To have let rip at grandparents

[claudib]

They left the gate to the swimming pool open, I approached them telling them with concern and they were very shruggish " it wasn't me" "It might have been me but .." " Look ,do you really think we would let... ? "She wasn't even around there.." So I got angry and shouted
Apparently I've stepped over a line.
And I'm made out to be the bad guy.
Some background info, i found it left open twice last year ( the pool has 3 gates of access onto it) I quietly seethed to myself on those ones and made my partner promise he would have a word about gate security. He probably didn't I'm guessing.
he is not talking to me on account of my outburst. Which consisted of pleads to keeps the gate shut/ safeguarding measures etc.. Albeit screeched but there was no personal insults.
Thanks in advance!

When I said last year I should've included last visit. They live abroad the child I am concerned about is a toddler

Twice in a year doesn't sound much, but you say they live abroad. How many times did you visit?

YANBU to be very upset but shouting probably isn't the best way to deal with it.

Get a self closing device for the gate.

Eh, it'll blow over. I've shouted at people before and when things calm down they don't do the thing so they don't get shouted at again see reason. I also don't shout unless it's for a good reason. I can count the times I've ever had to shout at people on less than one hand not including my teen years of course.

Sometimes you need to stamp your feet a little to jar people out of apathy to get them to understand how serious something is.

If you shout regularly, you're probably yabu and work on your anger. But if you're typically a laid back person and this is the first time you've laid into them, then they need the wake up call if nothing else is working.

Fuck 'em.
Know that you are 100% reasonable. If they keep up the sulking give them round 2! If they're dense enough to leave it open and then have any reaction that's not utter ashen abject regret to being called on it they a) deserve the bollocking and more importantly b) needed it to understand how important it is.

Yes you were rude. Watch your child.

That's absolutely not the answer Moops
It's a simple action they need to do and if it's replaced with something mechanical that could fail you're taking the onus of them to behave responsibly.
Although OP, if they do it again I'd nail the gates shut or lock the gates and keep the key on me. Climbing over it being denied access will focus their minds.

Watch your child.

Very easy to say. In my last job I was working on the legislation around fencing of swimming pools (I am not in the UK and they are much more prevalent in homes here). I read through many coroners' reports about the deaths of under 5s in home pools. Utterly utterly tragic all of them, all stemming from momentary (seconds to minutes) lapses of concentrations/mix-ups in where the child was etc.

I don't think YABU at all. The GPs need to know how vital it is not to make an error in leaving the gate open.

I would never move into a property with a pool when I am responsible for small children.

Are you at theirs, or are they at yours OP?

I think that a self-closing gate is definitely the right answer. You can't rely on people to remember to close the gate every time - especially if it's their house and their pool and they're not in the habit of doing it.

Personally I wouldn't be staying there again unless it has a self-closing gate or a pool alarm. Pool alarm doesn't prevent a child falling in but at least alerts you with hopefully enough time to deal with it.

Can't take the risk with a toddler, they only need to forget once and it's too late.

My alternative when we have stayed in holiday homes without a fenced pool was to keep the doors to outside locked with a key and this made sure that toddler did not exit the house without someone supervising. But again it relies on the grandparents playing ball and locking the door, which they may forget.

Yes last visit it happened twice. We visit once a year and the pool is a big fear of mine.
I'd love a self closing device but it's not my place to start doing DIY on their place methinks ( I think I am now a human closing device during this trip)
In terms of history of rows I'm afraid we have had 2 rows on previous visits, both times me and my partner were having a row and MIL got involved.
(Thinking back though MIL has snapped at me loads over the years and got way with it - she's very matriarchal)
We do get on but I feel they undermine me as a health and safety gone mad case.

Yeah I do believe I lost the high ground by shouting ( and yes do hope that at least that it will serve the purpose of hitting home with them)
It's also time of the month- that surely added its peice to my delivery no doubt!
Thanks for this mumsnetters! as no one here last night seems to want to discuss and we instead had an awkwardish lets not talk about it glass of wine. (And I'm obviously having a sleepless night over it.) Dunno if brushing under the carpet is a good approach either though.
Partner is being very frosty. It seems I am definitely the bad guy..

Eugh. If you're staying with them and they're so feckless the onus is on you to watch DD. I'd read it as them visiting you hence my nailing shut advice.

OP - I do not think you are being unreasonable and I speak as a GP. Sadly, every year there are reports of young children drowning in pools and ponds. You just cannot be too careful, I don't understand your MiL's attitude at all.

Aww thanks guys this means a lot. Yes they break you down and make you feel like you are mad. Not a sorry was said after my initial approach which was why I got enraged. It's true the horrid stories you must have read fardelsbear. This is how I see it. Why do they have an it wouldn't happen to me attitude. ?
We are in their home abroad -ex pats. So yeah their terrain
I am going to shadow my daughter whilst here now.
You know you want them to enjoy time with their grand kids but now I can't trust them.
There are lots other dangers too, sheer drops, stone stairs leading up to roof. they live on the side of a very steep hill with with sharp rocks. I'm not gonna bring those up because they will further think me h+s freak and will not take me seriously. Totally different perspectives of safety.

Even if they're at the house the onus is still on them to shut the damn gate. It only takes seconds for a toddler to slip away unnoticed. Mine sneaks off to different rooms plenty of time without me noticing. I keep doors to certain rooms closed (and they're noisy enough I'd hear them opening) to prevent her from getting into things she shouldn't.

You shouldn't have to be on high alert the entire time. Where was DP watching DD? I'd stop going if they're going to deliberately leave a dangerous area in easy access of a toddler who could drown.

I wouldn't worry about refusal to talk about it, I'd worry that they're keeping it closed. If they close the gate, no more reason to get upset.

It's also time of the month- that surely added its peice to my delivery no doubt!

I'm sick to death as hearing that as an excuse. Menstruating doesn't turn women into uncontrollable idiots. Just own your shit like a big girl. You had valid reasons to get mad.

They were all doing gardening and I was inside all doors open at the desk getting on with work to do ) the girls were in between us all, I was listening for her voice at all times if my eyes were not on her. But I went to the loo then came out couldn't hear her voice and momentarily panicked saying where is she? And ran to check the pool and found the gate open. She was with the others as it happens but yeah that's when I noticed. I trusted it was shut, enough to go to the loo for 2 minutes. Then realised I was a fool to trust. She is getting shadowed now. Which is going to make things awkward for them spending time with her. But I'm not taking chances

You can't live with that potential possible moment of panic. I appreciate the poster saying that toddlers need to be watched and as a mum I believe that is fairly instinctive (but not a grandparent often as they can forget what toddlers are like quite easily, especially if they don't see them regularly). However for peace of mind in my house there are no serious risks left unattended. I have a toddler and 2 children quite a bit older older - I cannot rely on them and other children/adults who may be out of the house to remember to keep doors / gates closed. And I recognise that it's impossible to have a physical eye on my toddler at all times (not so much of an issue for a first child).

So, any chemical products/medicines/knives are kept high up - DD simply can't reach them. Windows above the first floor are locked. Heavy furniture fixed to the wall. Pool gate self-closing. Blind cords are fixed to the wall out of reach. Front door is kept key locked (otherwise can be opened with a handle and there is access to the road) and I keep they key. Side gates are locked with a padlock.

You are right you have to shadow her now while you are there. Or can you not buy a pool alarm and use it while you are staying? I appreciate you can't instal a self-closing gate. I personally wouldn't go back until you're confident in your DD's ability to swim safely (or at least save herself) - they can come to you. Not worth the risk.

YANBU to want the gate closed.

But you can't MAKE other adults do what you want them to, and shouting rarely achieves anything. Your choices are to persuade them with rational argument, to watch your dc like a hawk, or to stay elsewhere. Ultimately it's your responsibility to keep your child safe: if this property isn't safe, don't stay there. It's a bit like relatives with dogs: if there is any doubt, don't put your child in the firing line.

(They may be committing a legal offence if safety fence isn't up to standard, so you can try arguing that - but a prosecution isn't much comfort when the child is already drowned.)

I think it's fine to express your frustration. It's hard because they are the GP but if they want to play with dgc they need to accept responsibilities too.

Actually as a property it doesn't sound very toddler-friendly at all. If you don't want to be on the alert all the time (and i wouldn't blame you) then you really might want to consider renting a small apartment nearby next time you visit!

I think if your going to lose your temper, its a damn good reason too. Much better to give then a sharp shock now than something terrible happened. Also if nothing personal was said but you raised your voice in anger, they need to get over it - the consequences of leaving that gate open could be a million times worse.

I have a self closing front gate so that the kids can't escape into the road - but it didn't always quote shut, so you still have to be vigilant. In a way, it might make them more forgetful about it. It would drive me mad.

I'd go absolutely apeshit at this, so yanbu, but i would either demand they get self closing gates or padlock the bloody things if there are any future visits. As for the "watch your child" comment, if the gates are closed then there's no safety issues. I doubt anyone has never lost sight of a child for the seconds it can take for something awful to happen as far as a pool or pond are concerned.

Sorry but you are visiting them .i agree this is important and its great that they have a pool with a fence however you have to adopt extra security for your child when not in your home and that is you. My parents home had loads of dangerous places and basically it meant everytime they wanted to go outside they HAD to be supervised. I brought a travel gate and put it over the door when it was open. When they went out I went out as well. I tactfully put up high ornaments etc. Going ape at them was rude . Imagine if they came into your house and shouted at you. A please could you try and remember ... The child is YOURS and YOUR responsibility.

Aww thanks for your suggestions. Yes they want to see their grandkids and the kids love to see them. I would never withhold that right and we don't have money to rent another apartment ( that's another story altogether! Our having to come here once a year (and I've finally got DP to agree to get it down to once a year!) robs us of our own holidays ) so yeah there's a bit of contention back story.
I'd let them visit with DP on his own while I got on with my busy work back home if I could. But I come because I don't trust her to be safeguarded ( thank god I don't!)
Who knows how this tension with DP is gonna pan out. I know I wouldn't like it if he shouted at my parents, trying to understand it from his side as best I can. But gosh - really can't thank you guys you have made a sleepless stress filled night much easier and I feel my concerns and views have been backed up. ( sanity may still be mine