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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sunday lunch trauma WIBU?

164 replies

Nerfbattles · 26/10/2015 11:11

Spent three hours cooking a ginormous Sunday lunch for the four of us yesterday, was sweating my arse off getting everything to come together and asked DP (sitting on sofa on his laptop) if he could please carve the chicken. Went back to dealing with everything else, couple of mins pass and he's still on laptop, I'm getting everything into dishes and as i dashed past living room door I said 'now' as I thought he hasn't realised I meant I needed it doing straight away although I had already said not long ago dinner was in 5 mins.

He then went ballistic saying how incredibly rude I was shouting now at him (I totally didn't shout!) I tried to explain I was only saying it as I thought he hadn't realised I meant could he do it straightaway but he was having none of it. Went on at me about being so rude and having a go until I started getting upset so then he had a go about me 'crying and sniffling' said I was trying to make myself out the victim when I was the one on the wrong.

He ended up storming out so I just fed my DS's as I really didn't want to eat by then. He slept on the sofa and didn't say a word this morning before leaving.

I feel he had a massive over reaction and ruined a lovely dinner I spent hours over and I've just spent an hour cleaning the kitchen this morning all for nothing. Was I BU? What do I do to fix it? I felt like apologising this morning until I started clearing up and now I'm just cross and dreading him coming home :-/

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 26/10/2015 15:42

There's a reason why he wasn't in an LTR until now, OP. And he's 'getting better'? What compelled you to take on such a project?

Marynary · 26/10/2015 15:45

I must admit I would find it irritating if someone fussed an flapped over sunday lunch for three hours and then demanded that I help NOW.

You're another charmer then!!

You seem to have attracted all the entitled tossers today OP

What is "entitled" about it? I just find it irritating when people (e.g. my mother) fuss and flap for hours making complicated meals and then get angry with other people for not doing enough (in their opinion) to help. My mother does this and it is why I never eat at my parents house nowadays.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 26/10/2015 15:49

She didnt get angry with him for not doing enough. He's done sweet FA so far as I can see! She is entitled to some help, preferably when she actually needs it and not some time in the future when he can be arsed!

PHANTOMnamechanger · 26/10/2015 15:51

the problem with many relationships is that too many grown men, and grown women too, seem to think it is a mark of weakness to actually back down and apologise and admit to being in the wrong. They always have to 'win'.

Sulking, stropping, making you cry, THEN having a go at you for crying too, possibly sulking and giving the silent treatment for days? My god, I am so grateful my DH is more grown up than that. We ALWAYS apologise to each other (we have never properly shouted, never sworn at each other in 20 years), we model apologising to our DC, we always accept apologies with good grace (no sulking or cold shoulders). DH would be mortified to have made me cry by snapping. If I'd been working my butt off creating an absolutely top class roast (sounds gorgeous) and he chose to ignore me asking for help, I would not be pleased.

At the end of the day, OPs DH is just immature & selfish. He felt he had the right to come when he felt like it, rather than when he was asked. And then when picked up on it he went mad about it like some silly teenager.

Fairenuff · 26/10/2015 15:57

She got angry with him for not realising that she needed something straight away, but sulking and ignoring her days on end is fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

Marynary · 26/10/2015 16:06

I think that depends really on what happens when he cooks. Does he want or expect help or does he do it all himself?

PHANTOMnamechanger · 26/10/2015 16:10

But Mary - If, when he cooks, he doesn't want or need any help, that's fine - it has no bearing on the situation. He's not entitled to think 'do it yourself like I do'. She made a simple request for help. He did not say 'Just coming/in a minute' or anything, then when he had to be reminded the help was needed there and then, he got all stroppy and unreasonable!

GruntledOne · 26/10/2015 16:21

I must admit I would find it irritating if someone fussed an flapped over sunday lunch for three hours and then demanded that I help NOW.

No doubt. However, that is totally irrelevant to this situation where (1) he could see that OP was rushing around and, if he were a normally considerate human being, could and should have offered to help without being asked; and (2) OP had already asked once and been ignored. And I assume, Marynary, that even if you did find it irritating you wouldn't go into a 24 hour sulk about it?

LuluJakey1 · 26/10/2015 16:32

He does sound like a tosser but she does seem intent on playing the 1950s domestic martyr who needs DH to 'come and carve the chicken' when she has flogged herself doing evetything else.

We had egg and chips yesterday as a treat and it was delicious.

squoosh · 26/10/2015 16:33

She said she only cooks a roast once in a while so she doesn't sound too martyrish to me.

OhMakeMeOver · 26/10/2015 16:34

Well. Wow. He sounds like he exploded over something so petty!

If I were you I would not apologise at all. He's being unreasonable for not listening to you in the first place and then if he decides to get angry because you asked him a second time and explodes over it... How is it your fault?

Just because he's got a health problem doesn't mean that it's okay for him to snap at you, whilst you're making his dinner, and make his kids see/hear you two arguing! You didn't cause his IBS!

Some men are immature enough to go off in a strop and not talk to anyone like they're a bloody 5 year old! If this scenario happened in my house, it would be taken as a light hearted 'Now!' rather than an excuse to go off on one - that's ridiculous!

You told him you needed help, so he should have bloody listened the first time. He's in the wrong for acting that way, then trying to blame you for his actions - how is that fair?

He should help when making food to feed his family when you asked him, to be honest. And the fact you said he does no housework... I'd leave his clothes unwashed until he gets the picture!

prettywhiteguitar · 26/10/2015 16:34

I think he sounds like very hard work, how long have you been together ?

Is he having treatment for IBS ? I get being in pain makes you snappy but honestly he drags it out. I think if be reconsidering bringing up children in an environment where the man ignores the mum for days on end. Imagine what they're thinking ? As for you putting up with it, why ?

Original poster

Nerfbattles · 26/10/2015 16:44

Just to clear up a few things, I don't do this kind of dinner often, it's pretty infrequent and it was actually him who asked if I was going to do a roast today. I love to cook and enjoy making lots of dishes and I do make extra for my parents, for later in the week and for freezing. The kids are having sausage mash and beans & veg for tea and I'll be making stock later with the carcass once stripped and some leftover veg.

I don't ask him to help as he'd be underfoot and I don't need it anyway, I only ask him to sort the chicken so I can get everything into dishes and finalise bits at the last minute, him doing that bit means everything gets to the table hot, it's not a sexist thing that the man has to carve it's more there's a lot to get done last minute and he can get on with that and not be in the way while I do the rest, he can't help with much else as I've got it in my head what's going where etc

I'm totally not complaining about cooking or how long it takes, it's totally my choice.

We both cook mostly without help from the other but do things like he'll chop onions for me, I'll grate cheese for him etc if we're in there kitchen together.

The kids were upstairs and didn't know anything I'm sure (playing a computer game with headphones on). When I called them down I just said DP and i were going to eat later on.

OP posts:

BathshebaDarkstone · 26/10/2015 16:45

It's like my DH who doesn't understand that I need him to move now so that DD can sit down for her supper. He thinks I mean in half an hour.

Original poster

Nerfbattles · 26/10/2015 16:50

Hmmmm well it took him ages to go to the doctor about it (self diagnosed a couple of years ago but only went to doc this year and doc is still awaiting a stool sample so they can investigate further).

When he's sulked before it's been easy to explain away to kids as he stays away from me and as he's often in the shed working or sometimes working away somewhere so they don't really notice. You're right though it's not adult behaviour.

Obviously he does have his good points but can be such a child at times, he knows this and had tried over the years to improve things but maybe this is add good as it's ever going to get? Eeeek :-/

OP posts:

Original poster

Nerfbattles · 26/10/2015 16:52

I do all the housework as I only work part time and he mostly works full time so I tend to do all that when I'm at home and the kids are in school.

OP posts:

OhMakeMeOver · 26/10/2015 16:55

Have you ever been told the little story of the cat and the bird?

Someone was shouting for someone to 'Come now!', repeatedly. After a while they eventually turned up and asked 'What's the matter?' The person that was shouting for them to come earlier replies 'It's too late now. The bird's dead. The cat got it.' - that's how my mum somewhat taught me to come when you're being called to help.

It doesn't matter how infrequently you cook a roast or how much you help each other out, what's wrong is he's accusing you of being rude when he was being rude for ignoring you in the first place. it would make no difference if you were clearing out the garage or something and asked him to grab something out quickly because it was falling on you, if he came too late, you'd be hurt, right?

Goingtobeawesome · 26/10/2015 17:13

It very much seems to me that he thought you were over stepping the mark he has for you by saying "now" so has to bully and control you back into submission.

As for the posters making comments about roast and mash, have a word with yourself, you are being very silly and immature.

Marynary · 26/10/2015 17:21

But Mary - If, when he cooks, he doesn't want or need any help, that's fine - it has no bearing on the situation. He's not entitled to think 'do it yourself like I do'.

I disagree. DH and I take it in turns to go and we get on with it by ourselves. Considering that, I wouldn't particularly appreciate it if he demanded that I drop what I am doing and help him immediately when it is his turn.

Marynary · 26/10/2015 17:22

And I assume, Marynary, that even if you did find it irritating you wouldn't go into a 24 hour sulk about it?

Of course not. As I said that he was very rude.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/10/2015 17:39

What do you do when he decides to talk to you again? Please tell me you don't fall over yourself with gratitide.

Do you still provide housewifery services to him while he is being a complete and utter twat to you?

The silent treatment is totally unacceptable behaviour. Who owns the house? Could you tell him to leave and only come back when he is prepared to act like an adult?

Birdsgottafly · 26/10/2015 18:04

OP your children will know what's going on and will have cottoned on to the real reason why your not eating.

It might not be a realisation that you want to face up to, but he shouldn't be living with you all, whilst he behaves like this.

I lived with my DHs Cancer and other health problems (he died), I've had Pneumonia and all pregnancy/PND issues at no time were either of us "walking on eggshells".

Time for straight talking and ultimatums.

Fairenuff · 26/10/2015 18:37

And there it is. The minimising, the excusing, the 'the children don't notice'. Sadly it's the same as most of these threads. OP you don't want to change anything, you just want to have a bit of a moan and carry on.

This is your 'normal'. It wouldn't be normal for lots of other people but it seems you don't want to go there. Yet.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 26/10/2015 18:38

Agree that the children probably know far more than you realise. They are very sensitive to nuance and mood.

Jux · 26/10/2015 18:50

His ibs is undiagnosed? The doctor is waiting for a stool sample - for months?

Your dh is simply using his supposed and self-diagnosed 'illness' as a threat and a punishment. If you don't acquiesce, he will be childish and rude but it's not his fault as it's his pretend ibs; that particular hitherto unknown form which allows him to drink beer with impunity.

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