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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have let rip at grandparents

144 replies

claudib · 25/10/2015 04:06

They left the gate to the swimming pool open, I approached them telling them with concern and they were very shruggish " it wasn't me" "It might have been me but .." " Look ,do you really think we would let... ? "She wasn't even around there.." So I got angry and shouted
Apparently I've stepped over a line.
And I'm made out to be the bad guy.
Some background info, i found it left open twice last year ( the pool has 3 gates of access onto it) I quietly seethed to myself on those ones and made my partner promise he would have a word about gate security. He probably didn't I'm guessing.
he is not talking to me on account of my outburst. Which consisted of pleads to keeps the gate shut/ safeguarding measures etc.. Albeit screeched but there was no personal insults.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
icklekid · 25/10/2015 06:51

Wow some extreme views here. ..you got cross because you didn't feel they accepted responsibility for the gate and shouted. I can imagine myself doing it because of the concern over toddlers safety. I think your concerns are more likely to be acknowledged if you go back and explain you are sorry for shouting and explain why it upset you so much, they will then (hopefully ) apologise for the gate and make more effort in future. Take the high road back again!

Original poster
claudib · 25/10/2015 06:52

"Can't thank you ENOUGH" I meant to say.. Gosh don't wanna lose you nowGrin

OP posts:
ShamelessBreadAddict · 25/10/2015 06:57

Yanbu and agree with op who said sometimes you do have to shout. It's not the mature thing to do and I don't do it a lot, (can't honestly remember the last time I did), but sometimes, with some people you need to shout them out of apathy.

As Rosa said, our DCs are our responsibility ultimately and that's exactly why I probably would have shouted too.

Alternatively, stop visiting them or stay somewhere else when you do.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 25/10/2015 07:00

Sorry X post

LibidinousSwine · 25/10/2015 07:06

Could you buy one of those floating things that gives off an alarm if the water surface is broken

Alright it shouldn't be down to you and we can spend pages debating how poor it is that the GPs are lax about shutting the pool gate BUT, that will all be academic if your toddler falls in and drowns. At least the alarm will give you peace of mind,then you can choose how far to fall it with your IL's or not ;)

Sansoora · 25/10/2015 07:08

In an ideal world you shouldn't have shouted, but you did, and folks will have to get over it while remembering you were scared.

We have a pool, we have young grandchildren, we have a few systems built in to keeping them and everyone else safe but the bottom line is that nothing works as well as the human element of things. That is people having eyes in the back of their head and being alert.

Personally - when my grandchildren are here, which is a few days a week, I always make sure Im on guard. Its my pool and its my responsibility to keep the pool area safe. Its not just about keeping the children safe!

Sansoora · 25/10/2015 07:08

Could you buy one of those floating things that gives off an alarm if the water surface is broken

They are not that reliable.

Sansoora · 25/10/2015 07:11

I think that a self-closing gate is definitely the right answer.

Some gates are too heavy for this to be used at all whilst others can take so long to close a child could dart in and be dead before people realise they must have accessed the pool whilst the gate was closing.

Sansoora · 25/10/2015 07:14

A please could you try and remember ... The child is YOURS and YOUR responsibility.

Really?

What a load of tripe.

BrandNewAndImproved · 25/10/2015 07:21

Swimming lessons for the toddler and a pool alarm.

That's just being practical and of course they should do their best to keep your dd safe but humans make mistakes.

I once shouted at my dm and wouldn't let her or stepdad or sister hold my dcs hands near the water on holiday. I could see them drowning so vividly and didn't trust them not to let go. I think it's a mum thing especially when you don't feel others are taking as much care as you are.

bluewisteria · 25/10/2015 07:27

On holiday with an undated pool in garden, our children (toddlers) simply had to wear water wings ALL the time. We still had to watch them - and to voice who was watching when otherwise someone thinks someone else has an eye on them.

SlaggyIsland · 25/10/2015 07:28

Rosa disagree. Having grown up in a hot country.... unfenced pools and toddlers are a lethal mix and it takes literally seconds, it can happen even if the parents are vigilant.
The only acceptable solution is to ensure that the gate is kept closed at all times. Anything else is too risky.

bluewisteria · 25/10/2015 07:28

*ungated

waitingforcalpoltowork · 25/10/2015 07:36

A please could you try and remember ... The child is YOURS and YOUR responsibility.

really? as far as im aware the child has two parents one who is looking out for the child and another who is acting like a brat because the responsible one lost her shit over a risk to THEIR child if he was any kind of dad he would be backing her up and maybe saying in private that he thought shouting wasn't the best way to go

grown ups shouldn't sulk about an issue that could kill their own child

WilburIsSomePig · 25/10/2015 07:47

The child is YOURS and YOUR responsibility.

Bloody hell. So the only person with any sense of responsibility for the safety of a child is the child's mother? Thank god DH and our parents didn't share this view when we went on holiday, I wouldn't have even to go for a pee.

cansu · 25/10/2015 07:48

It is not difficult to close a gate. Given that they are not used to having to do it as you nay visit once a year. A big sign on said gate reminding everyone should do the trick. Surely they want to keep their grand children safe. Try and have another conversation about it calmly. If it doesn't improve I would watch my dd v carefully but refuse to visit the following year until this issue has been resolved.

peggyundercrackers · 25/10/2015 07:52

Yabu to shout. Tbh you sound a little over protective given the other things you mention Like the stairs - stairs are an every day hazard. Also your comment about not trusting your DH to 'safeguard' her is unreasonable - he is an adult and can parent the way he wants to - he doesn't need to do what you tell him or do it your way.

RB68 · 25/10/2015 07:56

Teaching them to swim and a swim suit with floats when she is out and about - they are not as intrusive/uncomfy as wings.

SHOULD anything happen and she go in not being able to swim then please take her to a&e whatever, secondary drownings after the event are common (water on lungs)

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/10/2015 07:57

I wouldn't go back if they are that feckless around water and toddlers. They can visit you, and stay in a hotel.

Original poster
claudib · 25/10/2015 08:05

Peggyundercrackers - they are stone stairs leading up to a roof.
I know he doesn't have to do it my way. Clearly we have a problem to resolve there. We have an older child with whom he sometimes visits them without me. But I won't let him go wit little dd without me present

OP posts:
Bakeoffcake · 25/10/2015 08:06

I too wouldn't stay at the house. It is in no way toddler friendly.

There's an accident waiting to happen and the PIL and your H don't seem to careHmm

Micah · 25/10/2015 08:13

Mrs plum- do you have a fire plan in place? With all the doors locked with a key how would people get out in an emergency?

I did consider locking our doors with a key but felt the fire risk was too great. We fitted the handle higher up instead.

summerainbow · 25/10/2015 08:15

I third the children wearing life jacket at all times . This what people with pools who have young children do.

RueDeWakening · 25/10/2015 08:18

My parents have a pool in their garden (also expats), there are 3 ways of accessing it. The gates are both kept locked with the key high up out of reach of any children. The door from the house that leads to it is usually locked, and also has a child gate fitted while any grandchildren are in residence.

Despite all this, ALL adults are hyper-vigilant, because pools are dangerous and it only takes a second or two. My nephew (v impulsive, and only 3 or so at the time) managed to get himself in trouble by jumping into the pool without any floats on, despite there being 4 adults in and around it at the time! Fortunately he was ok, and scared himself silly so didn't do it again, but the consequences of doing that when the gate had been left open don't bear thinking about.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 25/10/2015 08:20

Could you padlock the gate? (take a bike lock with you next time?)

You'll probably get eyerolls and tuts but as you're already cast as overly protective one I'd just let them.

YANBU