Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DMs avoidance of my DSS, so sod her birthday

139 replies

LeafyLafae · 27/10/2015 18:30

It's my DMs birthday soon, I thought I'd do something nice for her & her DH (who has recently had stressful health issues) so offered to take them both and my DH out for a lovely meal at a nice restaurant (pay for them), I'd be chauffeur for the evening too.
They were up for it, but a comment came up about how it was mine & DHs weekend to have his DS with us, so would be joining us for the meal too. Suddenly, my DM said she'd prefer it if it was just us 4 and not my DSS.
He's a nice lad, polite (enough, winds his dad up something rotten but doesn't wind up my DM or her DH), college age & is capable of adult conversation.
I feel hurt by my mums attitude towards him. I feel as though she has somewhat thought of him as a drain on us and a nuisance for my relationship with my DH (family holidays to be suitable for everyone instead of the fab romantic island holiday I had hoped for, for example - but I understand what it means to be stepmum and compromises have to be made - thought I had made that clear to her).

I have told DM to make her own birthday arrangements, withdrawing my offer, but feel guilty as hell. It was also partly a gesture for her DH.
AIBU to do this?

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 18:40

That puts all teenagers firmly in their place- too unpleasant to have a meal with!

pinkyredrose · 30/10/2015 18:46

Can't you leave Dss on his own for a few hours while you go out to eat?

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 18:51

But why?

Devilishpyjamas · 30/10/2015 20:02

What do you people DO on adult meals out that's so different that you can't do it if you have a teenager there? What conversations are you having that you can't have in front of a 16 year old?

I can understand that having a toddler there changes the dynamics, but a teenager? Really? My 13 year old ds2 is capable of adult conversations, I'm sure a 16 year old can do more than grunt.

pinkyredrose · 30/10/2015 21:31

Mehitabel6 why not?

pinkyredrose · 30/10/2015 21:37

Devilish maybe the DM only wants people she actually knows at her birthday meal, you know, close family members and such. Just because her Son in Law decided to procreate before he met her daughter doesn't mean she should clutch such offspring to her bosom and there on include them in all events that she would share with close family such as he birthday meal.

pinkyredrose · 30/10/2015 21:38

Her not he

CardinalPoint · 30/10/2015 21:44

YANBU - not even a tiny bit. A 16 year is very different from a little kid. Your DM is being mean.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 30/10/2015 21:46

pinky maybe if the woman decided to get to know the lad instead of being standoffish and slightly unpleasant the situation would not have arisen?

You're not unreasonable OP, your mother is just chucking her toys like a toddler.

pinkyredrose · 30/10/2015 21:54

I think the OP is chucking her toys determined to be the ideal stepmother. I wouldn't want some teenager I hardly know at my birthday meal and why would he want to be there anyway? Contrary to popular belief I don't think that children teenage or otherwise should always come first and have their supposed feelings catered for over and above others .

MrsTedMosby · 30/10/2015 21:59

I should hope after 7 years the DM knows the DSS quite well.

I'm a stepmum and my own mother has always been very welcoming to my DSC, both before and after I had children with DH.

If my DSC children were visiting and my mum wanted us to go out then I'd expect all of us to go, not exclude some of the family. They are as much part of my family as my own children.

Also, if your teenage DSS is anything like my DS then there would be nothing they'd like more tham going out for food! Food! (And also winding parents up is part of the teenage job description!) plus, food!

Apathyisthenewblah · 30/10/2015 22:13

I'm bemused by some of the attitudes here.
I was an only child so perhaps had a different view but was often if not always included in family occasions as a teenager.
7 years is a long time.
DH and I have been together 4 years. We took my DM out for her birthday and as it was a night we had DSCs they came too. Lovely family meal. No issue. I would no more have left them out than our DD, although they are all much younger so a different dynamic.

Sorry to not be much help I think neither of you are BU you just have different expectations of the meal out. Treat for mum versus family occasion.

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 22:15

Would you want to visit someone and get left at home while they all go out pinky? I wouldn't.
He is close- he is a step grandson.she has had 7 yrs to get to know him. It would sour my relationship with my mother if she refused to acknowledge some of the members of my family.

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 22:17

My DH is step father to my son- all his family have always included him as family- they wouldn't dream of missing him out and making him stay at home alone!

Duckdeamon · 30/10/2015 22:21

We don't know the background re DM and OP's DSS but it seems unreasonable to withdraw the offer of a nice meal. Could you not just have gone out to treat your DM and her H for her bday the weekend before or after DSSon's visit?

MaidOfStars · 30/10/2015 22:41

What conversations are you having that you can't have in front of a 16 year old?

Money, swearing, taking the piss out of each other, discussing whether Great Auntie Molly ever had sex...

AdjustableWench · 31/10/2015 02:44

I find all this talk of adults only meals really strange. If someone in my family organises a birthday meal or party or whatever, then everyone in the family is invited, including the children. Maybe it's because we think having the children around is more fun than all the swearing we might be missing out on?

And after seven years I'd expect the OP's DM to have accepted the situation with the DSS. Wanting to exclude someone who is part of the family is pretty poor show, in my view.

pinkyredrose · 31/10/2015 02:56

She's not excluding part of the family, unless of course you think she should invite every family member so as not to exclude them. She simply doesn't want to celebrate with her bils dc from a previous relationship who she isn't close to, what's so hard to understand about that?

Devilishpyjamas · 31/10/2015 05:03

After 7 years how can he be someone he hardly knows? He's her dd's family. Surprised she hasn't told her dd's DH to stay away as well.

Anyway the OP has extended a meal invitation to her mother. If her mother doesn't want to attend because the SS is there then that's her choice, but the OP is under no obligation to have her mother dictate who comes. They've invited her along because it's her birthday, if she doesn't want to join in that's her lookout.

Devilishpyjamas · 31/10/2015 05:07

You don't think 16 year olds swear?

And I think I'd be more likely to talk about whether great aunt molly had sex with a 16 year old than a parent tbh.

Actually I can't particularly imagine desperately needing to talk Aboit whether great aunt molly had sex. My conversations with my parents tend to be the same whether or not teenage ds2 is there.

daisychain01 · 31/10/2015 06:17

leafy it's a shame to have fallen out with your DM over this but I totally get your wish to involve your DSS.

Another vote for "you sound like a lovely DSM"!

I'm very similar to you in terms of DSS being part of the family and not leaving him at home "with a pizza and an XBox". Amazingly my DSS is a good conversationalist, can't stand fast food and hasn't bothered about computer games for years. What a coincidence, must be because he has been involved in family meals etc and knows how to behave. So obviously in the minority compared to teenagers. Sadly the expectation is set that all teenager are typecast as badly behaved and just sit there grunting, texting and swearing all night, um WRONG!!

Hope you can patch things up with your mum, leafy

Busybuzzybumblebee · 31/10/2015 07:36

Firstly I wouldn't call this a family event, ops db and family aren't coming, it's a couple taking another couple out for dinner, calling it an event is emotive and making it sound as tho dss has been banned from a family wedding.

Secondly having children there teenagers or not does change the dynamic, my parents went out often for dinner with friends or my aunt and uncle without me, there was no drama, they wanted an adult dinner out.

It's ops dm birthday meal, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to say adult only and frankly I think you've been quite unfair to cancel her birthday meal for a reasonable request

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 31/10/2015 07:46

What's wrong with teenagers? They're not another species. Spending time with teenage DS is far more fun than spending time without him.

So YANBU and a very sweet SM too.

Duckdeamon · 31/10/2015 07:51

Teens are not the problem: some people just prefer adult-only evenings sometimes, and that's what OP originally suggested to her DM.

Perhaps the DM has annoyed OP over the years by not making enoug effort (in OP's eyes) with her relationship with her DSGS, but OP hasn't confirmed that. If it's a one-off then OP is unreasonable.

Mehitabel6 · 31/10/2015 08:03

16yrs is practically an adult- it isn't as if you have someone who needs entertaining, can't sit still and wants to get down and play!
I can't see why you have to censor your talk.

Swipe left for the next trending thread