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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sunday lunch trauma WIBU?

164 replies

Nerfbattles · 26/10/2015 11:11

Spent three hours cooking a ginormous Sunday lunch for the four of us yesterday, was sweating my arse off getting everything to come together and asked DP (sitting on sofa on his laptop) if he could please carve the chicken. Went back to dealing with everything else, couple of mins pass and he's still on laptop, I'm getting everything into dishes and as i dashed past living room door I said 'now' as I thought he hasn't realised I meant I needed it doing straight away although I had already said not long ago dinner was in 5 mins.

He then went ballistic saying how incredibly rude I was shouting now at him (I totally didn't shout!) I tried to explain I was only saying it as I thought he hadn't realised I meant could he do it straightaway but he was having none of it. Went on at me about being so rude and having a go until I started getting upset so then he had a go about me 'crying and sniffling' said I was trying to make myself out the victim when I was the one on the wrong.

He ended up storming out so I just fed my DS's as I really didn't want to eat by then. He slept on the sofa and didn't say a word this morning before leaving.

I feel he had a massive over reaction and ruined a lovely dinner I spent hours over and I've just spent an hour cleaning the kitchen this morning all for nothing. Was I BU? What do I do to fix it? I felt like apologising this morning until I started clearing up and now I'm just cross and dreading him coming home :-/

OP posts:
NumbBlaseCold · 26/10/2015 12:12

'Now' would piss me off, but a lot of that would be less of the tone more the fact that I had not done it and knew it was all I'd been asked to do.

So touch of guilt I guess.

And having teachers in the family.

In my family they are the worst for talking patronising as though you are children, whatever the subject.

I do think he overreacted, I do wonder if his IBS is a part of that though it does not excuse it.

I find when I get stressed or upset my stomach gets set off and then I have far less tolerance than normally I would have.

To look at it from another side too, I hate it when people cry mid argument because then even if you are 100% in the right you feel like a complete heel.

From some people I would realised I'd been a complete heel and would be very upset at myself and say how sorry I was.

But for at least one person I know it would just irritate me because they cry when they don't get their way or want the argument to end.

It is a shame, all it took was him to say 'did you mean to snap at me?'

To which you would have replied, 'no, sorry, I just need you to work with me'.

I would say back, 'i understand you are in pain and I'm trying to support you but you completely overreacted yesterday. I am sorry if I was snappy, that was not my intention. I was busy, I needed your help and dinner was ready. If you'd just said to me I was being snappy I would have apologised and we could have had a nice lunch. Instead you lost your temper and started shouting, which I do not appreciate. I feel you took out your stress and pain on me.'

He has no right to go ballistic or storm off like a child, he made a mountain out of a mole hill unless you are like the one person I know who manipulates with tears which I doubt you are.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/10/2015 12:13

He's an arsehole.

He's an arsehole for not getting up when you asked him to;
He's an arsehole for getting a strop on because you dashed past and probably did snap "Now!" at him because he hadn't moved when you asked him to
He's an arsehole for shouting at you and making you cry
He's an arsehole for then having a go at you for crying
He's an arsehole for storming out of the house instead of apologising for making you cry, and just eating the dinner you'd spent hours preparing
He's an arsehole for then sleeping on the sofa
He's an arsehole for still going on about you being rude
And he's an arsehole for blaming it on his IBS, which he should fucking well sort out with either diet, drugs or a combination of both.

HTH. Thanks

NumbBlaseCold · 26/10/2015 12:14

Xpost

Yes he'll probably not speak to me for days

This says it all.

Someone who uses the silent treatment and sulking to punish is not someone who will make a good relationship with.

Is he normally like this or is this new behaviour?

Are they his kids and this a LTR or relatively new?

Because relatively new would be a massive red flag to his future worse behaviour while older with this as new behaviour bodes better.

Leelu6 · 26/10/2015 12:15

YANBU.

If I cook a meal that I want my DH to enjoy while it's hot, I will tell him to stop what he's doing and come over and help dish up. He will do the same to me.

Does he help with housework/cooking?

Fairenuff · 26/10/2015 12:16

Ah, I see you are used to this treatment OP. So is this just a moany thread then, not actually wanting to change anything?

squoosh · 26/10/2015 12:19

Yes he'll probably not speak to me for days

I grew up with a father who would inflict silent treatment on the household for days over minor incidents like this. It's a horrible, stressful way to live and as an adult my tolerance level for this kind of behaviour is very low.

When he's out of his latest strop (I know there's no point in trying to address anything till the sulking has passed) you need to sit down discuss his behaviour. Neither you nor your children should have to put up with tantrums followed by cold silences.

Spotifymuse · 26/10/2015 12:19

So significantly bigger issues to deal with then?

Leelu6 · 26/10/2015 12:23

Sorry, OP, just saw your post re DH and housework.

Original poster
Nerfbattles · 26/10/2015 12:27

It's a LTR but not his kids. He does tend to strop and not speak for days but he's got much better than when we first got together, he wasn't used to being in a LTR and he's changed a lot of his behaviour to be fair, it's something we've worked on.

I posted as I didn't know if I should be apologising again, or if i was just feeling cross unreasonably. I did say sorry at the time and that I didn't mean 'now' nastily, I just didn't think he realised I meant right away

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 26/10/2015 12:31

DP also likes to cook so does it a fair bit too although no other housework.

He does tend to strop and not speak for days

Well, isn't he a charmer.

Notimefortossers · 26/10/2015 12:33

It's not competitive roast making OnlyLovers . . . it doesn't take anyone 3 hours to make a roast chicken dinner when a chicken only takes a maximum of 2 hours to roast and you do all the other bits while it's cooking. The point is that the OP is over exaggerating how hard it was for her to make her husband look like more of an arse. And if she's always like that then maybe his over reaction isn't so over. Deffo don't think we've been given the whole story

NickNackNooToYou · 26/10/2015 12:35

I think you both need to sit down and talk, it's not normal for an adult to continually strop. It can't be nice for your DCs either.

shovetheholly · 26/10/2015 12:41

I cooked a roast for loads of people on Friday and it took me well over 4 hours! I made: smoked roast garlic soup and sourdough, followed by nut roast, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, braised red cabbage, cauliflower cheese, sweet potato and carrot mash, yorkshire puddings, steamed peas, home-made gravy. I was slogging my guts out to get it all done in time and needed a bloody big gin afterwards. It can easily take HOURS! So BIG RASPBERRIES to all those posters who are like 'It takes me 15 minutes...'.

Fairenuff · 26/10/2015 12:41

He does tend to strop and not speak for days but he's got much better than when we first got together

Do you think that this relationship is a positive role model for your children?

NumbBlaseCold · 26/10/2015 12:41

I think it is worrying that you are questioning yourself like this.

While the now could be snappy, his reaction was uncalled for and unreasonable.

That you were unsure if this is so is worrying.

It makes me wonder about others times you have possibly been unsure and gone with it being your fault for easier.

You do need to talk, communication is paramount.

OnlyLovers · 26/10/2015 12:45

Notime, it took her three hours. She's explained why.

it doesn't take anyone 3 hours to make a roast chicken dinner. Hmm

Why the fuck do you think you get to decide for everyone how long it takes? Like holly says, big raspberries.

Notimefortossers · 26/10/2015 12:48

shovetheholly But the OP was not cooking for loads of people she was cooking for 4. It doesn't take me 15 minutes. It takes me 2 hours from start to finish, but I am not continually slaving all that time . . . and I think anyone that says they are unless you're cooking for 10, or doing four courses or something . . . is fibbing

Polgara25 · 26/10/2015 12:49

Maybe have Sunday dinner out, next time?

Make a less complex roast?

Clearly nobody enjoyed the meal so what's the point?

Notimefortossers · 26/10/2015 12:50

Only Lovers Back at ya.

She SAYS it took her 3 hours. It's my choice to believe her or not. She asked if SWBU. I've given her my opinion . . . have I missed the point of what AIBU is about?

Jux · 26/10/2015 12:52

Tell him to grow the fuck up, take responsibility for his own actions and illness and learn to behave like an adult.

Original poster
Nerfbattles · 26/10/2015 12:52

Bloody hell! Apparently there's almost more debate on the length of time I take to make a roast!

For the record I made:
A garlic, parsley and thyme butter for the chicken
Nut roast (to take to the parents later today)
Loads of gravy from scratch
Roast potatoes
Mash (mounds of it!), some of which I turned into horseradish mash)
Glazed carrots
Minted peas (made the mint sauce )
Cabbage with onion, bacon & cream
Green beans in garlic
Broccoli cheese (made the cheese sauce)
Pork and sage stuffing balls
Apple and BlackBerry pie.

Three hours isn't a stupid length of time to be honest when you do all that and its all from scratch.

I always make too much as it is, so have bloody tons left if anyone's hungry!

I enjoy it, that's why I do it, and like I said I don't do a roast all that often so I go to town.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 26/10/2015 12:55

I think it's pretty insulting to say she's lying, TBH.

As for missing the point, maybe I've missed the memo that says that because it takes YOU two hours to do a roast, it must take no one any longer?

The question was not AIBU to take three hours to do a roast, was it?

Original poster
Nerfbattles · 26/10/2015 12:55

We normally all thoroughly enjoy it but at least the kids did yesterday.

I'm alternating between feeling sorry for him and being cross at the moment. Clearly we do need to talk but I don't think I'll approach him tonight

OP posts:
squoosh · 26/10/2015 12:56

I'll take a slice of apple and blackBerry pie if it's still going.

Sansoora · 26/10/2015 13:00

Nerf, now that is a proper roast dinner. Smile