Sunday lunch trauma WIBU?

[Nerfbattles]

Spent three hours cooking a ginormous Sunday lunch for the four of us yesterday, was sweating my arse off getting everything to come together and asked DP (sitting on sofa on his laptop) if he could please carve the chicken. Went back to dealing with everything else, couple of mins pass and he's still on laptop, I'm getting everything into dishes and as i dashed past living room door I said 'now' as I thought he hasn't realised I meant I needed it doing straight away although I had already said not long ago dinner was in 5 mins.

He then went ballistic saying how incredibly rude I was shouting now at him (I totally didn't shout!) I tried to explain I was only saying it as I thought he hadn't realised I meant could he do it straightaway but he was having none of it. Went on at me about being so rude and having a go until I started getting upset so then he had a go about me 'crying and sniffling' said I was trying to make myself out the victim when I was the one on the wrong.

He ended up storming out so I just fed my DS's as I really didn't want to eat by then. He slept on the sofa and didn't say a word this morning before leaving.

I feel he had a massive over reaction and ruined a lovely dinner I spent hours over and I've just spent an hour cleaning the kitchen this morning all for nothing. Was I BU? What do I do to fix it? I felt like apologising this morning until I started clearing up and now I'm just cross and dreading him coming home :-/

I think those on this thread saying "it's not acceptable behaviour" (myself included) need to realise this is him after he's improved - this is better than it was at the start of their relationship, and the OP continued with the relationship to the stage they now live together.

I wouldn't continue in a relationship with a sulker, with someone who spoke to me in an unkind way, if I was dating him, no matter what his good points, so this relationship would have ended pretty early on. The OP obviously doesn't think this behaviour is all that bad, or at least, not bad enough to be classed as 'unacceptable'. Therefore it's not really surprising she's not in the LTB mindset - this is annoying, but ok.

Telling her it's not acceptable for her DCs to live like this won't work either, she thinks this behaviour is ok, so it's OK for her DCs to experience it.

It sounds like he's owning the competitive victim role.

So he's kicking up a fuss until you learn that he's the special victim with all the excuses in the world, and if you encroach on his territory by having emotions or showing vulnerability, then woe betide you!

If you think about it as him guarding his role and relationship dynamic, his reaction no longer seems so disproportionate.

I'd be wanting to address the way he's created this unequal rest of rules and how he's happy to upset and punish you until you comply.

Good luck.

Massive twat!

My dh goes all Gordon in the kitchen and told me I was taking too long to prepare the salad. He took over. I told him he was a twat and flicked wine at him. He licked it off his face and called me a bitch.

We laughed. No sulks.

So what if you shouted now! That's married life sometimes. Hate a sulker.

Lots of food for thought here..when we first got together every now and again he'd behaved a certain way and I'd refuse to put up with it and he'd change things but I do wonder if this is as far as it's ever going to go as lately when I've pulled him up on stuff things improve for a bit then go backwards. I've been standing my ground much more lately because of this and I wonder if this is a bit of a reaction to it? Like a poster above said... 'guarding his role'

I'm never quite sure how useful for the OP it is when people post stories of how their DH/DP would never do such a thing.

If his supposed IBS was a genuine problem he would be beating the doctor's door down, not waiting for two years after self-diagnosis even to see the doctor and then waiting several weeks or months more to give the doctor a stool sample.

He is an arse. Don't apologise at all. Is he a fucking teenager?

What you cooked and how long it took is irrelevant OP, please don't justify yourself here, you don't need to.

My DH can be a little bit like this, I'll ask him to do something and he can take forever to move, so I do need to emphasise that I don't mean in half an hour, I need to it done now. But my DH wouldn't make me cry and wouldn't blame his shitty behaviour on an illness. He certainly wouldn't give me the silent treatment for days on end. The fact you know it will be days doesn't sou d good, it sou d's like you are far too used to this behaviour, and it's crappy.

I do feel sorry for your children in all this. He may have redeeming features for you, but can you be so sure that they see any redeeming features?

If the very best that can be said about him from their point of view, is that he makes himself scarce when he's having one of his sulks, then he does not sound like a pleasant person to live with.

In fact, if I had to live someone entirely unrelated to me who behaved like that, and who was there through no choice or wish of my own, I'd find it intolerable.

They have to put up with him. Not great.

My 18 year old son has IBS and I would not let him use that as excuse to be an arsehole or do nothing (unless a major flare but if was a major flare he not be wanting Sunday lunch either

Should add that's do nothing if a flare not be an arsehole(no excuse for it

OP - this is who he is, he hasn't and won't change.

Only you can work out if the good bits are good enough for you to put up with this sort of behaviour regularly or you having to modify your behaviour to avoid him getting in a strop followed by sulk. You get rid, or you accept these conflicts will be a regular part of your/your DCs lives or you behave in the way he wants you to in order to avoid the conflicts.

There's no 'find the right words or phrase make him into someone else' option.

If he did think your 'now' sounded a bit snappy or bossy (not saying it necessarily did, OP) an 'alright, alright, I'm coming, stop nagging' would have been a normal response. Going ballistic and reducing the OP to tears, followed by the silent treatment is absolutely ridiculous. He sounds like he needs a good kick up the arse.

Totally irrelevant to the OP but who does one lick wine of their own face?

How