family dinners aren't a let your hair down event, not in my family anyway, perhaps we are doing them wrong!

ragged · 27/10/2015 20:55

bloody hell, the lad is sociable & 16 or 17, not a sulky 14yo or a hyper 6yo. YADNBU.

DotForShort · 27/10/2015 21:01

I'll never understand people who exclude stepchildren. It is so petty and unkind. I can't imagine my mother ever wanting to exclude my lovely stepdaughter from a special event.

So I completely understand where you're coming from, OP. Having said that, I'm not certain about withdrawing the invitation. Did your DM flat out refuse to have dinner if your DSS is present? Or did she just comment thoughtlessly that she'd prefer if it were just the two couples? Perhaps she still views your DSS as a child rather than a young adult, especially if she doesn't spend much time with him. In your shoes, I think I'd want to have a conversation with her and perhaps come to some mutual agreement that everyone is happy with.

Helloitsme15 · 27/10/2015 21:39

Yanbu - it is really nasty to try to exclude people from family events. I think you have done exactly the right thing. A family is a package deal - she doesn't get to dictate which family members she does or doesn't want there.

Perfectlypurple · 27/10/2015 21:44

Yanbu. My dsd sees my parents as another nan and grandad and they treat her the same as they treat my brothers kids. All my close family do, even my aunt. As a result she has always loved being around them and sees them as her family.

Abidewithme3 · 27/10/2015 21:51

16 is too old to be winding up a parent so your step sounds immature and that's fine. He will mature.

However you say your mums husband has had health issues so they probably want to relax with just adults.

You should respect your dm here. It's her birthday.

jacks11 · 27/10/2015 22:27

I can see both sides, but on balance I think YABU

Children, even teens, change the dynamics

I agree with this (especially if your DM isn't that close to your DSS). Your DM maybe just was looking forward to a "grown up" meal for her birthday. I don't know how they are with your DSS generally, so her saying "that's a shame" may have meant a range of things.

I can see why you and your DH wouldn't want to leave your DSS alone to go out for a meal with your DM/SF. If your DM is generally unaccepting of your DSS, I can also see why you would be irritated and hurt by that. You haven't really said how she is normally with him.

Perhaps there is a compromise that does not cause bad feeling on either side?

Also, have you thought of talking it through with your mum before cancelling? It all sounds a bit childish to cancel and "sod her" without understanding what her reasons were. You may be causing a lot of hurt to your DM (and possibly yourself) over a misunderstanding. Having a discussion with your mother might give you the chance to highlight how important it is to you that your DSS is fully accepted as part of the family. Explain to her that you feel that your DSS not being invited to her birthday meal made you feel that he was not being treated as part of the family.

See what she says and you'll know where you stand.

Ohfourfoxache · 28/10/2015 00:11

I don't think Yabu at all op. You sound like a,lovely SM and tbh your mums attitude leaves a lot to be desired

Morsecode · 28/10/2015 06:17

It's her birthday and she spends it with who she wants. Shame you can't be more accommodating to her wishes, especially as she didn't know at first that there would be someone who she had nothing in common with sitting in on her birthday meal. YABVU.

Enjolrass · 28/10/2015 06:37

it is really nasty to try to exclude people from family events

I think this is the defining bit. The OP sees it as a family event.

The DM sees it as her birthday night out, not a family event.

I guess I just don't feel that everyone has to be involved all the time. Dbro went out with mum and dad on his birthday last year, I didn't get an invite. That's fine, it wasn't a family event. It was a meal out for his birthday. If he had a party and didn't invite me, then yes that would bother me.

However if he had a party and didn't invite dd, I would accept that as his choice to make on his birthday.

Lweji · 28/10/2015 06:52

YABU mostly for reacting rashly without talking to your mother about her motives and her reasons.
Who realised it was his weekend?
And did your mother say she wouldn't go?
Do try to react to comments with questions like why, instead of assuming what they meant.
Reading your OP carefully, it strikes me that you may be repressing feelings of resentment towards your DSS, certainly doing your best to let go of them, but possibly why you reacted so badly towards your mother without actually probing her motives.
I'd go and talk to her, and start by asking about your feelings. Even if you are right about her feelings towards your DSS, hopefully it will be something you can sort by talking and not going on strops.

Lweji · 28/10/2015 06:53

and start by asking about her feelings.
Rather.

GabiSolis · 28/10/2015 07:08

I don't see anything in what you posted that suggests this is pointed towards the step child dynamic OP. I think you need to respect your DM's wishes for her night and leave it adults only. Children, no matter of what age, don't need to be included in everything.

OP unless you have concrete proof she is doing this because he not your bio DC then you need to make a big apology and ask if she still wants to have dinner with you.

Mehitabel6 · 28/10/2015 07:13

I would look to the deeper issues. Has she not accepted the role of grandmother? And if not why not? Does she have a relationship with him? Has she spent any time alone with him? Does she wish to see that he is a huge part of your family?
If the answer to all of that is negative then you have to look as to whether you try and change it or just accept it. Your attitude then gives the answer of what you do about her birthday.

Longtalljosie · 28/10/2015 08:04

You refer to you DM's DH - so clearly not your dad then? So your stepfather gets to be a full member of the family but your stepson doesn't?? Sod that...