To have let rip at grandparents

[claudib]

They left the gate to the swimming pool open, I approached them telling them with concern and they were very shruggish " it wasn't me" "It might have been me but .." " Look ,do you really think we would let... ? "She wasn't even around there.." So I got angry and shouted
Apparently I've stepped over a line.
And I'm made out to be the bad guy.
Some background info, i found it left open twice last year ( the pool has 3 gates of access onto it) I quietly seethed to myself on those ones and made my partner promise he would have a word about gate security. He probably didn't I'm guessing.
he is not talking to me on account of my outburst. Which consisted of pleads to keeps the gate shut/ safeguarding measures etc.. Albeit screeched but there was no personal insults.
Thanks in advance!

I have a level of high alert that I notice others don't at home too. It's interesting.. For example I won't let my kids red their scooters on path of the main busy road ( there are not any parked cars in between ) but many do and trust their 3 year old not to veer of the path into of an oncoming bus, you know.. 2 feet distance between - and that was a friend who seems sensible otherwise. In and of itself the levels of safety awareness (or "paranoia" as one poster referred too ) is an interesting one

Shadowing toddlers when you are outside is just normal parenting isn't it. It's what you would do at home anyway. Even if you have a very kid friendly garden you still need to watch them.

Sansoora - we are lucky enough to live in a country with proper pool fencing laws and therefore self-closing gates have a very strict limit on timing (i.e. not long enough for a toddler to "dart through unnoticed"). Tbh if it wasn't so I would be too anxious to take my toddler anywhere as many people have pools!

Micah - yes the fire risk is fine. It is only the front door that is locked by a key and any older child/adult would be able to escape at that side of the house through a ground floor window, next to the door, or the garage - both of which are not feasible for a toddler alone - so safe enough to stop her getting out onto the road and in a fire she would need me to get her out anyway.

FFSyourself I totally agree - it's useless to all be watching children in or around a pool as you can lose concentration for a few seconds and assume someone else is watching them which sadly is long enough. There is a recommended strategy that each adult takes a turn and wears a specific hat or similar so that it's a visual cue to everyone who has responsibility. We have never come across this but DH and I agree between ourselves who watches our DC. We are at a fairly ok point as we have older DC who are safe in the water and if our toddler is in someone needs to be right near her anyway so there's less room for error. Although obviously the older ones still need to be watched for accidents especially if they are on their own - or with a group of friends.

And to be honest - no - I don't shadow my toddler in the garden. If I am confident the pool gate is closed I am pretty sure there is nothing out there that could cause her to lose her life - and I'm aware of roughly where she is but she potters happily in and out of her sandpit, play house, rides her scooter, and has a perfectly nice time outside on her own out of my sight. That's always been one of the places my DC have enjoyed time playing independently and I have found it relaxing to know they are happily entertained while I can get on with household jobs. I'm talking an older toddler though, not a 15 month old.

Ds1 narrowly escaped death due to lax supervision by grandparents.

The problem was cultural inasmuch as they had always had plenty of "help" to watch their own DC constantly, so had little knowledge or experience of risk. They thought it was perfectly ok to abandon my 2 year old on the pavement while they crossed the road to their car. They assumed he would find his way back to me under his own steam - I was in another part of the building they were leaving, they were supposed to be looking after him and hadn't thought to actually inform either me or DH.

Ds naturally tried to follow them and was almost run over. Luckily the driver saw him and screeched to a halt, and a passerby grabbed him.

Their incompetence was a constant source of stress to me until I was eventually able to get through to DH that they couldn't be trusted. (After DH just managed to grab DS as he was about to climb out of the window of their 2nd floor flat...)

I really feel for you OP. It is a horrible situation to be in.

YANBU OP. A couple of days ago I was visiting DM and DSDad. DSdad and DD (14mo) were playing the piano together. DM and I were in another room, we could hear DSDad on the piano and all was fine, until we heard a thud and then DD crying. she had wandered off from DSDad who had carried on playing, climbed up the stairs and fallen down. We have no idea how high up she had got, but she was fine, thankfully.
DSDad just hadn't paid attention and didn't think of the risk that she would wander off and needed to be watched.
In my case, I don't need to worry as much because DM understands the risks and basically bollocked DSDad straight away (and I imagine said a lot more to him once I had gone).
but it is so easily done if you don't have then in sight at all times.

All the adults are around are 100% responsible - as we say in the law, jointly and severally.

YANBU in any way shape or form.

I am a granny OP...my heart is in my mouth at this scenario with a toddler and we would have filled in the pool from shock and guilt.

It takes seconds.YANBU and do not let this go because you don't want confrontation. Shout away!

Peggy - I think you just like being controversial you knob.

I've had some near misses myself with my kids, it can happen so easily especially when you live somewhere where access to pools is all around you. It really happens so fast and is quiet and calm, not always lots of splashing and noise.

OP - I'd be angry but I think if you apologise for shouting, you can open up the discussion and it gives them a chance to save face and talk properly about your concerns.

Of course they should close the gates but personally I would never just trust that anyone would have closed the gate if I had a toddler.
If they don't have a child there most of the year then the odds are that they will forget.
YABU to shout or kick off. All you can do is keep reminding them or not visit if they cannot be trusted, until your child is older.

A please could you try and remember ... The child is YOURS and YOUR responsibility

And because this child is her responsability the OP is doing her best to get people to understand that that gate has to be closed. Toddlers drowning in pools is too dreadfully common, unfortunately, it is not some mad extreme idea of safety on the part of the mother.

About ten years ago I belonged to another message board. One of the members didn't realise their toddler daughter had worked out how to open the French doors to their back garden. In just a few minutes, she managed to open the door, run to their pool and fall in. She was in a vegetative state until her death last year. It's just not worth the risk.

Oh dear that is sad.
HappyIdiot well done on converting your OH! I don't allow my mum own mum to sit (too scatty) but my Dad has the same worry threshold as me so I feel secure with him. I have no idea what's going to happen here as me and OH haven't spoke, just avoiding each other. Whatever happens on reflection I'm glad that it happened as yes now I'm fully aware of how I have to be while I'm here. As much as you'd like to when you are away with in laws I can't go off and do a bit of yoga or even have a shower. And I'm hoping that as it's been such a bad atmosphere that maybe that will sear it into their brains. But high alert is how I'm going to stay.
Cheers for the support all!

the american academy of paediatrics strongly recommends not having a pool when a child is less than age 6 - for a reason.

OP you were not wrong to yell at people who let a gate to a pool open with a toddler around.

But you cannot rely on these grandparents to show the level of responsibility needed with a pool and a toddler. So you and your dh have to take that responsibility. Basically you cannot leave them in charge of your child on their own and you need to behave as if there is open access to a pool at all times. Bit of a stressful holiday but that is the reality.

I'm laughing at the comment "Twice in a year doesn't sound much" it only takes once for a child to drown. Lots of pools/ponds where we are and unfortunately at least one child drowns every summer.

peggyundercrackers

Paranoia after her child has drowned from falling in once would not bring Her DD back...it only takes once and it only takes seconds!

Yes Canyouforgiveher I agree that comment is laughable. It was actually twice last visit and once this visit so perhaps if I total the days here then I should've said 3 times in 7 days ( slightly more shocking for that commenter I might guess)

You were bang out of order.SO RUDE!!!
It is their house , their pool, their gate.It is not their responsibility to baby-proof their house for your visite It is YOUR CHILD and YOUR (and your DH's ) job to watch him/her.You should not be letting your toddler wander unsupervised-especially in unfamiliar surroundings

Another way of looking at this is that you accept that the gate won't be closed by the GPs ever and thet you and your DH act accordingly by supervising the DC or buying a combination lock or whatever.
However much you screamed at them I don't believe you will or should ever trust them to close the gate.... so the shouting and the horrible atmosphere is all for nothing. I don't see that it hasn't achieved anything other than making you feel better for a few moments.
The DC will be no safer because of it.

^You were bang out of order.SO RUDE!!!
It is their house , their pool, their gate.It is not their responsibility to baby-proof their house for your visite^

Of course it is. What kind of idiot invites their precious grandchildren to stay and doesn't put in place adequate measures to babyproof a swimming pool, never mind the rest of the house? My children are grown up so my house is no longer babyproof, but if I have friends with small children coming round, I do a sweep of the house to remove easily breakable things, block off dangerous areas like stairs and hearth - it's being a responsible host. I don't want my guests to be able to relax and enjoy their visit without worrying about these things.

These GPs are being completely irresponsible and OP should not have to apologise, imo.

Grr - italic fail in previous post!

YANBU at all. It's the equivalent of living on a busy street and leaving the front door wide open. Of course children need watching 24/7 but with the best will in the world accidents happen and sometimes your attention will be elsewhere. You need extra safeguards.

I third the children wearing life jacket at all times . This what people with pools who have young children do.

Nope, I can honestly say Ive never had my children or grandchildren sitting round the table wearing a life jacket whilst doing homework and I cant recall going to visit a friend or relative and finding their children wearing one whilst doing homework or watching the TV either.

You were bang out of order.SO RUDE!!!

Yes, for god's sake OP, get a grip. It is just bloody rude to point out life-threatening risks. honestly - have you no manners? Your daughter being at risk for drowning is just one of those things you need to suck up when you are in your in-laws' home (or "unfamiliar surroundings" as granny and grandad's house is often called)

You might worry that the grandparent might actually be a bit upset at their granddaughter drowning because of their lack of responsibility - well you are just projecting your own feelings there. The grandparents might well say "so sorry but it wasn't not our responsibility to babyproof"

You WERE NOT rude!! Ffs, what's wrong with people? How could they be so careless? Minutes, that's all it takes to lose your child.

My daughter's close friend visited her parents taking her little children. Long journey, so grandparents were watching the toddlers while the Mum took a bath. But they weren't and the 3 year old drowned. The 4 year old, who found her sibling in the pool has only just started speaking again, a year later. I suppose they were lucky she didn't drown too.

When my children visit with the grandchildren it's a kind of collective responsibility to watch over the little ones and keep an eye out for hazards. Obviously the prime responsibility is the parents, but we all, grandparents, uncles and aunts look out for them. I'm not surprised you shouted. It sounds like a nightmare of a place to visit with little children.

Oh dear, one of my cousins drowned in a pool at age 18 months :(.