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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DMs avoidance of my DSS, so sod her birthday

139 replies

LeafyLafae · 27/10/2015 18:30

It's my DMs birthday soon, I thought I'd do something nice for her & her DH (who has recently had stressful health issues) so offered to take them both and my DH out for a lovely meal at a nice restaurant (pay for them), I'd be chauffeur for the evening too.
They were up for it, but a comment came up about how it was mine & DHs weekend to have his DS with us, so would be joining us for the meal too. Suddenly, my DM said she'd prefer it if it was just us 4 and not my DSS.
He's a nice lad, polite (enough, winds his dad up something rotten but doesn't wind up my DM or her DH), college age & is capable of adult conversation.
I feel hurt by my mums attitude towards him. I feel as though she has somewhat thought of him as a drain on us and a nuisance for my relationship with my DH (family holidays to be suitable for everyone instead of the fab romantic island holiday I had hoped for, for example - but I understand what it means to be stepmum and compromises have to be made - thought I had made that clear to her).

I have told DM to make her own birthday arrangements, withdrawing my offer, but feel guilty as hell. It was also partly a gesture for her DH.
AIBU to do this?

OP posts:

ASAS · 27/10/2015 19:28

If this is a genuine post you sound like a lovely step mum, well done!

Enjolrass · 27/10/2015 19:28

If someone didn't include my DS I would not want to spend time with them (adults only stuff exempt of course)
But that might be the case here.

That the DM would prefer an adults night out on her birthday

airforsharon · 27/10/2015 19:31

How long have you and your DH been together? If it's not that long and she doesn't know your DSS well maybe she feels awkward at the thought of him there?

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 27/10/2015 19:31

What backforthis said
YABU to take this as a slight and get the arse with your mum
YwBU to ditch DSS on his contact weekend with DH
Just go the weekend after

saucony · 27/10/2015 19:34

I'm not sure to be honest, it depends on her reasons. I think it's fine to say adults only. He may be capable of adult conversation but he sounds quite young, especially if he 'winds up' his dad.

m1nniedriver · 27/10/2015 19:35

whereyou

You're right they are wonderful they have old fashioned views on these things. They have met my SC and are very kind to them but i would never impose the children on them. It's my choice to have SC in my life it's not something I have the right to force my parents to be involved in if they don't want to .

I would never dump my DM like the OP did. She asked for opinions, that's mine. Each to their own.

Original poster

LeafyLafae · 27/10/2015 19:37

DSS likes going to restaurant and can certainly behave very well - he'd rather have moules marinere over pizza, so it's not as if he'd be 'playing up' or anything like that. But where food was concerned he always says thank you very much whatever you serve him.
He's the only child on my side of the family (if that makes sense, my DM has 'full' GCs on my brothers side).
I had just thought that after 7 yrs with my DH, she may have accepted him as part and parcel of my life.
I had thought about arranging for another weekend but because of health reasons (agonising cyclical pain) that'd have to wait til December. Plus, I'd hate being there feeling like my DSS had purposefully been engineered out of the situation

OP posts:

Backforthis · 27/10/2015 19:39

If you're sure that's why she refused then, after 7 years, I understand why you're upset and angry.

Spotifymuse · 27/10/2015 19:42

YANBU.

Enjolrass · 27/10/2015 19:47

But wanting an adults evening is not, not accepting him.

I still do stuff with my parents from time to time without my own kids. My parents adore my kids. But sometimes we just want some adult time.

Bogeyface · 27/10/2015 19:48

Would she tell your brother not to bring his children in the same situation?

If she would then YABU and she just wants an adults only evening. If she would cheerfully have them attend, presumably on the basis that they are "proper" GC then YANBU at all.

As a PP said, it would be the same as you being left out on your stepfathers birthday on the basis that you are not his biological child. Not on at all.

Enjolrass · 27/10/2015 19:52

It does kind of sound like you are dictating who is invited to her birthday because you are paying.

m1nniedriver · 27/10/2015 19:54

*Would she tell your brother not to bring his children in the same situation?

If she would then YABU and she just wants an adults only evening. If she would cheerfully have them attend, presumably on the basis that they are "proper" GC then YANBU at all.*

The child is not their GC though do I don't understand this analogy?

Hurr1cane · 27/10/2015 19:59

But he's college age so not a child so the adults only stuff doesn't really apply, in my opinion anyway. Just say sorry but we have DSS. If you'd rather not go out with him I understand, but it'll be December before I can get out again without him.

If it was DSs dads contact time he wouldn't go anywhere without DS, apart from two child free weddings where we swapped days so he could go. But DS is a child, not an older teen/ young adult, and he has SN so it wouldn't have been appropriate anyway.

If it's my contact time (6/7 days) I won't go anywhere without DS, and DP won't either (bar going out with his mates)

Headofthehive55 · 27/10/2015 20:00

I think you are being perfectly reasonable. You have said you will take her out, and pay. How lovely. You are allowing your stepdad to come! Presumably you have accepted him into your life even though he is no relation to you. So why not step grandson?

I don't really get the adults only thing. What are you all discussing that is so imperative that it must be adults only?

I don't get the excluding thing either.

Devilishpyjamas · 27/10/2015 20:05

After 7 years YANBU.

I'd just say 'that's the only weekend we can do & he'll be invited as well' then leave it up to them. My family would include everyone (& a lot more waifs & strays than a stepchild), DH's family prefer not to include me (married 17 years) to 'special' meals. I know how I prefer to act.

saucony · 27/10/2015 20:06

How old is he and would he actually want to go?

SaucyJack · 27/10/2015 20:07

I think your mum probably just wants a quiet, adult meal with her nearest and dearest- and I can reasonably see that this might not include your DP's lairy teenage son.

You sound lovely btw, but I do think you're being a bit too over-sensitive on this one.

GruntledOne · 27/10/2015 20:08

If I were taking my DM out for something like this they would certainly expect and indeed want my teenage children to be there, and wouldn't regard the evening as having been spoilt by "non-adults". I would have thought that is normal for most grandparents. So I rather doubt that a wish for a meal confined to adults is really OP's DM's motivation.

Enjolrass · 27/10/2015 20:08

I don't really get the adults only thing. What are you all discussing that is so imperative that it must be adults only?

I discuss lots with my parents that I wouldn't in front of dd.

Usually movies with my dad, something inappropriately funny with my mum. Dd ends up not getting half the jokes. She prefers us going alone too.

Some people prefer adult time...it's not that difficult to understand really.

Houseworkavoider · 27/10/2015 20:09

You sound like a wonderful SM!

Bogeyface · 27/10/2015 20:14

The child is not their GC though do I don't understand this analogy?

And the mothers husband is not the OPs father, but she still invited him. He is part of her mothers life so she invited him, the DSS is part of the OPs life and as such should be included in the same way.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/10/2015 20:15

I think quite strongly that if a member of your family decides to become a step parent then, assuming you love that family member and want to make things easier for them, you should make the decision that you will embrace the child and treat them as the gift that they are to your family. Even if you don't immediately feel anything this a time when "fake it til you make it" is very apt. Sucking up the occasional slight inconvenience is what you do to support your family member who has chosen to build a family including the dc.

(I have a teenage step nephew who I have known since he was 3.)

Picturesofmatchstickmen · 27/10/2015 20:16

Minnie you would usually be shot down for a comment like that about a sc on aibu but for some reason this thread has taken a completely different turn to the usual threads which are generally very biased towards step children! What do you mean, he isn't a GC so you don't understand the analogy about GC? What if the op had children with her DH, and they were invited and the sc not? Would you still make the point that he is not their GC? Even if he is 16, that means he would only have been 9 when his DF remarried, I would never let my parents exclude my sc from a family meal unless it was ENTIRELY about age, for example, adults only meal, and even in that circumstance I would argue the case for an older teenager. So if dm would have had her other GC at the meal she is bvvu and a but of a princess to say she doesn't want dsc.

bettyberry · 27/10/2015 20:16

The boy is a teen not a toddler. I could understand the refusal if it was a toddler but a teen is hardly going to be a pain in the arse.

I have been a step child and one of the most painful things is knowing step grandmother hated me (she was catholic, I was a bastard child, you get the idea) and treated me differently to all the other kids.

I'd be pissed off with your mother too. I have been a step parent and my child now has a step dad and its not unreasonable for your mother to accept the boy is part of your life whether she likes it or not.

If this was her own biological 16+ grandchild I doubt she would have said what she did and would have willingly agreed to the boy coming for the meal. That is the important bit. Your mothers decision is based on her dislike for the step child not some desire for an adult only evening.

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