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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DMs avoidance of my DSS, so sod her birthday

139 replies

LeafyLafae · 27/10/2015 18:30

It's my DMs birthday soon, I thought I'd do something nice for her & her DH (who has recently had stressful health issues) so offered to take them both and my DH out for a lovely meal at a nice restaurant (pay for them), I'd be chauffeur for the evening too.
They were up for it, but a comment came up about how it was mine & DHs weekend to have his DS with us, so would be joining us for the meal too. Suddenly, my DM said she'd prefer it if it was just us 4 and not my DSS.
He's a nice lad, polite (enough, winds his dad up something rotten but doesn't wind up my DM or her DH), college age & is capable of adult conversation.
I feel hurt by my mums attitude towards him. I feel as though she has somewhat thought of him as a drain on us and a nuisance for my relationship with my DH (family holidays to be suitable for everyone instead of the fab romantic island holiday I had hoped for, for example - but I understand what it means to be stepmum and compromises have to be made - thought I had made that clear to her).

I have told DM to make her own birthday arrangements, withdrawing my offer, but feel guilty as hell. It was also partly a gesture for her DH.
AIBU to do this?

OP posts:

Lweji · 28/10/2015 08:11

The man is married to the mother, and is an adult, so clearly is a member of the mother's family.
As is the OP's husband...

bluebolt · 28/10/2015 10:04

I have an upcoming MIL birthday and it will be her adult children and partners only. One with all family would more likely be lunch, early evening or around someone house. It is generally the same for most evening birthday meals and as the adult GC always offer baby sitting I adore these evenings and have no issues with any of my nieces, nephews or even my own DC but it is nice to catch up without them. I would only be upset if the treatment was in other areas as well.

Headofthehive55 · 28/10/2015 13:00

I think if you are paying you get to decide....it's an invite...and if DM doesn't want that then she can decline!

wellliesandleaves · 28/10/2015 13:15

I think she was wrong to say anything seeing as it was your treat, but I could understand her sighing to herself and not really wanting a teenager that she probably doesn't even know that well, tagging along.

But YANBU, your mum was rude.

TeamScoutRifle · 28/10/2015 13:24

He's not a child though is he he's an adult too. Plus the op was paying as it was a treat not the dms right so op gets to bring who she wants...she can bring her neighbour if she wants.
My own dm wouldn't ever dream of excluding anyone including her 3 step grandchildren. If she were paying then it's a different matter.

Headofthehive55 · 28/10/2015 13:48

Unfortunately bluebolt people who tend to be very prescriptive over invitees in my experience tend give less equal treatment in other areas.

Double standards are very common.

titchy · 28/10/2015 14:09

Sorry another in the yabu camp.

You're not taking your mum out for her birthday. You're taking YOUR family out on an day that happens to coincide with her birthday. That's what it seem like anyway. And I think the inclusion of your husband adds to that actually, as well as the inclusion of the dss. There'd be 3 on your side and only 2 on hers.

and yes obviously it isn't about sides, but it doesn't really sound like it'll feel like a special meal out for your mum.... If your mum offered to take you all out for your birthday, then yes your dh and dss should be included. But your offer is just a 'come and join US' rather than 'I'm going to create a special meal out for YOU'

titchy · 28/10/2015 14:16

And actually (sorry!) it's in the same vein as me saying to dh 'Oh I'll treat you to the cinema for your birthday' and then taking him to see some romcom I wanted to see and he didn't - it becomes something nice for you, rather than what's nice for her.

LurkingOne · 28/10/2015 14:26

Don't feel guilt OP, I don't think you've done anything wrong and you sound like the stepmum I wish I had.

Whilst the age difference is relevant, I bet if this was a daytime meal and DBs children could attend she would encourage it. Obviously only got the info you've posted but my instinct (perhaps led by my own crap experience as a stepchild) is that this is about "my real family" rather than adults only. It's sad, the best stepfamilies don't even use the step word!

My advice would be to ask DSS and spin it so there's some upside for him. he might prefer a night in with a dominos and the remote than a night out with an unwelcoming stepgran!!

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 14:30

Yanbu op.

If your dm is so desperate to have an adults only birthday, or one that excludes your step son, then let her organise it and pay for it herself.

In effect she is telling you who you can or cannot invite to an event you are organising. Rude.

Headofthehive55 · 28/10/2015 15:12

Are things more special if you make it more exclusive?

I'm afraid if we ( rather than I- and it's never just me doing the inviting) invite GP out for a meal, then they get us all. And yes there is a lot of us so we are likely to outnumber other groups. Never thought it would be more special if less of us went! ( cheaper perhaps! )

Perhaps the op should have been clear, it was the ops family as a group doing the inviting, not the op herself.

I think the subtext is more the acceptance of a step grandson or not.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 28/10/2015 15:14

You need to establish if she doesn't want DSS there because

a) she wants an adult night out
or
b) because she doesn't like / accept your DSS

HopefulAnxiety · 28/10/2015 15:27

You sound like a lovely stepmother and YANBU.

LittleFrankenFooFoo · 28/10/2015 15:28

YANBU, and you shouldn't feel guilty either. She can decline, and that's that. She doesn't want your family to treat her to a nice meal, that's her loss.

jay55 · 29/10/2015 06:53

Your step son is college age and still happy coming for contact weekends rather than doing his own thing. Yanbu to want to include him.

Narp · 29/10/2015 06:58

YANBU

And people here have a really low opinion of teens. I have a better time out with my teens sometimes than with my adult friends

Original poster

LeafyLafae · 30/10/2015 07:12

So... I took the cowards way and sent her a text
I told her when the next available opportunity might be & said that if I understood why she wanted just the four of us I could offer an appropriate solution. She said she didn't want to cause any headaches & thought that DSS wouldn't find it much fun. So I asked her why it would be 'a pity' and reminded her that she did actually say that she would prefer him not to be there & that I didn't understand the reasons for this.
This was Wednesday evening & have had silence since...
I know that communication by text isn't the best way although I'm at risk of being flamed for that but I was too upset to do it face to face at the time, will have to get answers this weekend though...

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 07:21

I am always at a loss as to why teens can't do something they wouldn't find 'a lot of fun'. I can't say that I would find this meal 'a lot of fun' either but I might enjoy it, as might a younger person.
I think that teenagers get a very bad reputation and the majority are very interesting dinner companions, if you bother to converse with them.

Devilishpyjamas · 30/10/2015 07:31

I love teens. And going out for a meal with teens is nothing like going out for a meal with children. They can take themselves to the toilet, order regular food, feed themselves. For a family meal with or without teens is an identical experience.

GruntledOne · 30/10/2015 07:39

Saying that she thought DSS wouldn't find it much fun is a cop-out. That's for him and you to decide, not your DM. She must know perfectly well that if he really didn't want to come you wouldn't make him.

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 07:41

When anyone says 'it won't be much fun for him' they really mean 'it won't be much fun for me'!

Blarblarblar · 30/10/2015 16:03

It's her birthday she doesn't want a teenager there. I wouldn't either, why is it so awful to not want kids/young people at adult events.

waitingforcalpoltowork · 30/10/2015 16:14

a meal isn't an "adult event" children need to eat too

Haffdonga · 30/10/2015 16:15

Well done for the straight texting talking, OP. Your dm needs to think through her casual exclusion of family members.

And to all the people on this thread who say well I wouldn't want a teenager there either , why the fuck not?

The teenagers i know are polite, witty and extremely good company. We have a regular family meal out with grandparents and it is definitely a less enjoyable rather staid occasion when the teens usually in the party have a better offer commitments elsewhere.

I hate this generalisation of teens as rude and incapable of holding an adult conversation. We wouldn't put up with this stereotyping of women/ disabled people/ BME etc etc. Why can we all slag off teens?

Rebecca2014 · 30/10/2015 16:34

YABU

I hope your mum has other children who could take her out on her birthday.

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