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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have let rip at grandparents

144 replies

claudib · 25/10/2015 04:06

They left the gate to the swimming pool open, I approached them telling them with concern and they were very shruggish " it wasn't me" "It might have been me but .." " Look ,do you really think we would let... ? "She wasn't even around there.." So I got angry and shouted
Apparently I've stepped over a line.
And I'm made out to be the bad guy.
Some background info, i found it left open twice last year ( the pool has 3 gates of access onto it) I quietly seethed to myself on those ones and made my partner promise he would have a word about gate security. He probably didn't I'm guessing.
he is not talking to me on account of my outburst. Which consisted of pleads to keeps the gate shut/ safeguarding measures etc.. Albeit screeched but there was no personal insults.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Newlywed56 · 25/10/2015 08:24

Who cares if they or your dh thinks you were rude. This is about the safety of your toddler and it's not like it was a wee minor thing, they could drown as unfortunately others have near pools . With regards to people saying you should watch your toddler - er obviously you are going to watch them but it only takes a split second!!

Grapejuicerocks · 25/10/2015 08:30

I think you should apologise for shouting but make it clear that you are not sorry for making such a huge issue of it, because it is important and you are scared.

AnotherCider · 25/10/2015 08:32

You can buy a unit which is an alarm with wristbands that you lock onto your child's wrist. They around £300 so not cheap, but brilliant for pools or ponds, not as good with salt water so needs to be a chlorine pool. Safety Turtle alarm.

babymouse · 25/10/2015 08:51

They shouldn't be so nonchalant - depending on where they are they could be massively liable if someone drowns in their pool. I grew up somewhere that was hot and the people that had pools were all very aware of this. The grandparents don't seem to grasp that a pool is dangerous and that basic safety precautions need to be taken.

PP have mentioned swimming lessons - sure have your child take them but they are no magical guarantee against drowning. No child should be around/in a pool unsupervised.

Original poster
claudib · 25/10/2015 09:33

Yes RueDe
Same here -3 access points to pool, 2 gates and a house door.
I wish I could say we all had the same levels of understanding and feel that trust.
If there was a sorry when initially came to them then my rage wouldn't have been expressed (though it would have still been felt inside).

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 25/10/2015 09:35

I third the children wearing life jacket at all times . This what people with pools who have young children do.

What bollocks. Responsible people with pools and young kids have the pools properly fenced and keep the gate closed at all times.

Another who grew up in a hot country where backyard pools are very common. The idea of a toddler wearing a life jacket at all times is just laughable. They'd get bloody heatstroke for a start.

Goldmandra · 25/10/2015 09:47

The child is YOURS and YOUR responsibility.

The child has another parent; a father who is insisting on visiting a house where his child is not safe. He also chooses not to address the safety issues with his own parents because keeping them happy is more important than keeping his daughter alive.

This child is his responsibility too, if not more so in this situation.

The child also has two grandparents who wish her to visit them. This places some of the responsibility for keeping her safe on them.

The OP is currently the only person taking responsibility for this child. She doesn't need to take more; she needs the other adults in the house to take on their bit.

Stanky · 25/10/2015 10:10

I don't blame you for going ape shit. We went on holiday to a villa with a pool, and I didn't realise how frightened I would be about it. There was a fence around the pool, and an alarm (I don't know if this worked), but I would still have terrible visions of my 4yo floating face down. :( I was on edge, especially at night, because ds would have form for waking early, and sneaking around.

When he was 2, he woke up in the wee hours, and opened the caravan door. He wandered through the park, across a road, through a gap in the fence to the outdoor pool (thank goodness it was empty, but he still could have been badly hurt), and finally wandered dripping wet (there was a rain puddle in the bottom of the pool) into the arcade, where a staff member found him. I woke up around 6 am, and discovered his empty bed, and the open caravan door. A panicked search of the park ensued, and we were reunited within minutes of discovering him missing, but he had been with the staff member for over an hour! He was completely unphased, but I was shaking and felt sick at the thought of different out comes. You can't be too careful.

ReginaBlitz · 25/10/2015 10:16

Why wouldn't you be watching a toddler anyway?!

MascaraAndConverse · 25/10/2015 10:17

The child is YOURS and YOUR responsibility.

Bollocks.

Luckily my parents don't think like you. When we are all together they don't just think "Fuck it. Your child your responsibility".

peggyundercrackers · 25/10/2015 10:20

Goldmandra who says they are not taking their responsibilities seriously? Different people do things in different ways, just because Op has one way doesn't mean everyone needs to agree with her or do what she wants. She has an older child who has been fine around the pool and her DD hasn't fallen in either so at this point in time her fears aren't based on anything other than paranoia.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/10/2015 10:20

Regina I'm sat in a room at the moment wi 3 toddlers (2 mine and a grandchild) if I was guessing I would say that at least 20 times within the last hour at least one of them has been out of my direct line of sight for a couple of seconds. I could be handing something to one picking something up for the floor or turned my head to talk to someone.

That is all it takes for a toddler to get away and be far enough ahead of you to come a cropper in a pool

MissMarpleCat · 25/10/2015 10:27

Bloody hell Stanky Shock
Last year when DP and I on holiday, we were sat by the pool one evening when a child (about 4) was wandering around the pool unsupervised when he fell in. DP jumped in after him, the child literally started to sink. we found his parents eating in the restaurant oblivious to what had happened. I think we were more shook up than his parents. You really can't be too careful around water.

Rosa · 25/10/2015 10:33

Can I clarify my statement ' the child is yours and your responsibility'.
I am not saying she has to monitor her child all the time of her DP or the grandparents know that the child is under thier 'watch'. But maybe as the OP feels she can't trust the grandparents to look after the child safely then she should be looking out more for her child. I am lucky to have had very supportive ( and reliable) relations locally and on holiday ... plus where I live tops any place with a pool fenced or not so my awareness round water is pretty high infact I would say that its constant when we are out of the house.

Humphriescushion · 25/10/2015 10:43

Get one of these wristbands alarm things. Www.safetyturtle.com
Obviously vigilance is still required but provides an extra layer of protection if you cannot guarantee the pool gate will be shut.
Expensive but worth it.

Potatoface2 · 25/10/2015 10:52

umm,,,,maybe they are getting a little forgetful .....truthfully though the house doesnt seem safe for young kids (your words) built on a steep slope...well they cant help that....they didnt buy it thinking that it has to tick all the boxes for people who might visit....dont stay there again, rent somewhere nearby and just visit, or maybe they could visit you

GruntledOne · 25/10/2015 11:05

Can you look for recentish newspaper reports of children drowning in pools, including reports from the country where they live, and show them to your DH and the grandparents? They need to realise this is not just you being fussy, this is a perfectly justified concern.

sashh · 25/10/2015 11:08

Yes they should shut the gate, and have self closing gates I don't blame you for letting rip.

As well as that have you considered a pool alarm? or a wrist alarm for your child?

I don't think you can have too meany measures with a todler and a pool

www.amazon.co.uk/Bestway-58207-Pool-Alarm-System/dp/B003DZA03G/ref=pd_cp_23_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=0MZV5KP9JVWY51XHSRWH&dpID=41QbR0ImAGL&dpSrc=sims&preST=AC_UL70_SR70%2C50

Stanky · 25/10/2015 11:14

Thank goodness you and your dp were there Missmarplecat! These things really do shake you up, and make you realise that the dangers are very real, and tragedies can happen it moments around water.

JassyRadlett · 25/10/2015 11:16

She has an older child who has been fine around the pool and her DD hasn't fallen in either so at this point in time her fears aren't based on anything other than paranoia

I'm sorry, calling it 'paranoia' because neither of OP's kids have had an accident yet is just ridiculous.

Kids die in pools all the time. That's why some countries have compulsory pool fencing laws. OP's looked at the risk - and the catastrophic consequences - and come up with a reasonable assessment with straightforward and available solutions.

It's like saying that because your toddler has never been hit by a car or run into the road while their grandparents let them play unsupervised in the front garden, it's being paranoid to suggest supervision next to a busy road might be a good idea.

Goldmandra · 25/10/2015 11:19

Goldmandra who says they are not taking their responsibilities seriously? Different people do things in different ways, just because Op has one way doesn't mean everyone needs to agree with her or do what she wants. She has an older child who has been fine around the pool and her DD hasn't fallen in either so at this point in time her fears aren't based on anything other than paranoia.

That attitude is terrifying!

Wanting to prevent a toddler from having unsupervised access to a swimming pool isn't a quirky parenting style FGS Shock

Good grief! MN never fails to amaze me.

FFSYourself · 25/10/2015 11:21

I think you should apologize for shouting. I would be really pissed off if I had got shouted at for that. The GPs will have known they fucked up but it wasn't done deliberately. It's too easy to forget and I'm sure they didn't mean to. I've lived in houses with pools and I didn't trust myself to remember.
I had self closing hinges plus Locks plus buzzers on the house doors which buzzed if the kids decided to go outside.
Pools are really attractive to kids so it's not the same as, say, making sure the front door is closed.
If the house is s unsuitable for toddlers then I think you and your DH should keep an eye on your DC.

How about getting a combination lock to use on the pool gate while you are there.
Do the GPs have staff, if so you should definitely not trust that the pool gate will be closed.
I actually think your problem is with your DH and not the GPs.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 25/10/2015 11:26

I would simply not go again. I see my own MIL being VERY lax with SIL's little 2 year old and it worries me a lot. I do think that if you go again, you need to know where your son is every second of the day.

I snapped at MIL last week when she let 2 year old nephew (under her care fr the day)run outside and almost onto the road.

FFSYourself · 25/10/2015 11:27

With pools it's best if it's very clear who has responsibility for watching a child. Not assigning specific responsibility can be why kids can drown when there are adults poolside. Everyone just assumes someone else is watching.

Original poster
claudib · 25/10/2015 11:35

I did think about that with the newspaper articles. It's so hard as I don't intend to tear the family apart by saying we are not coming but i will shadow her until we leave and all being well I think when we next visit, hopefully in over a year, she will be nearly 4 and will be at least more aware of the dangers herself too.
I agree it's madness! And the unwillingness to admit the mistake..Angry

OP posts: